dare to dream

Living the dream. Life's a breeze. Not.

During a particularly challenging week at work, I happened upon an article by Robert S. Kaplan titled Reaching your Potential which offered up the teaser, "maybe you feel frustrated with your career--convinced you should be achieving more. You may even wish you had chosen a different career altogether."

I was definitely frustrated, and even discouraged, but did I wish I had chosen a different path?

Not really.

As I reflected on Kaplan's article, I realized that I'm right where I want to be.

In sharing this insight with one of my friends, she kindly, but pointedly asked,

"Did you really think that living your dream isn't challenging, discouraging, and difficult?"

To which I sheepishly replied, "No."

The truth is there's a pretty large shred of me which believes that in living my dream, life will be breezy.

This isn't, and can't be, true -- am I the only one who wants it to be?

Do you remember Psyche's 3rd task?

The task that requires her to fill a flask with water from a raging river alongside a craggy cliff, a task which is a metaphor for our learning to accomplish goals against inevitable distractions and tough odds.

This image is copyrighted by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008.

Would it be accurate to say that Psyche didn't choose to be on the hero's journey? That she wasn't precisely where she wanted and needed to be? That she didn't want to accomplish her goal?

No, no and no.

But it was difficult.

It is for us too.

After one of your tough days, do you find yourself wondering if you really are living your dream? If you're not -- then that is another conversation. If you are, do you ask why things aren't easier? Why do you think we believe this?

Did you notice how Psyche delegated the task of filling the flask to the eagle? As we are dreaming, whether our dream involves full-time mothering, full-time careering, or some amalgam of the two, what tasks can we delegate?

If you were to interview dare to dreamgirl Dana King, who recently started designHop clubs, and has been featured in St. Louis Magazine, will she tell you she is happily living out her dream? Absolutely. Will she tell you it's easy? I'll let you ask her.

Or if you were to interview Rebecca Nielsen, the mother of young twin daughters, who recently wrote about Rightsizing our dream, what will she say? Easy? Hard? Both?

Related posts:
The Myth of Psyche
Psyche's 3rd Task
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
dare to dreamgirl: Dana King
Rightsizing our dream: Rebecca Nielsen

Will kirtsy please take a bow?

Within days of writing about Rick Riordan's Golden Fleece, I heard from Gabrielle, one of sk*rt's founders (aka Design Mom), that sk*rt could be sued for alleged trademark infringement, and would need to spend a lot of money on a legal battle royale, or change their name.

In Gabrielle's words:

Last September, Skirt! Magazine (a free monthly newspaper in the SouthEast) switched their domain name from skirtmag.com to skirt.com. Months and months after we’d already launched. And now that they’re at skirt.com, they feel our twinner domain names are too similar. So they sued us in December. And we won. But they keep the lawsuit threats coming anyway. So, we have decided to change our name and move on. Why fight an enormous corporation with deep pockets and a penchant for sueing tiny companies? And. We don’t believe in skirts fighting. The end.

So this past week, sk*rt changed its name to kirtsy, and the process by which it was done has been remarkably systergistic.

Quoting again from Gabrielle:

[kirtsy is] a name that many many many voted for. A name whose solid domain we own. A name that won all legal obstacle courses with flying colors. A name that contains the letters of our beloved sk*rt and its sk*rty adjectival format. A name that means giving greeting, nods, props and respect to something. A name that we now know as kirtsy.

Having recently met kirtsy's Gabrielle, Laura and Laurie, I wasn't at all surprised by the approach they've taken.

I was nonetheless impressed by their textbook 'fleece gathering', the second of Psyche's four tasks.

As Psyche embarks on her journey to really grow up, her second task requires that she gather fleece, fleece that has the power to heal. And yet to obtain the fleece she must wait until sundown when the rams disperse so as to safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles, else she will be crushed by the head-butting rams.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

The kirtsy ladies could could have engaged in head-butting, and in fact were encouraged to, but instead chose to gather the fleece from the brambles, to get things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others. 

Which is why I can't help but kirtsy to you -- Gabrielle, Laura and Laurie.

Won't you please take a bow?

If you have a blog, or website, have you properly trademarked the name? If you need me to refer you to someone that can do this for you, e-mail me and I'll give you some names.

Did you notice that notwithstanding their getting the name trademarked, etc, even so there was a lawsuit. One of the hazards of getting in the game perhaps?

What can we learn about how the kirtsy founders went about choosing a new name? Did you notice how in involving the community, they gave us an opportunity to rally, to experience systergy?

What else is there to learn from the kirtsy -- aka Psyche -- way of doing business?

P.S. For more on the importance of -- and how to - on trademarking, see Green and Clean Mom's post on this topic.

Related posts:
Rick Riordan's 'Golden Fleece'
Myth of Psyche
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
The hazards of 'getting in the game'
Site I like: kirtsy (formerly known as sk*rt)

When we say no

I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one [an investment] that is exactly what I am looking for.  And then I say Yes.  All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune.We say no a thousand times before we can yes.  Warren Buffett

When we say 'no', what are we saying 'yes 'to?

As a parent, when we say 'no' to TV before our children play outside, aren't we saying 'yes' to their physical and emotional health?

As a student, when we say 'no' to the internship that is handily ours so as to seek out one that isn't,  aren't we saying 'yes' to discovering new skills so as to be even better prepared for the job market?

If I'm Paula Abdul and I say 'no' I didn't like that number, am I not saying 'yes' to my words meaning something?

When we say 'no' to heading up another committee at school because we are tapped out, aren't we saying 'yes' to our children and spouse, our self?

If I'm Katie Couric, if I had said 'no' I won't take the CBS Evening News gig, wouldn't she have been saying 'yes' to my brand, 'yes' to why people hire me, 'yes' to keeping my career on track?   (I confess, however, in response to Stacey P's comment on that post, had I been there, I don't know that I would have done it differently).

What about the entrepreneurs over at sk*rt who have others begging to give them money (with lots of strings attached)?  When they say 'no', aren't they saying 'yes' to more risk, but more importantly to themselves, their vision?

Photo courtesy of Andrea Heimer, whose 'Yes' painting I recently purchased and love

When we say 'no' to living out the dreams that others (parents, spouse, friends, children) have for us, aren't we saying 'yes' to the vision we have for our self?  Or at least to figuring out what vision we have for our self?

When we say 'no', we have said 'yes' to something else -- an emphatic, meaningful 'yes.'   

In learning to say 'no', we are indeed learning to say 'yes', not only 'yes' to others, but 'yes' to our selves.

To prioritize.
To discern.
To choose.
To be wise.

There's always a 'yes' on the other side of the 'no' -- who and what are we saying 'yes' to?

How are we saying yes to our self?

Over the next few hours, every time you say 'no', will you think about what you are saying 'yes' to?

P.S.  Thank you to Peggy D for inspiring this post.

Related posts:
Morning sickness metaphor
A down payment on our dream
Learning to say no
Psyche and choice
Words to dream by:   Anne Morrow Lindbergh
   

Rick Riordan's 'Golden Fleece'

In Rick Riordan's book The Sea of Monsters, the second in a series of children's novels loosely based on ancient Greek mythology, the magical tree that guards Camp Half-Blood has been poisoned.  Perseus (Percy) Jackson, a half-blood son of Poseidon, and Annabeth, half-blood daughter of Athena, have only days to find the Golden Fleece, the one magical item, that will heal the tree before Camp Half-Blood is overrun by monsters. 

After the Golden Ram was sacrificed, the Golden Fleece hung on a tree in the middle of the kingdom. Riordan's character Annabeth explains, "The Fleece brought prosperity to the land. Animals stopped getting sick. Plants grew better. Farmers had bumper crops. Plagues never visited. That's why Jason wanted the Fleece. It can revitalize any land where it's placed. It cures sickness, strengthens nature, clean up pollution...."

It's striking that as Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she gather fleece, fleece that has the power to heal. And yet to obtain the fleece she must wait until sundown when the rams disperse, so as to safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

The Fleece thus symbolizes the power to get things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others. 

In the How Star Women Build Portable Skills post, Stacey P observed that we need to beware the steam-rolling, head-butting approach. Should we go down this path, we are likely to get crushed.  Worse yet, in our effort to get the fleece in order to make a difference, we may ultimately get fleeced (aka become corrupted) by what we did to get there. 

When we decide we are ready to go on our own hero's journey, are we able to do so without upending relationships (e.g. butting heads) with our loved ones? Is it possible to get something done for ourselves, even as we give life to others, whether children, husband, friends?

Related posts:

Psyche's 2nd Task:  Obtain golden fleece
Second Thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task
Doorsteps, doors and dreams
The Galadriel Test

Myth of Psyche

According to psychologists Jean Shinoda Bolen and Robert Johnson, there are very few stories that describe the psychology of feminine, rather than masculine, development. 

The myth of Psyche is one of them.

Psyche is a mortal woman who wants to find her estranged husband, Eros, God of Love and son of Aphrodite. Aphrodite, whose jealous fit led to their meeting and falling in love in the first place, holds the key to their being reunited: it often happens that whatever has wounded us is instrumental in our healing.

To become who she is – to accomplish all that she is meant to – Psyche needs to not only love and nurture and care and connect, she also must learn to sort through and prioritize her possibilities, obtain power without selling her soul, keep her eyes on her prize, and say no.

May I now share with you Mallika Sundaramurthy's original Myth of Psyche illustrations?

Task 1:  Sort the seeds - Sift through and prioritize possibilities

Task 2:  Gather the fleece -- Get things done

Task 3:  Fill the flask -- Accomplish a goal

Task 4:  Fill a box with beauty ointment -- Learn to say no

Which of these four tasks is most difficult for you?

What can we learn from the men in our lives as we complete our hero's journey?

What can men learn from us?

If you think these images are as wonderful as I do, please take a moment to let Mallika know.  She may even be willing to sell a print to you  -- I know I'm going to want one.

All images are copyright by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008. 

P.S.  Mallika is the artist who designed my pOstcard for the Oprah contest last year.  It's fabulous, isn't it?

Related posts:
Stories we love and live by
A Hero's Journey
Psyche and choice
Learning to say no
The Galadriel test

dare to dreamgirl: Jessica Gooley

Do you remember Psyche's four tasks, the 3rd task requiring her to set a goal (fill the flask with water) and achieve the goal despite fairly significant distractions (raging stream etched against a jagged cliff)?

Well, Jessica Gooley has done precisely that.

Jessica works full-time as a cardiac surgical nurse.  She spends considerable time caring for her mother who's had a stroke, and in recent months attended to her daughter during a difficult first pregnancy.

But Jessica had a goal.
Which she's achieved.
I'll let her tell you in her own words.

I am a Cardiac Surgical Nurse who has dared to dream about creating a business to sell kits of unique and whimsical animal wall hangings. I took 3x3 pictures of felt wall hangings given me by my older sister, Jenni Christensen, a Utah artist. From those original 3x3 pictures I now have kits for 13 of these whimsical animals which include patterns, material, thread and instructions. Even though it is not listed as included in the kits, as people complete the kits and see the finished product they will also have a delightful feeling of joy as evidences by the smiles on the faces of all who see these whimsical animals appear.

(Note:  The Belly Button Bunch was featured in Organize Magazine (as seen in the lower l.h. corner above); photo courtesy of LaNola Kathleen Stone.)

I came about this dream by reading a “Dare to Dream” article written by a good friend, Whitney Johnson. Through this article and the encouragement of Whitney, I have started on the road to realizing my dream.

My dream has been nurtured by the people, places, and experiences of my life. I was born in Salt Lake City, but then moved to Hawaii where I was surrounded by the vibrant colors of those islands for 10 years. My next stop was Idaho and lived next to a wildlife refuse and enjoyed many animals on the farm. After high school I went to nursing school in Portland, Oregon. My travels then took me to Southern California where I met my husband of 28 years. I have called Texas, Oregon and now Shrewsbury, Massachusetts home. Three wonderful children have blessed my life. Some 35 years of my life was spent working in the medical field, the last fifteen as a Cardiac Surgical Nurse.

When you get a moment, please go over to Jessica's website and take a look.

If you have any ideas on how to market the Belly Button Bunch, why not practice a little systergy, and share your ideas with Jessica.  Better yet, pass along the link to Belly Button Bunch.

Atta Girl, Jessica!

What have you been thinking about doing?   

How can the metaphorical eagle help you?

Related posts:

Psyche's 3rd Task:  Fill the Flask
Handicrafts for the hero's journey
dare to dreamgirl:  Dana King
Blog I Like:  HellomynameisHeather

dare to dreamgirl: Margaret Woolley Busse

Margaret Woolley Busse is the newest 'dare to dreamgirl'. 

Margaret's been thinking about starting a blog for some months now, a blog in which she examines how public policy affects our everyday lives, and which by the way, she is eminently qualified to do. 

And now she has.

In her post titled "The Meaning of 9%", Margaret leads off with "Nine percent.  Usually an insignificant amount...But when 9% represents the percentage of registered voters who voted in a recent annual town election, [and who are thus] determining the course of government in the town", 9% is no longer insignificant.

Thought-provoking stuff.

Within the context of 'dare to dream' there are many reasons to say Atta Girl!, but I'll focus on two:

1)  Margaret has made a choice (a difficult choice given that she has an MBA from Harvard) to be a full-time mother to her three young children.  In honoring her decision, she reminds each of us to acknowledge and affirm our own decisions.

2)  Even as Margaret honors her decision to mother full-time, she recognizes the importance of dreaming, of attending to herself -- which she is doing by carving out time to craft her blog, to formulate her thoughts on policy and politics.

It won't be easy. 

In his book 'The Power of a Positive No', William Ury describes what she's doing as learning to "marry the two most fundamental words in our language: Yes and No.  Yes is the key word of connection (deciding to mother full-time).  No the key word of protection (of identity or self)...The secret to standing up for yourself and what you need without destroying precious relationships is to marry the two." 

Please do take a moment to visit Margaret's blog, read what she's written, and to leave a comment telling her Atta Girl!

Related posts:

Psyche's 4th task: Learn to say no

Pew Research Center's Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work

Psyche and choice

Making meaning in Malawi

Doorsteps, doors and dreams

The hazards of 'Getting in the Game'

"Throw down your pom-poms and get in the game."  A phrase I heard frequently during the late 80's, early 90's while working on Wall Street.

In one of my very first posts (see below), I boldly implored women to throw down our pom-poms, get in the game, our game, and be the hero of our story.

Photo courtesy of john carleton @ istockphoto

1 1/2 years later, I am astonished that I employed this metaphor.  I knew about being a cheerleader, but as an early days Title IX gal, I've never played competitive sports, and thus had no experience with 'literally' getting in the game.

Ahh, the bluster of inexperience.

Obviously, I knew that football players wear helmets and pads because it's dangerous, you get bumps, bruises, and broken bones.  But I didn't know.

No doubt I had glorified the 'getting in the game' of my life whether at home, work or in the community, not recognizing that this would involve saying no and negotiating conflict, none of which my cheerleading had prepared me to do.

I'm learning, but because I'm not good at it, I can feel pretty beaten up some days.

Photo courtesy groveb @ istockphoto

As I've nursed my wounds by sharing them with my friends, two of them, both of whom are psychologists by training, said something strikingly similar:

Learning to negotiate conflict is an important developmental milestone, one that ultimately enhances and strengthens our relationships.

Did you know this?

I didn't.

Does this mean that if we throw down our pom-poms, and get in the game, when we pick our pom-poms back up, we'll be even better cheerleaders, better heros of support?

Isn't this what Psyche did?  She went on a hero's journey, which required her to learn to say no, so that she could say yes to her relationships.

When have you set boundaries recently?  Said no?  Negotiated conflict?

Hard?

For me too.

Helmet and pads required.

Related posts:
Throw down your pom-poms
It's just a game!  Precisely!
Three cheers for oxytocin
Psyche's 4th Task:  Learning to say no
What I've learned from identifying my heros

Soundtracks: finding our voice, telling our story

Before I list the songs that comprise my current top five (for my top 40s), may I share with you some of the 'dare to dream' lessons learned from this six-part series 'Tell your soundtrack story'?

1)  Re-listening to beloved childhood music helps us become the hero of our story

As I re-listened to music I loved as a girl, I remembered (I really had forgotten) that I once LOVED making music, playing the piano in particular.  Which is why my recently volunteering/being asked to play the piano every Sunday for the children at our church is such a gift; I'm rediscovering the making of music, and taking back something that I loved.  I'm even toying with trying to compose a children's song.  Any lyricists or poets among you?

As you listen to music from the time in your life when you still knew you were Rachel (see Thank Heaven for Little Rachels below), what do you remember about who and how you wanted to be?  How can this remembering help you to be the hero of your story?

2)  Are any of the songs/musicans we loved as teenagers the keepers of our dreams?

In his book 'This is Your Brain on Music', Daniel Levitin writes "Safety plays a role for a lot of us in choosing music...To an extent, we surrender to music when we listen to it -- we allow ourselves to trust the composers and musicians with a part of our hearts and spirits."  (see Soundtrack Story:  Career, Motherhood and 9/11 below)  Remember how each of my soundtracks had a song that I labeled as my 'imagine and explore' songs, from 'Everybody wants to be a Cat', 'Play that Funky Music White Boy' to 'Smooth'?

As you re-listen to music you loved as a teenager, is it accurate to say that these songs felt safe to you?  What did you aspire to be or do that you couldn't share with others, but shared with the musicians you listened to?  Is it time to take this piece of our selves back?

3)  Soundtracks tell the story of finding our voice

It is interesting to me that I loved Helen Reddy's 'I am Woman' thirty years ago, but it is striking that my 'girl power' songs have evolved from the myth of Psyche's head-butting to fleece-gathering 'girl power' (see Second Thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task below) whether India.Arie or Zap Mama's songs.

What will your soundtrack say about the finding of your voice?

Virtual Insanity -- In the spring of 2005, just weeks prior to my leaving Merrill Lynch, I was in Holland in the back of yet another cab.  Jamiroquai's 'Virtual Insanity' came on the radio.  I was so taken with the music, I asked the driver to turn the volume up really loud.  This song, more than any other, reminds me of the thrill of imagining and exploring and then daring.

Sweetest Someone that I Know -- It wasn't until my husband and I had been married for over 20 years that I heard a song that pinpointed how I feel about him.  It is fitting that this song came from the mind and heart and voice of Stevie Wonder.  It also reminds me that when we as women undertake the hero's journey, the journey only has meaning if it helps us be happy at home.

Miss Q'In - Love the music.  Love the lyrics more.  Zap Mama distills into one song my hope for me and for all women -- that we may travel far and wide, seeking to be a princess, but eventually we will realize that what we want is to be 'me'.  Such a Rachel, learning-to-be-the-hero-of-our-story, song.

For Good -- I've written extensively on this song (see Why I Like Wicked below), but at its most basic this is my systergy song.  It always reminds me how happy and grateful I am to have so many women with whom I can share the dreaming and daring.

Beautiful Flower --  India.Arie is herself a huge admirer of Stevie Wonder.  Yet another Rachel, myth of Psyche song.  For more details, see the 'A Song to dream by' below.

P.S.  One of my runner-up songs is Tamyra Gray's Ha Ha.  This song gives utterance to the anger that I, and perhaps you, sometimes feel when what we want to give the world isn't received.  (Note too that I was only willing to give it runner-up status -- some interesting psychology there no doubt).  I've got a lot of thoughts about why anger is our friend.  Another day.

Related posts:

Thank Heaven for little Rachels

Soundtrack story:  Career, motherhood and 9/11

Second Thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task

Why I Liked Wicked

A Song to dream by:  Beautiful Flower

A down payment on our dream

Every time you spend money, you're casting a vote for the kind of world you want. Anna Lappe, O Magazine, June 2003

Have you ever heard Charles Dickens' aphorism, "Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery."

Pithy.  Earn money.  Spend less than we earn.  I couldn't agree more.

But there's so much more to be said about money.

Like 'annual expenditure nineteen nineteen and six' -- on what?  And why?

In other words, once we've exceeded this basic hurdle of money management (spending less than we earn), then what?

For instance, how do we spend our money?  Doesn't how we spend mirror how we see the world, reflecting back to us if there's a place for our dream?

Source:  istockphoto

For example, when we spend money to house, feed, clothe, educate -- and play with -- our children, aren't we making a down payment on their happiness, their 'who they are', and on a close-knit family? 

What about money spent on savings and investment?  Maybe we are spending now so we can feel secure in the event of a rainy day.  Perhaps we want a world in which our children go to college.  And maybe we want the financial wherewithal to give back.

As we participate in philanthropic pursuits, like the Snow Leopard Trust as my daughter does, aren't we casting a vote for a world where we take care of our own, even as everyone is our own?  If we tithe, are we not spending for a world where God matters? 

There are so many great ways to spend our money, but I do wonder Is there any room in our budget, any money at all, for a world in which our dream has a place?

Perhaps, we feel we don't have the money (or time, or permission) to put toward our dream.  Happily, Psyche didn't need to shear the rams and then obtain all of their fleece, she needed a just bit of fleece that the ram's had perchance rubbed off on the brambles in order to complete her hero's journey.

Just a little bit of fleece, a little bit of time, a little bit of money, to make a down payment on our dream.

If you do a quick rundown of what you spend each month, how much do you spend on your children's dreams?  Or your dreams for your children and/or spouse?  Friends?  The world?  Yours?

What else can Psyche's journey teach us about making a down payment on our dreams?

How can we harness Charles Dickens' advice on behalf of following the advice of Anna Lappe?

P.S. Matt Langdon over at The Hero Workshop forwarded this article Look at yourself before it's too late to change -- a good, quick read.

Related posts:
Psyche and choice
Valuing what women do
Systergy in St. Louis
A philanthropic hero's journey:  Luanne Zurlo
Of Corvettes and Porsches

Doorsteps, doors and dreams

"You're leaving again Mom. You're never here," said my 11 year-old David, as I was walking out the door to the March of Dimes benefit that my friend Jane was emceeing.

My hair was done, make-up on, clothing donned, but I asked anyway:

"Do you want me to stay David?"

"You won't Mom, so I won't ask."

"Are you sure?"

"Go mom."

I got in the car, immediately called my husband who supplied characteristically good advice, "Trust your gut", I turned the car around.

Walking in the door, changing into my pajamas, watching TV together, having David know that I'd put him first, and MY knowing that I'd put him first....

Lovely Jane understood.

***

Several weeks later, one of my mentors encouraged me to bring my children along as I 'dare to dream' and 'know my neighbor', or as my children call it 'dare to know your neighbor.' Because he gave me several pieces of advice, many of which I quite preferred, 'bring your children along', was noted, and forgotten.

Until one of my girlfriends gave me the same advice.

Three times in three weeks. Three different people.

Hmmm.

Is it possible that even as I attend to my children's emotional well-being at a basic level (probably better than basic), I'm excluding them from a large piece of myself, and in effect, leaving them on the doorstep of my dreams?

Courtesy of Tomaz Levstek via iStockphoto

Were I to include them more -- what would happen?

It had crossed my mind to take David to the March of Dimes benefit. Too young. He won't want to go. Too much work for me. And 11 is probably too young. But next year?

When I asked him if he would come to something like this, his answer was yes.

By taking David, we'd spend time together, I'd get to see him in a tuxedo AND we could support both Jane and The March of Dimes.

Opening the door to our children's dreams, even as we open the door to ours.

An elegant, both/and solution; Psyche would no doubt be approve.

***

As we involve and engage our children in the dreaming process, they will definitely learn from us (some good, some bad), but what can we learn from them? How do their strengths help us?

What can we learn from Susan Minot's Evening about including our children?

When have you involved your children in your dream, whether planning or executing, or both?

How did you feel? How did they?

Related posts:
Children and the call to adventure
Susan Minot's Evening
Parenting and the hero's journey
Pscyhe's 4th Task: Learn to say no
Enough

The Galadriel test

Whether it's because of Hillary Clinton's candidacy, or because I recently saw Wicked, possibly both, I've been thinking a lot about women and power.

Not so much about the 'why's' and 'what it looks like' which Psyche's 2nd task addresses...

But rather, what do we as women do, when we have power, as did Glinda the Good, and Leah's sister Rachel?

As we learn from The Lord of the Rings, the Ring itself symbolizing power -- no matter how much we may desire to do good, once we have the power to do good, this power can corrupt us.

For example, do you remember when Frodo, encouraged by Lady Galadriel's goodness and wisdom, offers her the Ring?

She wants to accept it, oh, how she wants it, saying:

"I do not deny that my heart has greatly desired to ask what you offer.
And now at last it comes. You will give me the Ring freely!
In place of a Dark Lord you will set up a Queen.
And I shall not be dark, but beautiful and terrible as the Morning and the Night!
Dreadful as the Storm and the Lightning!
Stronger than the foundations of the earth.
All shall love me and despair!

Galadriel then lifted up her hand and from the ring that she wore and stood before Frodo seeming now tall beyond measurement, and beautiful beyond enduring, terrible and worshipful.

Then she let her hand fall, and the light faded, and suddenly she laughed again, and lo! she was shrunken: a slender elf-woman, clad in simple white, whose gentle voice was soft and sad.

'I pass the test,' she said."

When we believe we are Rachel, and we all do in some contexts, what do we do with the power that redounds to us? How do we safeguard ourselves from corruption?

For women that are mothers and/or teachers, haven't we had the opportunity to make those in our care worship us? To love us and despair! All mothers and teachers have this power. How do we wield it?

How does the power handed to us change as we move from our 20's to our 30's, 40's to our 50's to our 60's?

Did Glinda the Good's power corrupt her? How?

Following up on Stacey P's comments regarding the double entendre in the lyrics 'For Good', does the power we wield change people for the better, or just 'for good'?

When was your last Galadriel test?

How did you do?

Why we are skeptical of Hillary Clinton

When I read Katharine Seelye's NY Times article titled, Women Supportive of Clinton, But Skeptical, I found myself wondering....

Why?

Why do so many want to want to vote for Hillary Clinton, but won't?

Is it a question of competence?

Most would agree she's quite capable. So -- No.

Is it because we don't agree with her politics?

Within a few seconds, I rattled off the names of several women for whom I would vote despite our differing political views. So again -- No.

If it's neither a question of competence, nor of political views, then why are we skeptical?

1) We don't identify with Senator Clinton's hero's journey -- As with Katie Couric, there's an archetypal mismatch, though for an entirely different reason.

While we don't doubt that Senator Clinton can successfully take on Psyche's four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, it feels like she's taking on the adventure for herself, not for us. That she's ready and willing to do some genuine head-butting, rather than to wait and pick up the fleece off the fence once the rams have gone home. In other words, she seems to want power, not for us, but for her. That's not the female hero's journey that resonates with us, so we can't quite get comfortable.

Ok, she's not perfect, but isn't there a double standard here?

Absolutely.

Most of us feel quite comfortable if men are ambitious and even a little bit 'naughty' -- after all, 'boys will be boys' (remember Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking his cigar in the tent near his office), but with women....

2) We want a fairy godmother -- The Princess Diaries, provides a great look at this archetype. The film stars Julie Andrews as Queen Clarisse (for anyone over the age of 40, she is the practically perfect fairy godmother Mary Poppins) preparing her granddaughter Princess Mia, played by Anne Hathaway, to ascend to the throne of the imaginary kingdom Genovia.

Princess Mia is qualified to be a princess because she's "bright, sensitive and caring," says Queen Clarisse. (Imagine Senator Clinton, let alone the male presidential candidates, described as such!) Further reinforcing the fairy godmother archetype, Queen Clarisse sings to Princess Mia:

When they tell your story,
They'll call your heart of gold your crowning glory,
The most glorious part of you

In other words, inscribed in our minds and in our hearts, is the view that a woman who leads us must be smart and capable, and most especially good and kind.

That her hero's journey, no matter how difficult, is ultimately undertaken on our behalf.

And that whether Princess Mia, Mary Poppins, or Psyche -- she'll be our fairy godmother.

If you are comfortable with Hillary Clinton, what are your thoughts on archetypes? Is there one that fits?

There was an interesting article in the Australian papers not too long ago titled When one man's ambition is another woman's evil curse, comparing and contrasting how people respond to ambition in women versus men.

Given how beloved Bill Clinton is, and what I understand to be an uncanny ability to make people feel that it is all about them, could he be the key to her winning?

What are your thoughts on other presidential candidates? Which archetypes are working for or against them?

P.S. Maureen Dowd of the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece (Oct 31 2007) titled Hilary La Francaise, Cherchez la Femme? which certainly underscores the comments (see below) made by Margaret Busse and Elizabeth Harmer-Dionne. Also interesting to read Ms. Dowd's comment, "Maybe the qualities that many find off-putting in Hillary — her opportunism, her triangulation, her ethical corner-cutting, her shifting convictions from pro-war to anti-war, her secrecy, her ruthlessness — are the same ones that make people willing to vote for a woman." May this not be true.

Matt Langdon over at The Hero Workshop recently interviewed me for his Hero Interviews.

He asked only two questions:

Who was your hero as a child and why?

Who are your heros today and why?

If you can believe it, I hadn't ever asked myself these questions, certainly not in a compare and contrast format.

My answers were surprising (the title is your hint), and thus revelatory, and I can't wait to share with you what I've learned.

In the meantime, who are your heros?

Lonely? How can you be lonely? You’ve got yourself, haven’t you? If you ever lose yourself, then you’ll really be lonely. Joseph Delaney

Whenever I attend PTA meetings I seem to volunteer for something.

A big something.

Last year, I volunteered to chair the Cultural Enrichment Committee; this year I'm also the Hospitality Chair.

Here's how things unfold.

The PTA president asks for volunteers.

Amidst the ensuing, and uncomfortable silence, my brain starts to run the script: good mothers volunteer at their children's school; over the years, I have volunteered far less than most because of my work schedule; I want to be a good mother; I want others to think I'm a good mother.

Impulsively, dare I say compulsively, I volunteer.

Five minutes later, I regret it.

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no?

Photo courtesy of Steve Santore aka Valentinian

Learning to say no, and thus exercise choice is Psyche's fourth and final task.

Before she can be reunited with Eros, Psyche must descend into the underworld to fill a box with beauty ointment. This journey is especially difficult because she encounters three people whose pleas for help she must not heed.

Setting a goal and pursuing it in the face of requests for help from others is especially difficult for women whose lives are focused on care giving. And yet, as we say no, we are learning to set boundaries, to exercise choice, and, paradoxically, can more capably say yes to relatedness and nurturing..

In his book The Power of a Positive No (thanks to Anna Giraldo-Kerr for her great summary), William Ury, writes:

I learned...[the importance of saying no] early on in my career from the...extraordinarily successful investor Warren Buffett. Over breakfast one day, he confided in me that the secret to creating his fortune was his ability to say No. "I sit there and look at investment proposals all day. I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one that is exactly what I am looking for. And then I say Yes. All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune." Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.

One more time, and with feeling -- Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.

For women these thousand Nos are particularly nettlesome, as they require us to move from an either/or mindset to both/and to do what Ury describes as "marrying the two must fundamental words in the language: Yes and No. Yes is the key word of connection (Psyche embarks on a hero's journey to say yes to Eros). No the key word of protection (Psyche says no to others to say yes to her self, her loved ones)."

"The secret to standing up for yourself and what you need without destroying precious relationships is to marry the two."

This is no easy task.

It wasn't for Psyche.

But isn't it worth saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

So that you can capably say yes to you, your relationships, your dream?

P.S. Yes, I am going to honor my commitment to chair the Hospitality Committee, but I'm going to take a page out Psyche's book and delegate.

For her third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. "To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons," writes Jean Shinoda Bolen.

Psyche’s ability to fill the flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal and to achieve that goal, avoiding the inevitable distractions.

Tomorrow I begin working full-time on one of my dreams. There are so many things that need to be done to get this business up-and-running (legal documentation, bank accounts, insurance, payroll, etc), the start-up tasks could easily occupy all my time. But, the fact is, these tasks are secondary. The primary task is to invest wisely and well the monies entrusted to us.

Would it be easier and less frightening to focus on secondary tasks?

Absolutely. I could probably even persuade myself they are primary tasks, and become distracted as Psyche no doubt did; fortunately the eagle was there to help.

Photo courtesy of David Watson aka astrothug

Do we get easily distracted when working toward goals?

Worse yet, do we even bother to set and achieve goals, to dare to dream?

Sadly, a lot of women don't. Because for many, if not most women, from the time we were young girls, we may have been placated, even pampered, but our dreams were subtly, if not overtly, discouraged.

Could this really be true -- you ask.

Just take a moment and ask yourself these questions:

When you compliment women and girls, what do you emphasize?

What about men and boys?

Would it be accurate to say that with women, we focus on their appearance, or how kind they are (e.g. giving something to someone else) and with men, we focus on accomplishments?

If you're still in doubt, over the next few hours, why not compliment women/girls on what they are accomplishing, and men/boys on how they look and what they do for others?

Feels kind of wierd, doesn't it? Which is why filling the flask isn't as easy as we might have supposed.

So, the next time you get that awkward little feeling as you're daring to dream, maybe, just maybe, it's not because the dream is bad or wrong, maybe it's because we haven't really dared for a while, if ever.

Happily, we're not alone as we dare -- the eagle's there.

What I wrote about Psyche's 2nd task last week just hasn't sat well; and so I'd like to share with you my amended and additional thoughts.

1)  Psyche doesn’t want power.  In my last entry, I implied that Psyche sought power, but she doesn't.  Gathering fleece off the brambles isn't simply a clever means of gaining power -- she doesn't want to be a power-broking, head-butting ram -- she's just doing what needs to be done to safeguard her husband.  Perhaps it's when we begin to seek power for power's sake that we become the ram in the field.

Can you think of a time when who got the credit was irrelevant; you only cared about getting the 'good thing' done?  Perhaps your children weren't getting what they needed at school.  Or maybe you had taken on a project to improve your school, community or church. 

As you dare to dream, is it accurate to say that you dream so as to safeguard your self?

Photo courtesy of Akimeth on Flickr 

2)  Acquiring the fleece is about dis-covering and being true to our selves, not about 'grabbing the ram by the horns'.  I wrote earlier that we don't want to be deemed a villainess, but the fact is, when we are really daring to dream, perceptions of us may not be universally favorable.

Let me give you an example. 

Several years ago, after having a very good year at work, I indicated to my bosses that it was important that I be paid well.  However, when I brought up the topic again a month or so later, he told me that I was being too demanding, and that I should stop asking.

When he said this, I was quite embarrassed.  Even though I had done my homework and knew I wasn't asking for something unreasonable, his telling me that I was demanding shut me down. Feminine women don't ask, and they certainly don't demand -- that's what power-grabbing villainesses do. 

Can you think of a time when you were 'daring to dream' and as you began to metamorphose into more of who you are, there were those who didn't like you?

3)   Psyche employs whatever type of power will best get the job done.  When Psyche sorts the seeds, her power is direct, and involves delegation to the mythological ants.  In acquiring the golden fleece, she employs informal power, attending to relationships, even as she achieves her objective.  In filling the crystal flask, she delegates to the eagle, as she did with the ants.  In the fourth and final task of obtaining beauty ointment, her power is direct, and must be carried out by her personally.

What power do you employ as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, neighbor, worker?  What power will best serve you as you dare to dream?

4)  Being a hero is about keeping our promises -- As Psyche embarks on this journey, she finds out very quickly that she is in over her head, becoming so fearful that she doesn't want to continue.  But she does.  And not particularly well, which makes her all the more compelling. 

As I first wrote about Psyche's 2nd Task, I wanted so badly to come up with a tidy 'here's what you can expect' formula for this task:  if we do X, then Y will happen. 

But Psyche's journey, and our daring to dream, is ultimately about the process, about walking into the unknown, and staying the course, no matter how afraid we are.  Because we've made a promise to others, and especially to our selves that we would.

What are your thoughts?  Where do you agree?  Disagree?

As Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she obtain golden fleece from aggressive, head-butting rams.

Her second task seems just as impossible as the first given the rams could easily trample her. However, the reeds in the field, as did the ants, come to her aid, advising her to wait until sundown. Once the rams disperse, she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

Photo courtesy of Peter Crunkhurn

Many women are quite adept at informal power, hence the saying "behind every great man is a great woman."

But have we learned how to wield formal power? And if we haven't, why not?

Is it because we were taught that feminine girls don't play with power?

There were many times in high school and college when I was relieved to learn that my test scores were lower than my boy friends. I was truly afraid that if I 'claimed my power', boys wouldn't like me. So, I played dumb.

The stories our society lives by reinforce this notion. Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada can butt heads with the best of the rams, as can Cruella de Vil. They're villainesses, you say? Precisely. You want to be a princess? Me too.

But I also want to grow up -- so where is the middle ground? It may be hard to find in film, literature, and even real life.

But to be the hero of our story, do it we must.

How do we wield power differently when we're the 'power behind the throne' versus 'the throne'?

For example, how do we wield power with children? Does this power corrupt us?

Can you think of a situation recently in which you didn't 'claim your power' (read: 'dare to achieve' in whatever form this may take) because you were afraid of what others would think of you?

What if you cloaked that claim with compassion, using it to be the see-er of others' strengths? Of their magnificence? To inspire them to their best selves?

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. Jean Shinoda Bolen

But do we really believe this?

We can quickly rattle off books/films that tell of men's heroic feats.

But of women? Not so fast. And what does the hero's journey of a woman (which is another way of saying -- what do we need to do to really grow up, and happily) look like anyway?

According to several Jungian psychologists, including Bolen, our journey looks a lot like the mythological Psyche's journey in which she takes on four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, not for adventure, but for a relationship. If, and when, she successfully completes these four tasks, she will be reunited with her husband Eros.

The first task? Sort the seeds.

Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before the next morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Photo courtesy of J. Panessa

In order to become the hero of our own story, we must sort the seeds of our possibilities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties. Where there are competing loyalties, there will be those who would dissaude us, potentially fueling the very fear we are trying to face down. However, the industrious collective of ants – our intuition – will help us gain courage and establish priorities, if we will let them.

As an example of one loyalty, have you ever asked yourself -- If I spend time pursuing my dream, instead of fully devoting myself to my husband, children, parents, neighborhood, etc., what will people think of me?

Good question.

Because thinking they will do, feedback they will provide, and quite possibly under the guise of a light-hearted joke. Maybe one that calls into question your femininity. If you were feminine, you would be focusing your attention on your husband's career, not on running a marathon, starting a business, learning to dance. If you were feminine you wouldn't neglect your children (they've had to eat top ramen all week, poor things) to pursue a dream.

When we are questioned, how do we respond?

Do we shut down our dream and go home? Or in the questioning, are naysayers actually helping us, rather than hindering, as they impel us to sift and sort even more?

If someone discourages the pursuit of our dream, what could be their agenda? Does it have anything to do with you? Or is it about them?

Consider another loyalty by asking yourself this question:

If I don't pursue my dream, will I eventually be resentful because I made it possible for my husband, children, etc to pursue their dreams, and now I feel that life has passed me by?

When you are in the midst of competing loyatlies, there's only one thing to do.

Call in reinforcements: your army of ants -- your intuition.

Because if in fact you want to be the hero of your story which requires that you attend to relationships AND pursue your dream, then you may need some help in figuring out how.

So sleep on it.

Set it aside for an hour, a day, a week, a month.

While the ants have a go at your pile of possibilities.

Together you'll sort it out.

What do Bewitched, Alias and The Lord of the Rings have in common?

Matt Langdon over at The Hero Workshop recently interviewed me for his Hero Interviews.

He asked only two questions:

Who was your hero as a child and why?

Who are your heros today and why?

If you can believe it, I hadn't ever asked myself these questions, certainly not in a compare and contrast format.

My answers were surprising (the title is your hint), and thus revelatory, and I can't wait to share with you what I've learned.

In the meantime, who are your heros?

Psyche's 4th Task: Learn to say no

Lonely? How can you be lonely? You’ve got yourself, haven’t you? If you ever lose yourself, then you’ll really be lonely. Joseph Delaney

Whenever I attend PTA meetings I seem to volunteer for something.

A big something.

Last year, I volunteered to chair the Cultural Enrichment Committee; this year I'm also the Hospitality Chair.

Here's how things unfold.

The PTA president asks for volunteers.

Amidst the ensuing, and uncomfortable silence, my brain starts to run the script: good mothers volunteer at their children's school; over the years, I have volunteered far less than most because of my work schedule; I want to be a good mother; I want others to think I'm a good mother.

Impulsively, dare I say compulsively, I volunteer.

Five minutes later, I regret it.

Have you ever said yes when you really wanted to say no?

Photo courtesy of Steve Santore aka Valentinian

Learning to say no, and thus exercise choice is Psyche's fourth and final task.

Before she can be reunited with Eros, Psyche must descend into the underworld to fill a box with beauty ointment. This journey is especially difficult because she encounters three people whose pleas for help she must not heed.

Setting a goal and pursuing it in the face of requests for help from others is especially difficult for women whose lives are focused on care giving. And yet, as we say no, we are learning to set boundaries, to exercise choice, and, paradoxically, can more capably say yes to relatedness and nurturing..

In his book The Power of a Positive No (thanks to Anna Giraldo-Kerr for her great summary), William Ury, writes:

I learned...[the importance of saying no] early on in my career from the...extraordinarily successful investor Warren Buffett. Over breakfast one day, he confided in me that the secret to creating his fortune was his ability to say No. "I sit there and look at investment proposals all day. I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one that is exactly what I am looking for. And then I say Yes. All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune." Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.

One more time, and with feeling -- Every important Yes requires a thousand Nos.

For women these thousand Nos are particularly nettlesome, as they require us to move from an either/or mindset to both/and to do what Ury describes as "marrying the two must fundamental words in the language: Yes and No. Yes is the key word of connection (Psyche embarks on a hero's journey to say yes to Eros). No the key word of protection (Psyche says no to others to say yes to her self, her loved ones)."

"The secret to standing up for yourself and what you need without destroying precious relationships is to marry the two."

This is no easy task.

It wasn't for Psyche.

But isn't it worth saying no, no, no, no, no, no, no...

So that you can capably say yes to you, your relationships, your dream?

P.S. Yes, I am going to honor my commitment to chair the Hospitality Committee, but I'm going to take a page out Psyche's book and delegate.

Psyche's 3rd Task: Fill the flask

For her third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. "To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons," writes Jean Shinoda Bolen.

Psyche’s ability to fill the flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal and to achieve that goal, avoiding the inevitable distractions.

Tomorrow I begin working full-time on one of my dreams. There are so many things that need to be done to get this business up-and-running (legal documentation, bank accounts, insurance, payroll, etc), the start-up tasks could easily occupy all my time. But, the fact is, these tasks are secondary. The primary task is to invest wisely and well the monies entrusted to us.

Would it be easier and less frightening to focus on secondary tasks?

Absolutely. I could probably even persuade myself they are primary tasks, and become distracted as Psyche no doubt did; fortunately the eagle was there to help.

Photo courtesy of David Watson aka astrothug

Do we get easily distracted when working toward goals?

Worse yet, do we even bother to set and achieve goals, to dare to dream?

Sadly, a lot of women don't. Because for many, if not most women, from the time we were young girls, we may have been placated, even pampered, but our dreams were subtly, if not overtly, discouraged.

Could this really be true -- you ask.

Just take a moment and ask yourself these questions:

When you compliment women and girls, what do you emphasize?

What about men and boys?

Would it be accurate to say that with women, we focus on their appearance, or how kind they are (e.g. giving something to someone else) and with men, we focus on accomplishments?

If you're still in doubt, over the next few hours, why not compliment women/girls on what they are accomplishing, and men/boys on how they look and what they do for others?

Feels kind of wierd, doesn't it? Which is why filling the flask isn't as easy as we might have supposed.

So, the next time you get that awkward little feeling as you're daring to dream, maybe, just maybe, it's not because the dream is bad or wrong, maybe it's because we haven't really dared for a while, if ever.

Happily, we're not alone as we dare -- the eagle's there.

Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task

What I wrote about Psyche's 2nd task last week just hasn't sat well; and so I'd like to share with you my amended and additional thoughts.

1)  Psyche doesn’t want power.  In my last entry, I implied that Psyche sought power, but she doesn't.  Gathering fleece off the brambles isn't simply a clever means of gaining power -- she doesn't want to be a power-broking, head-butting ram -- she's just doing what needs to be done to safeguard her husband.  Perhaps it's when we begin to seek power for power's sake that we become the ram in the field.

Can you think of a time when who got the credit was irrelevant; you only cared about getting the 'good thing' done?  Perhaps your children weren't getting what they needed at school.  Or maybe you had taken on a project to improve your school, community or church. 

As you dare to dream, is it accurate to say that you dream so as to safeguard your self?

Photo courtesy of Akimeth on Flickr 

2)  Acquiring the fleece is about dis-covering and being true to our selves, not about 'grabbing the ram by the horns'.  I wrote earlier that we don't want to be deemed a villainess, but the fact is, when we are really daring to dream, perceptions of us may not be universally favorable.

Let me give you an example. 

Several years ago, after having a very good year at work, I indicated to my bosses that it was important that I be paid well.  However, when I brought up the topic again a month or so later, he told me that I was being too demanding, and that I should stop asking.

When he said this, I was quite embarrassed.  Even though I had done my homework and knew I wasn't asking for something unreasonable, his telling me that I was demanding shut me down. Feminine women don't ask, and they certainly don't demand -- that's what power-grabbing villainesses do. 

Can you think of a time when you were 'daring to dream' and as you began to metamorphose into more of who you are, there were those who didn't like you?

3)   Psyche employs whatever type of power will best get the job done.  When Psyche sorts the seeds, her power is direct, and involves delegation to the mythological ants.  In acquiring the golden fleece, she employs informal power, attending to relationships, even as she achieves her objective.  In filling the crystal flask, she delegates to the eagle, as she did with the ants.  In the fourth and final task of obtaining beauty ointment, her power is direct, and must be carried out by her personally.

What power do you employ as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, neighbor, worker?  What power will best serve you as you dare to dream?

4)  Being a hero is about keeping our promises -- As Psyche embarks on this journey, she finds out very quickly that she is in over her head, becoming so fearful that she doesn't want to continue.  But she does.  And not particularly well, which makes her all the more compelling. 

As I first wrote about Psyche's 2nd Task, I wanted so badly to come up with a tidy 'here's what you can expect' formula for this task:  if we do X, then Y will happen. 

But Psyche's journey, and our daring to dream, is ultimately about the process, about walking into the unknown, and staying the course, no matter how afraid we are.  Because we've made a promise to others, and especially to our selves that we would.

What are your thoughts?  Where do you agree?  Disagree?

Psyche's 2nd Task: Obtain golden fleece

As Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she obtain golden fleece from aggressive, head-butting rams.

Her second task seems just as impossible as the first given the rams could easily trample her. However, the reeds in the field, as did the ants, come to her aid, advising her to wait until sundown. Once the rams disperse, she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

Photo courtesy of Peter Crunkhurn

Many women are quite adept at informal power, hence the saying "behind every great man is a great woman."

But have we learned how to wield formal power? And if we haven't, why not?

Is it because we were taught that feminine girls don't play with power?

There were many times in high school and college when I was relieved to learn that my test scores were lower than my boy friends. I was truly afraid that if I 'claimed my power', boys wouldn't like me. So, I played dumb.

The stories our society lives by reinforce this notion. Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada can butt heads with the best of the rams, as can Cruella de Vil. They're villainesses, you say? Precisely. You want to be a princess? Me too.

But I also want to grow up -- so where is the middle ground? It may be hard to find in film, literature, and even real life.

But to be the hero of our story, do it we must.

How do we wield power differently when we're the 'power behind the throne' versus 'the throne'?

For example, how do we wield power with children? Does this power corrupt us?

Can you think of a situation recently in which you didn't 'claim your power' (read: 'dare to achieve' in whatever form this may take) because you were afraid of what others would think of you?

What if you cloaked that claim with compassion, using it to be the see-er of others' strengths? Of their magnificence? To inspire them to their best selves?

Psyche's 1st Task: Sort the seeds

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. Jean Shinoda Bolen

But do we really believe this?

We can quickly rattle off books/films that tell of men's heroic feats.

But of women? Not so fast. And what does the hero's journey of a woman (which is another way of saying -- what do we need to do to really grow up, and happily) look like anyway?

According to several Jungian psychologists, including Bolen, our journey looks a lot like the mythological Psyche's journey in which she takes on four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, not for adventure, but for a relationship. If, and when, she successfully completes these four tasks, she will be reunited with her husband Eros.

The first task? Sort the seeds.

Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before the next morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Photo courtesy of J. Panessa

In order to become the hero of our own story, we must sort the seeds of our possibilities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties. Where there are competing loyalties, there will be those who would dissaude us, potentially fueling the very fear we are trying to face down. However, the industrious collective of ants – our intuition – will help us gain courage and establish priorities, if we will let them.

As an example of one loyalty, have you ever asked yourself -- If I spend time pursuing my dream, instead of fully devoting myself to my husband, children, parents, neighborhood, etc., what will people think of me?

Good question.

Because thinking they will do, feedback they will provide, and quite possibly under the guise of a light-hearted joke. Maybe one that calls into question your femininity. If you were feminine, you would be focusing your attention on your husband's career, not on running a marathon, starting a business, learning to dance. If you were feminine you wouldn't neglect your children (they've had to eat top ramen all week, poor things) to pursue a dream.

When we are questioned, how do we respond?

Do we shut down our dream and go home? Or in the questioning, are naysayers actually helping us, rather than hindering, as they impel us to sift and sort even more?

If someone discourages the pursuit of our dream, what could be their agenda? Does it have anything to do with you? Or is it about them?

Consider another loyalty by asking yourself this question:

If I don't pursue my dream, will I eventually be resentful because I made it possible for my husband, children, etc to pursue their dreams, and now I feel that life has passed me by?

When you are in the midst of competing loyatlies, there's only one thing to do.

Call in reinforcements: your army of ants -- your intuition.

Because if in fact you want to be the hero of your story which requires that you attend to relationships AND pursue your dream, then you may need some help in figuring out how.

So sleep on it.

Set it aside for an hour, a day, a week, a month.

While the ants have a go at your pile of possibilities.

Together you'll sort it out.