dare to dream

Pscyhe and choice

When one of my friends first told me about her her big idea, she said that she'd had ideas before, but hadn't pursued them due to a lack of resources. My immediate, somewhat cavalier, response was -- of course there are resources available to make a dream happen, especially in the developed markets. You just have to be willing to go after them.

Well, within weeks, I came to rue my brief moment on the soap box. I needed to make a decision as to whether to allocate resources to me, to my education and training, to Whitney, Inc., if you will. And to my surprise, I found myself balking, stressing really, over this investment. Should I make it? Isn't this risky? The timing and probabilty of a return on an investment is so uncertain.

Hmmm. Maybe it's not as simple as -- if you can dream it, you can do it.

I encourage all that come within my orbit to dare to dream; I'm even willing to consider investing time and money in someone else's dream, and I won't invest in Whitney, Inc.?

So, I tried to pass the choice-making buck, by getting my husband to tell me not to spend the money.

His response? Spend what you need to spend.

Which is when I really began to squirm: double binds do that.

Here's how I saw it.

If I choose to allocate resources to Whitney, Inc., then I feel I am sacrificing my femininity, because society tells me I'm only feminine when I'm giving something to someone else. But if I don't invest in me, if I don't dream, won't I be desperate and depressed?

Happily Psyche's fourth task illustrates that what I thought was a double bind, is actually a double find, for while she must temporarily say no, as she learns to exercise choice, she is learning to yes -- in perpetuity -- not only to herself, but to her loved ones.

Jungian psychologist Jean Shinoda Bolen summarizes:

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. She is the leading lady in her own life story on a journey that begins at birth and continues through her lifetime. Though life is full of unchosen circumstances, there are always moments of decision. To be a heroine, she must act as if her choices matter.

So -- you ask -- Will I say yes to Whitney, Inc.?

I'm scared, but I will.

But enough about me.

Will you say yes to you?

As you consider a dream that you want to pursue, what resources are at your disposal? If expertise and/or money are not readily available, do you have a skill which could be bartered? Think Intellectual Immigration Fund. Most importantly, are you surrounding yourself with people that will encourage you, that will be your heroes of support?

Can you think of a time when you wanted to do something, but almost didn’t because you felt guilty? Or were scared? How did you feel afterward? Did you find that by saying yes to yourself, you were in fact, saying yes to your family and friends?

What IF?

My favorite thing is to go where I've never been. Diane Arbus

Every once in awhile I come home from an event, so thrilled by my discoveries of new people and ideas that I ask myself -- what if I hadn't gone? What IF I had only imagined and never explored?

This happened to me last week.

As I was driving home from New York, I kept thinking -- what if I hadn't gone to the BlogHer Business 07 conference?

It was there that I discovered Nelly Yusupova who can build a website that I need built, and teach how technology can be harnessed to help me, and in turn you, dare to dream. I also discovered Carmen Van Kerckhove, a 30 year-old Belgian-Chinese woman, whose blog has been a vehicle for finding her voice.

Then there was Elise Bauer, one of the WSJ's twenty hidden influencers of the web. Elise is doing precisely what Psyche's journey encourages us to do: embarking on a hero's journey because of and for relationships. Elise's technological expertise has allowed her to share recipes with millions of readers each month, which recipes can bring people together, whether families or communities, through the sharing of a meal.

And finally, had I not gone to New York, Elisa Camahort, one of BlogHer's co-founders, couldn't have shared with me the Pew Internet & American Life Project's finding that roughly 50% of all bloggers are blog-hers. Women may be under-represented in the press, film, and television, but we are not under-represented in the wide, wide world of blogs.

Which of course makes sense.

Because of the ease of blogging (have computer, can publish -- no rules to play by or political waters to navigate), many who would never have dreamed of being published in the world of old media, are now pointing, clicking and publishing here in the blogosphere.

As we blog, we are writing about who we are, what we care about, and we are finding our voices.

And telling our stories.

And we're the hero.

Have you had an experience recently during which the discovery of new people or ideas was so thrilling that you found yourself wondering, what if I hadn't shown up?

If you know that you want to write, but writing and publishing a book is too daunting for the moment, why not write-by-installment via a blog?

Storytime

"I am walking for my mom who was my icon and for my girls who are my world," writes my friend Lee Chipman who will be participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer here in Boston on May 19-20 in honor of her mother who died of breast cancer last October. Lee is pictured left with her mother Sandy, and her five daughters, Talbot, Ashtyn, McKinlay, Quincy and Emery.

Why am I sharing this with you?

Two reasons.

Because hearing the voices of women who are finding theirs, helps us find ours. And, because, psychologists who study trauma recovery have indicated that when we suffer a loss we must give testimony to someone as a way of working through the loss. In other words, we NEED to talk to one other, telling (and listening to) the stories that make meaning of our lives.

As Lee embarks on a 40-mile figurative hero's journey to eradicate breast cancer, she will be telling a story to herself, her daughters, to her friends. Importantly, Lee, and thousands of women like her, will not undertake this journey alone, for the stories we tell ourselves in isolation often lead to discouragement and failure. Lee's sister from Colorado, sister-in-law from Maryland and her sister, three of Lee's cousins from western Canada, and friends Christine Vick and Amy Moe will walk with her, supporting and encouraging her.

Because I won't be physically walking her, as many of you won't (though you still can), what can I -- what can we -- do?

We can walk with our hearts by making an outright donation (each participant must raise $1,800 which will fund breast cancer research). Or by attending Lee's dessert party in Shrewsbury, MA on March 23 (I will be going -- the donation is $10, though I would pay $50 -- her desserts are that good). Or by buying some of Lee's handcrafted goods (pictured left) or those which have been lovingly donated (go systergy!) about which you can contact her directly at [email protected]

Most importantly, I can, we each can, "bear witness" to Lee's story, and to the story of each hero's journey. In the telling, the sHero makes meaning of her life. In the hearing, we make meaning of ours.

As you hear Lee's story, anything you'd like to share with her?

What hero's tale have you heard recently? Have you suggested that it be recorded?

Will you?

A hero of support

I know, I know.

I've been speaking about moving to the center of our lives and being the hero.

But hear me out....

Remember the Easter season play my family and I auditioned for back in November?

Well, the performances were last weekend. And some really positive things happened. Our family drew closer together and made new friends. Miranda had fun, David became more interested in singing, and my husband had some very compelling moments in his role as Peter the Apostle.

There was, however, a lesson waiting in the wings.

Well -- a lesson waiting to be re-learned.

Not only did I not have a leading role, unlike many of the women who graciously agreed to be in the ensemble their superior ability notwithstanding, I was lucky to even be in the ensemble.

My brain knew all of this, but because I wanted so badly to be a hero in this particular storyline, I found myself feeling resentful on more than one occasion.

Yup. That's right. Resentful.

Which got me to thinking.

I wanted a bigger part, but who didn't? And if I always have a big part, and so does everyone else, then what?

We have YouTube which caters to a growing societal need to always be front and center.

And if we live in a YouTube world where everyone is the lead which, in the case of last week's play were the biblical Joseph and Mary, who plays the shepherds? The angels? The musical instruments? The audience?

So, yes, we need to move to the center of our lives, and be the hero of our story. But...

...sometimes we need to be the hero of support, the Sam Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings. Or an angel in the choir. Or a member of the audience. Or maybe even Joseph.

The rub is that we can only do this when we feel that there is enough for us. Because when there is enough, there is bounty, and we will give our support and encouragement to others.

I wish I had re-learned this lesson before the actual performances. Because as soon as I understood that there is enough for me -- maybe not in this play, but in my life generally -- I was able to become a hero of support, one that fully participated and encouraged others.

And it felt good.

Really good.

imagine and Explore

I'm not going to leave my husband and children and take up with a rock band, but...

...when I saw O's blurb on the Ladies Rock Camp, a weekend fundraiser in which women learn how to play instruments and write songs, I knew this was something I didn't want to just imagine or think about, it was a possibility I wanted to explore.

I suppose I have been noodling on this possibility for several weeks now.

In February, my husband, kids and I went to visit our friends, Renee and Troy Tribe. Troy and the three oldest kids have started a rock band. After dinner, they performed '70s classics "Smoke on the Water" and "Takin' Care of Business" in their basement studio. It was a highlight of the vacation.

I found myself thinking, why not?

But I just imagined.... and then my imagining was done, with no exploratory follow-up.

Which is what we often do.

No surprise really.

We are primed to stop at imagine, whether it's because we don't want to be disappointed, or vulnerable, because we may not be very good. Or we don't want to be impractical. Why spend the time if we aren't really going to pursue something, to seriously commit to it?

There's an irony in this.

If we will allow ourselves to move beyond imagine to explore, knowing that we get to say no at any point, it's really quite liberating.

We have so many commitments, commitments that we want and need to keep, to our God, family, friends, community, work.

But there are some things we don't have to commit to. We get to do these things for a day, a week, even a month, and then if we want to, we can be done with it, and go on to imagine and explore another possibility.

Like Ladies' Rock Camp.

What possibility have you been imagining or daydreaming about, but haven't yet explored?

When you have moved from imagining to exploring, did you have fun?

What did you discover about yourself that you hadn't known previously?

A little princess on a hero's journey

After taking the trivia quiz on the number of storytellers honored by Oscar, Katrina Van Overbeke, told me about SeeJane, an organization founded by Academy Award winner Geena Davis. In accordance with SeeJane's mission to improve gender portrayals in children's media, the organization commissioned USC's Annenberg School of Communications to analyze gender roles in over 100 G-rated films. The findings were summarized in Where the girls aren't.

Two highlights from the study are:

Did you know that three out of four characters are boys?

That fewer than one out of three speaking characters (28%) in film (live and animated) are female?

Lest I digress too far, let's go back to what I want to be our key takeaway:

If one of the best ways to find our voice is to listen to women who have found and expressed theirs, and these voices are hard to find, how do we do this?

Here are three suggestions:

1) Re-watch A Little Princess by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I saw this film when it was first released, and just happened across the below review from The Washington Post this morning. It is a beautiful film; here's a girl that is the hero of her story.

Link: ‘A Little Princess’

2) Take a look at this list of questions provided on the See Jane website. As you watch television or films with your children, I think you'll be surprised at just how underrepresented girls are. And it's not just television shows like Pokemon which my daughter happens to love because her older brother watches it. Two delightful bright points are Dora the Explorer and The Little Einsteins.

3) And finally, do you have stories inside of you? Are you telling them? They don't need to be written down -- just start telling stories, your story.

Any other films you'd recommend for young girls? Television shows?

Why we love American Idol

I freely admit it.

I love watching American Idol; I've even blogged about Melinda Doolittle.

But the fact is, my love of American Idol isn't novel or newsworthy; I'm one of 30 million plus.

So here's what I want to know:

Why do I -- why do WE -- love American Idol?

Because it's a hero's journey.

Right before our eyes we see hundreds of thousands hoping to be called to adventure, to be chosen to go on a hero's journey, and to obtain the boon. As we watch (and participate by voting), we find pieces of ourselves mirrored in the contestants, feeling as if we too are on the hero's journey.

Which is one of the reasons that Melinda Doolittle has become the frontrunner.

Sure, she can sing, she can really sing. Whether "My Funny Valentine" or "I'm a Woman", Melinda has unexpectedly moved us. Yet, she doesn't seem to know how good she is.

And so we begin to wonder, if Melinda doesn't know how talented she is, maybe we don't know how magnificent we are.

And if seemingly all-powerful Simon has discovered her, maybe we too will be discovered.

And, most especially, if Melinda, even with her quirks, can be called to adventure, and possibly obtain the boon, maybe we, with our own quirks, can be chosen too.

And isn't that a longing we all have?

Do you agree? Why or why not?

P.S. Whether Melinda wins American Idol or not, she will have been successful. By conquering her fear and insecurity, she chose to move to the center of her own life -- to be the hero of her story.

P.P.S. Our desire to be the one called to adventure (the chosen one) also explains why I was disappointed when I wasn't selected to go on Oprah's Miraval week, no matter how deserving those selected are. Just take a look at the story of Jennifer West.

Yes, in sending in the pOstcard I chose to be the hero of my story. But that longing we have for the spotlight to alight on us, to be chosen -- it runs deep!

The dark side of systergy

I was sick all week, barely functional in fact. I don’t know about you, but when I don’t feel well, and I can’t sleep or even read, I watch TV, hoping to find something that will allow me to forget how lousy I feel.

And so I found myself watching an all-day marathon of America’s Next Top Model – Round 7. I had seen snatches of the show over the past two years, so I was familiar with the format. I'd had the general impression that while most of the girls on the program were attractive, they lacked confidence, and in many cases, education.

Which is why I was surprised by a contestant named Melrose Bickerstaff. Not only was she attractive, she was savvy. Melrose handily won challenges, and to my mind was the clear front-runner in the competition.

But guess what? She didn’t win.

She DIDN’T win.

Here’s my analysis of her failure to win: she lost because of her poor relationships with the other contestants.

Yup – that’s right.

Her relationships. Remember, women are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship or when we are giving something to someone else, like recognition.

Was she that mean and nasty? It would seem that she wasn’t – certainly if she had been they would have aired the footage. (Remember Omarosa?) Mean and nasty makes great television.

Regardless, the other girls didn’t like her. And when the judges (a panel of five – 2 women, 3 men) had to make a final decision about who would win and who would lose, Tyra Banks made the comment, “well the other girls didn’t really like her...”

When I was still working on Wall Street, a Harvard Business School professor came in to lead a day of training for all First Vice presidents throughout the firm. One of the interesting nuggets I gleaned from that meeting was the fact that it takes longer for women to climb the corporate ladder because when a man is up for a promotion, the opinion of his superiors is the only opinion that matters. When a woman is up for promotion, her superiors AND her peers are consulted.

Interesting.

America’s Next Top Model was an instance where the girls liking Melrose was, in my opinion, irrelevant. Especially because it seemed that their dislike was largely due to jealousy. But because we are only considered feminine within the context of relationships, if we don’t have good relationships, well then we’re sunk.

The bad news is that when we don’t feel there’s enough for us, enough bounty, we just trip the prom queen, experiencing the dark side of systergy, and no one wins. The good news is that if we do feel there’s enough for us, this enough-ness spills over into our relationships, and we experience systergy, accomplishing far more than we could have on our own.

Can you think of a recent experience when you encouraged and helped another woman, savoring her success?

How did you feel?

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An Australian storyteller

In response to my prior entry Storytellers wanted, Matt Langdon, shared with me an article by the Australian journalist, Anne Summers.

Link: Time to make the shoe fit - Opinion - theage.com.au.

In addition to her making the point that there are relatively few women in politics (as in the media), I was riveted by her comment that "we trivialize women in the public eye, obsessing over their appearance."

How many times have I asked one of my female friends, "what are you going to wear?" It would never occur me to ask a man that.

More importantly, does my mindset play out in my behavior toward young girls, and what can I do to change?

Maybe the next time my daughter wants to dress how she wants to dress (which is everyday), and not allow me to doll her up (I love smocked dresses), I can remember Anne Summers' comment, and keep my mouth shut -- and not even be wistful.

Yes, her clothes need to be clean, and yes I want her to be modest (read: wear clothes that allow us to focus on her, her personality, not her body). But beyond that -- does it matter? I certainly don't obsess over my son's appearance. And maybe that's what my 6-year old daughter is really trying to convey:

"Mom, don't obsess about my appearance. I'm a person just like my brother, not an object -- a person who thinks, who matters, who has something to contribute to the world, not because of how I look, but because of who I am."

The big question is -- if I can begin to focus on her and not her appearance, will she and all our daughters need to rethink their competence as they get older, or will they just already know they're competent?

And if that can be true, Leah will never have to leave the building.

Because she never entered.

Storytellers wanted

Some weeks ago, I shared with you my view that one of the best ways to find our voice is to listen to women who have found and expressed theirs. And yet, these women are difficult to find, whether in our circle of loved ones or in the press.

So, as I watched the Academy Awards this past Sunday, my interest was piqued.

Of the stories told through film this past year – stories that were considered the best in the world by their peers, and that over a billion people on the planet were celebrating - what role did women play in telling these stories?

Let’s take a look.

How many of the nominees for best picture (Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, The Queen) were produced by women?

One. The Queen had three producers, two of whom were women. If you want to look at this from a statistical perspective, 20% of the films nominated were produced by women vs. the general world population of 50%+ women.

How many nominees for best original screenplay (Babel, Letters from Iwo Jima, Little Miss Sunshine, Pan’s Labyrinth, The Queen) were women?

Just one. Letters from Iwo Jima was co-written by a woman. At 20%, again under-indexed vs. the overall population. It's also interesting that in neither case was the woman nominated on a stand-alone basis.

How many nominees for best director (for Babel, The Departed, Letters from Iwo Jima, The Queen, United 93) were women?

Zero.

How many nominees for animated feature film were produced by women (Cars, Happy Feet, Monsters)?

Zero.

I could continue, but won't.

I'll just say: Storytellers wanted.

We have a space for women’s voices here.

Please tell us your story.

We want to hear it.

We need to hear it.