dare to dream

Rightsizing our dream: Rebecca Nielsen

When I spoke at Fusion, a women's group here in Boston, Rebecca Nielsen asked the question, "What happens when you have a dream (career), but then you make room for another dream (motherhood), making the prior dream an impossibility?

Good question, I thought, and asked her to guest blog.

Rebecca is the mother of eight-month-old twin girls, and was previously a Senior Director with UnitedHealth Group. She obtained her MBA from Harvard Business School in 2002, and an AB in History and Literature from Harvard College in 1998.

Below she shares her experience, and gamely answers my tough questions:

Years ago I set a goal to run the Red Cross. I then determined that attending business school and gaining management skills in the private sector were important steps to qualifying myself to lead a major NGO. When I called my college chemistry professor for a letter of recommendation to business school, he replied, "Rebecca – I don't envision you in business. I see you running the Red Cross."

I had to smile.

I shared that dream on my business school application and in my entrance interview. After each class I kept a journal of how my education in brand management, strategy, controls or finance would serve me in the non-for-profit arena – and I kept the dream tangible: someday I would run the American Red Cross. After business school I spent five years working in the healthcare industry developing general management skills.

Fast forward to the present: I am now a full-time mother of beautiful twin baby girls. Swept up in this dream – which is more purposeful and joyful than I expected – I think more about catching up on sleep than fundraising for disaster relief. However, I heed Langston Hughes' caution about dreams deferred, and welcome the chance to reflect on this goal. I've planted some stakes in the ground as I start this process of reassessing: I savor this time with my girls and I want to spend the bulk of my time with my children for years to come.

So, what about the dream?

Although I now have competing dreams that need to make room for each other, I am still enthusiastic about making strides in both – but not necessarily at the same time. Within days of receiving the invitation from Whitney to write this blog, I learned of the passing of my aunt. She enjoyed a rich family life and accomplished remarkable professional goals. She did it in stages. When her youngest child started kindergarten, she started writing. In the years that followed, she published twelve books. The fodder for some of her most notable works came from experiences with her children.

I anticipate that there will be a season in my life when I will chase my dream of running the Red Cross, and that my experiences as a mother will provide valuable fodder and perspective in championing humanitarian relief. My dream may need to be right-sized as I won't have a traditional management resume – but I am not disheartened. If I am not in a position to lead an established NGO, I will be able to serve on non-profit boards, volunteer in humanitarian relief on a local level, and follow my parents' example of devoting time to an extended humanitarian mission abroad. I may need to become a non-profit entrepreneur, and bootstrap my own effort to make a difference. Although my goal may change, its essence – to use my skills to champion humanitarian relief – is still within reach.

***

Q (Whitney): any questions you would pose to women after having written this?

A (Rebecca): Because of our life circumstances, some of our dreams may become less achievable. When is it right to let go, and when do we need to keep striving? Can the process of working towards a dream be enough of a reward in and of itself?

Q: How long would you say that it took you to right-size your dream? Has this been in the works since you graduated in 2002?

A: I've always wanted to have a family: when I formulated the goal to run the Red Cross, I just felt extremely bullish about finding a way to do both. I anticipated that after several years of mothering I would dust off my resume and charge into the non-profit world. However, exiting the business world with the birth of my children has prompted some reevaluation.

While I still feel the enthusiasm for making a contribution in humanitarian relief, I am more accepting of the fact that I may need to apply my skills in less conspicuous ways. As a career counselor told me once, the likelihood of my being the head of the Red Cross is weak at best, even if that were my only goal -- but the likelihood of my making a meaningful contribution in humanitarian relief is within my control.

Q. As you've ostensibly closed the door on one dream, what dream have you opened the door to since becoming a mother? What dream is now possible that wasn't before because of your business and mothering experience?

A: I feel that I am becoming a more complete person. I remember the relief I felt after coming home from the hospital with our girls, that at last, after 31 years, I could channel the bulk of my energies into something besides my own personal, academic and professional development. My life -- to large extent -- is these two little women, and I find that in letting them be my focus, I like myself better and trust myself more.

Q: You said you kept a journal on how you could prepare for the Red Cross... what if you were to keep a journal today -- for even just a month -- recording how your mothering experience can help you to continue to prepare to run the Red Cross. While I agree with you that it is more out-of-reach than it was, I'm not sure that it is entirely.... So would love for you to just imagine and explore a bit.

A: That's a great idea -- I'm up for it. I think I will recast the goal a bit, i.e. "how is what I am doing now preparing me to make a significant contribution in the realm of humanitarian relief?"

I'd be happy to report back at the end of August with my findings.

***

What dreams have you had that you needed to right size? How did you do it?

I was struck by Rebecca's comment that it was a relief to channel her energies into something other than herself. Psyche would certainly appreciate her sentiment. What are your thoughts?

Have you thought about keeping a journal that outlines how what you are doing in your life right now will help you achieve your dream? Before you say "nothing", think again.

How could Rebecca bring her girls along as she dreams?

Related posts:
What is your dream?
Explore your possibilities
Salon-style systergy
Doorsteps, doors and dreams

If you get defensive, you're getting close

Several months ago, my friend Kathleen Stone introduced me to Manhattan entrepreneur Janna Taylor. Knowing of Janna's pedigree and track record, I was surprised to read that she had initially been defensive when people suggested she open her own tutoring business.

I had unequivocally believed that if people saw possibilities for us that we couldn't ourselves see, we would readily and gratefully embrace these possibilities. Yet as I reflected on my own life, I found that this has not always been the case.

BUT, here's what I've discovered -- the more defensive I become, the closer I am to identifying my dream.

With Janna having pinpointed defensiveness as a bane, but especially a boon, to daring to dream, I've asked her to 'tell her story'.

May you be as encouraged as I was.

In fall 2007, I opened Mind Full Tutors, a tutoring company located on the upper east side of Manhattan. Even though starting a tutoring business had been my dream for several years, I resisted pursuing it like a stubborn mule.

Prior to receiving a Master's of Education at Harvard, I'd helped build a successful tutoring company. But when I graduated, I took a job working for a non-profit teacher education program with no plan to start a tutoring business. Even though my work for the non-profit was meaningful, I was unhappy. The job responsibilities did not play to my strengths and were far from the “action” of educating students.

When I complained to friends about my job, many responded with, “When are you going to start your tutoring company?” Each time, I met this encouragement with defensive responses such as, “There is no way I can do that,” “I can’t even think about that right now” and “Maybe someday…I don’t know.”

<

I have wondered -- why was I defensive?

Firstly, I was protecting my heart. I fervently wanted this dream to be a reality. But to pursue the dream would be to expose it to possible failure. I wondered if my heart could bear the disappointment.

Secondly, I was deflecting guilt for not acting authentically. I knew in my bones that part of living authentically was to start my own tutoring company. Because I knew it was going to be difficult and risky, I resisted.

These two factors blinded me to the possibility of success.

After several more months of job dissatisfaction, I decided to take a chance on what my friends and family could see, and what I had lost sight of. I wrote a business plan and five months later opened Mind Full Tutors. When I shared this news with my loved ones, all of the responses were akin to, “Finally!”

So what were my friends seeing that I wasn’t?

My friends saw an open road to success, where I saw barricades and roadblocks. They saw abilities, where I saw deficiencies. They saw, “Why not?” and I saw, “Because…” They saw my need to live with passion and purpose, and I saw a need to compromise because of fear.

I’ve learned that others can play an important role in anchoring us to our dreams. They remind us of what we can and are meant to accomplish in this life. While it is true that some people can detract us from our dreams, those who know us the best often see us for what we are – women of great ability and purpose.

Mind Full Tutors has been in business for almost a year now. My heart feels alive and I know that I am making difference in the world every day – one student at a time.

How would your loved ones respond if you asked them, “What do you see is my dream? And what qualities and abilities do I possess to make my dream a reality?”

Have ever felt defensive when someone mentions you should fulfill your dream? If so, why?

Have you ever fulfilled a, “Finally!” dream?

Related posts:

Play to your strengths
Rock climbing and rethinking our competence
What is your dream?
Why we tell our story
Walking through the unknown

A is for Amy's choice: Full-time mothering

After reading my post about Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series, Amy Sorensen and I exchanged several e-mails in which Amy shared that her dream right now is to do precisely what she's chosen to do: be a full-time mother. She shares her story below:

Almost a month ago Whitney asked me to guest blog and in the midst of the holidays I put it off and then after the big holiday push my grandfather died and I flew to Boise to celebrate his passing with my parents, aunts and uncles and cousins I haven'€™t seen in forever. It truly was a beautiful celebration, my grandfather was 95 years old and ready to die. We laughed over stories about his garden and the menacing squirrels and it was nice to be with family.

Amy's twin Chris, photo courtesy of Amy Sorensen

It has taken me several weeks to figure out what to say here and how to say it. Whitney asked if I would tell a little about myself and my dream journey. I grew up in Las Vegas, NV, finished my degree in communication studies from UNLV and met my husband, an officer in the Air Force, by the time I was twenty-five. We both wanted a family so shortly after we were married I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and scared and nervous. I was a journalist and publicist for a small publishing company in Vegas and I was worried about what I knew I would do next. I knew that I would leave the professional world behind and become a mom. I knew it would be hard, and it is. I am a dirty and tired mommy most days; I'€™m a taxi driver and a librarian and a teacher. I was a military wife and now I am a student wife with my husband working on his masters. I play and have played so many roles.

When I started reading Whitney's blog I thought what is my big dream? Was my big dream to be a journalist and did I let that slip by? I am a dreamer by nature, I like to think of all the things I could do, all the avenues I could take. I could do so many things. And as I have thought about this precious gift of life I have been given I realized that I am already living my big dream. For me the big dream is to have children who are mostly well adjusted, happy and successful. I want a relationship with my husband that will last and that we will enjoy being together even after 50 years of marriage. For me the best way to achieve these goals is to be at home. I can do whatever I want. I choose this dream; this is the most important thing for me right now.

I could be that writer and I do photography as a paid hobby, Thanks Whitney for encouraging me to have multiple dreams and to follow them. I started a blog and I have started a small business taking family pictures and shooting special events. But even in working with my photography I am still the mom, and the most important thing to me is to be the mom.

Amy's children, photo courtesy of Amy Sorensen

With the military we have moved from Las Vegas to Southern Georgia to Central Massachusetts and back west to Utah to attend school. And I am the constant in my children'€™s life and I enjoy being that. I figure someday I'll get the opportunity to go to New York and work at a magazine and someday I'll get to go on photo shoots to remote locations and spend hours just taking pictures. But right now I am living my first dream to be the mother of my children.

Please do take a moment to re-read the Pew Research Center post which I've flagged below. Why do you think we don't do a better job of acknowledging and affirming our own decisions as well as those of others?

Do you see in Amy's decision a hero's journey as outlined by Psyche? Especially Psyche's first task -- the sorting of the seeds?

Have you noticed how Amy is already harnessing her passion for photography in service of her feminine impulse to connect and collaborate?

I would encourage you to click into Amanda DeCardy's blog, an 8th grade teacher in Shanghai, in which she she also affirms her love of mothering. And of course there's Jane Clayson Johnson's book, I am a Mother.

Finally, for those of you that have had the chance to read Jean Shinoda Bolen's Goddesses in Everywoman, which archetype do you believe most closely aligns with the dream of mothering?

Related posts:
Pew Research Center's "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work"
Mothering matters
Psyche's 1st Task -- Sort the seeds
It takes courage to tell our stories
iPhone iNeed

Making meaning in Malawi

It is time to make space for another voice -- a lovely voice.

Belle Liang (who I met through my friend Jane -- go systergy!) is a professor at Boston College, and an expert on youth mentoring. In 2006, Belle's students launched an outreach website Generation Pulse, a place where high school and college-age students can come to discover their pulse, their who they are, by telling their stories.

Belle and her husband David, an adult internist and pediatric physician, have for several years been involved in relief work, work that has shaped her "faith, vision and sense of purpose". In the below essay poem, Belle tells of her encounter with two Malawian newborns, one who dies, one who lives.

May you be as moved as I was.

beauty and death

Our minds spin with the contrasting images of Malawi.
The dirt roads, goats and dogs wandering, huts with thatched roofs,
the faces, sweet faces, some laughing, and watching us
others crying, looking away, quietly dying.
Most of all, I remember the singing voices of youth praising God
just like angels from heaven.

Two babies are born, perfect and pure.
Disease attacks and now they are dying,
the first one in the arms of her grandmother
who has very recently buried her daughter.

As we witness this mystery of suffering
we try to revive her AIDs stricken body.
We watch her chest rise and fall so deliberately
gasping her last breaths, at four in the morning,
she dies.

We are sick with despair as she fades away in this dark hospital
and her grandmother is all alone and cannot cry.

God, why?

And just as hope is fading,
the other baby arrives gasping her last breaths
but she lives.

Not only lives, God has special plans for her
to bring a doctor thousands of miles
to save her.

Oh what mercy and grace
that one tiny life counts.

And so we have no answers
just a veiled sense
that despair and hope live side by side.

There is a link between death and beauty
for it is the splendor of living that so ignites our mind's eye
that makes us more conscious of death.

It is despair in this place,
that causes us to long for,
and rejoice at Hope's arrival.

Just beautiful.

Thank you Belle.

What part of your life have you yet to make meaning of? What story is waiting to be told? Through word, music, painting, drawing?

Belle's story seems to be a metaphor for moving to a both/and mindset? What are your thoughts?

About Belle Liang
Belle Liang, an education professor at Boston College and a national expert on youth mentoring, is the author of numerous papers and several new measures for the study of qualities underlying growth-fostering peer, community and mentor relationships. In an upcoming book, First Do No Harm: A Call for Ethical Guidelines in Youth Mentoring (Harvard University Press), she and her colleagues synthesize the research on youth mentoring in ways that are accessible to practitioners not in academia.

Liang and her students also recently launched an award-winning Web outreach project created for and by young people called GenerationPulse that has received hundreds of submissions in its first year.

iPhone iNeed?

Some months ago in A Space for Women's Voices I wrote, "I may be only one storyteller, and this blog may not reach many, but for those it does reach, my hope is that Dare to Dream will be a place where women can come to hear empowering stories from and about other women, and are encouraged to start telling stories, our own stories, in which we claim a central place."

Lily Liang, my first guest blogger, is one of these storytellers. And, as a woman who majored in Operations Research (read: technology and computers) at Cornell, Lily is uniquely qualified to do the "woman thing" as called for by Tom Peters.

When my friend Paulina introduced me to Lily I was so engaged by her story, that I immediately asked if she would guest blog.

She has kindly consented; may you enjoy learning from her as much as I have.

I remember being genuinely surprised when I first read Whitney's iPhone inDifference posting and saw the picture that showed hardly any women waiting in line for the iPhone.

At the time, I was living in San Francisco interning with a dot com and spending most of my time outside of work socializing with other MBA interns who worked at start-ups and high tech companies, including Google and Apple.

I was surrounded by the iPhone craze. In fact, I even accepted an invitation to join a Facebook group that a classmate started called “I had to buy an iPhone because my calculator broke.”

However, I didn’t wait in line to buy an iPhone. Nor have I bought one since.

That's not because I don't like technology, I use technology every day.

I have a profile on Facebook, Friendster, LinkedIn, and MySpace.

I watch videos of missed So You Think You Can Dance episodes on YouTube.

I chat with friends and family via AIM, MSN Messenger, Yahoo! Messenger, and Google Talk.

I use Skype to speak with my parents who live in China.

I have a Blackberry as my phone.

And, in my professional life, technology is not only a medium of communication, it is a language in itself. During my career in IT/management consulting, I have had to put my business hat on to ensure a new project is conceptually sound, but it's been my technical background that has allowed me to ensure a project is operationally feasible.

And because I help to translate business needs into technical requirements – and vice versa – I'm able to make things happen.

I’m not the most well-versed in technology, particularly new ones, but I like to learn about them from those who are more technically-savvy. And I know enough, that I can use it to push a project forward.

So, why haven’t I purchased an iPhone?

Probably the same reason why I haven’t bought a flat panel TV or some fancy video game console like the Nintendo Wii (though, I experienced the Guitar Hero game this summer and it is simply awesome): I haven’t rationalized enough of a need to buy them at their current price points.

Trust me – I can convince myself of any new purchase, but being the guinea pig for a fancy gadget before knowing if it works well or how it truly differs than my blackberry has little appeal to me.

Which brings me back to why Whitney's iPhone inDifference gave me pause, and what I've concluded:

Women primarily adopt new technologies for function while men often adopt them to satisfy their egos. When I whip my blackberry out, I feel a little silly, but I find it incredibly useful to have email at my fingertips. For a man, the iPhone may offer neat features that help to organize his life better, but it also signifies a particular lifestyle and status that he wants to express to those around him. Do you know any man who keeps his new gadgets a secret?

Over the next decade, many technological advances will be introduced that will change the way we live our lives. Some will even assert that their advances will allow us to live better. We’ll be ordering groceries and getting same-day delivery to our homes with a touch of our cell phones. Robotics will become more commonplace in the household, evolving from current robotic technologies such as iRobot’s Roomba.

However, technology is most meaningful if it somehow improves our everyday lives.

For example, if my mother hadn’t been open to learning email, MSN Messenger and making phone calls over Skype after moving to China with my father (with my sisters and I still living in the states), it would have made it even more difficult having my parents live so far away.

So, if you want to "improve your everyday life" and/or be part of the "woman thing", but your technology IQ is holding you back, here's what I'd suggest:

1) Be open to technological advances.

2) Experiment with new technologies that people around you are using - maybe you don't need it now, but you may discover a use for the technology later.

Oh, and don’t be fooled by the lack of women waiting in line for the next new gadget, thinking that it means that women are behind the technological curve. It’s all about letting the first movers (primarily men) pay the premium for the new product, discover all of the bugs in the initial release, and then waiting for the next installment of the technology that is not only cheaper, but oftentimes better because the bugs have been fixed (See Week in Review: Apple My Ire).

Smart.

What are your thoughts on Lily's blog?

Is there a generational component?

Do you agree with my premise that women's innate collaborational expertise needs to be married with technical chops in order for Tome Peters' "woman thing" to happen?

What could you make happen if you were to learn more about technology? In your personal or professional life?

Did you notice how the myth of Psyche is relevant even with things technical?

If you liked what Lily had to say -- and think it's terrific that she took the time to share her voice with us -- do give her an ATTA GIRL in the comments below.

And did you see what she does in her leisure time? Now that sounds fun!

Finally, if you feel that you have something to say, a story to tell, let me know!

About Lily Liang
Upon receiving a B.S. in Operations Research from Cornell University in 2001, Lily Liang moved to New York City to test out her process skills as a consultant with Accenture. She primarily worked as an interactive voice response (IVR) system functional designer for large telecommunication companies. Realizing that her true interests lie in working with products rather than in the services industry, Lily then took a job with the College Board with their Product Development group. She devoted her three years there with the SAT Program, helping them to introduce the new SAT with Writing as well as other new SAT initiatives. Her career at the College Board not only satisfied her need to work with meaningful products but inspired a new person interest in educational reform.

Lily is currently pursuing her MBA at Harvard Business School (HBS). She has enjoyed learning the different functional areas with which general managers interact, and continues to have an interest in working with meaningful products that have an impact on everyday lives. She recently completed a summer internship with Walmart.com where she developed a strategy to support their multi-channel shoppers.

Outside of the classroom, Lily is the Co-President of the HBS Dance Club as well as an Afro-Brazilian / Samba teacher and choreographer.