dare to dream

Enchanted anger

Were you surprised by the title of the above article?

Me neither.

We girls learn from a very young age that we shouldn't get angry.

But is it anger that we shouldn't do?

Or rage?

Rage is yelling at our child, maybe even hitting him, when he spills juice on a brand new carpet we can't afford to replace.

Rage is a mother sabotaging her daughter's attempts at life and love when she sees her daughter having opportunities the mother either didn't have, or gave up.

If we have reached the point of rage, but have managed to hold it in (because nice girls don't get angry), we just might be depressed: depression is rage turned inward.

Rage is about losing control, when we say things and do things that we will long regret.

So, rage is definitely out.

But anger?

Oh yes -- definitely in.

Anger tells us something is amiss, that something or someone (possibly our selves) needs to be attended to, that a boundary has been crossed.

Courtesy: istockphoto

Anger is locking ourself in the closet, calling our closest friend, and sobbing about the juice spill, knowing that our 2 year-old is safe because he is banging on the door as we speak.

Anger is recognizing that in any choice made there are trade-offs. That we may be angry with our daughter not because of her but because we have become so Martha-like, we've forgotten that we get to be Martha AND Mary.

When we acknowledge our anger, rage never happens.

There is a wonderful lesson about anger in the film Enchanted.

Innocent Princess Giselle is back-and-forthing with Patrick Dempsey's cynicism and the words, 'You....you....make me so angry', spill out. With this utterance, Princess Giselle has defined a boundary for her self, thus undergoing a rite of passage necessary to becoming more of who she is.

Has your anger recently helped you identify a boundary you didn't know you had?

When we become angry, are we not saying 'no', as Psyche was required to do in her 4th task?

The next time you become angry, will you pause and be grateful for the information your anger is giving you: about what matters to you, about how you want your life to unfold?

When we attend to the anger, what Giselle-like thing can happen in our life?

P.S. If you'd like to read more in praise of anger, there is a powerful essay titled 'Damning the River' in Rachel Naomi Remen's book Kitchen Table Wisdom.

P.P.S. If you ever have something you feel others would find helpful to hear, but tend to be a private person, just send to me your thoughts, and I'll post it as 'Whitney's friend who would like to remain anonymous"...

Related posts:
A down payment on our dream
The Myth of Psyche
Martha and Mary
When we say no
Dreaming or deflecting?

Dreaming or deflecting?

Why, oh why, do I put my ideas in writing?

Well, I know why.

Because, among other things, going 'on record' pushes me to 'walk my talk'.

It is ironic, though, that not less than twenty-four hours after writing Asking for what we want, I read Matt Langdon's post in which he outlined his Hero Workshop accomplishments for 2007 and goals for 2008 (you can either squint or click on the graphic).

My immediate thought was "Good for you Matt". You've set concrete, achievable goals for yourself, goals that will make the world a better place. You've achieved them, and now you are setting more goals.

I considered following Matt's lead and putting my goals for 'dare to dream' on this blog, but immediately quailed. The mere thought of doing what Matt had done made me feel uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassed -- did I say uncomfortable?

Which led me to wonder -- what is GOING on?

Why am I having a such a visceral reaction?

Here's what I've come up with thus far, though more questions, than answers:

1) When we list our accomplishments publicly, aren't we making the decision to acknowledge ourselves, to accept, rather than shun praise?

2) When we state our goals, are we not implicitly, if not explicitly, asking for support?

3) When men 'list and state', how do they feel? How do we respond?

4) What about women? How do we feel? And do we respond as I did to Matt, thinking "Atta boy or girl"? Or do we instead think -- 'she's a bit full of herself, now isn't she?'

I'll confess that even amongst my closest friends it's painful to say 'Look what I did," and so I don't very often. In fact, if you want to see just how masterful most women have become at deflecting (a signal at just how painful the praise is), the next time you are talking with a group of your girlfriends -- ask them to talk about something they (not their husband or children) have done well this past year.

That's right - we probably won't; we will quickly and deftly re-direct the conversation far, far away from us.

The ideal of a feminine woman seems pretty hard-wired.

Does it feel this way to you also?

If this is true, then aren't we in a bit of a double bind?

Related posts:

Asking for what we want
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task
Leah leaves the building
Et tu, Whitney?
NY Times -- Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys

Asking for what we want

About a week before Christmas, my daughter Miranda asked me if the two of us could go see The Nutcracker.

She seems to want more mom-daughter time of late. Perhaps because she's getting older, perhaps because she feels 'work time' is displacing 'mom time'. (My friend Stacey has encouraged me me to share the challenges of my recent on-ramping. There are many; one day I'll go into more detail.)

For now, it's enough to know that one of the challenges is -- my children liked having mom around more, and now that I'm around less, they miss me. So I wasn't all that surprised that Miranda suggested a girls' night out.

What did surprise me was her ability to articulate so easily what she wanted. Because -- I just don't know that many women (including myself) who ask for what we want all that well.

Think about it.

When was the last time that a woman you know (or you yourself) asked simply and directly for something?

No martyrdom, no manipulation, etc., etc, -- just stated their want (without making it a need) and asked.

That's what I thought.

In Anna Fels' article titled Do Women Lack Ambition?, she writes that our cultural ideals of femininity do not include women asking for resources, whether those resources involve time, money, praise. If we do ask, we feel selfish, and others are likely to believe us to be selfish as well.

This Christmas there were many lovely gifts given and received (including my Blackberry Curve), but taking Miranda to see The Nutcracker (as my mother did me), and hearing her ask for this outing, without even a nanosecond's worry that she would be jeopardizing her femininity, was without a doubt, among the best gifts.

When was the last time that you were direct about what you wanted? For example, just today, when I wanted something I'd left in the car, instead of asking my husband, "Will you go out to the car and get me x", I said "Are you going out to the car?"

Do you know an adult woman who ask for what she wants -- and gets it? What can we learn from her?

What can we do to encourage our daughters to continue asking, and believing they'll receive?

P.S. Is this one happy girl or what?

Related posts:

Rachel vs. Leah: reclaiming the power to dream
Throw down your pom-poms
Psyche's 3rd Task: Fill the Flask
NY Times article: For Girls, It's Be Yourself...
Psyche and choice

Getting gratitude

I have not been able to get Anna Kerr's comment that "we are desperate and depressed because our society encourages us to be dissatisfied" off my mind.

It was a reminder that we need to not only look up and ahead, but down and back, and that as we dare and dream, and then 'get', if we aren't grateful for 'what we get', we'll still be desperate and depressed.

With a nod and big thank you to Anna, here's a list of things (and their respective categories) that I am grateful for:

1) God's grace -- God's grace is something we don't deserve, but are given anyway, unfettered and unconditionally. For me, it is the fall foliage in New England. It is glorious to behold.

What providential gift, or gift of grace, are you grateful for?

2) Gift of another's self -- This is a gift that comes when people play to their strengths and give us something we very much need or want, but can't give to ourselves. Because it is generously given, it is systergy at its purest, but certainly not the exclusive domain of women, as my friend Aaron demonstrated this past week.

LaNola Kathleen Stone is a superb example of this 'gift of self'. Kathleen has taken our family's Christmas pictures since Miranda was a baby. Because she is willing to play to her specific strengths and intelligences, every year Kathleen sees magnificence in my children that I certainly couldn't, and dare I say, few photographers could, as seen below.

What gift of another's self are you grateful for?

3) What I'm good at -- This will likely be the hardest one to come up with as it requires us to do precisely what Anna Fels' research and the Bem Sex Role Inventory indicate that feminine women don't do -- pull attention toward ourselves. Even after months of 'soapboxing' about this, I would have readily deflected had my friends Brooke and Stacey not gently encouraged me to stiffen my spine. And so.... I'm grateful that I am good at coming up with an idea or vision for a project AND that I can then execute against my vision; take Know Your Neighbor, for instance.

What are you grateful to be good at? What are your strengths? Is there a way that your 'good at' can be given as a gift of your self?

4) Simple pleasures -- This is something that makes us happy. Period. Like listening to Earth, Wind and Fire's Can't Hide Love. I loved this song as a 16 year-old. And I still love it. Every time I hear that magnificent horn introduction on my iPod, I am happy. A simple pleasure.

What simple pleasure are you grateful for?

P.S. Just this morning there was a terrific article in the NY Times titled Let us give thanks. In writing., and includes a quote from Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

Why we are skeptical of Hillary Clinton

When I read Katharine Seelye's NY Times article titled, Women Supportive of Clinton, But Skeptical, I found myself wondering....

Why?

Why do so many want to want to vote for Hillary Clinton, but won't?

Is it a question of competence?

Most would agree she's quite capable. So -- No.

Is it because we don't agree with her politics?

Within a few seconds, I rattled off the names of several women for whom I would vote despite our differing political views. So again -- No.

If it's neither a question of competence, nor of political views, then why are we skeptical?

1) We don't identify with Senator Clinton's hero's journey -- As with Katie Couric, there's an archetypal mismatch, though for an entirely different reason.

While we don't doubt that Senator Clinton can successfully take on Psyche's four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, it feels like she's taking on the adventure for herself, not for us. That she's ready and willing to do some genuine head-butting, rather than to wait and pick up the fleece off the fence once the rams have gone home. In other words, she seems to want power, not for us, but for her. That's not the female hero's journey that resonates with us, so we can't quite get comfortable.

Ok, she's not perfect, but isn't there a double standard here?

Absolutely.

Most of us feel quite comfortable if men are ambitious and even a little bit 'naughty' -- after all, 'boys will be boys' (remember Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking his cigar in the tent near his office), but with women....

2) We want a fairy godmother -- The Princess Diaries, provides a great look at this archetype. The film stars Julie Andrews as Queen Clarisse (for anyone over the age of 40, she is the practically perfect fairy godmother Mary Poppins) preparing her granddaughter Princess Mia, played by Anne Hathaway, to ascend to the throne of the imaginary kingdom Genovia.

Princess Mia is qualified to be a princess because she's "bright, sensitive and caring," says Queen Clarisse. (Imagine Senator Clinton, let alone the male presidential candidates, described as such!) Further reinforcing the fairy godmother archetype, Queen Clarisse sings to Princess Mia:

When they tell your story,
They'll call your heart of gold your crowning glory,
The most glorious part of you

In other words, inscribed in our minds and in our hearts, is the view that a woman who leads us must be smart and capable, and most especially good and kind.

That her hero's journey, no matter how difficult, is ultimately undertaken on our behalf.

And that whether Princess Mia, Mary Poppins, or Psyche -- she'll be our fairy godmother.

If you are comfortable with Hillary Clinton, what are your thoughts on archetypes? Is there one that fits?

There was an interesting article in the Australian papers not too long ago titled When one man's ambition is another woman's evil curse, comparing and contrasting how people respond to ambition in women versus men.

Given how beloved Bill Clinton is, and what I understand to be an uncanny ability to make people feel that it is all about them, could he be the key to her winning?

What are your thoughts on other presidential candidates? Which archetypes are working for or against them?

P.S. Maureen Dowd of the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece (Oct 31 2007) titled Hilary La Francaise, Cherchez la Femme? which certainly underscores the comments (see below) made by Margaret Busse and Elizabeth Harmer-Dionne. Also interesting to read Ms. Dowd's comment, "Maybe the qualities that many find off-putting in Hillary — her opportunism, her triangulation, her ethical corner-cutting, her shifting convictions from pro-war to anti-war, her secrecy, her ruthlessness — are the same ones that make people willing to vote for a woman." May this not be true.

Several weeks ago, my friend Lorna shared with me that while still in her early 20's, she bought her dream car, a red Corvette.

Her dad helped her finance the purchase, but I was surprised nonetheless.

Though I've "wanted" a Porsche Carrera for over 20 years, I've never really been serious about buying one. I've never even test-driven one, unless you count the time I drove around the block of the car dealership several times before losing my nerve.

You may be thinking, of course you didn't buy it -- Porsches are a luxury car and they aren't exactly kid-friendly.

But, you know what?

There were several years of Wall Street bonuses, and no children until my mid-30s.

And I didn't buy one.

I wonder why.

Lorna offhandedly said something which I think is quite important.

"I looked really good then."

There are many possible takeaways from her comment, and by the way, she continues to look fabulous, actually more fabulous now, because of who she is.

But my key takeaway was this.

Lorna bought a Corvette.

Because Lorna believed she deserved to own a Corvette.

Because Lorna (as did her father) believed she was Rachel.

For some, not all, no matter how successful we become, we occasionally have to remind ourselves that Leah needs to take a backseat.

When I buy my next car, will I buy a Porsche?

I don't yet know, but if Rachel has her way, I will.

Can you think of something that you really, really wanted to do, try or buy, and you did? How did you feel?

Is there something you want to do today that you haven't done? Why?

According to the Bem Sex-Role Inventory, a woman is considered feminine only when she is providing resources (time, money, praise) to someone else. How does this societal belief influence your decisions?

To what extent are we gatekeepers for our children's dreams? What would we need to do to fling open the gate?

The NY Times recently published an article by Bill Carter titled Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys, analyzing why Katie Couric's gig on CBS hasn't lived up to expectations.

Using the 'dare to dream' lens, let's analyze this further. Shall we?

1. Archetype mis-match -- When you look at Todd Heisler's above photograph, Ms. Couric looks isolated, almost forlorn. I can't help but think of the Bem Sex-Role Inventory's definition of femininity: Girls are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship and when they are giving something to someone else. The images of Ms. Couric on The Today Show are in sync with our society's view of femininity. The CBS News images are not.

Contrast the above with those Carter describes as "swashbuckling correspondents [e.g. Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather] who became cool doing hard news". This swashbuckler image foots with what we consider masculine: the solitary man (think Johnny Depp in Pirates and Pierce Brosnan as James Bond) slays the dragon, returns a hero, tells the tale.

In other words, our conscious mind may want to support a Ms. Couric, especially if we watched her faithfully on The Today Show, but we don't. Because there's a mismatch between what we instinctively believe and what we see.

2. Ms. Couric isn't playing to her strengths -- This is closely tied to the above, except that Ms. Couric can't change what other people believe, while she can change what she does. Which is to play to her strengths -- her innate talents, competencies, principles, and identity.

I don't know whether she reports hard news well. She probably does or she wouldn't be where she is. But her ability to chase down news is secondary to her girl-next-door persona.

So why would she have opted in to a situation which wasn't her?

Because of what the title intimates -- that to count we need to be one of the boys.

And because our society doesn't really value women's core strengths of connecting and collaborating unless a man displays them, we start to believe we're Leah.

Because we want Leah to permanently leave the building (she likes to slip in unawares), will you consider the following:

1) Think about women in the public eye whom you admire. Do you consider these women to be feminine? Does that mean that they don't have power to get their dreams done? Or do they?

2) How can we work with the the archetypes and ideas that prevail in our society, rather than fighting against them?

3) Have you thought any more about your strengths? Relish them. Leverage them. Figure out how to pursue your dream in a context that values your strengths.

4) And if you can't find a system, club, business, or group of friends that will value your strengths, why not find like-minded people and start your own?

There is so much to glean from Joseph Newfield's site 'be neighborly'.

Drawing on his advertising background, and love of architecture, Joseph makes three key points related to "websites that work", all of which are relevant to dare to dream.

1) Be a part of something

The success of buildings, and websites, depends on how well they enable people to do things. In both instances, this is a function of how connected they are to other buildings, systems or sites; how integrated they are into the fabric of the community.

Isn't this another way of saying, we only really dream when we are together? And three cheers for systergy, oxytocin, and ladies who lunch?

More specifically, my thanks to Melanie Mauer and Jaime Young, for their reaching out to me this past week. When you visit their sites, observe how Melanie tells stories through her photography, Jaime through digital scrapbooking.

2) Tell stories

Stories matter because that's how we experience life: not as discrete tasks but as experiences, moments that add up to a larger whole. Yet many websites offer a litany of tasks and tools without any context, without any seeming contemplation of the arc of their audience's story.

Shutterfly was, until recently, a great example of [what not to do]. Personal photography is a means of self-expression, and if we do it well many of us would like recognition. Yet visitors to Shutterfly [were] greeted with products and seasonal specials. It [was] as passive as a piece of direct mail, barely participating in customer's lives.

In other words, seeing our life as a story is key to making meaning of our own lives, and helping those we love make meaning of theirs.

3. Don't just sit there looking pretty.

For years I've perused books, magazines, and websites devoted to all types of design, architecture, photography and found myself unsettled by the beautiful work being celebrated there, work that is is neither relevant nor moving.

[In contrast], craigslist is merely words with the occasional picture, but it's one of the most engaging websites ever. One visits again and again, for many different reasons, and is part of a new story every time.

Do you remember what my daughter seemed to be saying some months back when she refused to wear what I wanted her to wear? It's not about looking pretty and being pampered, it's about being, daring and dreaming...

What websites and blogs do you visit regularly? Who visits yours? Do you say hello, especially to those that visit you?

If you were a building or website, how would you describe your surrounding community? How integrated are you into its fabric?

Which sites/blogs help you tell your story?

Lackluster reviews notwithstanding, there are several reasons to like the film Nancy Drew. Four to be precise, if you subscribe to the view that the best way for women to find their voice is to listen to those that have found theirs.

1) Women were involved in the making of Nancy Drew, from the studio executives, to the executive producers, to the writers. This is no small feat, given that only "15% of the directors, writers, producers and editors working in Hollywood are women", according to Sharon Waxman's NY Times article Hollywood's shortage of female power. The storytellers honored by Oscar quiz supports this finding.

© 2007 Warner Bros. Pictures

2. The film features a female protagonist. This too is unusual. According to a study titled Where the Girls Aren't, which analyzed gender roles in 100 G-rated movies, only 25% of the characters in the sample were female, only 28% of the speaking characters were female. I have a hunch that these percentages would trend even lower for PG films.

3. Nancy "achieves the goal" and "gets the guy", something that many women falsely believe is impossible, even though films are generally replete with male heros who "achieve the goal" AND "get the girl". Which is why I came away so sad after seeing The Devil Wears Prada. Anne Hathaway’s character is thrown into the competitive world of fashion, and she prevails, only to have her loved ones tell her she’s sold her soul to the devil.

4) Nancy's an archetype worth emulating; naturally she's "perfect" -- archetypes tend to be. Not only did I arrive home happy to have spent 1 1/2 hours with a smart, driven, kind, and caring girl, my 6 year-old Miranda arrived home empowered. The following morning when she learned something had been misplaced, she asked for a flashlight and declared "Miranda to the rescue!"

Have you seen Nancy Drew?

What did you think?

P.S. For those of you who live in Boston, on July 28, there's a Girls Night Nancy Drew movie. Thanks to Alyson Jenkins for the heads up!

When I first heard India.Arie's 'Beautiful Flower', I was moved, and couldn't help but think you might be too; songs give utterance to truths about ourselves that words alone cannot. Ms. Arie's song became even more meaningful when I learned that she'd written it for the students at Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy for Girls.

Take a moment to listen.

What truths do you hear?

Beautiful Flower lyrics

When I suggest to my friends that they carve out a few hours, even minutes, a day to pursue their dream, sometimes I hear, "I just wouldn't feel right about taking time away from my home and family."

However, as we talk further, more often than not, I find that my friends do, in fact, spend decent chunks of time away from home volunteering at school and/or church and/or in the community.

Hmmm, I wonder.

Why is it that we feel comfortable, even good, about spending many hours/week (10+?) doing some type of volunteer work, which we may like, but don't love? But we would feel terribly uncomfortable, even bad, about allocating 2-3 hours/week to pursue a dream?

Is it because women are only feminine when we are doing something for someone else?

If so, then we are back to the double bind. Because when we are pursuing a dream, it's not for someone else, but for us: if we happen to get paid for that dream, then we're in for double the discomfort.

But if we don't pursue our dream, we can become desperate, if not depressed.

So may I make two suggestions?

1. Re-read the myth of Psyche. Remember that by saying "no" to others for just a moment, Psyche and we say yes to our self -- as well as to others.

2. If you're still feeling squeamish, go back and read Throw down your pom-poms.

I write about the sucker punch and then ka-pow!!!...

My friend Anna Giraldo-Kerr recently invited me to hear HBS professor Laura Morgan Roberts speak. Having devoured Dr. Roberts' article titled "How play to your strengths" earlier this year, I eagerly attended.

The presentation was fascinating, moving at times, Dr. Roberts' style engaging and warm. Usually I don't approach speakers at the podium, but I wanted to tell her -- I loved your paper, I've participated in one of your studies, I'm a big fan. She was so approachable, why not?

Enter the sucker punch.

She just didn't seem all that interested in what I had to say.

Sad, and feeling inconsequential, I tried to figure out on my drive home from Boston why she hadn't wanted to engage with me, speaking woman-to-approachable woman - there must be a lesson in this experience, somewhere.

I found three -- maybe you'll find more:

1) As we go after our dreams, we need to figure out how to communicate our ideas so that they can be understood by the people who are in a position to help us further our dream.

Assessing how to best communicate with Dr. Roberts was tricky. She was such a girl-next-door woman, my impulse was to share with her a personal anecdote, in a "let's connect" feminine style, completely forgetting she teaches business at an Ivy League institution, and is likely more accustomed to a "lead-with-your credentials", typically male style.

Indeed, the latter approach did seem to be more effective. When my friend Margaret Busse introduced herself by saying she had attended HBS, there was some traction.

2) Even if the people we admire don't validate us or our idea, after we consider their view, it's important to let our own opinion have the final word.

Because we are human, more often than any of us would like to be the case, we are more likely to lend a hand to someone we think can reciprocate.

I could have played the peer card -- a miscalculation on my part -- but there will inevitably be a time when we just don't have a "peer" card to play. And we can't let that deter us. We are sad for a time, and then we move on, because that's what dare to dreamers do.

3) Look for the both/and.

Ok, so Dr. Roberts didn't receive me. Maybe she was exhausted, maybe I'm making entirely the wrong meaning out of my interaction. But our perception is our reality. Does that mean I'm going to "throw the baby out with the bath water", given that what she has to say is so very compelling? Not if I'm being the adult I purport to be.

So, there you have it -- my real-time sucker punch, complete with lessons learned. On Friday, I'll share what I thought were the highlights of Dr. Roberts' talk -- there are many!

Have you had an experience when you were thrilled to meet someone who had inspired you as you were dreaming, and they weren't all that interested?

How did you feel?

Most importantly, what did you learn?

For those of you who didn't see Sara Rimer's "For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too", one of The New York Times most e-mailed and blogged about articles this week, here's the link.

Link: For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too - New York Times.

There are so many quotable quotes in this article. I'll highlight four:

1. To anyone who knows 17-year-old Esther Mobley, one of the best students (Esther is a standout in AP Latin, honors philosophy/literature, an actress, and president of her church youth group) at one of the best public high schools (Newton North High School just outside of Boston) in the country, it is absurd to think she doesn't measure up. But Esther herself is quick to set the record straight -- 'First of all, I'm a terrible athlete...'

WJ commentary:
Do you remember Anna Fels' article "Do women lack ambition?" Quoting Fels, "Women refuse to claim a central, purposeful place in their stories, eagerly shifting the credit elsewhere and shunning recognition." Esther's comment that she's a terrible athlete seems to be her way of sending the message that she really is feminine (e.g. by giving recognition away to anyone but herself) when society would say that her achievements and ambition suggest otherwise.

2. While it is now cool to be smart, it is not enough to be smart. You still have to be pretty, thin, and hot...effortlessly hot.

WJ Commentary:
The need to be hot seems to me like overcompensation. As if girls will be forgiven for being smart and capable if they are uber-feminine. In the case of Esther and her friends, they seem to be equating sexy with feminine.

3. I would rather be considered too assertive and less conventionally feminine than be totally passive and a bystander in my life....[Someone I] admire [is] Cristina (Sandra Oh) on Grey's Anatomy who stands up for herself and is gorgeous and wears cute lingerie.

WJ Commentary:
Can you imagine a man saying, "I'd rather be considered too kind and less conventionally masculine" and in the same breath tell you he really likes Arnold Schwarzenegger's tenderness in the film "True Lies?" I can't either.

4. In Esther's application to Smith, her father wrote a letter, explaining that when Esther was a baby, they had gone to his wife's 10th college reunion. He described the alumni parade as an 'angelic procession of women in white, decade by decade, at every stage in the course of human life...I still remember holding Esther as I watched those saints go marching by..and thinking I want Esther to be in that number'.

WJ Commentary:
To what extent are we as parents the keeper of our children's dreams? Do we want our children to measure up to some mistaken standard (perhaps a standard our parents/society set for us which we are now perpetuating)? And in so doing, are we inadvertently raising our daughters to believe that they are Leah rather than the Rachel they knew they were as young girls?

Enough of my pontificating, do you agree or disagree with my commentary? Why? Why not?

Any thoughts on how this article would have been different had the storyteller been a man rather than a woman? Would it have been written?

What have you watched or read or listened to lately, vis-a-vis women's hopes and dreams, that gave you pause?

When you have capably completed a task, and were inevitably congratulated, did you try to deflect attention away from you by saying "It was nothing," or maybe pointing out something that you aren't good at?

Any thoughts on how we can change the standards by which we measure our children, and perhaps more importantly, ourselves?

Finally, what can we do to dream our own dreams, and teach our children to dream theirs?

When one of my friends first told me about her her big idea, she said that she'd had ideas before, but hadn't pursued them due to a lack of resources. My immediate, somewhat cavalier, response was -- of course there are resources available to make a dream happen, especially in the developed markets. You just have to be willing to go after them.

Well, within weeks, I came to rue my brief moment on the soap box. I needed to make a decision as to whether to allocate resources to me, to my education and training, to Whitney, Inc., if you will. And to my surprise, I found myself balking, stressing really, over this investment. Should I make it? Isn't this risky? The timing and probabilty of a return on an investment is so uncertain.

Hmmm. Maybe it's not as simple as -- if you can dream it, you can do it.

I encourage all that come within my orbit to dare to dream; I'm even willing to consider investing time and money in someone else's dream, and I won't invest in Whitney, Inc.?

So, I tried to pass the choice-making buck, by getting my husband to tell me not to spend the money.

His response? Spend what you need to spend.

Which is when I really began to squirm: double binds do that.

Here's how I saw it.

If I choose to allocate resources to Whitney, Inc., then I feel I am sacrificing my femininity, because society tells me I'm only feminine when I'm giving something to someone else. But if I don't invest in me, if I don't dream, won't I be desperate and depressed?

Happily Psyche's fourth task illustrates that what I thought was a double bind, is actually a double find, for while she must temporarily say no, as she learns to exercise choice, she is learning to yes -- in perpetuity -- not only to herself, but to her loved ones.

Jungian psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen summarizes:

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. She is the leading lady in her own life story on a journey that begins at birth and continues through her lifetime. Though life is full of unchosen circumstances, there are always moments of decision. To be a heroine, she must act as if her choices matter.

So -- you ask -- Will I say yes to Whitney, Inc.?

I'm scared, but I will.

But enough about me.

Will you say yes to you?

As you consider a dream that you want to pursue, what resources are at your disposal? If expertise and/or money are not readily available, do you have a skill which could be bartered? Think Intellectual Immigration Fund. Most importantly, are you surrounding yourself with people that will encourage you, that will be your heroes of support?

Can you think of a time when you wanted to do something, but almost didn’t because you felt guilty? Or were scared? How did you feel afterward? Did you find that by saying yes to yourself, you were in fact, saying yes to your family and friends?

I was sick all week, barely functional in fact. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t feel well, and I can’t sleep or even read, I watch TV, hoping to find something that will allow me to forget how lousy I feel.

And so I found myself watching an all-day marathon of America’s Next Top Model – Round 7. I had seen snatches of the show over the past two years, so I was familiar with the format. I'd had the general impression that while most of the girls on the program were attractive, they lacked confidence, and in many cases, education.

Which is why I was surprised by a contestant named Melrose Bickerstaff. Not only was she attractive, she was savvy. Melrose handily won challenges, and to my mind was the clear front-runner in the competition.

But guess what? She didn’t win.

She DIDN’T win.

Here’s my analysis of her failure to win: she lost because of her poor relationships with the other contestants.

Yup – that’s right.

Her relationships. Remember, women are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship or when we are giving something to someone else, like recognition.

Was she that mean and nasty? It would seem that she wasn’t – certainly if she had been they would have aired the footage. (Remember Omarosa?) Mean and nasty makes great television.

Regardless, the other girls didn’t like her. And when the judges (a panel of five – 2 women, 3 men) had to make a final decision about who would win and who would lose, Tyra Banks made the comment, “well the other girls didn’t really like her...”

When I was still working on Wall Street, a Harvard Business School professor came in to lead a day of training for all First Vice presidents throughout the firm. One of the interesting nuggets I gleaned from that meeting was the fact that it takes longer for women to climb the corporate ladder because when a man is up for a promotion, the opinion of his superiors is the only opinion that matters. When a woman is up for promotion, her superiors AND her peers are consulted.

Interesting.

America’s Next Top Model was an instance where the girls liking Melrose was, in my opinion, irrelevant. Especially because it seemed that their dislike was largely due to jealousy. But because we are only considered feminine within the context of relationships, if we don’t have good relationships, well then we’re sunk.

The bad news is that when we don’t feel there’s enough for us, enough bounty, we just trip the prom queen, experiencing the dark side of systergy, and no one wins. The good news is that if we do feel there’s enough for us, this enough-ness spills over into our relationships, and we experience systergy, accomplishing far more than we could have on our own.

Can you think of a recent experience when you encouraged and helped another woman, savoring her success?

How did you feel?

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To realize their dreams, women need to understand why they are willing to walk away from them. Anna Fels

It took a nanosecond -- less than a nanosecond.

I had just read: “O, the Oprah Magazine, announces a contest for 50 lucky women to win a spa vacation with Oprah Winfrey, filled with life lessons and little indulgences at Miraval Resort, Tucson.”

And almost before I could form the thought, “What an amazing experience; I’m going to enter,” one of those ne'er-do-well thoughts pounced, which was:

"I can’t."

Why? Does it cost money to enter?

Yep. About a dollar when I include postage.

Ok, so not really. Or at least it doesn’t have to cost much.

So why not enter? Are you embarrassed to say that you like Oprah?

How can I not like a fairy godmother?

Why then? Can you not figure out what to say on the postcard?

I guess I could just tell the truth. Something like “who wouldn’t want to spend 5 days and 4 nights with 49 women from whom I can learn and delight in, all the while observing Oprah, Gayle et al up close and personal?”

So I guess I do know what to say.

By this time I’ve peeled back so many onion layers of excuses, I’m on the verge of tears, but ready to get to the real why. Which is: I don’t think it’s okay to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want can be almost unbearably uncomfortable; the more I want something, the greater the discomfort.

Anna Fels writes: “In both the public and the private spheres…women are facing the reality that in order to be seen as feminine, they must provide or relinquish resources –including recognition—to others.” She continues, “the expectation is so deeply rooted in the culture’s ideals of femininity that it is largely unconscious.”

Maybe it’s also because no matter how successful I become, I just can’t quite believe that I’m Rachel and that I can ask for what I want. No matter how far I’ve come, Leah’s still lurking inside me.

Once I figured this out, the gauntlet had been thrown down, and I had to enter the contest.

Will I be sad if I’m not chosen from the possible 100,000+ women that enter the contest?

Of course, I’ll be sad.

But I'll be more happy than sad - because for a brief moment, Leah has left the building.

P.S. Here's the pOstcard: Thanks to Mallika Sundaramurthy, a talented up-and-coming artist, for bringing my idea to life!

Last night, I watched the finale of Survivor: Cook Islands. Not a show I typically watch, but I had about a thousand things I needed to be doing so I decided to watch television. I'm glad I did. It was a perfect Throw down your pom-poms case study.

In Survivor, several dozen people are placed on a remote island where their survival skills are tested; every few days the contestants vote someone off the island. When there all only three contestants left, the nine most recently voted off vote on who should win the million dollars.

The final three contestants were Yul Kwon, the son of South Korean immigrants, a competitive water polo player, and a Yale Law School graduate, who came to be known as the godfather or master strategist. Oscar (Ozzy) Lusth, a Mexican-American surfer with Robinson Crusoe-like prowess became known as the warrior; he swims well, knows how to spear fish, and easily scales coconut trees. The third finalist was Becky Lee, also born of South Korean immigrants, and in Queens (as was Yul), a competitive tennis player, and a U. of Pittsburgh Law School Grad. Her actual role? Yul's sidekick?

Which meant that when their peers had to cast a final vote, Yul, the strategist, received five votes. Ozzy, the warrior, received four. Becky, zero. Even I, who wanted to want her to win, wouldn't have voted for her. She not only didn't come across as a leader, she'd been on the island for nearly forty days, and couldn't build a fire.

What's fascinating is that after Yul won he commented that people underestimated Becky's role. She strategized with me; we made decisions together. As a key advisor to Yul, she was the one person he never betrayed. No romantic connection either, just comrades-in-arms. But the roles were clear. He was the general, she the lieutenant.

You know what I am going to say.

Scientific research suggests that women are considered feminine only when they are giving something to someone, be it resources or recognition. Becky was feminine all right, but in this high stakes game, her femininity cost her big. Ozzy, the runner-up, won $100k and a car for being an audience favorite. Yul. He walked away with a million dollars. For Becky, the key advisor? Nada. And, nope, Yul may not share the spoils with her. If he shares, he forfeits.

There are times to hang on to your pom-poms. This wasn’t one of them.

To be clear, relatedness and nurturing are important. If we set aside these traits which are innate to women, we will lose an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But, being able to set and achieve goals, in the workplace, the community, or even on Survivor, is also an important piece of who we are.

So, when it's time, and you'll know...Throw down your pom-poms.

Do we let our girls know we see them as leaders? That we value their kindness and support of others, as well as their initiative and smarts?

What can we do to make it easier for the girls and women in our lives to get in the game?

The destiny of the world is determined less by the battles that are lost and won than by the stories it loves and believes in. Harold Goddard

One of our family’s beloved traditions is bedtime reading. We snuggle with our children, have real conversations with them (they think they are successfully deploying a stall tactic – we know better), say our goodnight prayers, and then we read stories. We have loved reading Come on Rain by Karen Hesse, a picture book which recounts the anticipation, and then the sheer delight, of a young girl and her friends and their mothers, as they revel and romp in the rain on a hot, humid day. Frindle by Andrew Clements left us agog at Nicholas Allen’s ingenuity, amazed at the power of words. And then there is The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald. We were deeply touched by the magical grandmother’s gentle mentoring of her princess granddaughter.

One story that I hope to share with my daughter soon is the myth of Psyche. This is a story that I love, a story that I believe in. It is one of the few, according to Jungian psychologists Jean Shinoda Bolen and Robert Johnson, that help us understand the psychology of feminine, rather than masculine, development.

Let’s take a look.

Psyche is a mortal woman who wants to find her estranged husband, Eros, God of Love and son of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, whose jealous fit led to their meeting and falling in love in the first place, holds the key to their being reunited: it often happens that whatever has wounded us is instrumental in our healing.

Aphrodite assigns Psyche four tasks, all of which are symbolic of skills she needs to develop. Note that while each task requires her to do more than she feels capable of, and she is initially paralyzed by fear, they are part of a course that Psyche has chosen.

Task 1: Sort seeds

For the first task, Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Sifting through possibilities and establishing personal priorities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties requires a sorting of the seeds. Sometimes we need to sleep on the problem letting the industrious collective of ants – our subconscious – work things out. As we learn to trust our intuition, clarity will emerge.

Task 2: Acquire golden fleece

Aphrodite next orders Psyche to obtain golden fleece from the rams of the sun, huge aggressive beasts who are in a field, butting against each other. This task also seems impossible, for if Psyche goes amongst the rams, she’ll be trampled. This time, instead of ants coming to her aid, the reeds on the river’s edge call to her, advising her to wait until sundown when the rams disperse so she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles the rams have brushed against.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion. My friend Lori Richards shared these words from Suzanne Brogger:

If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society.

Task 3: Fill the crystal flask

For the third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons.

Psyche’s ability to fill the crystal flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal, avoid the pitfalls that will inevitably come, and to then achieve her goal.

Task 4: Learn to say no

For the fourth and final task, Aphrodite orders Psyche to descend into the underworld and fill a box with the beauty ointment. This task is more than the traditional hero’s test, for Psyche is told she will encounter people on her way who will ask for her help, and she will have to ignore their pleas and continue on.

To set a goal and pursue it in the face of requests for help from others is especially difficult for women whose lives are focused on care giving. In completing the task of saying no, three times, Psyche exercises choice. Many women allow themselves to be imposed on and diverted as they set about their goals. They cannot accomplish what they set out to do, or to determine their life course until they learn to say no. I love these words attributed to Oprah Winfrey:

We can’t ever REALLY say yes, until we learn to say no.

As Psyche completes these four tasks, she grows and develops. Yet, despite ALL she achieves, her basic feminine nature remains unchanged. For she never would have undergone this hero’s journey, risking everything, had it not been for a relationship.

Why do I love this story? Why do I want my daughter to live by it?

Because to become who she is – to accomplish all that she was meant to do – she needs to not only love and nurture and care and connect, she needs to know how to sort through and prioritize her possibilities, to learn when and how to obtain power without selling her soul, to keep her eyes on her prize, and to learn to say no.

As she does so, she will say yes to who she really is.

May we each say YES!

What stories do you love and believe in? What stories encourage you to dream? Tell me more.

The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world. Susan B. Anthony

Last week I spoke to a group of teenaged women (ages 13-17) as part of a “go-for-your life-goals” pep rally. As I prepared to pep the girls, I couldn’t help but recall my early days on Wall Street.

I had just started working as a sales assistant at Smith Barney’s 6th Avenue office on the 21st floor, in Manhattan. Near my desk there was what we called a bullpen, where a bunch of newly recruited stockbrokers (who were mostly men) sat and were trying to open a certain number of accounts per week via cold calling and sell a certain dollar amount in stocks.

In this locker room for twenty-something guys, testosterone ran high, and there was intense pressure to meet their quotas. These guys, faced with a lot of hellos followed by the dial tone, inevitably went for the hard-sell. One expression I liked was: “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist….to know that buying this stock makes sense.” Another expression they’d use on waffling male prospects was, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

At the time, I took offense at this turn of phrase. I had been a cheerleader in high school. I had aspired to be a cheerleader. I loved being a cheerleader. It was an important part of my identity in high school. And here they were saying cheerleading didn’t matter.

But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting to say to my daughter and to all women, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

Let me share what I mean.

Some months ago, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review by Anna Fels, a psychiatrist at Cornell University, titled, “Do Women Lack Ambition?” After interviewing dozens of successful women, Dr. Fels observed that when these “women told their own story, they refused to claim a central, purposeful place.”

Were Fels to interview you, how would you tell your story? Are you using language that would suggest you are the supporting actress in your own life? For example, when someone offers words of appreciation about a dinner you have prepared, or a class you’ve taught, or an event you have organized and executed, brilliantly. Do you gracefully say, “thank you.” Or do you say, “You are so sweet. It was nothing really.”

As Fels tried to understand why women refuse to be the heroes of their own stories, she encountered the Bem Sex-Role Inventory which indicated that our society considers a woman to be feminine only within the context of a relationship and if she is giving something to someone, such as recognition. It is no wonder then that a “feminine” woman finds it difficult to get in the game, to demand support to pursue her goals, and feels selfish when she doesn’t subordinate her needs to others.

In high school there was a boy I liked a lot, actually my first true love. I was smart. He was smart. But we were both very relieved to see at the end of the first semester of our sophomore year that he had higher grades than I did.

My freshman year in college there was a young man who I was friendly with. He was not my boyfriend, but nonetheless, I remember feeling relieved when I received a 96 on a test, and he received a 98. Somehow I sensed that if I did better than him, it would upset the equilibrium of our relationship.

More recently, one of my friends who is in her mid-20’s and who just started attending Harvard Business School told me about her study group which consists of four men and two women. All are expected to contribute, and are graded on the quality of their participation in the group. The other woman in the group, who was initially quite involved, began to withdraw after the first two weeks because the men had begun to ostracize her.

Again quoting Fels, “A key type of discrimination that women face is the expectation that feminine women will forfeit opportunities for recognition…When women do speak as much as men in a work situation or compete for high-visibility positions, their femininity is assailed.”

By the way, when I was 8, I had no trouble at all going to competing with Scott McAdams on multiplication drills. He and I were continually vying for the title of fastest and smartest – Oh, I took great pride in beating him.

The point of my musings is not to say that relatedness and nurturing and cheering others on aren’t important. I absolutely 100% believe these qualities are innate in women – and if we set them aside, we will have lost an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But contrary to what others may suggest, “getting in the game” is also a part of who we are. When we recognize this, we give ourselves permission to dream, to move ourselves to the center of our life story, and to encourage the girls and women around us to do the same.

One of my readers recently shared with me the story of two women who have gotten in the game. Eden Jarrin and Heidi Baker are confident in their ability to create a better living space and want other women Do-it-yourselfers (DIYers) to feel equally confident. Thank you for sharing the link to their website www.bejane.com. Eden and Heidi -- Atta girls!

Get in your Game.

“Life began for me when I ceased to admire and began to remember.” Willa Cather

Several years ago I read Orson Scott Card’s book Rachel and Leah. In Card’s retelling of the story of these two sisters, I began to wonder what it would have been like to be Rachel, the favored one. But as I continued reading, I found myself wondering more often what it would be like to be Leah? In the story, Rachel, the younger and more beautiful sister vies for and wins the heart of Jacob. Because ancient custom required the elder sister marry first, Jacob pays the price of marrying Leah (who also loves Jacob) in order to marry Rachel.

The more I thought about this story, the more I realized that Rachel and Leah are archetypes for women today. Do we as women believe we are Rachel, the favored one, the one who gets to dream and see those dreams come true, or do we more often believe we are Leah, the sister who must settle for whatever is handed to her by circumstance or chance. Unfortunately, I think most of us see ourselves as Leah, and this attitude of acquiescence I have dubbed “the Leah complex.”

Even more interesting to me was the notion that, as young girls, most of us would have aligned ourselves with Rachel – we absolutely believed in our dreams and our power to achieve them - but, over time, we come to believe that we are Leah.

Perhaps we stopped believing in our power to dream because our parents sent us the message that we were just shy of the perfection they were seeking for us. Maybe we dated or even married someone who needed us to support his dreams instead of our own. Or maybe we began to believe the pervasive message of the media – whose job is to get us to buy stuff – that if we just bought one more thing, whether a doll, a new pair of shoes or breasts, then we would could go after what we wanted.

As I grew up this belief began to play out in all aspects of my life. And, in retrospect I am surprised that it did as I reflect on something a family friend, Mr. Leetham, whom I greatly admired said to me when I was about eight -- “Whitney, you are going to be a heartbreaker when you get older.” I relished these words: and I believed him.

But you know what? I wasn’t a heartbreaker.

All through high school there was a boy that I liked – an unrequited love. You could fairly accurately predict whom this boy would like next, because in the months prior, his soon-to-be girlfriend would have become one of my best friends. Oh yes, and in an especially cruel turn of fate, in 9th grade, his best friend liked me. While it is no longer relevant whether this boy did or did not like me it does matter that I didn’t believe he ever would or even could. The other side of this Leah coin is that when a wonderful young boy did like me, one who took me on my first date, I couldn’t like him back. Because as Leah, I couldn’t believe that I had the power to make my dreams come true.

When I was eight, I was Rachel, but by 8th grade, I was Leah. My ei

Of Corvettes and Porsches

Several weeks ago, my friend Lorna shared with me that while still in her early 20's, she bought her dream car, a red Corvette.

Her dad helped her finance the purchase, but I was surprised nonetheless.

Though I've "wanted" a Porsche Carrera for over 20 years, I've never really been serious about buying one. I've never even test-driven one, unless you count the time I drove around the block of the car dealership several times before losing my nerve.

You may be thinking, of course you didn't buy it -- Porsches are a luxury car and they aren't exactly kid-friendly.

But, you know what?

There were several years of Wall Street bonuses, and no children until my mid-30s.

And I didn't buy one.

I wonder why.

Lorna offhandedly said something which I think is quite important.

"I looked really good then."

There are many possible takeaways from her comment, and by the way, she continues to look fabulous, actually more fabulous now, because of who she is.

But my key takeaway was this.

Lorna bought a Corvette.

Because Lorna believed she deserved to own a Corvette.

Because Lorna (as did her father) believed she was Rachel.

For some, not all, no matter how successful we become, we occasionally have to remind ourselves that Leah needs to take a backseat.

When I buy my next car, will I buy a Porsche?

I don't yet know, but if Rachel has her way, I will.

Can you think of something that you really, really wanted to do, try or buy, and you did? How did you feel?

Is there something you want to do today that you haven't done? Why?

According to the Bem Sex-Role Inventory, a woman is considered feminine only when she is providing resources (time, money, praise) to someone else. How does this societal belief influence your decisions?

To what extent are we gatekeepers for our children's dreams? What would we need to do to fling open the gate?

The NY Times recently published an article by Bill Carter titled Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys, analyzing why Katie Couric's gig on CBS hasn't lived up to expectations.

Using the 'dare to dream' lens, let's analyze this further. Shall we?

1. Archetype mis-match -- When you look at Todd Heisler's above photograph, Ms. Couric looks isolated, almost forlorn. I can't help but think of the Bem Sex-Role Inventory's definition of femininity: Girls are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship and when they are giving something to someone else. The images of Ms. Couric on The Today Show are in sync with our society's view of femininity. The CBS News images are not.

Contrast the above with those Carter describes as "swashbuckling correspondents [e.g. Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather] who became cool doing hard news". This swashbuckler image foots with what we consider masculine: the solitary man (think Johnny Depp in Pirates and Pierce Brosnan as James Bond) slays the dragon, returns a hero, tells the tale.

In other words, our conscious mind may want to support a Ms. Couric, especially if we watched her faithfully on The Today Show, but we don't. Because there's a mismatch between what we instinctively believe and what we see.

2. Ms. Couric isn't playing to her strengths -- This is closely tied to the above, except that Ms. Couric can't change what other people believe, while she can change what she does. Which is to play to her strengths -- her innate talents, competencies, principles, and identity.

I don't know whether she reports hard news well. She probably does or she wouldn't be where she is. But her ability to chase down news is secondary to her girl-next-door persona.

So why would she have opted in to a situation which wasn't her?

Because of what the title intimates -- that to count we need to be one of the boys.

And because our society doesn't really value women's core strengths of connecting and collaborating unless a man displays them, we start to believe we're Leah.

Because we want Leah to permanently leave the building (she likes to slip in unawares), will you consider the following:

1) Think about women in the public eye whom you admire. Do you consider these women to be feminine? Does that mean that they don't have power to get their dreams done? Or do they?

2) How can we work with the the archetypes and ideas that prevail in our society, rather than fighting against them?

3) Have you thought any more about your strengths? Relish them. Leverage them. Figure out how to pursue your dream in a context that values your strengths.

4) And if you can't find a system, club, business, or group of friends that will value your strengths, why not find like-minded people and start your own?

There is so much to glean from Joseph Newfield's site 'be neighborly'.

Drawing on his advertising background, and love of architecture, Joseph makes three key points related to "websites that work", all of which are relevant to dare to dream.

1) Be a part of something

The success of buildings, and websites, depends on how well they enable people to do things. In both instances, this is a function of how connected they are to other buildings, systems or sites; how integrated they are into the fabric of the community.

Isn't this another way of saying, we only really dream when we are together? And three cheers for systergy, oxytocin, and ladies who lunch?

More specifically, my thanks to Melanie Mauer and Jaime Young, for their reaching out to me this past week. When you visit their sites, observe how Melanie tells stories through her photography, Jaime through digital scrapbooking.

2) Tell stories

Stories matter because that's how we experience life: not as discrete tasks but as experiences, moments that add up to a larger whole. Yet many websites offer a litany of tasks and tools without any context, without any seeming contemplation of the arc of their audience's story.

Shutterfly was, until recently, a great example of [what not to do]. Personal photography is a means of self-expression, and if we do it well many of us would like recognition. Yet visitors to Shutterfly [were] greeted with products and seasonal specials. It [was] as passive as a piece of direct mail, barely participating in customer's lives.

In other words, seeing our life as a story is key to making meaning of our own lives, and helping those we love make meaning of theirs.

3. Don't just sit there looking pretty.

For years I've perused books, magazines, and websites devoted to all types of design, architecture, photography and found myself unsettled by the beautiful work being celebrated there, work that is is neither relevant nor moving.

[In contrast], craigslist is merely words with the occasional picture, but it's one of the most engaging websites ever. One visits again and again, for many different reasons, and is part of a new story every time.

Do you remember what my daughter seemed to be saying some months back when she refused to wear what I wanted her to wear? It's not about looking pretty and being pampered, it's about being, daring and dreaming...

What websites and blogs do you visit regularly? Who visits yours? Do you say hello, especially to those that visit you?

If you were a building or website, how would you describe your surrounding community? How integrated are you into its fabric?

Which sites/blogs help you tell your story?

Lackluster reviews notwithstanding, there are several reasons to like the film Nancy Drew. Four to be precise, if you subscribe to the view that the best way for women to find their voice is to listen to those that have found theirs.

1) Women were involved in the making of Nancy Drew, from the studio executives, to the executive producers, to the writers. This is no small feat, given that only "15% of the directors, writers, producers and editors working in Hollywood are women", according to Sharon Waxman's NY Times article Hollywood's shortage of female power. The storytellers honored by Oscar quiz supports this finding.

© 2007 Warner Bros. Pictures

2. The film features a female protagonist. This too is unusual. According to a study titled Where the Girls Aren't, which analyzed gender roles in 100 G-rated movies, only 25% of the characters in the sample were female, only 28% of the speaking characters were female. I have a hunch that these percentages would trend even lower for PG films.

3. Nancy "achieves the goal" and "gets the guy", something that many women falsely believe is impossible, even though films are generally replete with male heros who "achieve the goal" AND "get the girl". Which is why I came away so sad after seeing The Devil Wears Prada. Anne Hathaway’s character is thrown into the competitive world of fashion, and she prevails, only to have her loved ones tell her she’s sold her soul to the devil.

4) Nancy's an archetype worth emulating; naturally she's "perfect" -- archetypes tend to be. Not only did I arrive home happy to have spent 1 1/2 hours with a smart, driven, kind, and caring girl, my 6 year-old Miranda arrived home empowered. The following morning when she learned something had been misplaced, she asked for a flashlight and declared "Miranda to the rescue!"

Have you seen Nancy Drew?

What did you think?

P.S. For those of you who live in Boston, on July 28, there's a Girls Night Nancy Drew movie. Thanks to Alyson Jenkins for the heads up!

When I first heard India.Arie's 'Beautiful Flower', I was moved, and couldn't help but think you might be too; songs give utterance to truths about ourselves that words alone cannot. Ms. Arie's song became even more meaningful when I learned that she'd written it for the students at Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy for Girls.

Take a moment to listen.

What truths do you hear?

Beautiful Flower lyrics

When I suggest to my friends that they carve out a few hours, even minutes, a day to pursue their dream, sometimes I hear, "I just wouldn't feel right about taking time away from my home and family."

However, as we talk further, more often than not, I find that my friends do, in fact, spend decent chunks of time away from home volunteering at school and/or church and/or in the community.

Hmmm, I wonder.

Why is it that we feel comfortable, even good, about spending many hours/week (10+?) doing some type of volunteer work, which we may like, but don't love? But we would feel terribly uncomfortable, even bad, about allocating 2-3 hours/week to pursue a dream?

Is it because women are only feminine when we are doing something for someone else?

If so, then we are back to the double bind. Because when we are pursuing a dream, it's not for someone else, but for us: if we happen to get paid for that dream, then we're in for double the discomfort.

But if we don't pursue our dream, we can become desperate, if not depressed.

So may I make two suggestions?

1. Re-read the myth of Psyche. Remember that by saying "no" to others for just a moment, Psyche and we say yes to our self -- as well as to others.

2. If you're still feeling squeamish, go back and read Throw down your pom-poms.

I write about the sucker punch and then ka-pow!!!...

My friend Anna Giraldo-Kerr recently invited me to hear HBS professor Laura Morgan Roberts speak. Having devoured Dr. Roberts' article titled "How play to your strengths" earlier this year, I eagerly attended.

The presentation was fascinating, moving at times, Dr. Roberts' style engaging and warm. Usually I don't approach speakers at the podium, but I wanted to tell her -- I loved your paper, I've participated in one of your studies, I'm a big fan. She was so approachable, why not?

Enter the sucker punch.

She just didn't seem all that interested in what I had to say.

Sad, and feeling inconsequential, I tried to figure out on my drive home from Boston why she hadn't wanted to engage with me, speaking woman-to-approachable woman - there must be a lesson in this experience, somewhere.

I found three -- maybe you'll find more:

1) As we go after our dreams, we need to figure out how to communicate our ideas so that they can be understood by the people who are in a position to help us further our dream.

Assessing how to best communicate with Dr. Roberts was tricky. She was such a girl-next-door woman, my impulse was to share with her a personal anecdote, in a "let's connect" feminine style, completely forgetting she teaches business at an Ivy League institution, and is likely more accustomed to a "lead-with-your credentials", typically male style.

Indeed, the latter approach did seem to be more effective. When my friend Margaret Busse introduced herself by saying she had attended HBS, there was some traction.

2) Even if the people we admire don't validate us or our idea, after we consider their view, it's important to let our own opinion have the final word.

Because we are human, more often than any of us would like to be the case, we are more likely to lend a hand to someone we think can reciprocate.

I could have played the peer card -- a miscalculation on my part -- but there will inevitably be a time when we just don't have a "peer" card to play. And we can't let that deter us. We are sad for a time, and then we move on, because that's what dare to dreamers do.

3) Look for the both/and.

Ok, so Dr. Roberts didn't receive me. Maybe she was exhausted, maybe I'm making entirely the wrong meaning out of my interaction. But our perception is our reality. Does that mean I'm going to "throw the baby out with the bath water", given that what she has to say is so very compelling? Not if I'm being the adult I purport to be.

So, there you have it -- my real-time sucker punch, complete with lessons learned. On Friday, I'll share what I thought were the highlights of Dr. Roberts' talk -- there are many!

Have you had an experience when you were thrilled to meet someone who had inspired you as you were dreaming, and they weren't all that interested?

How did you feel?

Most importantly, what did you learn?

For those of you who didn't see Sara Rimer's "For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too", one of The New York Times most e-mailed and blogged about articles this week, here's the link.

Link: For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too - New York Times.

There are so many quotable quotes in this article. I'll highlight four:

1. To anyone who knows 17-year-old Esther Mobley, one of the best students (Esther is a standout in AP Latin, honors philosophy/literature, an actress, and president of her church youth group) at one of the best public high schools (Newton North High School just outside of Boston) in the country, it is absurd to think she doesn't measure up. But Esther herself is quick to set the record straight -- 'First of all, I'm a terrible athlete...'

WJ commentary:
Do you remember Anna Fels' article "Do women lack ambition?" Quoting Fels, "Women refuse to claim a central, purposeful place in their stories, eagerly shifting the credit elsewhere and shunning recognition." Esther's comment that she's a terrible athlete seems to be her way of sending the message that she really is feminine (e.g. by giving recognition away to anyone but herself) when society would say that her achievements and ambition suggest otherwise.

2. While it is now cool to be smart, it is not enough to be smart. You still have to be pretty, thin, and hot...effortlessly hot.

WJ Commentary:
The need to be hot seems to me like overcompensation. As if girls will be forgiven for being smart and capable if they are uber-feminine. In the case of Esther and her friends, they seem to be equating sexy with feminine.

3. I would rather be considered too assertive and less conventionally feminine than be totally passive and a bystander in my life....[Someone I] admire [is] Cristina (Sandra Oh) on Grey's Anatomy who stands up for herself and is gorgeous and wears cute lingerie.

WJ Commentary:
Can you imagine a man saying, "I'd rather be considered too kind and less conventionally masculine" and in the same breath tell you he really likes Arnold Schwarzenegger's tenderness in the film "True Lies?" I can't either.

4. In Esther's application to Smith, her father wrote a letter, explaining that when Esther was a baby, they had gone to his wife's 10th college reunion. He described the alumni parade as an 'angelic procession of women in white, decade by decade, at every stage in the course of human life...I still remember holding Esther as I watched those saints go marching by..and thinking I want Esther to be in that number'.

WJ Commentary:
To what extent are we as parents the keeper of our children's dreams? Do we want our children to measure up to some mistaken standard (perhaps a standard our parents/society set for us which we are now perpetuating)? And in so doing, are we inadvertently raising our daughters to believe that they are Leah rather than the Rachel they knew they were as young girls?

Enough of my pontificating, do you agree or disagree with my commentary? Why? Why not?

Any thoughts on how this article would have been different had the storyteller been a man rather than a woman? Would it have been written?

What have you watched or read or listened to lately, vis-a-vis women's hopes and dreams, that gave you pause?

When you have capably completed a task, and were inevitably congratulated, did you try to deflect attention away from you by saying "It was nothing," or maybe pointing out something that you aren't good at?

Any thoughts on how we can change the standards by which we measure our children, and perhaps more importantly, ourselves?

Finally, what can we do to dream our own dreams, and teach our children to dream theirs?

When one of my friends first told me about her her big idea, she said that she'd had ideas before, but hadn't pursued them due to a lack of resources. My immediate, somewhat cavalier, response was -- of course there are resources available to make a dream happen, especially in the developed markets. You just have to be willing to go after them.

Well, within weeks, I came to rue my brief moment on the soap box. I needed to make a decision as to whether to allocate resources to me, to my education and training, to Whitney, Inc., if you will. And to my surprise, I found myself balking, stressing really, over this investment. Should I make it? Isn't this risky? The timing and probabilty of a return on an investment is so uncertain.

Hmmm. Maybe it's not as simple as -- if you can dream it, you can do it.

I encourage all that come within my orbit to dare to dream; I'm even willing to consider investing time and money in someone else's dream, and I won't invest in Whitney, Inc.?

So, I tried to pass the choice-making buck, by getting my husband to tell me not to spend the money.

His response? Spend what you need to spend.

Which is when I really began to squirm: double binds do that.

Here's how I saw it.

If I choose to allocate resources to Whitney, Inc., then I feel I am sacrificing my femininity, because society tells me I'm only feminine when I'm giving something to someone else. But if I don't invest in me, if I don't dream, won't I be desperate and depressed?

Happily Psyche's fourth task illustrates that what I thought was a double bind, is actually a double find, for while she must temporarily say no, as she learns to exercise choice, she is learning to yes -- in perpetuity -- not only to herself, but to her loved ones.

Jungian psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen summarizes:

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. She is the leading lady in her own life story on a journey that begins at birth and continues through her lifetime. Though life is full of unchosen circumstances, there are always moments of decision. To be a heroine, she must act as if her choices matter.

So -- you ask -- Will I say yes to Whitney, Inc.?

I'm scared, but I will.

But enough about me.

Will you say yes to you?

As you consider a dream that you want to pursue, what resources are at your disposal? If expertise and/or money are not readily available, do you have a skill which could be bartered? Think Intellectual Immigration Fund. Most importantly, are you surrounding yourself with people that will encourage you, that will be your heroes of support?

Can you think of a time when you wanted to do something, but almost didn’t because you felt guilty? Or were scared? How did you feel afterward? Did you find that by saying yes to yourself, you were in fact, saying yes to your family and friends?

I was sick all week, barely functional in fact. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t feel well, and I can’t sleep or even read, I watch TV, hoping to find something that will allow me to forget how lousy I feel.

And so I found myself watching an all-day marathon of America’s Next Top Model – Round 7. I had seen snatches of the show over the past two years, so I was familiar with the format. I'd had the general impression that while most of the girls on the program were attractive, they lacked confidence, and in many cases, education.

Which is why I was surprised by a contestant named Melrose Bickerstaff. Not only was she attractive, she was savvy. Melrose handily won challenges, and to my mind was the clear front-runner in the competition.

But guess what? She didn’t win.

She DIDN’T win.

Here’s my analysis of her failure to win: she lost because of her poor relationships with the other contestants.

Yup – that’s right.

Her relationships. Remember, women are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship or when we are giving something to someone else, like recognition.

Was she that mean and nasty? It would seem that she wasn’t – certainly if she had been they would have aired the footage. (Remember Omarosa?) Mean and nasty makes great television.

Regardless, the other girls didn’t like her. And when the judges (a panel of five – 2 women, 3 men) had to make a final decision about who would win and who would lose, Tyra Banks made the comment, “well the other girls didn’t really like her...”

When I was still working on Wall Street, a Harvard Business School professor came in to lead a day of training for all First Vice presidents throughout the firm. One of the interesting nuggets I gleaned from that meeting was the fact that it takes longer for women to climb the corporate ladder because when a man is up for a promotion, the opinion of his superiors is the only opinion that matters. When a woman is up for promotion, her superiors AND her peers are consulted.

Interesting.

America’s Next Top Model was an instance where the girls liking Melrose was, in my opinion, irrelevant. Especially because it seemed that their dislike was largely due to jealousy. But because we are only considered feminine within the context of relationships, if we don’t have good relationships, well then we’re sunk.

The bad news is that when we don’t feel there’s enough for us, enough bounty, we just trip the prom queen, experiencing the dark side of systergy, and no one wins. The good news is that if we do feel there’s enough for us, this enough-ness spills over into our relationships, and we experience systergy, accomplishing far more than we could have on our own.

Can you think of a recent experience when you encouraged and helped another woman, savoring her success?

How did you feel?

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To realize their dreams, women need to understand why they are willing to walk away from them. Anna Fels

It took a nanosecond -- less than a nanosecond.

I had just read: “O, the Oprah Magazine, announces a contest for 50 lucky women to win a spa vacation with Oprah Winfrey, filled with life lessons and little indulgences at Miraval Resort, Tucson.”

And almost before I could form the thought, “What an amazing experience; I’m going to enter,” one of those ne'er-do-well thoughts pounced, which was:

"I can’t."

Why? Does it cost money to enter?

Yep. About a dollar when I include postage.

Ok, so not really. Or at least it doesn’t have to cost much.

So why not enter? Are you embarrassed to say that you like Oprah?

How can I not like a fairy godmother?

Why then? Can you not figure out what to say on the postcard?

I guess I could just tell the truth. Something like “who wouldn’t want to spend 5 days and 4 nights with 49 women from whom I can learn and delight in, all the while observing Oprah, Gayle et al up close and personal?”

So I guess I do know what to say.

By this time I’ve peeled back so many onion layers of excuses, I’m on the verge of tears, but ready to get to the real why. Which is: I don’t think it’s okay to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want can be almost unbearably uncomfortable; the more I want something, the greater the discomfort.

Anna Fels writes: “In both the public and the private spheres…women are facing the reality that in order to be seen as feminine, they must provide or relinquish resources –including recognition—to others.” She continues, “the expectation is so deeply rooted in the culture’s ideals of femininity that it is largely unconscious.”

Maybe it’s also because no matter how successful I become, I just can’t quite believe that I’m Rachel and that I can ask for what I want. No matter how far I’ve come, Leah’s still lurking inside me.

Once I figured this out, the gauntlet had been thrown down, and I had to enter the contest.

Will I be sad if I’m not chosen from the possible 100,000+ women that enter the contest?

Of course, I’ll be sad.

But I'll be more happy than sad - because for a brief moment, Leah has left the building.

P.S. Here's the pOstcard: Thanks to Mallika Sundaramurthy, a talented up-and-coming artist, for bringing my idea to life!

Last night, I watched the finale of Survivor: Cook Islands. Not a show I typically watch, but I had about a thousand things I needed to be doing so I decided to watch television. I'm glad I did. It was a perfect Throw down your pom-poms case study.

In Survivor, several dozen people are placed on a remote island where their survival skills are tested; every few days the contestants vote someone off the island. When there all only three contestants left, the nine most recently voted off vote on who should win the million dollars.

The final three contestants were Yul Kwon, the son of South Korean immigrants, a competitive water polo player, and a Yale Law School graduate, who came to be known as the godfather or master strategist. Oscar (Ozzy) Lusth, a Mexican-American surfer with Robinson Crusoe-like prowess became known as the warrior; he swims well, knows how to spear fish, and easily scales coconut trees. The third finalist was Becky Lee, also born of South Korean immigrants, and in Queens (as was Yul), a competitive tennis player, and a U. of Pittsburgh Law School Grad. Her actual role? Yul's sidekick?

Which meant that when their peers had to cast a final vote, Yul, the strategist, received five votes. Ozzy, the warrior, received four. Becky, zero. Even I, who wanted to want her to win, wouldn't have voted for her. She not only didn't come across as a leader, she'd been on the island for nearly forty days, and couldn't build a fire.

What's fascinating is that after Yul won he commented that people underestimated Becky's role. She strategized with me; we made decisions together. As a key advisor to Yul, she was the one person he never betrayed. No romantic connection either, just comrades-in-arms. But the roles were clear. He was the general, she the lieutenant.

You know what I am going to say.

Scientific research suggests that women are considered feminine only when they are giving something to someone, be it resources or recognition. Becky was feminine all right, but in this high stakes game, her femininity cost her big. Ozzy, the runner-up, won $100k and a car for being an audience favorite. Yul. He walked away with a million dollars. For Becky, the key advisor? Nada. And, nope, Yul may not share the spoils with her. If he shares, he forfeits.

There are times to hang on to your pom-poms. This wasn’t one of them.

To be clear, relatedness and nurturing are important. If we set aside these traits which are innate to women, we will lose an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But, being able to set and achieve goals, in the workplace, the community, or even on Survivor, is also an important piece of who we are.

So, when it's time, and you'll know...Throw down your pom-poms.

Do we let our girls know we see them as leaders? That we value their kindness and support of others, as well as their initiative and smarts?

What can we do to make it easier for the girls and women in our lives to get in the game?

The destiny of the world is determined less by the battles that are lost and won than by the stories it loves and believes in. Harold Goddard

One of our family’s beloved traditions is bedtime reading. We snuggle with our children, have real conversations with them (they think they are successfully deploying a stall tactic – we know better), say our goodnight prayers, and then we read stories. We have loved reading Come on Rain by Karen Hesse, a picture book which recounts the anticipation, and then the sheer delight, of a young girl and her friends and their mothers, as they revel and romp in the rain on a hot, humid day. Frindle by Andrew Clements left us agog at Nicholas Allen’s ingenuity, amazed at the power of words. And then there is The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald. We were deeply touched by the magical grandmother’s gentle mentoring of her princess granddaughter.

One story that I hope to share with my daughter soon is the myth of Psyche. This is a story that I love, a story that I believe in. It is one of the few, according to Jungian psychologists Jean Shinoda Bolen and Robert Johnson, that help us understand the psychology of feminine, rather than masculine, development.

Let’s take a look.

Psyche is a mortal woman who wants to find her estranged husband, Eros, God of Love and son of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, whose jealous fit led to their meeting and falling in love in the first place, holds the key to their being reunited: it often happens that whatever has wounded us is instrumental in our healing.

Aphrodite assigns Psyche four tasks, all of which are symbolic of skills she needs to develop. Note that while each task requires her to do more than she feels capable of, and she is initially paralyzed by fear, they are part of a course that Psyche has chosen.

Task 1: Sort seeds

For the first task, Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Sifting through possibilities and establishing personal priorities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties requires a sorting of the seeds. Sometimes we need to sleep on the problem letting the industrious collective of ants – our subconscious – work things out. As we learn to trust our intuition, clarity will emerge.

Task 2: Acquire golden fleece

Aphrodite next orders Psyche to obtain golden fleece from the rams of the sun, huge aggressive beasts who are in a field, butting against each other. This task also seems impossible, for if Psyche goes amongst the rams, she’ll be trampled. This time, instead of ants coming to her aid, the reeds on the river’s edge call to her, advising her to wait until sundown when the rams disperse so she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles the rams have brushed against.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion. My friend Lori Richards shared these words from Suzanne Brogger:

If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society.

Task 3: Fill the crystal flask

For the third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons.

Psyche’s ability to fill the crystal flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal, avoid the pitfalls that will inevitably come, and to then achieve her goal.

Task 4: Learn to say no

For the fourth and final task, Aphrodite orders Psyche to descend into the underworld and fill a box with the beauty ointment. This task is more than the traditional hero’s test, for Psyche is told she will encounter people on her way who will ask for her help, and she will have to ignore their pleas and continue on.

To set a goal and pursue it in the face of requests for help from others is especially difficult for women whose lives are focused on care giving. In completing the task of saying no, three times, Psyche exercises choice. Many women allow themselves to be imposed on and diverted as they set about their goals. They cannot accomplish what they set out to do, or to determine their life course until they learn to say no. I love these words attributed to Oprah Winfrey:

We can’t ever REALLY say yes, until we learn to say no.

As Psyche completes these four tasks, she grows and develops. Yet, despite ALL she achieves, her basic feminine nature remains unchanged. For she never would have undergone this hero’s journey, risking everything, had it not been for a relationship.

Why do I love this story? Why do I want my daughter to live by it?

Because to become who she is – to accomplish all that she was meant to do – she needs to not only love and nurture and care and connect, she needs to know how to sort through and prioritize her possibilities, to learn when and how to obtain power without selling her soul, to keep her eyes on her prize, and to learn to say no.

As she does so, she will say yes to who she really is.

May we each say YES!

What stories do you love and believe in? What stories encourage you to dream? Tell me more.

The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world. Susan B. Anthony

Last week I spoke to a group of teenaged women (ages 13-17) as part of a “go-for-your life-goals” pep rally. As I prepared to pep the girls, I couldn’t help but recall my early days on Wall Street.

I had just started working as a sales assistant at Smith Barney’s 6th Avenue office on the 21st floor, in Manhattan. Near my desk there was what we called a bullpen, where a bunch of newly recruited stockbrokers (who were mostly men) sat and were trying to open a certain number of accounts per week via cold calling and sell a certain dollar amount in stocks.

In this locker room for twenty-something guys, testosterone ran high, and there was intense pressure to meet their quotas. These guys, faced with a lot of hellos followed by the dial tone, inevitably went for the hard-sell. One expression I liked was: “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist….to know that buying this stock makes sense.” Another expression they’d use on waffling male prospects was, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

At the time, I took offense at this turn of phrase. I had been a cheerleader in high school. I had aspired to be a cheerleader. I loved being a cheerleader. It was an important part of my identity in high school. And here they were saying cheerleading didn’t matter.

But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting to say to my daughter and to all women, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

Let me share what I mean.

Some months ago, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review by Anna Fels, a psychiatrist at Cornell University, titled, “Do Women Lack Ambition?” After interviewing dozens of successful women, Dr. Fels observed that when these “women told their own story, they refused to claim a central, purposeful place.”

Were Fels to interview you, how would you tell your story? Are you using language that would suggest you are the supporting actress in your own life? For example, when someone offers words of appreciation about a dinner you have prepared, or a class you’ve taught, or an event you have organized and executed, brilliantly. Do you gracefully say, “thank you.” Or do you say, “You are so sweet. It was nothing really.”

As Fels tried to understand why women refuse to be the heroes of their own stories, she encountered the Bem Sex-Role Inventory which indicated that our society considers a woman to be feminine only within the context of a relationship and if she is giving something to someone, such as recognition. It is no wonder then that a “feminine” woman finds it difficult to get in the game, to demand support to pursue her goals, and feels selfish when she doesn’t subordinate her needs to others.

In high school there was a boy I liked a lot, actually my first true love. I was smart. He was smart. But we were both very relieved to see at the end of the first semester of our sophomore year that he had higher grades than I did.

My freshman year in college there was a young man who I was friendly with. He was not my boyfriend, but nonetheless, I remember feeling relieved when I received a 96 on a test, and he received a 98. Somehow I sensed that if I did better than him, it would upset the equilibrium of our relationship.

More recently, one of my friends who is in her mid-20’s and who just started attending Harvard Business School told me about her study group which consists of four men and two women. All are expected to contribute, and are graded on the quality of their participation in the group. The other woman in the group, who was initially quite involved, began to withdraw after the first two weeks because the men had begun to ostracize her.

Again quoting Fels, “A key type of discrimination that women face is the expectation that feminine women will forfeit opportunities for recognition…When women do speak as much as men in a work situation or compete for high-visibility positions, their femininity is assailed.”

By the way, when I was 8, I had no trouble at all going to competing with Scott McAdams on multiplication drills. He and I were continually vying for the title of fastest and smartest – Oh, I took great pride in beating him.

The point of my musings is not to say that relatedness and nurturing and cheering others on aren’t important. I absolutely 100% believe these qualities are innate in women – and if we set them aside, we will have lost an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But contrary to what others may suggest, “getting in the game” is also a part of who we are. When we recognize this, we give ourselves permission to dream, to move ourselves to the center of our life story, and to encourage the girls and women around us to do the same.

One of my readers recently shared with me the story of two women who have gotten in the game. Eden Jarrin and Heidi Baker are confident in their ability to create a better living space and want other women Do-it-yourselfers (DIYers) to feel equally confident. Thank you for sharing the link to their website www.bejane.com. Eden and Heidi -- Atta girls!

Get in your Game.

“Life began for me when I ceased to admire and began to remember.” Willa Cather

Several years ago I read Orson Scott Card’s book Rachel and Leah. In Card’s retelling of the story of these two sisters, I began to wonder what it would have been like to be Rachel, the favored one. But as I continued reading, I found myself wondering more often what it would be like to be Leah? In the story, Rachel, the younger and more beautiful sister vies for and wins the heart of Jacob. Because ancient custom required the elder sister marry first, Jacob pays the price of marrying Leah (who also loves Jacob) in order to marry Rachel.

The more I thought about this story, the more I realized that Rachel and Leah are archetypes for women today. Do we as women believe we are Rachel, the favored one, the one who gets to dream and see those dreams come true, or do we more often believe we are Leah, the sister who must settle for whatever is handed to her by circumstance or chance. Unfortunately, I think most of us see ourselves as Leah, and this attitude of acquiescence I have dubbed “the Leah complex.”

Even more interesting to me was the notion that, as young girls, most of us would have aligned ourselves with Rachel – we absolutely believed in our dreams and our power to achieve them - but, over time, we come to believe that we are Leah.

Perhaps we stopped believing in our power to dream because our parents sent us the message that we were just shy of the perfection they were seeking for us. Maybe we dated or even married someone who needed us to support his dreams instead of our own. Or maybe we began to believe the pervasive message of the media – whose job is to get us to buy stuff – that if we just bought one more thing, whether a doll, a new pair of shoes or breasts, then we would could go after what we wanted.

As I grew up this belief began to play out in all aspects of my life. And, in retrospect I am surprised that it did as I reflect on something a family friend, Mr. Leetham, whom I greatly admired said to me when I was about eight -- “Whitney, you are going to be a heartbreaker when you get older.” I relished these words: and I believed him.

But you know what? I wasn’t a heartbreaker.

All through high school there was a boy that I liked – an unrequited love. You could fairly accurately predict whom this boy would like next, because in the months prior, his soon-to-be girlfriend would have become one of my best friends. Oh yes, and in an especially cruel turn of fate, in 9th grade, his best friend liked me. While it is no longer relevant whether this boy did or did not like me it does matter that I didn’t believe he ever would or even could. The other side of this Leah coin is that when a wonderful young boy did like me, one who took me on my first date, I couldn’t like him back. Because as Leah, I couldn’t believe that I had the power to make my dreams come true.

When I was eight, I was Rachel, but by 8th grade, I was Leah. My ei

NY Times -- Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys

The NY Times recently published an article by Bill Carter titled Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys, analyzing why Katie Couric's gig on CBS hasn't lived up to expectations.

Using the 'dare to dream' lens, let's analyze this further. Shall we?

1. Archetype mis-match -- When you look at Todd Heisler's above photograph, Ms. Couric looks isolated, almost forlorn. I can't help but think of the Bem Sex-Role Inventory's definition of femininity: Girls are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship and when they are giving something to someone else. The images of Ms. Couric on The Today Show are in sync with our society's view of femininity. The CBS News images are not.

Contrast the above with those Carter describes as "swashbuckling correspondents [e.g. Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather] who became cool doing hard news". This swashbuckler image foots with what we consider masculine: the solitary man (think Johnny Depp in Pirates and Pierce Brosnan as James Bond) slays the dragon, returns a hero, tells the tale.

In other words, our conscious mind may want to support a Ms. Couric, especially if we watched her faithfully on The Today Show, but we don't. Because there's a mismatch between what we instinctively believe and what we see.

2. Ms. Couric isn't playing to her strengths -- This is closely tied to the above, except that Ms. Couric can't change what other people believe, while she can change what she does. Which is to play to her strengths -- her innate talents, competencies, principles, and identity.

I don't know whether she reports hard news well. She probably does or she wouldn't be where she is. But her ability to chase down news is secondary to her girl-next-door persona.

So why would she have opted in to a situation which wasn't her?

Because of what the title intimates -- that to count we need to be one of the boys.

And because our society doesn't really value women's core strengths of connecting and collaborating unless a man displays them, we start to believe we're Leah.

Because we want Leah to permanently leave the building (she likes to slip in unawares), will you consider the following:

1) Think about women in the public eye whom you admire. Do you consider these women to be feminine? Does that mean that they don't have power to get their dreams done? Or do they?

2) How can we work with the the archetypes and ideas that prevail in our society, rather than fighting against them?

3) Have you thought any more about your strengths? Relish them. Leverage them. Figure out how to pursue your dream in a context that values your strengths.

4) And if you can't find a system, club, business, or group of friends that will value your strengths, why not find like-minded people and start your own?

Site I Like: be neighborly

There is so much to glean from Joseph Newfield's site 'be neighborly'.

Drawing on his advertising background, and love of architecture, Joseph makes three key points related to "websites that work", all of which are relevant to dare to dream.

1) Be a part of something

The success of buildings, and websites, depends on how well they enable people to do things. In both instances, this is a function of how connected they are to other buildings, systems or sites; how integrated they are into the fabric of the community.

Isn't this another way of saying, we only really dream when we are together? And three cheers for systergy, oxytocin, and ladies who lunch?

More specifically, my thanks to Melanie Mauer and Jaime Young, for their reaching out to me this past week. When you visit their sites, observe how Melanie tells stories through her photography, Jaime through digital scrapbooking.

2) Tell stories

Stories matter because that's how we experience life: not as discrete tasks but as experiences, moments that add up to a larger whole. Yet many websites offer a litany of tasks and tools without any context, without any seeming contemplation of the arc of their audience's story.

Shutterfly was, until recently, a great example of [what not to do]. Personal photography is a means of self-expression, and if we do it well many of us would like recognition. Yet visitors to Shutterfly [were] greeted with products and seasonal specials. It [was] as passive as a piece of direct mail, barely participating in customer's lives.

In other words, seeing our life as a story is key to making meaning of our own lives, and helping those we love make meaning of theirs.

3. Don't just sit there looking pretty.

For years I've perused books, magazines, and websites devoted to all types of design, architecture, photography and found myself unsettled by the beautiful work being celebrated there, work that is is neither relevant nor moving.

[In contrast], craigslist is merely words with the occasional picture, but it's one of the most engaging websites ever. One visits again and again, for many different reasons, and is part of a new story every time.

Do you remember what my daughter seemed to be saying some months back when she refused to wear what I wanted her to wear? It's not about looking pretty and being pampered, it's about being, daring and dreaming...

What websites and blogs do you visit regularly? Who visits yours? Do you say hello, especially to those that visit you?

If you were a building or website, how would you describe your surrounding community? How integrated are you into its fabric?

Which sites/blogs help you tell your story?

Drawing on Nancy Drew to find our voice

Lackluster reviews notwithstanding, there are several reasons to like the film Nancy Drew. Four to be precise, if you subscribe to the view that the best way for women to find their voice is to listen to those that have found theirs.

1) Women were involved in the making of Nancy Drew, from the studio executives, to the executive producers, to the writers. This is no small feat, given that only "15% of the directors, writers, producers and editors working in Hollywood are women", according to Sharon Waxman's NY Times article Hollywood's shortage of female power. The storytellers honored by Oscar quiz supports this finding.

© 2007 Warner Bros. Pictures

2. The film features a female protagonist. This too is unusual. According to a study titled Where the Girls Aren't, which analyzed gender roles in 100 G-rated movies, only 25% of the characters in the sample were female, only 28% of the speaking characters were female. I have a hunch that these percentages would trend even lower for PG films.

3. Nancy "achieves the goal" and "gets the guy", something that many women falsely believe is impossible, even though films are generally replete with male heros who "achieve the goal" AND "get the girl". Which is why I came away so sad after seeing The Devil Wears Prada. Anne Hathaway’s character is thrown into the competitive world of fashion, and she prevails, only to have her loved ones tell her she’s sold her soul to the devil.

4) Nancy's an archetype worth emulating; naturally she's "perfect" -- archetypes tend to be. Not only did I arrive home happy to have spent 1 1/2 hours with a smart, driven, kind, and caring girl, my 6 year-old Miranda arrived home empowered. The following morning when she learned something had been misplaced, she asked for a flashlight and declared "Miranda to the rescue!"

Have you seen Nancy Drew?

What did you think?

P.S. For those of you who live in Boston, on July 28, there's a Girls Night Nancy Drew movie. Thanks to Alyson Jenkins for the heads up!

A song to dream by: Beautiful Flower

When I first heard India.Arie's 'Beautiful Flower', I was moved, and couldn't help but think you might be too; songs give utterance to truths about ourselves that words alone cannot. Ms. Arie's song became even more meaningful when I learned that she'd written it for the students at Oprah Winfrey's Leadership Academy for Girls.

Take a moment to listen.

What truths do you hear?

Beautiful Flower lyrics

Say yes to you

When I suggest to my friends that they carve out a few hours, even minutes, a day to pursue their dream, sometimes I hear, "I just wouldn't feel right about taking time away from my home and family."

However, as we talk further, more often than not, I find that my friends do, in fact, spend decent chunks of time away from home volunteering at school and/or church and/or in the community.

Hmmm, I wonder.

Why is it that we feel comfortable, even good, about spending many hours/week (10+?) doing some type of volunteer work, which we may like, but don't love? But we would feel terribly uncomfortable, even bad, about allocating 2-3 hours/week to pursue a dream?

Is it because women are only feminine when we are doing something for someone else?

If so, then we are back to the double bind. Because when we are pursuing a dream, it's not for someone else, but for us: if we happen to get paid for that dream, then we're in for double the discomfort.

But if we don't pursue our dream, we can become desperate, if not depressed.

So may I make two suggestions?

1. Re-read the myth of Psyche. Remember that by saying "no" to others for just a moment, Psyche and we say yes to our self -- as well as to others.

2. If you're still feeling squeamish, go back and read Throw down your pom-poms.

Hero's Journey: Sucker punch in real-time

I write about the sucker punch and then ka-pow!!!...

My friend Anna Giraldo-Kerr recently invited me to hear HBS professor Laura Morgan Roberts speak. Having devoured Dr. Roberts' article titled "How play to your strengths" earlier this year, I eagerly attended.

The presentation was fascinating, moving at times, Dr. Roberts' style engaging and warm. Usually I don't approach speakers at the podium, but I wanted to tell her -- I loved your paper, I've participated in one of your studies, I'm a big fan. She was so approachable, why not?

Enter the sucker punch.

She just didn't seem all that interested in what I had to say.

Sad, and feeling inconsequential, I tried to figure out on my drive home from Boston why she hadn't wanted to engage with me, speaking woman-to-approachable woman - there must be a lesson in this experience, somewhere.

I found three -- maybe you'll find more:

1) As we go after our dreams, we need to figure out how to communicate our ideas so that they can be understood by the people who are in a position to help us further our dream.

Assessing how to best communicate with Dr. Roberts was tricky. She was such a girl-next-door woman, my impulse was to share with her a personal anecdote, in a "let's connect" feminine style, completely forgetting she teaches business at an Ivy League institution, and is likely more accustomed to a "lead-with-your credentials", typically male style.

Indeed, the latter approach did seem to be more effective. When my friend Margaret Busse introduced herself by saying she had attended HBS, there was some traction.

2) Even if the people we admire don't validate us or our idea, after we consider their view, it's important to let our own opinion have the final word.

Because we are human, more often than any of us would like to be the case, we are more likely to lend a hand to someone we think can reciprocate.

I could have played the peer card -- a miscalculation on my part -- but there will inevitably be a time when we just don't have a "peer" card to play. And we can't let that deter us. We are sad for a time, and then we move on, because that's what dare to dreamers do.

3) Look for the both/and.

Ok, so Dr. Roberts didn't receive me. Maybe she was exhausted, maybe I'm making entirely the wrong meaning out of my interaction. But our perception is our reality. Does that mean I'm going to "throw the baby out with the bath water", given that what she has to say is so very compelling? Not if I'm being the adult I purport to be.

So, there you have it -- my real-time sucker punch, complete with lessons learned. On Friday, I'll share what I thought were the highlights of Dr. Roberts' talk -- there are many!

Have you had an experience when you were thrilled to meet someone who had inspired you as you were dreaming, and they weren't all that interested?

How did you feel?

Most importantly, what did you learn?

NY Times article: For Girls, It's Be Yourself...

For those of you who didn't see Sara Rimer's "For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too", one of The New York Times most e-mailed and blogged about articles this week, here's the link.

Link: For Girls, It’s Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too - New York Times.

There are so many quotable quotes in this article. I'll highlight four:

1. To anyone who knows 17-year-old Esther Mobley, one of the best students (Esther is a standout in AP Latin, honors philosophy/literature, an actress, and president of her church youth group) at one of the best public high schools (Newton North High School just outside of Boston) in the country, it is absurd to think she doesn't measure up. But Esther herself is quick to set the record straight -- 'First of all, I'm a terrible athlete...'

WJ commentary:
Do you remember Anna Fels' article "Do women lack ambition?" Quoting Fels, "Women refuse to claim a central, purposeful place in their stories, eagerly shifting the credit elsewhere and shunning recognition." Esther's comment that she's a terrible athlete seems to be her way of sending the message that she really is feminine (e.g. by giving recognition away to anyone but herself) when society would say that her achievements and ambition suggest otherwise.

2. While it is now cool to be smart, it is not enough to be smart. You still have to be pretty, thin, and hot...effortlessly hot.

WJ Commentary:
The need to be hot seems to me like overcompensation. As if girls will be forgiven for being smart and capable if they are uber-feminine. In the case of Esther and her friends, they seem to be equating sexy with feminine.

3. I would rather be considered too assertive and less conventionally feminine than be totally passive and a bystander in my life....[Someone I] admire [is] Cristina (Sandra Oh) on Grey's Anatomy who stands up for herself and is gorgeous and wears cute lingerie.

WJ Commentary:
Can you imagine a man saying, "I'd rather be considered too kind and less conventionally masculine" and in the same breath tell you he really likes Arnold Schwarzenegger's tenderness in the film "True Lies?" I can't either.

4. In Esther's application to Smith, her father wrote a letter, explaining that when Esther was a baby, they had gone to his wife's 10th college reunion. He described the alumni parade as an 'angelic procession of women in white, decade by decade, at every stage in the course of human life...I still remember holding Esther as I watched those saints go marching by..and thinking I want Esther to be in that number'.

WJ Commentary:
To what extent are we as parents the keeper of our children's dreams? Do we want our children to measure up to some mistaken standard (perhaps a standard our parents/society set for us which we are now perpetuating)? And in so doing, are we inadvertently raising our daughters to believe that they are Leah rather than the Rachel they knew they were as young girls?

Enough of my pontificating, do you agree or disagree with my commentary? Why? Why not?

Any thoughts on how this article would have been different had the storyteller been a man rather than a woman? Would it have been written?

What have you watched or read or listened to lately, vis-a-vis women's hopes and dreams, that gave you pause?

When you have capably completed a task, and were inevitably congratulated, did you try to deflect attention away from you by saying "It was nothing," or maybe pointing out something that you aren't good at?

Any thoughts on how we can change the standards by which we measure our children, and perhaps more importantly, ourselves?

Finally, what can we do to dream our own dreams, and teach our children to dream theirs?

Pscyhe and choice

When one of my friends first told me about her her big idea, she said that she'd had ideas before, but hadn't pursued them due to a lack of resources. My immediate, somewhat cavalier, response was -- of course there are resources available to make a dream happen, especially in the developed markets. You just have to be willing to go after them.

Well, within weeks, I came to rue my brief moment on the soap box. I needed to make a decision as to whether to allocate resources to me, to my education and training, to Whitney, Inc., if you will. And to my surprise, I found myself balking, stressing really, over this investment. Should I make it? Isn't this risky? The timing and probabilty of a return on an investment is so uncertain.

Hmmm. Maybe it's not as simple as -- if you can dream it, you can do it.

I encourage all that come within my orbit to dare to dream; I'm even willing to consider investing time and money in someone else's dream, and I won't invest in Whitney, Inc.?

So, I tried to pass the choice-making buck, by getting my husband to tell me not to spend the money.

His response? Spend what you need to spend.

Which is when I really began to squirm: double binds do that.

Here's how I saw it.

If I choose to allocate resources to Whitney, Inc., then I feel I am sacrificing my femininity, because society tells me I'm only feminine when I'm giving something to someone else. But if I don't invest in me, if I don't dream, won't I be desperate and depressed?

Happily Psyche's fourth task illustrates that what I thought was a double bind, is actually a double find, for while she must temporarily say no, as she learns to exercise choice, she is learning to yes -- in perpetuity -- not only to herself, but to her loved ones.

Jungian psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen summarizes:

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. She is the leading lady in her own life story on a journey that begins at birth and continues through her lifetime. Though life is full of unchosen circumstances, there are always moments of decision. To be a heroine, she must act as if her choices matter.

So -- you ask -- Will I say yes to Whitney, Inc.?

I'm scared, but I will.

But enough about me.

Will you say yes to you?

As you consider a dream that you want to pursue, what resources are at your disposal? If expertise and/or money are not readily available, do you have a skill which could be bartered? Think Intellectual Immigration Fund. Most importantly, are you surrounding yourself with people that will encourage you, that will be your heroes of support?

Can you think of a time when you wanted to do something, but almost didn’t because you felt guilty? Or were scared? How did you feel afterward? Did you find that by saying yes to yourself, you were in fact, saying yes to your family and friends?

The dark side of systergy

I was sick all week, barely functional in fact. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t feel well, and I can’t sleep or even read, I watch TV, hoping to find something that will allow me to forget how lousy I feel.

And so I found myself watching an all-day marathon of America’s Next Top Model – Round 7. I had seen snatches of the show over the past two years, so I was familiar with the format. I'd had the general impression that while most of the girls on the program were attractive, they lacked confidence, and in many cases, education.

Which is why I was surprised by a contestant named Melrose Bickerstaff. Not only was she attractive, she was savvy. Melrose handily won challenges, and to my mind was the clear front-runner in the competition.

But guess what? She didn’t win.

She DIDN’T win.

Here’s my analysis of her failure to win: she lost because of her poor relationships with the other contestants.

Yup – that’s right.

Her relationships. Remember, women are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship or when we are giving something to someone else, like recognition.

Was she that mean and nasty? It would seem that she wasn’t – certainly if she had been they would have aired the footage. (Remember Omarosa?) Mean and nasty makes great television.

Regardless, the other girls didn’t like her. And when the judges (a panel of five – 2 women, 3 men) had to make a final decision about who would win and who would lose, Tyra Banks made the comment, “well the other girls didn’t really like her...”

When I was still working on Wall Street, a Harvard Business School professor came in to lead a day of training for all First Vice presidents throughout the firm. One of the interesting nuggets I gleaned from that meeting was the fact that it takes longer for women to climb the corporate ladder because when a man is up for a promotion, the opinion of his superiors is the only opinion that matters. When a woman is up for promotion, her superiors AND her peers are consulted.

Interesting.

America’s Next Top Model was an instance where the girls liking Melrose was, in my opinion, irrelevant. Especially because it seemed that their dislike was largely due to jealousy. But because we are only considered feminine within the context of relationships, if we don’t have good relationships, well then we’re sunk.

The bad news is that when we don’t feel there’s enough for us, enough bounty, we just trip the prom queen, experiencing the dark side of systergy, and no one wins. The good news is that if we do feel there’s enough for us, this enough-ness spills over into our relationships, and we experience systergy, accomplishing far more than we could have on our own.

Can you think of a recent experience when you encouraged and helped another woman, savoring her success?

How did you feel?

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Leah leaves the building

To realize their dreams, women need to understand why they are willing to walk away from them. Anna Fels

It took a nanosecond -- less than a nanosecond.

I had just read: “O, the Oprah Magazine, announces a contest for 50 lucky women to win a spa vacation with Oprah Winfrey, filled with life lessons and little indulgences at Miraval Resort, Tucson.”

And almost before I could form the thought, “What an amazing experience; I’m going to enter,” one of those ne'er-do-well thoughts pounced, which was:

"I can’t."

Why? Does it cost money to enter?

Yep. About a dollar when I include postage.

Ok, so not really. Or at least it doesn’t have to cost much.

So why not enter? Are you embarrassed to say that you like Oprah?

How can I not like a fairy godmother?

Why then? Can you not figure out what to say on the postcard?

I guess I could just tell the truth. Something like “who wouldn’t want to spend 5 days and 4 nights with 49 women from whom I can learn and delight in, all the while observing Oprah, Gayle et al up close and personal?”

So I guess I do know what to say.

By this time I’ve peeled back so many onion layers of excuses, I’m on the verge of tears, but ready to get to the real why. Which is: I don’t think it’s okay to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want can be almost unbearably uncomfortable; the more I want something, the greater the discomfort.

Anna Fels writes: “In both the public and the private spheres…women are facing the reality that in order to be seen as feminine, they must provide or relinquish resources –including recognition—to others.” She continues, “the expectation is so deeply rooted in the culture’s ideals of femininity that it is largely unconscious.”

Maybe it’s also because no matter how successful I become, I just can’t quite believe that I’m Rachel and that I can ask for what I want. No matter how far I’ve come, Leah’s still lurking inside me.

Once I figured this out, the gauntlet had been thrown down, and I had to enter the contest.

Will I be sad if I’m not chosen from the possible 100,000+ women that enter the contest?

Of course, I’ll be sad.

But I'll be more happy than sad - because for a brief moment, Leah has left the building.

P.S. Here's the pOstcard: Thanks to Mallika Sundaramurthy, a talented up-and-coming artist, for bringing my idea to life!

It's just a game! Precisely!

Last night, I watched the finale of Survivor: Cook Islands. Not a show I typically watch, but I had about a thousand things I needed to be doing so I decided to watch television. I'm glad I did. It was a perfect Throw down your pom-poms case study.

In Survivor, several dozen people are placed on a remote island where their survival skills are tested; every few days the contestants vote someone off the island. When there all only three contestants left, the nine most recently voted off vote on who should win the million dollars.

The final three contestants were Yul Kwon, the son of South Korean immigrants, a competitive water polo player, and a Yale Law School graduate, who came to be known as the godfather or master strategist. Oscar (Ozzy) Lusth, a Mexican-American surfer with Robinson Crusoe-like prowess became known as the warrior; he swims well, knows how to spear fish, and easily scales coconut trees. The third finalist was Becky Lee, also born of South Korean immigrants, and in Queens (as was Yul), a competitive tennis player, and a U. of Pittsburgh Law School Grad. Her actual role? Yul's sidekick?

Which meant that when their peers had to cast a final vote, Yul, the strategist, received five votes. Ozzy, the warrior, received four. Becky, zero. Even I, who wanted to want her to win, wouldn't have voted for her. She not only didn't come across as a leader, she'd been on the island for nearly forty days, and couldn't build a fire.

What's fascinating is that after Yul won he commented that people underestimated Becky's role. She strategized with me; we made decisions together. As a key advisor to Yul, she was the one person he never betrayed. No romantic connection either, just comrades-in-arms. But the roles were clear. He was the general, she the lieutenant.

You know what I am going to say.

Scientific research suggests that women are considered feminine only when they are giving something to someone, be it resources or recognition. Becky was feminine all right, but in this high stakes game, her femininity cost her big. Ozzy, the runner-up, won $100k and a car for being an audience favorite. Yul. He walked away with a million dollars. For Becky, the key advisor? Nada. And, nope, Yul may not share the spoils with her. If he shares, he forfeits.

There are times to hang on to your pom-poms. This wasn’t one of them.

To be clear, relatedness and nurturing are important. If we set aside these traits which are innate to women, we will lose an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But, being able to set and achieve goals, in the workplace, the community, or even on Survivor, is also an important piece of who we are.

So, when it's time, and you'll know...Throw down your pom-poms.

Do we let our girls know we see them as leaders? That we value their kindness and support of others, as well as their initiative and smarts?

What can we do to make it easier for the girls and women in our lives to get in the game?

Stories we love and live by

The destiny of the world is determined less by the battles that are lost and won than by the stories it loves and believes in. Harold Goddard

One of our family’s beloved traditions is bedtime reading. We snuggle with our children, have real conversations with them (they think they are successfully deploying a stall tactic – we know better), say our goodnight prayers, and then we read stories. We have loved reading Come on Rain by Karen Hesse, a picture book which recounts the anticipation, and then the sheer delight, of a young girl and her friends and their mothers, as they revel and romp in the rain on a hot, humid day. Frindle by Andrew Clements left us agog at Nicholas Allen’s ingenuity, amazed at the power of words. And then there is The Princess and the Goblin by George MacDonald. We were deeply touched by the magical grandmother’s gentle mentoring of her princess granddaughter.

One story that I hope to share with my daughter soon is the myth of Psyche. This is a story that I love, a story that I believe in. It is one of the few, according to Jungian psychologists Jean Shinoda Bolen and Robert Johnson, that help us understand the psychology of feminine, rather than masculine, development.

Let’s take a look.

Psyche is a mortal woman who wants to find her estranged husband, Eros, God of Love and son of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, whose jealous fit led to their meeting and falling in love in the first place, holds the key to their being reunited: it often happens that whatever has wounded us is instrumental in our healing.

Aphrodite assigns Psyche four tasks, all of which are symbolic of skills she needs to develop. Note that while each task requires her to do more than she feels capable of, and she is initially paralyzed by fear, they are part of a course that Psyche has chosen.

Task 1: Sort seeds

For the first task, Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Sifting through possibilities and establishing personal priorities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties requires a sorting of the seeds. Sometimes we need to sleep on the problem letting the industrious collective of ants – our subconscious – work things out. As we learn to trust our intuition, clarity will emerge.

Task 2: Acquire golden fleece

Aphrodite next orders Psyche to obtain golden fleece from the rams of the sun, huge aggressive beasts who are in a field, butting against each other. This task also seems impossible, for if Psyche goes amongst the rams, she’ll be trampled. This time, instead of ants coming to her aid, the reeds on the river’s edge call to her, advising her to wait until sundown when the rams disperse so she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles the rams have brushed against.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion. My friend Lori Richards shared these words from Suzanne Brogger:

If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society.

Task 3: Fill the crystal flask

For the third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons.

Psyche’s ability to fill the crystal flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal, avoid the pitfalls that will inevitably come, and to then achieve her goal.

Task 4: Learn to say no

For the fourth and final task, Aphrodite orders Psyche to descend into the underworld and fill a box with the beauty ointment. This task is more than the traditional hero’s test, for Psyche is told she will encounter people on her way who will ask for her help, and she will have to ignore their pleas and continue on.

To set a goal and pursue it in the face of requests for help from others is especially difficult for women whose lives are focused on care giving. In completing the task of saying no, three times, Psyche exercises choice. Many women allow themselves to be imposed on and diverted as they set about their goals. They cannot accomplish what they set out to do, or to determine their life course until they learn to say no. I love these words attributed to Oprah Winfrey:

We can’t ever REALLY say yes, until we learn to say no.

As Psyche completes these four tasks, she grows and develops. Yet, despite ALL she achieves, her basic feminine nature remains unchanged. For she never would have undergone this hero’s journey, risking everything, had it not been for a relationship.

Why do I love this story? Why do I want my daughter to live by it?

Because to become who she is – to accomplish all that she was meant to do – she needs to not only love and nurture and care and connect, she needs to know how to sort through and prioritize her possibilities, to learn when and how to obtain power without selling her soul, to keep her eyes on her prize, and to learn to say no.

As she does so, she will say yes to who she really is.

May we each say YES!

What stories do you love and believe in? What stories encourage you to dream? Tell me more.

Throw down your pom-poms

The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world. Susan B. Anthony

Last week I spoke to a group of teenaged women (ages 13-17) as part of a “go-for-your life-goals” pep rally. As I prepared to pep the girls, I couldn’t help but recall my early days on Wall Street.

I had just started working as a sales assistant at Smith Barney’s 6th Avenue office on the 21st floor, in Manhattan. Near my desk there was what we called a bullpen, where a bunch of newly recruited stockbrokers (who were mostly men) sat and were trying to open a certain number of accounts per week via cold calling and sell a certain dollar amount in stocks.

In this locker room for twenty-something guys, testosterone ran high, and there was intense pressure to meet their quotas. These guys, faced with a lot of hellos followed by the dial tone, inevitably went for the hard-sell. One expression I liked was: “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist….to know that buying this stock makes sense.” Another expression they’d use on waffling male prospects was, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

At the time, I took offense at this turn of phrase. I had been a cheerleader in high school. I had aspired to be a cheerleader. I loved being a cheerleader. It was an important part of my identity in high school. And here they were saying cheerleading didn’t matter.

But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting to say to my daughter and to all women, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

Let me share what I mean.

Some months ago, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review by Anna Fels, a psychiatrist at Cornell University, titled, “Do Women Lack Ambition?” After interviewing dozens of successful women, Dr. Fels observed that when these “women told their own story, they refused to claim a central, purposeful place.”

Were Fels to interview you, how would you tell your story? Are you using language that would suggest you are the supporting actress in your own life? For example, when someone offers words of appreciation about a dinner you have prepared, or a class you’ve taught, or an event you have organized and executed, brilliantly. Do you gracefully say, “thank you.” Or do you say, “You are so sweet. It was nothing really.”

As Fels tried to understand why women refuse to be the heroes of their own stories, she encountered the Bem Sex-Role Inventory which indicated that our society considers a woman to be feminine only within the context of a relationship and if she is giving something to someone, such as recognition. It is no wonder then that a “feminine” woman finds it difficult to get in the game, to demand support to pursue her goals, and feels selfish when she doesn’t subordinate her needs to others.

In high school there was a boy I liked a lot, actually my first true love. I was smart. He was smart. But we were both very relieved to see at the end of the first semester of our sophomore year that he had higher grades than I did.

My freshman year in college there was a young man who I was friendly with. He was not my boyfriend, but nonetheless, I remember feeling relieved when I received a 96 on a test, and he received a 98. Somehow I sensed that if I did better than him, it would upset the equilibrium of our relationship.

More recently, one of my friends who is in her mid-20’s and who just started attending Harvard Business School told me about her study group which consists of four men and two women. All are expected to contribute, and are graded on the quality of their participation in the group. The other woman in the group, who was initially quite involved, began to withdraw after the first two weeks because the men had begun to ostracize her.

Again quoting Fels, “A key type of discrimination that women face is the expectation that feminine women will forfeit opportunities for recognition…When women do speak as much as men in a work situation or compete for high-visibility positions, their femininity is assailed.”

By the way, when I was 8, I had no trouble at all going to competing with Scott McAdams on multiplication drills. He and I were continually vying for the title of fastest and smartest – Oh, I took great pride in beating him.

The point of my musings is not to say that relatedness and nurturing and cheering others on aren’t important. I absolutely 100% believe these qualities are innate in women – and if we set them aside, we will have lost an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But contrary to what others may suggest, “getting in the game” is also a part of who we are. When we recognize this, we give ourselves permission to dream, to move ourselves to the center of our life story, and to encourage the girls and women around us to do the same.

One of my readers recently shared with me the story of two women who have gotten in the game. Eden Jarrin and Heidi Baker are confident in their ability to create a better living space and want other women Do-it-yourselfers (DIYers) to feel equally confident. Thank you for sharing the link to their website www.bejane.com. Eden and Heidi -- Atta girls!

Get in your Game.

Rachel vs. Leah: Reclaiming our power to dream

“Life began for me when I ceased to admire and began to remember.” Willa Cather

Several years ago I read Orson Scott Card’s book Rachel and Leah. In Card’s retelling of the story of these two sisters, I began to wonder what it would have been like to be Rachel, the favored one. But as I continued reading, I found myself wondering more often what it would be like to be Leah? In the story, Rachel, the younger and more beautiful sister vies for and wins the heart of Jacob. Because ancient custom required the elder sister marry first, Jacob pays the price of marrying Leah (who also loves Jacob) in order to marry Rachel.

The more I thought about this story, the more I realized that Rachel and Leah are archetypes for women today. Do we as women believe we are Rachel, the favored one, the one who gets to dream and see those dreams come true, or do we more often believe we are Leah, the sister who must settle for whatever is handed to her by circumstance or chance. Unfortunately, I think most of us see ourselves as Leah, and this attitude of acquiescence I have dubbed “the Leah complex.”

Even more interesting to me was the notion that, as young girls, most of us would have aligned ourselves with Rachel – we absolutely believed in our dreams and our power to achieve them - but, over time, we come to believe that we are Leah.

Perhaps we stopped believing in our power to dream because our parents sent us the message that we were just shy of the perfection they were seeking for us. Maybe we dated or even married someone who needed us to support his dreams instead of our own. Or maybe we began to believe the pervasive message of the media – whose job is to get us to buy stuff – that if we just bought one more thing, whether a doll, a new pair of shoes or breasts, then we would could go after what we wanted.

As I grew up this belief began to play out in all aspects of my life. And, in retrospect I am surprised that it did as I reflect on something a family friend, Mr. Leetham, whom I greatly admired said to me when I was about eight -- “Whitney, you are going to be a heartbreaker when you get older.” I relished these words: and I believed him.

But you know what? I wasn’t a heartbreaker.

All through high school there was a boy that I liked – an unrequited love. You could fairly accurately predict whom this boy would like next, because in the months prior, his soon-to-be girlfriend would have become one of my best friends. Oh yes, and in an especially cruel turn of fate, in 9th grade, his best friend liked me. While it is no longer relevant whether this boy did or did not like me it does matter that I didn’t believe he ever would or even could. The other side of this Leah coin is that when a wonderful young boy did like me, one who took me on my first date, I couldn’t like him back. Because as Leah, I couldn’t believe that I had the power to make my dreams come true.

When I was eight, I was Rachel, but by 8th grade, I was Leah. My ei