dare to dream

When dreams collide: advice welcome

It's now on my calendar to blog every Saturday.

I planned to last Saturday, but it didn't happen.

I'm blogging today -- but it's tough.

Don't get me wrong.

It's been a great week.

I just spent a 1/2 hour with my daughter leafing through the Harry and David catalog before we ordered this fruit basket, one which she was happy to help pay for out of her allowance.

And, earlier this week, I'd been in in the Bay Area (I grew up in San Jose), reconnected with three of my childhood/college friends, Kathleen, Annette and Lisa, eaten Mexican food and See's candy -- and our Rose Park business trip was both productive and fun.

But here's the problem.

As I live out my dream of building Rose Park, I'm again working 60-70 hours/week, and as a consequence I don't have the energy to keep up with 'dare to dream' as I'd like.

Which really kind of bums me out given how strongly I feel about our daring to dream.

What shall I do as my dreams collide?

What would you do?

Would you blog less frequently?

Would you invite more guest bloggers?

You're my 'dare to dream' blogging team -- what would you advise?

What do you do when your dreams collide?

Are there systergistic solutions?

Related posts:
Right-sizing our dream: Rebecca Nielsen
Affirming our 'I'dentity
Getting in the game
Psyche's 1st Task: Sort the seeds
Of pineapples and friendship

Blog I Like: Portabellopixie

I can't get enough of Sandi Henderson's new line of Farmers Market fabric; I keep going back and back and back.

Is it because she's telling a story with her fabric? A story of spring, summer and fall, of gracefully blending these seasons of our lives while appreciating women in seasons not our own.

Maybe because Sandi's story is so mouth-watering, many will add their story to hers, as they fashion clothing, pillows, quilts?

Or perhaps it's because there is no market quite like a farmer's market.

When we buy fresh fruits and vegetables, something deep inside of us knows that they are given to us by a Creator; that these delicious apples, cherries, apricots and plums aren't just for us, but will sustain, and most likely be eaten with, our loved ones; that we are not the center of everything, but a part -- that we are connected.

How do you feel when you go to a farmer's market?

Would you agree that for us to experience systergy we need to feel bounty, just as we do at the farmer's market?

Have you ever gone and picked fruit? I have childhood memories of picking apricots off of Blossom Hill Road in San Jose. Have you taken the young children in your life to pick fruit?

If you know of someone who has made a quilt/wall hanging with Sandi's fabric -- will you point me in their direction so I can buy one? SERIOUSLY! What an inspiration to have her art combined with your art on the wall in my home!

Related posts:
Farmer's market metaphor
Blog I like: Hellomynameisheather
Of pineapples and friendship
The sweetness of systergy
Fielding a 'dare to dream' team

Dreams while we are sleeping

Have you read the Reader's Digest article titled Dare to Dream: What happens in your head at night is more important than you think?

According to scientific research, our dreams communicate to our conscious mind what our subconscious mind is worried about (or not), thus helping us work through the day's emotional quandaries.

For example:

1) Several years ago, I met a woman that I wanted to be friends with, but in my waking life I wasn't sure I could trust her. That is, until I dreamt about two different people (one man, one woman) in my distant past whom I couldn't trust. When I juxtaposed how I felt when I interacted with this woman vs. the other two individuals, my subconscious was telling me I could absolutely trust her.

2) On another occasion, I was stymied by how to approach a problem at work. Thanks to a dream in which my younger brother and sister, each of whom have very different problem-solving styles, were sitting around a table with me, I recognized that I could add their styles to my own to cobble together a workable approach.

3) Then there's my dream titled The Banquet Awaits. Because of this dream's relevance to 'dare to dream', I commissioned yet another painting by Mallika Sundaramurthy.


Used by permission. Copyright Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008.

In this dream, I was speaking to a man with whom in my waking life I had been discussing the possibility of joining the investment bank Goldman, Sachs. Though I was mesmerized by him, I found his girlfriend, who was also there, to be an annoyance.

Despite my disdain, she invited me to her home for dinner which I grudgingly accepted, not knowing I was in for something very special.

Her home was a welcoming, single story house with sleek lines, high ceilings, a fountain pool for a front yard, while the inside had a loft feel and inviting furniture. Once the guests had arrived, she proceeded to serve a sumptuous meal, a banquet really. Each course was beautiful to behold, and exquisite to the taste.

There was enough for all, an unending feast.

As I shared my dream of The Banquet Awaits with a friend, I recognized this dream was symbolic of systergy. I had discounted the woman who had invited me to her home, believing her boyfriend held the key to achieving what I wanted. When in actuality, IF I would connect with other women, what I wanted would unfold not only for me, but for all the women who had accepted the invitation to the banquet.

Do you remember your dreams?

What is your most memorable dream?

What can you learn from this dream?

In re-reading The Banquet Awaits, I've actually thought of another interpretation besides the one I've outlined -- do any of your dreams have multiple interpretations?

Related posts:
The sweetness of systergy
Of pineapples and friendship
Why I liked Wicked
Will kirtsy please take a bow?
Redefining ladies who lunch

Affirming our 'I'dentity

My friend Aaron recently went to a book-signing for Julie Andrew's book Home:  A Memoir of my Early Years, had two copies autographed, and was kind enough to gift me the second copy.

Now for those of you that don't know Aaron -- he's 6' 6", and a former college football player, making his fondness for Julie Andrews all the more darling.

Even so, I was far more appreciative than I could express.

This gift wasn't just a book, it was an affirmation of my 'I', my 'I'dentity -- my self, as it were.

Perhaps you recall that when I was three I saw The Sound of Music for the first time.  It was this film that prompted my discovery of music and the piano, and one of my earliest, perhaps most important childhood dreams -- that of becoming a concert pianist.

Did he, could he, have known all of this?

Likely not.

This past week my friend Stacey Petrey gave a similarly thoughtful gift in hosting another More Women Networking luncheon at the Harvard Club here in Boston.

She knows we appreciate her organizing the luncheon.

But I don't think she quite comprehends, nor can she, just how much of a gift this luncheon actually was.

For, just like Aaron, Stacey gave a gift to our 'I's.

So much of our lives are about shoring up our roles as caregivers, nurturers, connectors.  How wonderful it was to have two hours focused on our identities, our selves.

Empowerment of women?  Perhaps.

The well-being of More Women?

Without a doubt.

Has someone given you a gift recently that you were moved by, far more than you had anticipated?  Were they unexpectedly affirming a nascent or forgotten piece of your self?

When was the last time you spent a few hours focused on your 'I'dentity?

Related posts:
Tell your soundtrack story:  Of childhood and Christmas
An artist of encouragement
Mary and Martha
Pew Research Center "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work" 
Bounty

Fielding a 'dare to dream' team

We don't get our dreams done on our own.

We weren't meant to.

Which is why we need 'dare to dream' teams.

Like my 'dare to dream' creative team.

Brandon Jameson -- Brandon Jameson designed the logo and banner for 'dare to dream', everything Know Your Neighbor and my personal stationery. Brandon's design work visually captures what I try to convey in words.

LaNola Kathleen Stone -- In the first three issues of Organize Magazine, you saw Kathleen's images, as well as her work as Creative Director. Through her photography Kathleen captures the magnificence of people and places.


All rights reserved. LaNola Kathleen Stone, 2008.
Note: For those of you wondering where your 'Christmas 2007' card was, well here it is -- 'Spring 2008'. Will you make sure I have your correct mailing address?

Mallika Sundaramurthy -- Several years ago, Mallika brought a story I'd written to life through her painting; her latest feat is the myth of Psyche.

All images are copyright by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008. 

As I analyze the dynamic of my relationship with this creative 'dream team', there seem to be some broadly applicable observations:

1. Start with short-term projects -- If you intend to start a business or non-profit, before expanding the scope of the relationship, work on a short-term project first, such as a benefit for the community or your children's school.

Lamentably, I don't always do this. Either because I'm too relationship-centered and/or overly excited about someone's dream, I sometimes impetuously move into a major project, without vetting my partner(s) and they me, only to find out later we can't work together: we have different timetables, different visions, different views on the give vs. get. That's when things become dicey. Take it from a sadder, poorer, but wiser girl.

2. Trust our collaborators' competence -- Once we've worked on a few limited scope projects and have fully worked out rules of engagement, it's important to trust our collaborators. If we're micro-managing, perhaps we just need to stop micro-managing. Or maybe we didn't pick our partners as well as we thought we did.

For example, after I broadstroked for Brandon what I wanted for the 'dare to dream' logo, he came back with something completely different which I didn't like. But because I'd loved his previous work, I was willing to 'live' with his vision for a few days, eventually realize that his vision was perfect, just perfect -- When we put our heads together, we experience systergy, and can accomplish our dreams.

3. Recognize that our collaborators will not be good at what we're good at - If we choose someone for a project because they can do what we cannot do (design, photograph, paint), the almost certain corollary is that we will be good at things they aren't.

It was not too long ago that I believed that if you couldn't spell you were dumb. Until. Until I discovered that there were some who thought I was dumb because I had (and have) a poor sense of direction (even after living in Manhattan for 10 years, when I came up out of the subway, and would begin to head east, you could be sure that I was heading west -- a true contrarian indicator). Am I dumb? No. Are people that don't spell well dumb? No. We are just smart in different ways - and when we can harness 'smart in different ways', we have the makings of a 'dare to dream' team.

4. Give people their due in terms of compensation and credit -- When our collaborators do good work, let's give them credit. Tell as many people as possible. Just because they don't ask for praise and/or compensation, doesn't mean they don't want or even need it. They may not know how to ask, or even what they are worth. What a gift we can give if we help our friends and co-workers to know their worth.

What 'dare to dream' project are you working on or thinking of undertaking? Do you have a 'dare to dream' team?

How are we helping our spouse/friends/colleagues with their dreams? Are we giving them enough information so that they can help us with ours?

To what extent are we as parents part of our children's 'dare to dream' team? Do we collaborate with them? We can't really do vet them, but we can trust their strengths, and not micro-manage.

What about the people that are part of the 'rearing our children' 'dare to dream' team? Their teachers, coaches, nannies, friends' parents? Do we trust and appreciate them?

Are we adequately compensating people for the work that they are doing whether via money, barter (an exchange of goods or services)? And if they ask not to be paid, are we insisting -- especially with women?

Related posts:
Spring cleaning and dreaming
Hero of support
Getting gratitude
Asking for what we want
Valuing what women do

Getting in the game

I went to a Celtics game last week -- my first actually.

I was neither a player, nor a cheerleader, but a spectator. 

But you know, I didn't feel like a spectator.

Perhaps because my friend Kim had purchased four tickets at the East End House's Cooking for a Cause benefit, and invited two up-and-coming professional women, and myself, along.  There is something empowering about paying our own way.  Remember the Destiny Child's song, all the honeys making money, throw your hands up at me?  Well, I'm throwing my hands up at Kim.

Then there were the remarkably short lines in the women's bathrooms, a metaphor, odd as it may seem, that women still aren't contributing as they could in the workplace.  Beth Peterson of life as a hero made the comment some weeks back that getting in the game can be so much easier, when someone invites us, and then shows us how, to play.  Being the oldest of the four women, I certainly hope that I am doing my share of inviting and teaching...

The winning shot of the evening was the systergy, the connecting and collaborating, as we discussed our career aspirations, and the challenge of balancing work, family, church, and life.

None of us were cheerleaders, nor were we any of us dribbling the ball down the court.

But we were cheering one another on -- and playing ball.

Spectators -- yes.

But in all the important ways, we were players in the game.

Our game.

Related posts:
The hazards of 'getting in the game'
Throw down your pom-poms
A down payment on our dream
Do you need to do-it-yourself?
Soundtracks:  finding our voice, telling our story

The sweetness of systergy

There are so many wonderful women in my life that I suppose I sometimes take them for granted. 

Which is why I think I had the dream I had this week. 

Here's the redux:

A group of women I'm friendly with, all of whom have children my daughter's age, had organized a playdate, one to which all of the mothers and daughters in our circle were invited, except my daughter and me. 

I was devastated at having being excluded, and needed to tell someone.   

But when I sought out those who were mother/big sister figures in whom I hoped to confide my grief, each was genuinely concerned for about five minutes, and then had to run off, being 'late for a very important date'.

And so the devastation continued.

Having to dash off to to an investor meeting in midtown Manhattan helped me shake off my early morning sadness.

I'm grateful, however, for the lingering reminder...

...that we sometimes need to taste the bitter in order to prize the sweet.

The sweetness of systergy.

***

I do, I do, I do prize systergy -- but perhaps it is too abstract.

Which is why I was inspired by Gretchen Rubin's post 12 tips for acting like a true friend over at The Happiness Project.  This post provides great helps for getting into our systergistic groove, including:  1) Be supportive when your friend has good news; 2)  Be friendly to your friend's friends; 3)  Show up. 

My favorite tip is... Well, actually take a look at her blog.

Any recent experience that brought into relief the importance of systergy?

Which of Gretchen's tips do you think is my favorite?

Which is yours?

Any difference between what you give as a friend and what it's important for you to receive?

Related posts:
The dark side of systergy
Of pineapples and friendship
Celebrating systergy
Three cheers for oxytocin

Of pineapples and friendship

With the holiday season upon us, I wanted you to know how profoundly grateful I am to each of you. For reading, commenting, and most especially for your daring and dreaming.

As a token of my appreciation, I'd like to share with you Irene Chan's delightful illustration of a pineapple, the centuries-old symbol of warmth and hospitality. During the colonial era, pineapples were considered a gift of royal privilege because they were so rare, and therefore expensive. Though no longer difficult to come by, the symbolism endures. Perhaps because pineapples require effort to enjoy. Between the harvesting, peeling (the prickliness!) and coring, pineapples are no apple or banana.

Photo courtesy of www.eneri.net

Can't the same be said of 21st-century friendship? Though there are people aplenty in our lives, harvesting relationships filled with warmth and hospitality requires effort, including the occasional prickle.

What I love, though, is that in both instances, if we'll do the work, we are richly rewarded with fruit, and friendship, both of which are almost indescribably delicious.

dare. dream. delicious.

Getting gratitude

I have not been able to get Anna Kerr's comment that "we are desperate and depressed because our society encourages us to be dissatisfied" off my mind.

It was a reminder that we need to not only look up and ahead, but down and back, and that as we dare and dream, and then 'get', if we aren't grateful for 'what we get', we'll still be desperate and depressed.

With a nod and big thank you to Anna, here's a list of things (and their respective categories) that I am grateful for:

1) God's grace -- God's grace is something we don't deserve, but are given anyway, unfettered and unconditionally. For me, it is the fall foliage in New England. It is glorious to behold.

What providential gift, or gift of grace, are you grateful for?

2) Gift of another's self -- This is a gift that comes when people play to their strengths and give us something we very much need or want, but can't give to ourselves. Because it is generously given, it is systergy at its purest, but certainly not the exclusive domain of women, as my friend Aaron demonstrated this past week.

LaNola Kathleen Stone is a superb example of this 'gift of self'. Kathleen has taken our family's Christmas pictures since Miranda was a baby. Because she is willing to play to her specific strengths and intelligences, every year Kathleen sees magnificence in my children that I certainly couldn't, and dare I say, few photographers could, as seen below.

What gift of another's self are you grateful for?

3) What I'm good at -- This will likely be the hardest one to come up with as it requires us to do precisely what Anna Fels' research and the Bem Sex Role Inventory indicate that feminine women don't do -- pull attention toward ourselves. Even after months of 'soapboxing' about this, I would have readily deflected had my friends Brooke and Stacey not gently encouraged me to stiffen my spine. And so.... I'm grateful that I am good at coming up with an idea or vision for a project AND that I can then execute against my vision; take Know Your Neighbor, for instance.

What are you grateful to be good at? What are your strengths? Is there a way that your 'good at' can be given as a gift of your self?

4) Simple pleasures -- This is something that makes us happy. Period. Like listening to Earth, Wind and Fire's Can't Hide Love. I loved this song as a 16 year-old. And I still love it. Every time I hear that magnificent horn introduction on my iPod, I am happy. A simple pleasure.

What simple pleasure are you grateful for?

P.S. Just this morning there was a terrific article in the NY Times titled Let us give thanks. In writing., and includes a quote from Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

Why I liked Wicked

It's been nearly three years since my friend Vanessa introduced me to the music of Wicked, a prequel to The Wizard of Oz about two young witches, Elphaba and Glinda, who came to be the Wicked Witch of the West, and The Good Witch of the North, respectively.

I finally saw it last month; it was worth the wait.

There is so much I could say, but here are the highlights, including a special YouTube treat:

1) Elphaba = Leah. Though clearly more talented than Glinda, because no one thinks her so, except those that want to use her, Elphaba feels undervalued and isolated. What would have happened if she could have believed, and others had believed, especially her parents and teachers, that she was Rachel? Would she have become The Wicked Witch of the West? Likely not.

Do we as parents, teachers, friends, family ever contribute to those in our care believing they are Leah?

2) Glinda = Rachel. I often talk of remembering we are Rachel, yet Wicked taught me that there are women who happily haven't forgotten. It also prompted the realization that just as Leah has her light side (stretching and striving), there can be a dark side to Rachel (being corrupted by the power and privilege that redounds to Rachel).

When in a situation in which we are beloved, as was Glinda the Good Witch, do we ever pull a Popular? Do we become so enamored with the fairy godmother persona that we inadvertently demean others? Can we guard against this corruption?

3) For Good, which celebrates the friendship of Elphaba and Glinda, could also be a systergy anthem. Listen to the lyrics as Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, the original stars, rehearse; I'll be curious to hear if you agree.

Who has changed your life for good? Have you seen Wicked? What were your highlights?

Systergy in St. Louis

Systergy, n. A collection of women, who by daring and dreaming together, will make synergistic contributions to their own lives and the world.

Dana King sent along an article from St. Louis At Home on The Spirit of St. Louis Women's Fund, a superb example of systergy.

As founder, Shelby Schagrin explains, women who join this organization commit to do just two things:

1) Give money -- Each member promises to give $1,200 a year for five years; 90 percent goes to the charities; 10% to overhead. With over 100 women in the Fund, that's over $100k/year for five years (at least) that will be invested in the community.

2) Vote on where the money goes -- Last year over 300 proposals were presented. A committee reviewed the proposals, visited applicants and put together a final ballot of candidates. Among the nine organizations funded were Gateway to Hope, an outreach for women with breast cancer who can't afford medical treatment, and La Clinica, a prenatal healthy baby program.

Ms. Schagrin concludes her interview with the words, "Together we can do more than we can do apart."

Systergy in word and in deed.

Atta Girls Shelby Schagrin and Susan Block!

Are there any "investment" clubs like this in your community?

If not, have you thought about starting one? Possibly in Boston?

The Spirit of St. Louis Women's Fund is an example of institutionalized systergy. Any other institutions that you can think of where systergy is formalized? What about on an informal, ad hoc basis?

What I learned about seeing from my glasses

I recently bought glasses.

Having never needed nor worn glasses, this was a big deal.

But my choice to get my eyes checked, and buy glasses on my birthday, left me wondering.

It's good to again read fine print, but of all the things that I could do on my birthday, why would my focus shift to eyeglasses?

Surely there was a bigger picture.

In buying glasses, was I acknowledging that even as my physical eyes deteriorate, I am seeing myself -- my who I am, my competence -- better than ever?

Further, are my glasses a tangible reminder of how important it is to me to mentor, to be a see-er of the magnificence in others, until they can see the magnificence in themselves?

And the answers to these rhetorical questions are --

Yes and yes.

I couldn't have given myself a better present.

What do you see more clearly today than you did last year, five years, ten years ago?

Who can you be a see-er for while she/he learns to see for themselves?

Pew Research Center's "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work"

Hello, hello!

We’ve been on vacation for the better part of two weeks -- plenty of time to think, little time to write. Next time I plan to go on hiatus, I will let you know.

The first order of belated business is to direct you to the blogs of Barbara Torris and Brett Farmiloe. Brett, the founder of Pursue the Passion, put finger to keyboard to tell his story, while Barbara, a 65 year-old retired educator and grandmother who helps me see my possibilities, has identified her heros.

The second order of business is to flag a report (with a nod to Entrepreneur Daily and USA Today) published by the Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends Project titled Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work.

I wasn't all that surprised to learn that 6 in 10 full-time working moms would prefer to work part-time; however, I was intrigued to learn that the divide between working and at-home moms has widened.

In the 1997 study, about 4 in 10 of all mothers (38% of at-home moms; 39% of working moms) believed that an increase in working mothers was a negative societal trend. However, by 2007, 44% (15% increase) of the at-home mothers saw this as a negative; only 34% (an 8% decrease) of the working mothers concurred.

Why is this the key finding?

Because the digging in our heels around our work/life decisions suggests that our society's oft-repeated mantra of "live and let live" notwithstanding, mothers are becoming more, not less, judgmental of one another, and that sibling rivalry continues on the rise.

Which makes me quite sad.

Happily, there are mothers who shun the rivalry, embracing systergy in its stead.

While vacationing in Jackson Hole last week, I spoke with three such mothers, Stacey, Heather and Jane. Stacey I have known for many years; I've just become acquainted with Jane and Heather.

Photogaph courtesy of Melanie Mauer, a woman who is the picture of systergy

All of us have children under twelve. Each of us has a college degree, two have advanced degrees. Two of us work full-time; two are at-home.

Given our respective choices, and the trend identified by the Pew study, I suppose our interchange could have deteriorated into intransigent finger-pointing.

But it didn't.

On the contrary.

We asked one another how we’d made our decisions; we spoke of the trade-offs, sharing our struggles, validating and encouraging one another.

Does this kind of conversation, one in which we experience systergy, help us to rethink our competence, and bolster the belief that we can be the hero of our story?

I can’t speak for others.

But the answer for me is -- Yes, and again, yes.

Absolutely.

Can you think of a time when you have been critical of others’ choices related to how they were balancing motherhood and career? Any thoughts as to why you were critical?

My husband and I waited several years (10 to be exact) before having children. There were some who criticized us, but truth be told, I was critical of women who chose to have children immediately. In retrospect, my criticisms were a manifestation of my own insecurity: if I could believe others were wrong, then I could be definitively right.

Can you think of a conversation in which you encouraged and validated others? How did you feel? How do you move from sibling rivalry to systergy?

Farmer's market metaphor

My friend Lana Grover has likened systergy to the experience we have at a farmer's market.

As shown in these beautiful images, courtesy of Tableau Vivante, fresh fruits and vegetables and homemade goods are bought and sold. There is bounty, there is exchange, there is a personal touch that is nurturing; there is community.

But isn't there bounty, exchange, a personal touch at a flea market, an antique market, at Nordstrom?

Just looking at these images tells me it's not the same.

And after several days of thought, I think I know why.

With the release of the film An Inconvenient Truth, going green/being green have become household words, part of our mainstream culture.

And I will confess there are times when this movement seems all too conveniently impersonal -- save the planet, save the forests, save the animals -- even as I have become much more conscientious about recycling.

But when I read Bill McKibben's words (thanks to Mary Pipher), "The emergent science of ecology is easily summed up: Everything is connected. But interconnection is anathema to a consumer notion of the world, where each of us is useful precisely to the degree that we consider ourselves the center of everything."

I had an a-ha moment.

For many people, environmental concerns moving mainstream aren't about the environment per se, they are about people feeling disconnected. We don't know that we feel this way, but I believe we do. And because we don't know what to do to make it better -- we look for something tangible, concrete to help us re-connect -- like save a tree.

Which is why a farmer's market nourishes us in ways that other markets can't.

Because when we buy fresh fruits and vegetables, something deep inside of us knows that they are given to us by a Creator. We also know that these delicious peaches, cherries, apricots and plums aren't just for us, but will sustain, and most likely be eaten with, our loved ones.

In other words, a farmer's market reminds us that we are not the center of everything, but we are a part, that we are connected.

What comforting food.

What are your thoughts?

Do you agree with my premise about the linkage between the environment and our relationships?

Do you agree that a farmer's market is a metaphor for systergy? Why? Why not?

When was the last time you experienced systergy?

Mentoring by design

Systergy, n. A group of women, who by daring and dreaming together, make synergistic contributions to themselves and the world.

When 17 year-old Emily Trujillo wanted to learn more about interior design, she asked St. Louis designer Dana King for help. Determined to provide Emily with a hands-on experience, Dana approached the local Habitat for Humanity about decorating a newly-built home. As Dana partnered with additional interior designers, and Emily recruited her friends, the design team, including the Berry family, swelled to thirty.

The goal? Make the Berry house a home.

Drawing on the shampoo and style metaphor, let's identify the elements of systergy:

1) Even though it must have taken courage for Emily to ask for help, knowing Dana as I do, Emily undoubtedly knew it was safe to ask: Dana would be a competent and caring mentor.

2) Many would have discounted Emily's ambitions because she's 17. Dana King didn't. Instead she created a forum where Emily could learn many aspects of interior-design, including acommodating her client and how to collaborate with fellow designers. In other words, Dana was able to see the magnificence in Emily, and was willing to create a situation in which Emily could become her own see-er.

Source: Katherine Bish

3) In the thick of mentoring Emily, Dana made new friends in the community, broadened her skills as both an interior designer and project manager. Dana also discovered a philanthropic organization (Habitat for Humanity) with whom she would like to partner going forward. Contrary to generally-held opinion, in a sustainable mentor-mentee relationship, there is a give and get for both parties.

And that's as it should be.

Because we only really dream when we are together.

What would you like to learn?

In whose capable hands will you feel safe?

How can you create a win-win for all involved?

Redefining ladies who lunch

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly. M. F. K. Fisher

Source: Un jolie table -- Catamini

Over the past several decades, the phrase ladies who lunch, popularized by composer Stephen Sondheim, has come to mean "women who have so very much, but do very little."

Thanks to the clever play-on-words of Ladies Who Launch, a community for helping women start their own businesses, and to my love of lunch-ing with friends, I've wondered if a redefinition isn't in order.

How about this?

Ladies who lunch, n. Women who do so very much, sometimes with very little, because they get together for lunch.

Rings true for me.

Almost without exception, the women with whom I dream then dare, are women with whom, I have shared a meal. Typically, lunch.

I don't know why this is, and for once I'm not going to analyze.

It's enough for me to know that where there's a table set for a meal with my friends, very often I find too a place setting for my soul.

When was the last time that you had lunch with a friend who helps you see your magnificence?

Will you schedule something for the month of July?

Salon-style systergy

There are two kinds of familial likeness: one based on genes, as in families... The other...is that of a flame lighting another flame: the likenesses between two flames are [often] much greater. Harriet Rubin

Occasionally I am asked what my aspiration is for our dare to dream community, and I have fumbled for words. I could feel what I hoped for, but I couldn’t articulate it.

Now, I think I can.

On the plane to Mexico this week, I read Harriet Rubin’s The Mona Lisa Stratagem, and was captivated by her discussion of the salonistes, all the while reflecting on my real-life experience with Boston's salon-style discussion group Fusion.

Quoting from Rubin:

When youth and beauty failed women in seventeenth-century France, when…institutional…rewards did not satisfy them, they relied upon moral courage to make history in their image...They [did so by] creating salons of talk and friendship, gathering…in which ideas of freedom and revolution…changed the world.

From dining room to dining room, the walls of each outfitted in dark red or blue damask silks and curtains, the woman at the center kept changing, but the circle stayed the same. These beautiful courts, which turned the most unlikely fellow travelers into kin, not just colleagues, enlivened and democratized the world more completely than any routine form of organization.

With these words top-of-mind, dear friends, here is my first pass at what I want for our dream to dream community:

As individuals, may we each do something that is uniquely ours to do, becoming each of us dare to dreamgirls. As a community, may we practice salon-style systergy, and in so doing, enliven the world.

What is your goal for the dare to dream community?

P.S. For those of you that find statistics intriguing, and because the brand dame inspired me to do so, according to Feedburner, during the month of May our dare to dream community grew from 71 to 94 subscribers (mostly RSS feeds), an increase of 30% plus.

Systergy and our strengths

If you are ready to be the hero of your story by playing to your strengths, click here for a step-by-step approach.

However, I must warn you. It won't be quite as simple as you'd like. As part of the exercise you will need to ask others to share with you what they think your strengths are.

You may be ready to do this right now, you may not.

Regardless, why not practice a little systergy and outline the strengths of someone else?

On a milestone birthday, for instance.

And just to make giving this gift easier, here's what you could say to each of the guests once they've RSVP'd:

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The only true gift is a portion of thyself.”

So, for [Cynthia's] 40th birthday, we’d like to collectively give her a gift of each of ourselves. For this gift, we envision that we will share with Cynthia what we love about her.

Several years ago, the Harvard Business School published a case study entitled “How to Play to your Strengths” by Laura Morgan Roberts, et al. The thesis of this paper is that we can best contribute to our family and world by developing our gifts and leveraging our natural skills rather than by trying to repair our weaknesses.

The first step in identifying our natural skills and gifts is to ask friends, family, and colleagues for feedback.

For many, if not all, this exercise quickly becomes a double bind because while we probably want more than anything to hear what is wonderful about us, we are loath to ask. That is why this will be such a wonderful gift.

Here’s the template we’d like you to use:

1. Cynthia, one of the wonderful things about you (or ways you add value OR make the world a better place OR make my life happier OR make me happy you were born) is (provide an example).
2. Cynthia, another wonderful thing about you is (provide an example).
3. Cynthia, a third wonderful thing is (provide an example).

The bottom line is, what do you see as being magnificent or wonderful about Cynthia. We are looking to you to identify things that you see that she may not (the what), and then explain them (the why).

So that we have time to compile all of the tributes, will you e-mail your tribute to me by XXXX date?

Thank you taking the time to write this – I have no doubt that this gift -- from our selves to Cynthia’s self -- will be a gift that she will treasure for many years to come.

You may be wondering -- has Whitney done this?

The answer is -- yes.

And it was pure joy.

Do you have a friend that is approaching a milestone birthday?

Is this something that you'd like to do for her?

Is it something that you'd like to do for yourself -- because you are ready to dream?

dare to dream Contest

Last week at Fusion, the salon-style discussion group to which I belong, one of the women shared with me how much she was enjoying my blog, and asked if I would like to meet for lunch to brainstorm with her around her ideas?

I didn’t jump up and down in front of her, but I wanted to.

I blog because I want to find my voice AND because I have something to say, but it requires an opening up, a vulnerability, a gift of self that I can’t guarantee will be received; something I’m reminded of each time I press the Publish Now button. For someone to receive my gift, and to also thank me for it, is a gift in its own right.

Because I’d like there to be even more giving and receiving, daring and dreaming, it's time for a dare to dream contest!

The rules are simple:

You:
During the month of May, invite people to sign up for the dare to dream e-mail updates (Click on Subscribe in the upper right hand corner). So that I can keep track of who signed up whom, just send me an e-mail to let me know when one of your friends or colleagues has signed up (e-mail updates rather than RSS feed). Whoever signs up the most people will be the winner; I’ll make an announcement on June 1.

Me:
During the month of June, I will spend 1 1/2 - 2 hours with the winner, either in person (if you are in Boston or want to come to Boston) or by phone, brainstorming with you around your dream. We can spend our time discovering your dream. Or we can focus on how to make your dream happen, or both, if time permits.

As you examine the mechanics of the contest, you’ll note that it’s intended to be a prototype for the dare to dream Intellectual Immigration Fund.

When you invite women to subscribe to e-mail updates, you extend an invitation to dream, and you are offering support to me, thus making deposits into the Fund.

In turn, as your friends and colleagues thank you for encouraging them to pursue their dreams, and I work with you to discover or do your dream, you make Fund withdrawals. Naturally, the Fund is powered by systergy.

Finally, if you have any questions about the contest, why not post in the comment section, and then I'll answer for everyone. In the meantime, let the systergy begin!

What deposits have you recently made into the Intellectual Immigration Fund? Who have you encouraged and supported? For whom have you been a hero of support?

What withdrawals have you made from the Fund? Who encouraged you? Taught you how to do something you wanted to learn?

Three cheers for oxytocin

Women under stress release the hormone oxytocin which encourages us to make and maintain friendships with other women. UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women – Gale Berkowitz

Two weeks ago I had one of those moments (well, days) when I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more. Yes, it was after the interaction during which I had felt more like a meal ticket than a mentee. I was so gut-wrenchingly sad that, apart from the meltdown my husband was privy to, I tried to avoid contact with anyone that I know, and sought refuge at the local Borders.

In the book, The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine titles a chapter: “Having everything except what we need most: The isolation of affluent moms.” She writes, “Experienced clinicians find an unexpectedly high amount of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and plain old unhappiness among well-to-do mothers.” (She is defining well-to-do as income of $120k plus per year). Continuing:

While affluent moms can be many things: bright, competitive, persistent, protective, interesting and funny. They are not vulnerable – at least not publicly. Vulnerability is a kind of admission, of hurt feelings, of neediness, of things not going well.

Hmmm.

Not wanting, but wanting some contact, even comfort, I sent an e-mail to one of my friends outlining what had happened. When she first tried to call, I didn't pick up. But when she persisted (which can sometimes be quite difficult in the face of possible rejection), I finally screwed up my courage, and answered the phone. Yes, courage. Because I was afraid that in recounting my experience I would again unravel, cry, and appear vulnerable, even needy. And, well, neither of us really needs Madeline Levine to tell us what we already know is true -- appearing vulnerable does take courage.

Here’s what was interesting.

As we spoke, I shared how I was feeling, how sad I was, and after my friend listened for at least 10 minutes, she said something akin to “That’s really hard.” In other words, no profound words of wisdom were asked for, needed, or even wanted.

But because she listened, and I knew that she cared – well, I felt better.

Not just a little better.

A lot better.

In his editorial Of Human Bonding, New York Times columnist David Brooks writes, “I’m not trying to reduce all human relationships to one hormone. But I am trying to emphasize the importance of human attachments. In the policy world, we debate how to improve productivity, competitiveness, education… but often it’s the space between individuals that really matters. Everything we’re learning about the brain confirms Adam Smith’s observation that the ‘chief part of human happiness arises from the consciousness of being beloved.' So maybe it’s time to focus a little less on individual capacities and more on nurturing attachment."

If our sisterhood can buoy us up on a bad day simply because of how we are hard-wired, just think of the possibilities on a good day. Because of the chemical connection to one another, this feel-good hormone multiplies as we share our dreams and help each other pursue them (SYSTERGY!). As discussed in Identity Crisis, it won’t be easy – we can only really connect when we are willing to be vulnerable, but when we do, we bridge ourselves to a much happier place.

Make that fours cheers for oxytocin!

Can you think of a time recently when you were sad or anxious about something, and you were able to share with a caring friend -- did you feel better?

Was it difficult initially to let her in?

Or what about when you've gone to lunch with a friend, and come home energized simply because you were able to listen and share?

Did you almost cancel the outing or wonder if you actually had time to go in the first place?

An artist of encouragement

The mentor’s spirit is that productive liberating power that heartens us to….develop into our best selves, [the] who we were born to be. Marsha Sinetar

Now that it’s been almost two weeks, I’m ready to share.

In late 2005, I started taking voice lessons because I wanted to find my literal (and my figurative) voice. Though I am quite competent on the piano, I am neither gifted nor trained vocally. But the quest merits the effort, and thus, I persist.

My lessons were moving along swimmingly until my teacher announced that there would be a vocal recital in April. So keen was I to participate that when the e-mail announcement came around, I impulsively hit the “reply to all” button, notifying my teacher and all her students that I wanted to participate.

But guess what?

When I arrived at my next lesson, she was quite reluctant about my participating in the recital. Never saying no outright, she simply did her best to dissuade me. Fresh off the Ruff Ruffman auditions, I was acutely observant of my teacher’s response – and while her discouraging me could have been to protect me from embarrassment, my interpretation was - she thinks I’m really bad.

Things got worse from there.

A week later, still feeling a bit unraveled, I cancelled my next lesson. When I did so (mind you, 48 hours in advance), she indicated that I had cancelled too many lessons without rescheduling – and that she needed to make a living. Not realizing that this was an issue, I quickly said "my bad" and promised to pay for the missed lessons.

But I was devastated.

Because this e-mail seemed to confirm that she didn’t really have a vision for me, that money was her first priority, and my desire to find my voice was by comparison inconsequential. Not to mention the fact that I wondered, “Am I really so hopeless as a singer that she doesn’t want me to sing in the recital?”

With my tears now dry, I am grateful for this hard bought lesson on the art of encouragement.

For I now KNOW at a very, very deep level that when you or I teach/mentor/make deposits into the Intellectual Immigration fund, though the deposit will, in part, be about us (what do I get for what I give?), the primary reason for mentoring -- whether a stranger, friend, or even a child -- must be because we see something magnificent in her that she can’t yet see, and that we are here, in this moment, to be her see-er until she can be her own.

It just must.

I’ll end with where I began – Marsha Sinetar – “Anyone who intuits our life’s essential vision or themes and somehow affirms these so that we can reach out for them is an artist, an artist of encouragement.”

And when we do encourage another’s best self, becoming an artist of encouragement – well, just think of the masterpieces yet to be wrought, the stories to be recorded and shared…

When you have been with someone that prompts your best self – how do you feel?

For example, Lorna Rousseau, my personal trainer at the gym does an amazing job of encouraging me (sometimes pushing/sometimes pulling) toward physical well-being. I always leave a workout session feeling better no matter my mood when I walk in. My children's school teachers, karate and gymnastics coaches are true artists of encouragement.

Or what about the half dozen people in your life that whenever you see or hear from them, they say something that allows you to see your best self?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to encourage someone within your sphere of influence to be her best self?

Who are the people in your life that you are mentoring or teaching right now, whether professionally or on a volunteer basis? How does this feel?

Are you excited enough about his/her magnificence that the deposits you make on their behalf can be more about them than you?

If your heart doesn’t extend to this person, do you need to find a way to have a change of heart? Or is this simply a signal that both you (the mentor) and the mentee could find more productive, learning relationships elsewhere?

In making a comment on "Celebrating Systergy", Katrina Petersen highlighted for us Mother Venture, a business networking group for work/stay-at-home moms; this is a business idea I know some of you will find intriguing.

As I checked in on Katrina's website to say thank-you, I noticed that she just started a 10-part tutorial via her blog on how to start a blog. For those of you that are noodling with the idea of starting your own blog either because there is some topic that you feel passionate about or simply because you want to use your blog as a means of chronicling the pursuit of your dream -- why don't you drop in on Katrina?

Link: Wowimo: technology.

In the past day or so, did you visit a website, blog, or read an article that you thought one of your friends or colleagues would enjoy? If you haven't sent it -- why not do so right now?

Just as Katrina can mentor you on how to blog (e.g. she makes deposits into the Intellectual Immigration fund; you and I withdraw), what do you love to do that absolutely must be shared? Is it something you'd like to blog about?

If you have heard the call to adventure, and are daring to dream, why not blog about it? As you write, your dream will become real -- and what a fabulous Christmas present your "dare to dream" story could make, as you bound your blog entries into a book!

Of mice and women

In making a comment on "Celebrating Systergy", Katrina Petersen highlighted for us Mother Venture, a business networking group for work/stay-at-home moms; this is a business idea I know some of you will find intriguing.

As I checked in on Katrina's website to say thank-you, I noticed that she just started a 10-part tutorial via her blog on how to start a blog. For those of you that are noodling with the idea of starting your own blog either because there is some topic that you feel passionate about or simply because you want to use your blog as a means of chronicling the pursuit of your dream -- why don't you drop in on Katrina?

Link: Wowimo: technology.

In the past day or so, did you visit a website, blog, or read an article that you thought one of your friends or colleagues would enjoy? If you haven't sent it -- why not do so right now?

Just as Katrina can mentor you on how to blog (e.g. she makes deposits into the Intellectual Immigration fund; you and I withdraw), what do you love to do that absolutely must be shared? Is it something you'd like to blog about?

If you have heard the call to adventure, and are daring to dream, why not blog about it? As you write, your dream will become real -- and what a fabulous Christmas present your "dare to dream" story could make, as you bound your blog entries into a book!