dare to dream

Learning to say no

We can’t ever REALLY say yes, until we learn to say no. Attributed to Oprah Winfrey

Recently a headhunter e-mailed me asking me if I had interest in returning to Wall Street as a sell-side equity analyst. I politely declined – I’ve moved on, am taking my career in another direction.

A few days later, he e-mailed me again. “We think you’d be perfect. You could not only follow the stocks, maybe also you could manage the group.”

They want me, they really want me.

Oh, it feels so good to be wanted.

And so, rather than saying no immediately, I relished this feeling of being wanted a little longer than I needed to – when ultimately I knew my answer would be no.

And, the fact is that even allowing myself this one-day dalliance with the thought of “they like me” means I have, in some small way, closed the door on my new tasks, my own daring to dream.

Here we've dramatically downsized our lives, tightened our belts, and have lived through what have been two years of uncertainty, because we are daring to dream.

Why would I dally for even a moment?

Because it feels SOOO good to be wanted.

For you it may not be a job offer, but someone asking you to chair a volunteer committee – just one more assignment. Just one more speech. Or babysit one more time.

Do you remember Psyche’s fourth task on her hero’s journey?

Psyche must learn to say no, which in essence is learning to exercise choice. And for women whose lives are focused on care giving, actively choosing and saying “no” is especially difficult.

But as we practice saying no, Psyche and all of us are saying, this is my story. I am the hero. I will not be imposed upon or diverted as I set about to accomplish my goals. Because we cannot accomplish what we set out to do, or determine our life course until we learn to say no.

What can you say no to today?

When you say no, is it uncomfortable, awkward? Remember when we are making room for an emerging piece of our identity, it will initially feel like we're losing something. So, if you feel just a wee bit awkward, you are probably on the right track!

Is there something you want to say no to, but you haven't yet because it feels good to be wanted?

Most importantly, by saying no, what dream will you be saying yes to?

Sort the seeds

You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself. Alan Alda

Caterina Bandini, the former lead news anchor at Channel 7 in Boston, has just embarked on a hero's journey.

Her call to adventure? The birth of twin daughters Olivia and Kate.

Link: From the TV anchor desk to the crib: Caterina Bandini talks openly about her toughest assignment - The Boston Globe.

As I read this Boston Globe interview, I couldn't help but think of the myth of Pscyhe who undertook the hero's journey -- and remember it wasn't because she was thirsting for adventure, but out of love for her family.

Do you remember her first task?

Sort the seeds.

Psyche must sort through a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Caterina Bandini has a similar task. Having left her former life, she must now sort and sift through possibilities, establishing personal priorities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties. In other words, she is sorting the seeds. And, if she's willing, the industrious collective of ants – her intuition – can help her establish her priorities and clarity will emerge.

Faced with the daunting task of sifting through possibilities, Ms. Bandini, like Psyche, may be experiencing some fear (likely exacerbated by lack of sleep, possibly even post-partum depression), at the start of her hero's journey.

But just as Psyche eventually sorted the seeds, so too can Caterina sift and sort, eventually settling on the possibilities that are both right for her family (which is why she embarked on the journey in the first place), and for her.

Her remark "I know I made the right choice for my babies. I know I made the right choice for my husband. But there are days when I wonder, did I make the right choice for me?" suggests she's off to a good start.

We wish you well.

And Caterina, always remember -- It's your story. Be the hero.

Have you recently had a turn of events that is requiring you to sort and sift through possibilities?

Once you've gotten all the information you can, what does it feel like to just wait -- and trust -- that you will eventually figure out your best course of action?

Three cheers for oxytocin

Women under stress release the hormone oxytocin which encourages us to make and maintain friendships with other women. UCLA Study on Friendship Among Women – Gale Berkowitz

Two weeks ago I had one of those moments (well, days) when I cried, and I cried, and then I cried some more. Yes, it was after the interaction during which I had felt more like a meal ticket than a mentee. I was so gut-wrenchingly sad that, apart from the meltdown my husband was privy to, I tried to avoid contact with anyone that I know, and sought refuge at the local Borders.

In the book, The Price of Privilege, Madeline Levine titles a chapter: “Having everything except what we need most: The isolation of affluent moms.” She writes, “Experienced clinicians find an unexpectedly high amount of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and plain old unhappiness among well-to-do mothers.” (She is defining well-to-do as income of $120k plus per year). Continuing:

While affluent moms can be many things: bright, competitive, persistent, protective, interesting and funny. They are not vulnerable – at least not publicly. Vulnerability is a kind of admission, of hurt feelings, of neediness, of things not going well.

Hmmm.

Not wanting, but wanting some contact, even comfort, I sent an e-mail to one of my friends outlining what had happened. When she first tried to call, I didn't pick up. But when she persisted (which can sometimes be quite difficult in the face of possible rejection), I finally screwed up my courage, and answered the phone. Yes, courage. Because I was afraid that in recounting my experience I would again unravel, cry, and appear vulnerable, even needy. And, well, neither of us really needs Madeline Levine to tell us what we already know is true -- appearing vulnerable does take courage.

Here’s what was interesting.

As we spoke, I shared how I was feeling, how sad I was, and after my friend listened for at least 10 minutes, she said something akin to “That’s really hard.” In other words, no profound words of wisdom were asked for, needed, or even wanted.

But because she listened, and I knew that she cared – well, I felt better.

Not just a little better.

A lot better.

In his editorial Of Human Bonding, New York Times columnist David Brooks writes, “I’m not trying to reduce all human relationships to one hormone. But I am trying to emphasize the importance of human attachments. In the policy world, we debate how to improve productivity, competitiveness, education… but often it’s the space between individuals that really matters. Everything we’re learning about the brain confirms Adam Smith’s observation that the ‘chief part of human happiness arises from the consciousness of being beloved.' So maybe it’s time to focus a little less on individual capacities and more on nurturing attachment."

If our sisterhood can buoy us up on a bad day simply because of how we are hard-wired, just think of the possibilities on a good day. Because of the chemical connection to one another, this feel-good hormone multiplies as we share our dreams and help each other pursue them (SYSTERGY!). As discussed in Identity Crisis, it won’t be easy – we can only really connect when we are willing to be vulnerable, but when we do, we bridge ourselves to a much happier place.

Make that fours cheers for oxytocin!

Can you think of a time recently when you were sad or anxious about something, and you were able to share with a caring friend -- did you feel better?

Was it difficult initially to let her in?

Or what about when you've gone to lunch with a friend, and come home energized simply because you were able to listen and share?

Did you almost cancel the outing or wonder if you actually had time to go in the first place?

Fly me to the moon

Some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Garth Brooks

After I wrote about American Idol contestant Melinda Doolittle, my friend Vanessa posed the question: “What about Ashanti Johnson – she wanted to be the American Idol so badly. What happens when you dare to dream, and your dream is dashed?”

Vanessa’s question gave me pause, but now I have an answer.

Let’s take another look at the Hero’s Journey. The Call to Adventure is a crisis of any kind which the hero can choose to run from or face; the overarching purpose of the hero’s journey is to be a different, better person at the conclusion of the experience.

Is it possible that for Ashanti her failure to win on American Idol, the “no,” is her Call to Adventure, a crisis that she now gets to face or run from?

Or is this part of her Road of Trials, a succession of experiences which, if we survive, amplifies our consciousness?

Having had the experience of wanting something and not getting it, if faced well, will it prepare Ashanti for an unexpected, but better-for-her boon?

Let me share.

My senior year in college, I decided that I wanted to be a flight attendant. I distinctly remember sitting in my musicology class sharing with my classmates that the very next day I would be flying to Dallas for an interview. I even remember what I wore – a lime green suit. I was educated, spoke Spanish, interviewed well. I not only didn't get hired, I didn't even get a call back. I was really and truly disappointed. So disappointed. How could things have happened this way? I was sure that this career path was my Call to Adventure.

Nearly twenty years later, there are a million reasons to be grateful for that “no” answer. Whether it was my Call to Adventure, along my Road of Trials or a little of both, in responding to the call and facing the trial, I had to look for other career opportunities. Which eventually led to a career on Wall Street, and the unexpected opportunity to discover more of who I am.

In reading Anna Kerr’s blog about Jennifer Hudson, I wonder if Jennifer Hudson has had similar feelings to mine. She wanted to be the next American Idol, but in a surprise turn of events she placed sixth in 2005. After her “no,” she auditioned for and won an amazing role in the film Dreamgirls, and has been nominated for an Academy Award. Two years later, she's probably ok, even happy, that she didn't win American Idol.

And so while we may sometimes dream of being this or that, of flying to Manhattan or Mongolia, often there are much grander plans afoot, journeys that will ultimately be much better for us – liking flying to the moon.

Can you think of something that you really wanted and didn't get?

More importantly, in what way was your "no" a Call to Adventure or along your Road of Trials?

What was the eventual unexpected boon?

Leah leaves the building

To realize their dreams, women need to understand why they are willing to walk away from them. Anna Fels

It took a nanosecond -- less than a nanosecond.

I had just read: “O, the Oprah Magazine, announces a contest for 50 lucky women to win a spa vacation with Oprah Winfrey, filled with life lessons and little indulgences at Miraval Resort, Tucson.”

And almost before I could form the thought, “What an amazing experience; I’m going to enter,” one of those ne'er-do-well thoughts pounced, which was:

"I can’t."

Why? Does it cost money to enter?

Yep. About a dollar when I include postage.

Ok, so not really. Or at least it doesn’t have to cost much.

So why not enter? Are you embarrassed to say that you like Oprah?

How can I not like a fairy godmother?

Why then? Can you not figure out what to say on the postcard?

I guess I could just tell the truth. Something like “who wouldn’t want to spend 5 days and 4 nights with 49 women from whom I can learn and delight in, all the while observing Oprah, Gayle et al up close and personal?”

So I guess I do know what to say.

By this time I’ve peeled back so many onion layers of excuses, I’m on the verge of tears, but ready to get to the real why. Which is: I don’t think it’s okay to ask for what I want. Asking for what I want can be almost unbearably uncomfortable; the more I want something, the greater the discomfort.

Anna Fels writes: “In both the public and the private spheres…women are facing the reality that in order to be seen as feminine, they must provide or relinquish resources –including recognition—to others.” She continues, “the expectation is so deeply rooted in the culture’s ideals of femininity that it is largely unconscious.”

Maybe it’s also because no matter how successful I become, I just can’t quite believe that I’m Rachel and that I can ask for what I want. No matter how far I’ve come, Leah’s still lurking inside me.

Once I figured this out, the gauntlet had been thrown down, and I had to enter the contest.

Will I be sad if I’m not chosen from the possible 100,000+ women that enter the contest?

Of course, I’ll be sad.

But I'll be more happy than sad - because for a brief moment, Leah has left the building.

P.S. Here's the pOstcard: Thanks to Mallika Sundaramurthy, a talented up-and-coming artist, for bringing my idea to life!

Triangulating on our story

Stories gather up parts of us and put them together in a way that gives our lives greater meaning than they had before we told our story. Robert Atkinson

Valerie Atkisson is telling her story in a most marvelous way. A visual artist by training, with a Master of Fine Arts degree from the School of Visual Arts in New York, Valerie has given voice to her story over the past decade by depicting the stories of her ancestors, and ultimately herself, through her artwork.

Of Valerie's Hanging Family History, made of copper wire and rice paper, and which was on exhibit at the D.U.M.B.O. Arts Center, New York City in 2000, author Amy Howell Jameson writes: “each triangle is an ancestor, linked together at the corners, parents connected to children…Valerie’s name is on the triangle at the very top, and she holds her entire known genealogy below her, over 5,000 names."

There is also Valerie’s Matriarchal Line, 1999, portraits painted first on paper, then directly on walls, which traces the stories of her grandmothers, and their grandmothers, with a delightful painting of herself as a young girl. As we dare to dream, we can thank our ancestors, in part, for the unique talents and gifts that help us piece ourselves together.

When asked about the inspiration for her artwork, Valerie writes, “[Growing up] I didn’t feel like I had one place that I was from. There was not a house or place that I could [call home]. But I knew a lot about whom I was from, and I had been to the places that they were from.” (In knowing this, Johnson Home, Trondheim Norway, 2001, a watercolor of an ancestral home, becomes more meaningful for her and for us). Summarizing, Valerie writes:

My art traces my lineage, a journey of generations, going back 2000 years, my identity [having been] shaped piece by piece by these 5,000 individuals.

As you take a closer look at the detail of Hanging Family History, imagine your name, instead of Valerie’s, on the tip-top triangle. How do you feel?

Is there a particular ancestor with whom you identify? Is it because you have a gift or talent in common? Is it a gift you will tap into as you dare to dream?

What stories do you need to tell to make meaning of your life?

Changing the world

Katrina van Overbeke just shared with me the website www.change.org, a social network for hundreds of social causes and over 1 million nonprofit organizations. When I went to the site and clicked on the tag Empower Women, it took me to an article, which quoted Muhammad Yunus, the recent winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, as saying, "The more women are empowered, the more fundamentalism is weakened."

Link: Change.org.

Having been on the advisory board of a micro-finance institution in Latin America, I am a strong proponent of micro-finance. As women have the opportunity to bootstrap their way out of poverty, they not only become active members in their community, their children are able to stay in school, thus making potentially even greater contributions to society. To consider the possibility that micro-finance can also be a catalyst for widespread social change is simply breathtaking.

But what does this have to do with you and me and 'dare to dream'?

Everything.

The Intellectual Immigration Fund is, after all, patterned after the micro-finance model, only the deposits and withdrawals are in the form of intellectual capital and encouragement, rather than monies.

And whereas no one will argue with me that in places like the U.S., Canada, and Europe, monies are in relatively ready supply, given the apparent rampant depression in the U.S. (whose root is often repressed anger), I would argue that the ability to trust ourselves, to encourage one another, to move to the center of our lives, is not.

Just think.

If each one of us began to actively make deposits in the Intellectual Immigration Fund, mentoring one another, being the see-er of one another's magnificence until we can see it for ourselves, how many more of us would move to the center of our lives?

And, when we are at the center of our lives -- as an individual, a spouse, a parent, a daughter, a friend -- we are changing the world.

That is indeed breathtaking!

An artist of encouragement

The mentor’s spirit is that productive liberating power that heartens us to….develop into our best selves, [the] who we were born to be. Marsha Sinetar

Now that it’s been almost two weeks, I’m ready to share.

In late 2005, I started taking voice lessons because I wanted to find my literal (and my figurative) voice. Though I am quite competent on the piano, I am neither gifted nor trained vocally. But the quest merits the effort, and thus, I persist.

My lessons were moving along swimmingly until my teacher announced that there would be a vocal recital in April. So keen was I to participate that when the e-mail announcement came around, I impulsively hit the “reply to all” button, notifying my teacher and all her students that I wanted to participate.

But guess what?

When I arrived at my next lesson, she was quite reluctant about my participating in the recital. Never saying no outright, she simply did her best to dissuade me. Fresh off the Ruff Ruffman auditions, I was acutely observant of my teacher’s response – and while her discouraging me could have been to protect me from embarrassment, my interpretation was - she thinks I’m really bad.

Things got worse from there.

A week later, still feeling a bit unraveled, I cancelled my next lesson. When I did so (mind you, 48 hours in advance), she indicated that I had cancelled too many lessons without rescheduling – and that she needed to make a living. Not realizing that this was an issue, I quickly said "my bad" and promised to pay for the missed lessons.

But I was devastated.

Because this e-mail seemed to confirm that she didn’t really have a vision for me, that money was her first priority, and my desire to find my voice was by comparison inconsequential. Not to mention the fact that I wondered, “Am I really so hopeless as a singer that she doesn’t want me to sing in the recital?”

With my tears now dry, I am grateful for this hard bought lesson on the art of encouragement.

For I now KNOW at a very, very deep level that when you or I teach/mentor/make deposits into the Intellectual Immigration fund, though the deposit will, in part, be about us (what do I get for what I give?), the primary reason for mentoring -- whether a stranger, friend, or even a child -- must be because we see something magnificent in her that she can’t yet see, and that we are here, in this moment, to be her see-er until she can be her own.

It just must.

I’ll end with where I began – Marsha Sinetar – “Anyone who intuits our life’s essential vision or themes and somehow affirms these so that we can reach out for them is an artist, an artist of encouragement.”

And when we do encourage another’s best self, becoming an artist of encouragement – well, just think of the masterpieces yet to be wrought, the stories to be recorded and shared…

When you have been with someone that prompts your best self – how do you feel?

For example, Lorna Rousseau, my personal trainer at the gym does an amazing job of encouraging me (sometimes pushing/sometimes pulling) toward physical well-being. I always leave a workout session feeling better no matter my mood when I walk in. My children's school teachers, karate and gymnastics coaches are true artists of encouragement.

Or what about the half dozen people in your life that whenever you see or hear from them, they say something that allows you to see your best self?

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to encourage someone within your sphere of influence to be her best self?

Who are the people in your life that you are mentoring or teaching right now, whether professionally or on a volunteer basis? How does this feel?

Are you excited enough about his/her magnificence that the deposits you make on their behalf can be more about them than you?

If your heart doesn’t extend to this person, do you need to find a way to have a change of heart? Or is this simply a signal that both you (the mentor) and the mentee could find more productive, learning relationships elsewhere?