Throw down your pom-poms

The older I get, the greater power I seem to have to help the world. Susan B. Anthony

Last week I spoke to a group of teenaged women (ages 13-17) as part of a “go-for-your life-goals” pep rally. As I prepared to pep the girls, I couldn’t help but recall my early days on Wall Street.

I had just started working as a sales assistant at Smith Barney’s 6th Avenue office on the 21st floor, in Manhattan. Near my desk there was what we called a bullpen, where a bunch of newly recruited stockbrokers (who were mostly men) sat and were trying to open a certain number of accounts per week via cold calling and sell a certain dollar amount in stocks.

In this locker room for twenty-something guys, testosterone ran high, and there was intense pressure to meet their quotas. These guys, faced with a lot of hellos followed by the dial tone, inevitably went for the hard-sell. One expression I liked was: “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist….to know that buying this stock makes sense.” Another expression they’d use on waffling male prospects was, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

At the time, I took offense at this turn of phrase. I had been a cheerleader in high school. I had aspired to be a cheerleader. I loved being a cheerleader. It was an important part of my identity in high school. And here they were saying cheerleading didn’t matter.

But the older I get, the more I find myself wanting to say to my daughter and to all women, “Throw down your pom poms and get in the game.”

Let me share what I mean.

Some months ago, I read an article in the Harvard Business Review by Anna Fels, a psychiatrist at Cornell University, titled, “Do Women Lack Ambition?” After interviewing dozens of successful women, Dr. Fels observed that when these “women told their own story, they refused to claim a central, purposeful place.”

Were Fels to interview you, how would you tell your story? Are you using language that would suggest you are the supporting actress in your own life? For example, when someone offers words of appreciation about a dinner you have prepared, or a class you’ve taught, or an event you have organized and executed, brilliantly. Do you gracefully say, “thank you.” Or do you say, “You are so sweet. It was nothing really.”

As Fels tried to understand why women refuse to be the heroes of their own stories, she encountered the Bem Sex-Role Inventory which indicated that our society considers a woman to be feminine only within the context of a relationship and if she is giving something to someone, such as recognition. It is no wonder then that a “feminine” woman finds it difficult to get in the game, to demand support to pursue her goals, and feels selfish when she doesn’t subordinate her needs to others.

In high school there was a boy I liked a lot, actually my first true love. I was smart. He was smart. But we were both very relieved to see at the end of the first semester of our sophomore year that he had higher grades than I did.

My freshman year in college there was a young man who I was friendly with. He was not my boyfriend, but nonetheless, I remember feeling relieved when I received a 96 on a test, and he received a 98. Somehow I sensed that if I did better than him, it would upset the equilibrium of our relationship.

More recently, one of my friends who is in her mid-20’s and who just started attending Harvard Business School told me about her study group which consists of four men and two women. All are expected to contribute, and are graded on the quality of their participation in the group. The other woman in the group, who was initially quite involved, began to withdraw after the first two weeks because the men had begun to ostracize her.

Again quoting Fels, “A key type of discrimination that women face is the expectation that feminine women will forfeit opportunities for recognition…When women do speak as much as men in a work situation or compete for high-visibility positions, their femininity is assailed.”

By the way, when I was 8, I had no trouble at all going to competing with Scott McAdams on multiplication drills. He and I were continually vying for the title of fastest and smartest – Oh, I took great pride in beating him.

The point of my musings is not to say that relatedness and nurturing and cheering others on aren’t important. I absolutely 100% believe these qualities are innate in women – and if we set them aside, we will have lost an irreplaceable piece of ourselves. But contrary to what others may suggest, “getting in the game” is also a part of who we are. When we recognize this, we give ourselves permission to dream, to move ourselves to the center of our life story, and to encourage the girls and women around us to do the same.

One of my readers recently shared with me the story of two women who have gotten in the game. Eden Jarrin and Heidi Baker are confident in their ability to create a better living space and want other women Do-it-yourselfers (DIYers) to feel equally confident. Thank you for sharing the link to their website www.bejane.com. Eden and Heidi -- Atta girls!

Get in your Game.

Comments

[Kathleen Turley]

Rock on!

When I was in high school I too was a cheerleader (there it is, for the record- I rarely admit this). It was also requisite that, as cheerleaders, we be enrolled in a cheer class during the school day so that we'd have enough time to practice. But I was not only a cheerleader, I was involved in a lot of other activities as well: I was a starting fullback (3 years) on the Varsity soccer team, and team captain; I was offered the opportunity to do the choreography for the school musical that year; I was taking classes concurrently at the local state college to earn college credit; and more. All these latter things I saw as good as they developed parts of me I treasure still today.

Late one fall, during my senior year, I was told that I needed to cheerlead for the girl's soccer team that week. I was told by my cheer coach that I needed to withdraw myself as a player from that particular game to "support the team." When I told my cheer coach that I felt the best way I could support the team was to take my place on the field she became very upset and told me that "our place" is on the sideline. She then raised the issue of my attendance of the local state college and that, because I had a release from the first hour of school, I was not "officially" a full-time student and she questioned what kind of example I was because a cheerleader should be at her high-school supporting it and not attending college early. She made it clear that she was upset with my extracurricular activities that took me away from cheerleading. This took me by surprise because I had never been late or missed anything. This particular (and important) play-off soccer game, near the end of the semester, was the first conflict.

I did play that game and our team did well. We advanced in the play-offs only to lose the next game and be eliminated (you can't win them all)- but I was awarded "All-State" in soccer my senior year. It was a great honor. Another result of this was that at the end of the semester I received a "C" in cheerleading class for not cheering at that one soccer game, and wearing the wrong shoes to practice once (full grade drop for each)! This took me off the honor roll that semester and scarred a report card of straight A's.

"Our Place" is where we define it to be. No one has the right to determine who we are. That is between God and ourselves coupled with our work and our vision. We "support the team" (i.e. the world), when we are true to who we really are and reach for the full-potential we have as daughters of God!

The wonderful thing about being a woman is that there is a time and a place and a season to cheer and support, and there is a time to put aside the pom-poms and join the game! Sacrifices will always have to be made but our potential and ability to dream and work must not be thrown away.