dare to dream

Living the dream. Life's a breeze. Not.

During a particularly challenging week at work, I happened upon an article by Robert S. Kaplan titled Reaching your Potential which offered up the teaser, "maybe you feel frustrated with your career--convinced you should be achieving more. You may even wish you had chosen a different career altogether."

I was definitely frustrated, and even discouraged, but did I wish I had chosen a different path?

Not really.

As I reflected on Kaplan's article, I realized that I'm right where I want to be.

In sharing this insight with one of my friends, she kindly, but pointedly asked,

"Did you really think that living your dream isn't challenging, discouraging, and difficult?"

To which I sheepishly replied, "No."

The truth is there's a pretty large shred of me which believes that in living my dream, life will be breezy.

This isn't, and can't be, true -- am I the only one who wants it to be?

Do you remember Psyche's 3rd task?

The task that requires her to fill a flask with water from a raging river alongside a craggy cliff, a task which is a metaphor for our learning to accomplish goals against inevitable distractions and tough odds.

This image is copyrighted by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008.

Would it be accurate to say that Psyche didn't choose to be on the hero's journey? That she wasn't precisely where she wanted and needed to be? That she didn't want to accomplish her goal?

No, no and no.

But it was difficult.

It is for us too.

After one of your tough days, do you find yourself wondering if you really are living your dream? If you're not -- then that is another conversation. If you are, do you ask why things aren't easier? Why do you think we believe this?

Did you notice how Psyche delegated the task of filling the flask to the eagle? As we are dreaming, whether our dream involves full-time mothering, full-time careering, or some amalgam of the two, what tasks can we delegate?

If you were to interview dare to dreamgirl Dana King, who recently started designHop clubs, and has been featured in St. Louis Magazine, will she tell you she is happily living out her dream? Absolutely. Will she tell you it's easy? I'll let you ask her.

Or if you were to interview Rebecca Nielsen, the mother of young twin daughters, who recently wrote about Rightsizing our dream, what will she say? Easy? Hard? Both?

Related posts:
The Myth of Psyche
Psyche's 3rd Task
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
dare to dreamgirl: Dana King
Rightsizing our dream: Rebecca Nielsen

HBR's 'How Star Women Build Portable Skills'

In the 'What is your dream?' questionnaire, one of the questions posed is -- What is the biggest challenge (personal or professional) I've overcome?  Who would I be had I not surmounted this?

Because one of my most daunting professional challenges was working on Wall Street, I was intrigued when my friend Stacey Petrey referred me to Professor Boris Groysberg's article 'How Star Women Build Portable Skills', a study which states that women are generally more successful than men in moving from one job to another because of the portability of our skills.

Groysberg states "women have learned how to build external networks of clients, associates, and other professionals outside the organizations - that remain intact when they depart...Not because women set out to do this, but because they [women] are often marginalized and have to fight institutional barriers, so they build external networks out of necessity."

I found Professor Groysberg's case study so affirming that I sent him an e-mail telling him -- yes, I really am trying to walk my talk of getting in the game).  This contact serendipitously led to an interview by Rob Weisman at the Boston Globe for his article on Groysberg's findings.

 

Can you relate to this as much as I can?   

You're trying to figure out how to get something important done, whether personally or professionally, and it's just not happening.

So you get creative -- you buck convention -- and you get it done (whether at work, in the community, your children's school), and in the process you find you've developed one of your greatest strengths.

What is that strength?

After you read Groysberg's case study, and Weisman's article, what would you add?

What thing have you tried to get done for which traditional channels were blocked, so you created a workaround solution?  What 'portable skills' did you acquire in the process?

Would you agree that there are parallels to Psyche's 2nd Task of gathering the fleece?

Have any of you read Clayton Christensen's The Innovator's Solution?  Isn't it true that as we are trying to get something done, we are in effect the innovator vs. the incumbent?

Related posts:
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
Rachel vs. Leah:  Reclaiming our power to dream
Book I Like:  There's a Business in Everywoman
What if Madeleine L'Engle hadn't dared to dream?
Valuing what women do

Learning to 'Let it Be'

I was so disappointed by Brooke White's performance last night on American Idol.

After her amazing rendition of 'Let it Be' in early March, she's gone on to have two pretty bad weeks.

Contrast Brooke to David Cook.  After he was roundly criticized by the judges, David went right on picking the right song, the right arrangement.

Why is Brooke, in my opinion, having difficulty?

Because she's giving her power away to the judges.

In the article Do Women Lack Ambition?, Cornell psychologist Anna Fels writes that our cultural ideals of femininity do not include women asking for resources, whether those resources involve time, money, praise.

Until last night, I hadn't considered the possibility that power was a resource.

Yet in trusting the judges more than herself, Brooke has given away her power.

And David Cook hasn't.

Men generally don't.

They listen -- Yes -- but they also seem to do a better job of trusting themselves.

We can learn from them.

Because when we do trust ourselves, we move to the center of our story, becoming the hero....

Like Brooke did when she sang Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

P.S.  If you want to read some great commentary by vocal coach Macy Robison on each week's American Idol, click here.

Related posts:
Asking for what we want
NY Times:  For Girls, It's Be Yourself...
Why we love American Idol
Doolittle's Leah leave the building
Finding our reality in Reality TV

Asking and answering the big questions

I recently attended the last day of Professor Clayton Christensen's fall semester class at Harvard Business School.

In his final minutes with eighty of the world's best and brightest 25-35 year-olds, there was so much that Professor Christensen could have used his bully pulpit to say. Interestingly he chose to focus not on building and sustaining a successful enterprise, as he had done all semester, but rather on building and sustaining a happy life.

Paraphrasing Dr. Christensen's remarks, "In just a few months you will graduate from Harvard Business School, and embark on what to many, including yourselves, will be prestigious, lucrative, high profile careers. But if you want to also have happy lives, you need to know the purpose of your life."

Photo courtesy of Jorge Antonio, istockphoto

He concluded class by encouraging the students to take the time, even if it's between 11 and 12 each night, as he did some thirty years ago, while he himself was in graduate school, to figure out their 'who they are', and 'what they are meant to do.'

There was a tear or two.

In Howard Gardner's groundbreaking theory on multiple intelligences, he outlines eight different type of intelligences. The first two, logical-mathematical and linguistic, aptitudes most valued by our society, are no doubt strengths of HBS students.

But what of kinesthetic, interpersonal, musical, naturalist, spatial, perhaps most importantly, existential intelligence -- to make meaning of our life -- the intelligence to which I believe Dr. Christensen was referring?

Many of us do not have graduate degrees, including myself. Even fewer have degrees from an Ivy League school.

Which is why I found Dr. Christensen's words so encouraging.

Because to be existentially intelligent, even credentialed, we don't need a degree, we just need to know how to ask and answer the really big questions, like -- what's our story meant to be? How do we become the hero of our story? The hero of support in others' stories?

Which intelligences do you possess?

Have you ever considered yourself existentially intelligent?

What is your story meant to be?

Will you resolve to be the hero of your story?

And the hero of support in others' stories?

Related posts:

Seeing with new eyes
Play to your strengths
What we can learn from TLC's 'I've Got Nothing to Wear'
What I learned about seeing from my glasses
Rock climbing and rethinking our competence

Looking back can be a good thing

There was a detail about rock climbing that I purposely omitted.

What detail you ask?

Well.... I stopped climbing a few feet short of the summit.

If I listen closely, I can hear you thinking "Whitney, you were so close. It was within your grasp. Why didn't you go for it?"

At least I think I hear you thinking this, because I have a tendency to think it.

But on that day of rock climbing, I opted (with encouragement from my belayer/mentor Laurel) to look down rather than up.

Back, not forward; to be proud of what I had accomplished, rather than what I hadn't.

Just days before, I'd had another opportunity to look back.

We were in the Hamptons visiting one of my oldest and dearest friends, Liz, her husband David, and their children.

They first invited us out when their Alexander, and our David, had just turned two; their second child, Nicholas, was a newborn.

I have two vivid memories of that visit.

One was of Liz and I sitting in the living room talking while she rocked Nicholas to sleep. The other is of me speaking to clients on the way there, while there, and checking my e-mail constantly. Did I mention we were there for only 24 hours?

As you can see from the photo below, Nicholas is now 9, David and Alexander are 11, Eleni and Miranda are seven.

The children growing up was inevitable.

But what of my growth?

Ten years ago, I was busy, so very busy, climbing, climbing, to where I was going.

This summer I was also busy, busy enjoying, relishing, savoring who we were with, where we were.

Email and phone messages? Not a one in three days.

The Hamptons may be near the seashore, and nowhere near the mountains, but as I looked back at who I was, comparing it with who I'm becoming, it seemed I'd reached a summit.

Said Nelson Mandela, "There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

When was the last time that you looked back, not ahead? Down, not up?

What was the context? Who were you with? Where were you?

Was this glimpse of yourself a gift -- a well-deserved one along your hero's journey?

Rachel, Leah and "So You Think You Can Dance"

Pop Quiz:

What percentage of dance students throughout the world are girls?

I'm going to guess 9 out of 10, or 90%.

How many of the teachers from L.A.'s inner-city schools that attended the So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD) workshop were women?

I'm estimating 7 out of 10, or 70%.

How many of the SYTYCD choreographers this season were women?

Roughly 4 out of 19, about 20%.

Of the eight choreographers invited to choose their favorite dance, how many were women?

1 in 8, or 12.5%.

Which of the dances did the judges regard as the most profoundly moving?

A dance choreographed by one of the women, Mia Michaels.

Some of you may say, Wake up Whitney, it's a man's world. Women would like to choreograph, to have a say within their professional community, but they just can't break in.

But, but, but... we're not talking about technology, we're talking about dance, a field in which women are trained to dance, to choreograph, to critique.

So I only buy part of this argument.

If we have a gift for and love to do something, and we don't pursue that something, don't we bear some responsibility for our not breaking in, breaking through, for allowing our Leah to remain in the building?

Choosing to be Rachel is not easy, at least not for me. I seem to ask Leah to leave nearly every day.

But when you and I make the choice to move away from Leah toward Rachel, just think of what we can do, what we can create, of the stories we will tell.

Stories like those told by Mia Michaels.

What do you have a gift for, that you love to do, that you aren't pursuing?

Why?

Do you really not want to, or is society telling you not to?

Is your dream off-the-rack? Or tailor-made?

You have to be careful who you let define your good. Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999, US science fiction author

Source: A. Bel Studio

Have you ever had the experience of going clothes shopping, and trying on one, two, even ten pieces of clothing that looked great on the rack, but terrible on you?

I have.

Did any of the following then cross your mind?

1. (On a good day) It's no wonder TLC's What Not To Wear is so popular -- women really do have trouble finding something to wear;

2. (Ok day) I think I'll stick with buying shoes or jewelry -- they usually fit;

3. (Not so good day) I'll dress my daughter instead of myself. She's two -- clothes still look good on her;

4. (Bad day -- disconsolate, having dissolved into tears) Something must be wrong with me, not just my body, but with me. Otherwise, these clothes would fit, and they would look good.

Yup, me too.

Which is why, when I needed something to wear for a black tie event, for the first time in my life, I had a dress made.

It was a liberating experience.

I chose fabric that matched my skin tone, hair, personality.

I selected a pattern that would look good on my body.

But most lovely of all was the moment when the seamstress (who I found on craig's list) sized the skirt of the dress to me.

My waist. My body. My measurements.

It wasn't about my fitting into the dress, but about the dress fitting me.

Other women seem to feel as I do; the most popular site on sk*rt (by far) is one whose heading reads "Find Jeans that Fit (No really!)"

So here are my questions:

Are we pursuing our dream, a tailor-made dream, or what we think should be our dream, and in effect buying our life off the rack?

Instead of asking do I measure up to this dream, are we asking -- does it measure up to me, and my strengths? Does it fit me?

And just to get into practice, if you see a blouse, or pair of pants that you love, and they don't quite fit, buy the piece in a size too big and have it altered!

What we can learn from TLC's "I've Got Nothing to Wear"

We carry with us the wonders we seek without us. Sir Thomas Browne

Dream, dream, I want to dare, I want to dream, but how?

Good question, and TLC's I've Got Nothing to Wear offers some suggestions...

Figuratively, not literally, so stay with me.

In this six-part summer series, a professional stylist assigns the guest's clothing to one of two categories: salvageable and non-salvageable. The non-salvageables are sent to the "chop shop" where three designers have been assigned to cull, rip, redesign, and resew these items into fresh, fashionable pieces (e.g. an outdated pair of slacks might become an evening gown). In the meantime, the stylist shops with the guest for 4-5 classic items to complement the salvaged clothing. When the stylist creates a "look book" which shows the student how to mix and match the salvaged clothes, the newly-purchased classics, and the revamped pieces, the wardrobe refashion is complete.

I'm not suggesting that each of us begin to personally redesign our clothing, though NikiShell's Wardrobe Refashion, as noted above, can help you do precisely that, but rather to propose that the premise of "I've Got Nothing to Wear" can help us think through what tools may be available to us as we dream.

Salvaged clothing, or clothing that is wearable today -- This is a metaphor for our strengths. Just as the stylist helps identify clothing which works, we may need a see-er of our strengths until we see them. Howard Gardner and Laura Morgan Roberts' work are great resources.

What are your strengths? What about you is magnificent that you don't see, but others do?

Newly-bought classic items -- Think new skills and competencies. Just as the student's wardrobe needs a few new classic pieces, we may need to acquire a new skill to achieve our dream.

What skill can you learn in a matter of days, maybe even hours, that would move you closer to your dream?

Revamped or refashioned clothing -- Consider the importance of repurposing strengths that once "fit and were in style" and no longer are. Just as each of us have clothes that we love, possibly inherited from our grandmother or mother that no longer fit us or who we are, we also have strengths, ones that may have even gotten us through tough times, that no longer serve us.

What skills or competencies no longer fit? If you sent them to the chop-shop for a repurpose, what fabulous new something about your self might you discover?

iPhone inDifference

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. Albert Einstein

My husband: One of the organizing magazines should do an entire issue on the iPhone.

Me: Really?

My husband: The iPhone is perfect for organizing your life -- phone, music, maps, calendar all in one place.

Me: Neat...(moving on to the next topic...and my perfectly adequate Blackberry)...Honey, have you seen my phone anywhere?

Perhaps my way of thinking is one in a million, but unlikely.

Question: how many women do you see waiting in line for the iPhone? Exactly.

Source: iPhone waiting line, Burlington MA -- Mark Kriegsman on Flickr

You may be asking -- does it really matter if you and I have little to no interest in the iPhone?

In the iPhone specifically? Probably not.

But technology generally? I think it does.

If we haven't any interest in, or grasp of technology, no matter how masterfully we do the 'woman thing' as Tom Peters describes our innate competencies, it will be more difficult for us to accomplish our dream.

So, with the myth of Psyche as a backdrop, let me ask you a question:

Is there something that you've been trying to accomplish that would be easier, faster, less frustrating if you understood technology even a baby step better?

Learning to include images on my blog is a perfect example.

I was reluctant because I didn't know how, and didn't really want to know how. However, as I realized that images could help me better encourage you to dream (beause this is one of my dreams), I finally decided, ok -- I'm going to learn.

And I have. And what a sense of accomplishment I feel.

What technology-related skill can you learn quickly (less than 1/2 an hour) that will help your dream take flight?

1. Do you find articles on line that you like, and want to save them, but don't know how or where to keep them without printing them out, or e-mailing them to yourself? Why not taste del.icio.us.

2. Maybe you love photography, and want to have somewhere to post and share your photos, why not take a look at Flickr.

3. Perhaps you have handmade goods that you'd like to sell, but don't have a marketplace for them. Try Etsy.

4. Or maybe you want to find your voice and/or feel you have something to say, and eventually want to write a book. Why not break up your writing into bite-sized pieces with a blog; Andy Wibbels' Blogwild! was helpful in getting me started.

Do you agree or possibly disagree with my basic premise? Maybe you love the iPhone and technology. In which case, would you consider logical/mathematical intelligence to be one of your strengths?

Has there been a technology-related skill that you learned recently that has moved you closer to your dream?

If you know you need this type of skill, and don't know where to start, post a comment, and tell us what it is. Maybe someone here knows how to, or can at least point you in the right direction.

Making a place for your dream

You must have a room or a...place where...you can bring forth what you are...and what you may be. Joseph Campbell

Photo courtesy of Natasha Layne Brien

It's been nearly eight months since I started working with Clayton Christensen on his hedge fund, but not until today had I allowed myself to believe that it will really happen.

The feeling came on suddenly, surprisingly.

And it wasn't because we'd agreed upon my compensation (we already had), or because an institutional investor expressed interest (which they did).

Are you ready?

It was because we'd found office space.

And in so doing, the fund moved from something conceptual, even abstract, to something real because now we have a physical space, a little (very little) corner of the world whose sole purpose is to facilitate the launching of this fund -- and one of my dreams.

Which got me to thinking about the special places I went to as a young girl, whether to sew, to play the piano, to read, or to ice skate....as well as the places I go to (my home office!) to dream today.

And most especially I began to wonder...

Do you have a place where you can go to dream? To bring forth who you are -- and who you may become?

P.S. Thanks to Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance for leading me to the Joseph Campbell quote several years ago.

Valuing what women do

It was several years ago, but it seems like yesterday.

About a month before Merrill Lynch management was to decide on bonuses, my boss reviewed my various performance metrics, including, among others: did my stock calls make money for our clients, were the clients happy with my service. When he got to the metric "# of phone calls and/or meetings with clients", a number which was 40% higher than the average, he said:

“That's great, but isn't the number of client contacts high because it's fun for you?" The implication being: "I don't know that I need to compensate you for your client interactions (even though it helped drive revenue for the firm) because you're a woman -- and women like to talk on the phone and socialize."

Source: JIFormales, Flickr

With nearly three years of hindsight, here's what I wish I would have said:

“John (that's not his real name), I do like what I do. Correction. I love what I do. I love servicing our clients, and in many instances, I am genuinely fond of them. Aren't you glad that what I "love to do" generates revenue for the firm? Now, let's talk about bonuses for this year..."

In fairness to "John", his attitude is widespread and pervasive. And not just among men.

Let me illustrate by asking you the following two questions:

When you stay at a hotel, how much on average do you tip the bellmen/valets?

How much, on average, do you tip housekeeping?

Said another way, do you pay a lot more to the people (usually men) carrying the luggage that you don't need carried, opening the door you don't need opened, and retrieving the car you could get yourself, than you do to the people (usually women) who clean your room, something that you very much want to be done, and don't want to do yourself?

Now for a "not walking the talk, mea culpa" story:

When I was in Mexico last month, after the bellman hoisted my suitcase (which I could have lifted myself) into the back of a cab, I apologized (apologized!) because I didn’t have any cash on hand for a tip. Just hours before, as a housekeeper put the finishing touches on my room, I thought “I don’t need to pay her; she likes doing what she’s doing."

She likes to make my bed, pick up my towels?

That's not what I said last summer when the person cleaning our family's cruise ship cabin was a man.

We tipped him well, very well.

Hmmm.

Here's my take:

Because nurturing and caring for others tends to be a strong suit for women (I would argue it's innate), when a women gives/helps/mentors, we easily slip into a mindset of "she's doing this because she likes to, and therefore doesn't need to be compensated".

What's sad is... when she (we) aren't compensated for our work, we wonder -- did I not do good work? I'll try and do better next time. Worse yet, do we think -- is what I'm doing not important? Does what I know how to do not matter to society? If it doesn't matter to society, should it matter to me?

And what's especially sad is that when we're in this dump of a place, even a double-dog dare may not be enough to get us to dream.

So, let's change. Not a chump change. Or a small change.

But a big change.

A big wad of cash change.

Some suggestions:

1) The next time one of us goes to a hotel, let's leave a tip for housekeeping. It will be hard. Let's do it anyway.

2) When one of our female friends (or not) offers to provide us with a service – like cutting our hair – and she wants to undercharge, or do it for free, let's tell her we are going to pay market because we value her skill, her work and her time. Note: If money is an issue in the short-term, what about a barter arrangement?

3) Finally, when a woman renders a service, before deciding whether to pay, or how much to pay, let's ask ourselves: If a man were to provide this service to me, would I expect to pay him? If so, how much would I pay?

I'm ready for a big wad of cash change -- how about you?

Morning sickness metaphor

Have you ever wondered why we get morning sickness when we're pregnant?

Lots of theories, and no conclusions make my friend Sally's theory all the more intriguing. As the fetus starts to grow, Sally has suggested that our body issues an "intruder" alert, and begins to attack, just as the body does with germs, viruses, even organ transplants: morning sickness is a casualty of war.

Those of you with a scientific bent may be cringing, but stay with me.

As I've visited with a number of executives this week, people with whom I dealt while working on Wall Street, I've wondered -- is it possible that morning sickness is a metaphor for what we undergo pscyhologically/emotionally when we dare to dream?

Let me explain.

When I was last here in Mexico City, I was Whitney Johnson, Merrill Lynch equity analyst, a woman who, with an upgrade or downgrade of their company's stock, could affect these executives' net worth. Naturally it was in their best interest to be nice to me.

Today -- two years later -- as I visit with these same executives, I have set my former identity and attendant power aside.

What is my identity now? What do I do in this new role? Will I be received?

To be clear, I made this choice. I freely dared to dream, to find a new piece of my self. It is unnerving, discombobulating, and pit-in-the-stomach-ing, nonetheless.

Which is precisely why I find morning sickness as a metaphor for dare-to-dream so compelling. Morning sickness can be almost unendurable for a time. However, as we cradle our newborn baby, the months of sickness seem but a small price to pay for the miracle of bringing a child into the world.

Isn't this what happens, admittedly on a smaller scale, when we dare to dream?

As we set out to discover a new piece of ourselves, we may feel that we are losing something in the process, and it is profoundly discomfiting, even nauseating. But once we've found that new piece, becoming more of who we are, it has indeed been a small price to pay.

As you are undertaking something new, do you find yourself uncomfortable, unnerved, sick to your stomach at times?

When you make room for a new piece of yourself, do you feel diminished or more of who you are?

Systergy and our strengths

If you are ready to be the hero of your story by playing to your strengths, click here for a step-by-step approach.

However, I must warn you. It won't be quite as simple as you'd like. As part of the exercise you will need to ask others to share with you what they think your strengths are.

You may be ready to do this right now, you may not.

Regardless, why not practice a little systergy and outline the strengths of someone else?

On a milestone birthday, for instance.

And just to make giving this gift easier, here's what you could say to each of the guests once they've RSVP'd:

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The only true gift is a portion of thyself.”

So, for [Cynthia's] 40th birthday, we’d like to collectively give her a gift of each of ourselves. For this gift, we envision that we will share with Cynthia what we love about her.

Several years ago, the Harvard Business School published a case study entitled “How to Play to your Strengths” by Laura Morgan Roberts, et al. The thesis of this paper is that we can best contribute to our family and world by developing our gifts and leveraging our natural skills rather than by trying to repair our weaknesses.

The first step in identifying our natural skills and gifts is to ask friends, family, and colleagues for feedback.

For many, if not all, this exercise quickly becomes a double bind because while we probably want more than anything to hear what is wonderful about us, we are loath to ask. That is why this will be such a wonderful gift.

Here’s the template we’d like you to use:

1. Cynthia, one of the wonderful things about you (or ways you add value OR make the world a better place OR make my life happier OR make me happy you were born) is (provide an example).
2. Cynthia, another wonderful thing about you is (provide an example).
3. Cynthia, a third wonderful thing is (provide an example).

The bottom line is, what do you see as being magnificent or wonderful about Cynthia. We are looking to you to identify things that you see that she may not (the what), and then explain them (the why).

So that we have time to compile all of the tributes, will you e-mail your tribute to me by XXXX date?

Thank you taking the time to write this – I have no doubt that this gift -- from our selves to Cynthia’s self -- will be a gift that she will treasure for many years to come.

You may be wondering -- has Whitney done this?

The answer is -- yes.

And it was pure joy.

Do you have a friend that is approaching a milestone birthday?

Is this something that you'd like to do for her?

Is it something that you'd like to do for yourself -- because you are ready to dream?

Play to your strengths

Pop Quiz:

If one of your children came home from school with a report card that said:

Math A
Geography A+
Social Science A
English C
French A

What would you think?

What would you say?

During a presentation titled Women at their Best: Authentically Engaging Strengths for Maximal Contributions, Professor Laura Morgan Roberts of Harvard Business School, indicated that we will perfunctorily say "Good job" in Math, Social Science, English, and French, but spend far more time trying to understand why the C in English, and formulating a plan for improvement.

In her words, "we will only see the C".

Is this true for you?

It certainly is for me.

Dr. Roberts expounds by saying that for every negative thing we say, we need to say three positive things to offset or cancel out the negative; within a marriage (I suspect with our children as well), the ratio increases from 3:1 to 5:1.

Just one example.

I still remember my first day of 8th grade at a new school in Almaden, California -- we were in the band room -- when Mark Weber saw me looking at him, and he said to me, "What are you looking at ugly?"

It's now been more than 30 years, and I have been told many times, by my husband in particular, that I am attractive. Do I remember any details surrounding the compliments? Nope. Not a one. But the memory of Mark Weber remains vivid.

And so the question:

How can we be the hero of our story, really making a difference for ourselves, in our families, communities, workplace, the world, if all we remember are our deficits? We can't.

BUT, Dr. Roberts asserts, if we will play to our strengths, we can.

She defines strengths as:

1. Our innate talents;
2. The competencies we've developed;
3. What we believe (our principles);
4. Our identities (gender, race, ethnicity, religion).

When we know what our strengths are, we have a better sense of self, we're more secure, more likely to validate and encourage others.

When we play to our strengths, we will become the hero of our story, and encourage others be the hero of theirs.

Playing small doesn't serve the world, said Martin Luther King, Jr.

Well then, let's play big.

What are your innate talents?

What are your competencies? In other words, what have you become good at because you've spent a lot of time doing it?

What do you believe? What have you been willing to stand up and be counted for?

What is your gender, race or religion -- and how have these pieces of who you are shaped you?

Mothering matters

"I don't like you mom. You're terrible!", my 10 year-old son blurted out when I told him to turn off the TV.

Well David, I thought wryly, given that I was trying to write about how wonderful mothering is, sometimes I don't like being a mom. Because not only is it hard, our society says it values mothering, but it really doesn't.

In fact, some of you may remember when I said women in the U.S. are pampered and affirmed.... Well, stay-at-home moms, aren't even affirmed. Not really. No wonder they struggle to get to the daring and dreaming.

Let me give you an example.

My friend Jane Clayson Johnson shares in her book I Am a Mother that when she set aside a high-powered career in television journalism to focus on her children, she wasn't particularly surprised when colleagues asked her "Are you going to be just a mom?"

But Jane was surprised when women who had successfully reared four, five, even eight children, would introduce themselves by saying "I'm just a mother." It was the self-deprecation, in particular, that impelled Jane to put pen to paper. She wanted to affirm mothers, to encourage herself and each of us to declare "I am a Mother".

I'd like to to add my voice to hers -- mothering does matter. Mothering in the broadest sense -- nurturing, encouraging, wiping away a tear; being a hero of support, a safe harbor. And it matters, not just because our children and society need our encouragement, but because -- as women -- nurturing and connectedness are part of who we are.

Now, you may be wondering -- is David still mad at me?

He's not. Before he went to bed, he said, "Mom, sometimes you are kind of hard on me, but I do love you."

Well David -- sometimes being a mother is kind of hard -- but I always love being your mother!

The hero's journey and accountability

Just last week, my 10 year-old son David participated in his school's science fair.

As I listened to him explain his "how salt affects water freezing" findings to the mother of one of his classmates, I had one of those moments that parents get every once in awhile, which was: "My child really IS going to know things and do things and be things that will amaze me."

Imagine my surprise the next day when I learned that David had only gotten a 79 on his project.

He was surprised too.

So surprised, and angry, and hurt, that he had a really bad day. It didn't matter that he would have gotten a 92 had he included a bibliography, and finished various intermediate assignments on time; the headline number was 79.

David was so devastated that my husband and I had some decisions to make.

Validating his feelings (angry, sad, frustrated) was a no-brainer. But beyond that, what would the party line be? Were we going to say the teachers hadn't been fair because the strengths of the report mitigated the weaknesses? And what of going to school the next day? He wanted to stay home. Should we let him?

Or did we simply need to say -- we know you're sad, we love you, we know it's hard, but "Johnson's don't give up"?

As we lived through what felt like a pivotal twenty-four hours in our son's life, or at least in our lives as parents, I wondered -- are the children in our society not dreaming and doing because, even as we tell them how capable they are, we don't require accountability?

Meaning, because we don't require accountability, aren't we really saying they aren't capable? Because if we really believed they could pick themselves up when they are down, we wouldn't swoop in. And as we bail our children out, when they are alone, rather than telling themselves -- I can succeed on my hero's journey, I have a contribution to make -- are they instead saying -- I can't succeed, because even my own parents don't think I can?

What's interesting about our family's science fair saga is that many would call me a pushover parent (my kids included), but that day, I wasn't. I was clear, absolutely, certainly clear that just as we couldn't take the accountability for his grade away from him, we couldn't let him stay home.

And so after pep talks from both my husband and I about getting back on the horse -- and a small little bribe of -- we can buy a donut on the way to school -- he willingly went. Happily, during the course of the day, his sadness, and discouragement melted way.

I will confess that I am not one for whom parenting comes easily; it seems to for some. And yet I somehow felt that in requiring accountability of our son when he so desperately wanted to be let off the hook, we had parented well.

And, perhaps more importantly, it seemed that our son may now be just a little bit more capable of succeeding on his hero's journey -- not because we said so -- but because he knows so.

Have you recently required accountability of your children or of those over whom you had responsibility? Was it difficult? Why? Why not?

Do you agree with my hypothesis, that we can't really affirm unless we also require accountability?

Do you find that it's easier with some of your charges than others to hold them accountable? (I do -- the more alike me my child is, the more difficult).

An Australian storyteller

In response to my prior entry Storytellers wanted, Matt Langdon, shared with me an article by the Australian journalist, Anne Summers.

Link: Time to make the shoe fit - Opinion - theage.com.au.

In addition to her making the point that there are relatively few women in politics (as in the media), I was riveted by her comment that "we trivialize women in the public eye, obsessing over their appearance."

How many times have I asked one of my female friends, "what are you going to wear?" It would never occur me to ask a man that.

More importantly, does my mindset play out in my behavior toward young girls, and what can I do to change?

Maybe the next time my daughter wants to dress how she wants to dress (which is everyday), and not allow me to doll her up (I love smocked dresses), I can remember Anne Summers' comment, and keep my mouth shut -- and not even be wistful.

Yes, her clothes need to be clean, and yes I want her to be modest (read: wear clothes that allow us to focus on her, her personality, not her body). But beyond that -- does it matter? I certainly don't obsess over my son's appearance. And maybe that's what my 6-year old daughter is really trying to convey:

"Mom, don't obsess about my appearance. I'm a person just like my brother, not an object -- a person who thinks, who matters, who has something to contribute to the world, not because of how I look, but because of who I am."

The big question is -- if I can begin to focus on her and not her appearance, will she and all our daughters need to rethink their competence as they get older, or will they just already know they're competent?

And if that can be true, Leah will never have to leave the building.

Because she never entered.

Identity Crisis

You have learned something. That always feels at first as if you had lost something. H.G. Wells

More than once when I have wanted one of my girlfriends to go somewhere with me or do something, I have cavalierly said, “just get a babysitter” or “why can’t your husband watch them for a few hours?” or “one of your friends has asked you repeatedly to let her watch your children, why not take her up on it?”

And when my friends didn’t give in to my pleading and leave their children with a sitter for an hour or two, I just couldn’t understand why they hadn’t. It seemed so simple, so straightforward, especially when we could both readily cite the laundry list of quotations as to why they should “take time for yourself, you’ll feel better, ready to face the world.”

But even with ample opportunity to get away for a few hours they didn’t do it. And I just haven’t understood this – at all.

Until last week.

On Monday afternoon I received a call from the BBC based in Washington D.C. As the director of public relations for The Church of Jesus Christ (aka Mormons) in Greater Boston, when reporters call and want to meet with members of my church, it’s my job to make that happen. And with the former governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney, expected to become a candidate for president of the United States, there’s a lot of curiosity about my faith right now.

So the BBC called on Monday, and they wanted to do their interviews on Wednesday. Ordinarily I would have liaised with the BBC, arranging for the interviews, and we’d be done. But I had to go out of town and so I couldn’t set up the appointments – and I needed to delegate that responsibility.

Surprisingly, I found this really difficult to do. As I analyzed why I was so disconcerted by delegating this job to someone else, I found myself feeling guilty and concerned about imposing on my committee member – after all she’s busy too.

But then I realized that what I was really feeling was Fear.

Fear that in not doing “my job”, my identity would rub away.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean.

Each of us has an identity, probably several, a way of defining who we are -- daughter, sister, mother, wife, doctor, investment professional, etc. Though I think each of us has many identities, we usually have a primary identity which tends to be related to whatever we spend most of our time doing. For me, because much of my last fifteen years has been related to my career, my identity is centered on myself as a worker, a gal who goes out gets stuff done. When I get stuff done in the community or workplace I shore up my identity. In turn, when I delegate or give away those "tasks to be done", I perceive that I am weakening that identity. (Oh, bounty – wherefore art thou?)

The paradox of this is that unless I am willing to let go of some of my can-do identity, there isn’t room for me to develop other pieces of myself, like the mothering piece that I wanted to develop (and is part of why I left my gig on Wall Street).

Is this what happens with each us?

If it is, and I believe that it is, as I encourage you to dream, I really am daring you--maybe even double dog daring you to dream. Because for you to find another piece of who you are, you have to rearrange the furniture in your mind and heart to make room for the new piece, possibly discarding a little bit of who you think you are right now. Which, because of the fear, can be tough.

And so with this blog, dated January 22, 2007, I promise that I will be supportive, gently encouraging you – even as I dare you – to become more of who you are …

In the meantime, how about I do some more delegating, you go get a babysitter, and let’s get to dreaming!

Is there a something that you have wanted to do recently, if only for a few hours, that you just wouldn’t let yourself do?

Can you jot down a few of the reasons why you wouldn’t you let yourself do it?

If you find yourself repeatedly wanting to do this thing, will you promise yourself to do it next time – knowing full well that you will be just a little bit uncomfortable?

After a few days, do you still feel uncomfortable, or just a little bit happier?

Remember when you are learning something, it may feel at first as if you’ve lost something!

A space for women's voices

People used to look out on the playground and say that the boys were playing soccer and the girls were doing nothing…But the girls weren’t doing nothing—they were talking. They were talking about the world to one another. And they became very expert about that in a way the boys did not. Carol Gilligan, from In a Different Voice

After reading Tell your story, my friend Aaron asked me, “Is it your intention to always compose your blogs using females as examples?”

It is Aaron, and here’s why:

One of the best ways of finding our voice is to listen to those who have found theirs. Because so many women, even successful women, refuse to claim a central place in their lives and in their own stories, finding self-assured women within our circle of loved ones may be difficult.

It is equally, if not more, problematic to find strong women’s stories within the annals of literature and film as I noted in Do you need to Do-it-yourself? The Psyche myth and the biblical passage of Proverbs (highlighted by my friend Amanda) are notable exceptions. I find it ironic that these particular stories were written thousands of years ago when women were presumably more oppressed.

Finding a woman’s point of view in the press is no less vexing. According to the article Finding the Feminine Voice in the Media, since 1992 only one-third of all storytellers/journalists providing up-to-the-minute commentary on our world are women. Of these journalists’ news directors/producers (read: those who decide what gets published), in the newspaper industry, 35% are women, in television 24%, and in radio 13%. And, in the CEO’s office, only 13% are women. Furthermore, “when you look at those who tell the stories to the storytellers (the sources for the stories), they are by and large men.”

Why trot out all these facts and figures?

Because if we become aware of the stories and myths that we ingest, it becomes much easier to understand why we make comments like: “I don’t have a dream.” And why we falsely believe we can either “achieve the goal” or “get the guy” but we can’t have both. Not now, not ever.

And so, I may be only one storyteller, and this blog may not reach many, but for those it does reach, my hope is that Dare to Dream will be a place where women can come to hear empowering stories from and about other women, and are encouraged to start telling stories, our own stories, in which we claim a central place.

Who are the women you admire? What are their stories and how have they inspired you to dare to dream?”

Should you know any female journalists, whether seasoned or aspiring, encourage them, let them know you want to hear their voice in the media mix, their unique perspective on the news. I for one, am clamoring for Margaret B's political commentary, Jane J's continued musings on both domestic and foreign events, Rushmie’s K's gig as a news director/producer, Laura Ls next magazine that features women's voices, Michelle’s M's thoughtful approach to state and local news, and Anne-Marie W's take on health and social issues.

Should you want a more in-depth study of storytelling from a man’s point of view, I would refer you to The Hero Workshop. Matt Langdon has carefully diagrammed the hero’s journey, and invites readers to chronicle their story using this framework. For illustrative purposes, he analyzes sports figures such as LaDainian Tomlinson.

Seeing with new eyes

The real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes. Marcel Proust

About two years ago I was participating in a continuing education course for work when my instructor commented, “You're really good at math.” I remember thinking -- Really? Could he be right? Could it be true that I am good at math? Because I can pinpoint the moment when I began to write the script that I wasn’t. In 5th grade, when we started word problems, I wrote a first draft. In 6th grade, when my teacher told me to stop asking questions, and just figure it out on my own, and I thought I couldn’t, I finalized the script. It read: I'm bad at math.

The "I'm bad at math" script wouldn’t be so problematic except that girls and women in the U.S. have a tendency to believe we are bad at math, and boys don’t. Meanwhile we live in a society whose systems and social structures value math skills. The script was problematic for me specifically because it wasn't entirely true.

Now, for the sake of argument, let’s say that it were true, that I have always and will forever struggle with math. Does this mean I’m dumb?

Howard Gardner, in his book Changing Minds, would argue absolutely not. He posits there isn’t a single intelligence that we either have more or less of. There are instead multiple intelligences, which include not only linguistic and logical-mathematical (the two forms of intelligence most highly prized by our society), but also musical, spatial, kinesthetic, naturalist, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and existential.

So if you’ve gone through school and even some of your work life feeling dumb (as I often have) because you weren’t particularly strong linguistically (being adept in written AND spoken language) or mathematically (good with numbers), and these were the two intelligences that most schools and standardized tests measure, it’s time to re-view, to see ourselves with new eyes.

And to recognize just how smart and capable and competent we are.

Musical intelligence -- This isn’t just about composing music, playing an instrument, singing well/or even learning a new language. Gardner writes: “the principles of organization involved in almost any kind of public presentation, whether organizing a conference or event, producing a play, or giving a speech have their origin in musical structure.”

Now I know why I can sense how an event or a speech should be organized; because of my musical intelligence and training.

Spatial intelligence –- Are you comfortable with architecture, interior or landscape design, organizing physical or cyberspace? Do you design tools, furniture or toys?

Puzzles, Rubik’s Cube – no thank you. But my daughter Miranda loves puzzles, follows the diagram, assembling Lego toys easily. One of my friends , a professional space planner, was able to look at my garage, and immediately visualize what needed to be done to organize it. Which is why I hired her because I can't see it.

Bodily-kinesthetic intelligence –- Do you create products using your whole body or parts of your body, like your hands? Do you paint, build furniture, scrapbook, sew, dance, play tennis?

My friend Carolyn instinctively knows what to do to remodel a room or build furniture. My sister is a beautiful dancer. When her body moves, she tells a story. And my young friend Sara – at 9 years old – would race 12 year-old boys across the pool and win. Her body just knows what to do.

Naturalist intelligence –- Can you tell the difference between one flower or one animal and another? Anyone involved in the preparation of food, construction of dwellings, or protection of the environment, draws on their naturalist capacity. And in our consumer society, do you have a heightened sense of discernment when it comes to the details that distinguish one shoe or one purse from another

My friend Margaret is a self-described brand junkie. She’s the kind of buyer I’d want to hire if I were a retailer. Margaret has a knack for choosing just the right shirt, shoe, and especially purse. Another friend, Bator, with whom we just spent Thanksgiving, draws on her naturalist capacity as a cook. Her gourmet Thai twist made our Thanksgiving feast extra special.

Interpersonal intelligence –- Can you look outward, toward the behavior and feelings of others, figuring out their motivations and working effectively with them?

Are you able to understand what children or your colleagues want and broker win-win situations? I haven’t known too many people with this intelligence in the workplace, but I have known MANY mothers with this intelligence. Daniel Goleman popularized this concept in his book Emotional Intelligence.

Intrapersonal intelligence –- Can you identify your personal feelings, goals, fears, strengths and weaknesses?

Here's how I gauge this one. Do you find that because you examine your life – see what’s working and what isn’t – and make changes, you are happier today than you were five years ago?

Existential intelligence –- can you pose and ponder the biggest questions: Who are we? Why are we here? What is going to happen to us?

Many of the world’s great leaders like Mahatma Gandhi and Winston Churchill have addressed these questions, helping us to make meaning of life’s experiences in uplifting, redemptive ways. Filmmakers tackle these big questions too. Remember Schindler’s List or Star Wars?

Is it really possible to see our selves, our minds, with new eyes? I believe it is; it happened to me just last week. In the process of organizing my home (under the direction of my friend who possesses spatial intelligence), I found a media-training videotape of myself. When I first saw the tape six years ago, I remember perceiving myself as dumb, tongue-tied, fat – all negative. With time, I’m seeing with new eyes, and am finding things to be proud of in that tape.

Shall we read through the list of intelligences one more time?

Did you discover one, two, or even three of your intelligences?

Now write one down.
Whisper it.
Say it out loud.

Then tell the dumb woman you’ve been keeping company with to kindly move aside, because an intelligent woman has just entered the room.