Laura lives in Belmont, MA with her husband, Dallin, and their baby daughter, Harper. She works as a portfolio analyst by day, but she is a fashionista by birth. Laura blogs about fashion at She's Come Unheeled, and has her own fashion line lolly.brand. Laura also enjoys photography, power yoga, movie nights with her family, and searching for the perfect cupcake.
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Shortly after the birth of my daughter, a friend of mine forwarded me an article on “The Right Way to Talk to Young Girls About Beauty.” Before even clicking the link, I was already feeling defensive. While I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a feminist, I definitely believe in strong, independent women and equal opportunity—but I also believe in beauty. In fact, the fashion and beauty industry is something that I feel passionate about, both personally and professionally. So I had a nagging suspicion that this article was going to tell me I was wrong, and what mother wants to hear that?
Source: Emmaline Bride (November 2010)
The article in question, written by Hugo Schwyzer, a professor of gender studies and history at Pasadena City College in Pasadena, California, was actually reaction to Lisa Bloom's 2011 article, “How to Talk to Little Girls.” In her article, Bloom postured that little girls should be praised for everything but their looks, in an attempt to protect them from the negative body image so dominant in today’s young women. In Bloom’s view, rather than telling my daughter that she is the prettiest girl in the world, I should instead commend her for being kind or quick-witted; for her abilities in the classroom or on the athletic field; or for her artistic or musical talents. Granted, my daughter is still just two months old and is far from playing soccer or taking piano lessons, but I already tell her how pretty she is at least a dozen times each day—and I don’t see anything wrong with that.
When I was little, I loved playing with Barbies, giving particular care to each doll’s hairstyle and outfit. I can remember my grandmother warning me against viewing Barbie as the ideal beauty. Barbie’s measurements are, of course, physically impossible, and my grandmother, a mental health counselor specializing in eating disordered patients, believed that Barbie was partially to blame for society’s destructive standards of beauty. Once, she asked to borrow one of my Barbies to use in a lecture she was giving on this very issue; I made a special effort to see that Barbie was dressed in her finest for the occasion. Though I was barely eight years old at the time, I could plainly see the difference between wanting to be like Barbie and having fun with Barbie’s world of fashion, beauty, and fun. What I couldn’t articulate back then was that I didn’t feel a healthy self-esteem or body image and a love for fashion and beauty had to be mutually exclusive; I still don’t.
Source: ArtsEdge (2009)
As it turns out, Schwyzer agrees with me in his article, maintaining that, while it is important to push against society’s often toxic messages about beauty, it is perhaps equally important to accept and encourage the little girls or young women who feel passionate about fashion and beauty. After surveying his college students, Schwyzer discovered that the experience of being shamed for an interest in fashion and beauty is all too common. It seems that the fervent backlash against beauty has caused an equally destructive message to emerge; many young women found themselves facing the stereotype that smart girls don’t care about clothes, and that girls that care about clothes aren’t smart.
My Barbies have been retired for many years now, but I remain connected to her fundamentals of fashion, beauty, and fun. I love blogging about this season’s breathtaking Christian Louboutins; my quest for the perfect mascara; skinny jeans versus flares; whether I should get bangs or keep my long layers; and the Chanel handbag I simply must have before I turn 30. Yet, I am the same woman that completed her undergraduate thesis on a comparative analysis of Homer and Nietzsche; who takes pride in her accomplishments as a portfolio analyst; who loves taking a long run or a rigorous power yoga class; and who wants a healthy, well-balanced life for her daughter.
Source: Unboxed Writers (August 2011)
Growing up, my mother always told me I was beautiful, even during my painfully awkward middle school years. Granted, there were times when I didn’t believe her, and I have since tried to get my mother to admit that I had an undeniable awkward stage; she won’t. Now, as I look upon my own baby girl, I get it. She may grow up to be a champion swimmer; to win the school spelling bee; or to sing in the church choir, but my daughter is also beautiful. She is as beautiful today as she was on the day she was born, and so I tell her—because I believe that “the right way to talk to young girls about beauty” is to to remind them of this everyday.
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As I read Laura's post, I realized that I had slipped into the either/or mindset. In fact, I quite liked Lisa Bloom's piece. But the truth is -- I may not want my daughter to be focused solely on her looks, but neglecting to care about her appearance would als be problematic. Both ultimately profound implications for her well-being.
What are your thoughts?
Hi there, Laura~ I just checked out your blog and hopped over to your Facebook page from there! It looks like we know a LOT of the same people. What a crazy small world. I just stumbled across this blog last weekend when I was researching fabric store start-ups. :) I *so* agree with you! Let's make sure that our daughter's always feel beautiful-- inside AND out!
Posted by: Kirsten | January 28, 2012 at 08:35 PM
Great & timely reminder--thank you.
Posted by: Teresa | January 28, 2012 at 11:48 PM
Such a tension, that's for sure. Even in the business world, appearance matters. We may not go so far as to call it beauty, but you come looking sloppy in an interview, and your chances likely go out the window.
We have to leave space for the tension, or we just create a whole new set of problems.
Posted by: Michelle | January 29, 2012 at 12:46 AM
Amen!
Posted by: Maria | January 29, 2012 at 03:46 PM
Well said, Laura! As a wardrobe stylist, I feel it is my job to encourage women to embrace their beauty and enhance it through fashion. It can help give them to confidence they need to accomplish their goals. Thanks for sharing your insightful thoughts!
Posted by: Natalie | January 30, 2012 at 06:36 PM
I have a daughter. She is beautiful, inside and out. So much so, in fact, that it makes me a bit weepy to even sit here and write this comment.
I cannot tell her enough, and I know that my efforts will be forever rebuffed. Well, at least until she grows out of this teenager stage.
Thank you for this--it reminds me of one of the episodes of What Not to Wear, where the makeup artist tells the (really smart and pretty) girl that she should be thinking of clothing and makeup as a way to celebrate the person she knows that she is, and that it should be FUN. What a wonderful life we can have when it is fun.
Posted by: Lisle | January 30, 2012 at 08:33 PM
What would you say to a son?
No one ever called me handsome until I was in my 30s. I wasn't a troll by any means and had decent success in dating relative to my peers.
But I assumed I wasn't very good looking. And since men value women's looks a lot, I assumed that the most beautiful women would not be interested in me. It's only much later in life (after multiple women have told me I'm hot unsolicited) that I realized I should approach any girl I was interested in.
Posted by: D | January 31, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Since writing this post, I have continued to think about this issue--and have recollected Daisy Buchanan saying in The Great Gatsby about her own baby daughter, "I hope she'll be a fool — that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool." How blessed I feel to have been encouraged to be so much more...even to be anything and everything!
I also thought it was a great question about what I--or anyone--would say to a son. While I believe that the society's standards pertaining to looks and appearance are certainly different for males and females, as D indicated, boys don't get to pass through life unaffected by insecurities. I'd like to think I would encourage a son in the same way that I would my daughter because each one of us can be beautiful inside and out. We just don't all get to wear Manolos. ;)
Posted by: Laura T. Wilson | January 31, 2012 at 02:21 PM
Laura, This is wonderful post - so thoughtful and articulate.
Posted by: Josh | February 05, 2012 at 05:28 PM