dare to dream

Psyche's 3rd Task: Fill the flask

For her third task, Psyche must fill a flask with water from an inhospitable stream, etched into a jagged cliff and guarded by dragons. "To help her in this seemingly impossible task, the eagle of Zeus, CEO of Olympus, has the ability to see what it wants and plunge from the sky and grab it with its talons," writes Jean Shinoda Bolen.

Psyche’s ability to fill the flask is symbolic of her learning how to set a goal and to achieve that goal, avoiding the inevitable distractions.

Tomorrow I begin working full-time on one of my dreams. There are so many things that need to be done to get this business up-and-running (legal documentation, bank accounts, insurance, payroll, etc), the start-up tasks could easily occupy all my time. But, the fact is, these tasks are secondary. The primary task is to invest wisely and well the monies entrusted to us.

Would it be easier and less frightening to focus on secondary tasks?

Absolutely. I could probably even persuade myself they are primary tasks, and become distracted as Psyche no doubt did; fortunately the eagle was there to help.

Photo courtesy of David Watson aka astrothug

Do we get easily distracted when working toward goals?

Worse yet, do we even bother to set and achieve goals, to dare to dream?

Sadly, a lot of women don't. Because for many, if not most women, from the time we were young girls, we may have been placated, even pampered, but our dreams were subtly, if not overtly, discouraged.

Could this really be true -- you ask.

Just take a moment and ask yourself these questions:

When you compliment women and girls, what do you emphasize?

What about men and boys?

Would it be accurate to say that with women, we focus on their appearance, or how kind they are (e.g. giving something to someone else) and with men, we focus on accomplishments?

If you're still in doubt, over the next few hours, why not compliment women/girls on what they are accomplishing, and men/boys on how they look and what they do for others?

Feels kind of wierd, doesn't it? Which is why filling the flask isn't as easy as we might have supposed.

So, the next time you get that awkward little feeling as you're daring to dream, maybe, just maybe, it's not because the dream is bad or wrong, maybe it's because we haven't really dared for a while, if ever.

Happily, we're not alone as we dare -- the eagle's there.

Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task

What I wrote about Psyche's 2nd task last week just hasn't sat well; and so I'd like to share with you my amended and additional thoughts.

1)  Psyche doesn’t want power.  In my last entry, I implied that Psyche sought power, but she doesn't.  Gathering fleece off the brambles isn't simply a clever means of gaining power -- she doesn't want to be a power-broking, head-butting ram -- she's just doing what needs to be done to safeguard her husband.  Perhaps it's when we begin to seek power for power's sake that we become the ram in the field.

Can you think of a time when who got the credit was irrelevant; you only cared about getting the 'good thing' done?  Perhaps your children weren't getting what they needed at school.  Or maybe you had taken on a project to improve your school, community or church. 

As you dare to dream, is it accurate to say that you dream so as to safeguard your self?

Photo courtesy of Akimeth on Flickr 

2)  Acquiring the fleece is about dis-covering and being true to our selves, not about 'grabbing the ram by the horns'.  I wrote earlier that we don't want to be deemed a villainess, but the fact is, when we are really daring to dream, perceptions of us may not be universally favorable.

Let me give you an example. 

Several years ago, after having a very good year at work, I indicated to my bosses that it was important that I be paid well.  However, when I brought up the topic again a month or so later, he told me that I was being too demanding, and that I should stop asking.

When he said this, I was quite embarrassed.  Even though I had done my homework and knew I wasn't asking for something unreasonable, his telling me that I was demanding shut me down. Feminine women don't ask, and they certainly don't demand -- that's what power-grabbing villainesses do. 

Can you think of a time when you were 'daring to dream' and as you began to metamorphose into more of who you are, there were those who didn't like you?

3)   Psyche employs whatever type of power will best get the job done.  When Psyche sorts the seeds, her power is direct, and involves delegation to the mythological ants.  In acquiring the golden fleece, she employs informal power, attending to relationships, even as she achieves her objective.  In filling the crystal flask, she delegates to the eagle, as she did with the ants.  In the fourth and final task of obtaining beauty ointment, her power is direct, and must be carried out by her personally.

What power do you employ as a daughter, wife, mother, friend, neighbor, worker?  What power will best serve you as you dare to dream?

4)  Being a hero is about keeping our promises -- As Psyche embarks on this journey, she finds out very quickly that she is in over her head, becoming so fearful that she doesn't want to continue.  But she does.  And not particularly well, which makes her all the more compelling. 

As I first wrote about Psyche's 2nd Task, I wanted so badly to come up with a tidy 'here's what you can expect' formula for this task:  if we do X, then Y will happen. 

But Psyche's journey, and our daring to dream, is ultimately about the process, about walking into the unknown, and staying the course, no matter how afraid we are.  Because we've made a promise to others, and especially to our selves that we would.

What are your thoughts?  Where do you agree?  Disagree?

Psyche's 2nd Task: Obtain golden fleece

As Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she obtain golden fleece from aggressive, head-butting rams.

Her second task seems just as impossible as the first given the rams could easily trample her. However, the reeds in the field, as did the ants, come to her aid, advising her to wait until sundown. Once the rams disperse, she can safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for a every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

Photo courtesy of Peter Crunkhurn

Many women are quite adept at informal power, hence the saying "behind every great man is a great woman."

But have we learned how to wield formal power? And if we haven't, why not?

Is it because we were taught that feminine girls don't play with power?

There were many times in high school and college when I was relieved to learn that my test scores were lower than my boy friends. I was truly afraid that if I 'claimed my power', boys wouldn't like me. So, I played dumb.

The stories our society lives by reinforce this notion. Meryl Streep's character in The Devil Wears Prada can butt heads with the best of the rams, as can Cruella de Vil. They're villainesses, you say? Precisely. You want to be a princess? Me too.

But I also want to grow up -- so where is the middle ground? It may be hard to find in film, literature, and even real life.

But to be the hero of our story, do it we must.

How do we wield power differently when we're the 'power behind the throne' versus 'the throne'?

For example, how do we wield power with children? Does this power corrupt us?

Can you think of a situation recently in which you didn't 'claim your power' (read: 'dare to achieve' in whatever form this may take) because you were afraid of what others would think of you?

What if you cloaked that claim with compassion, using it to be the see-er of others' strengths? Of their magnificence? To inspire them to their best selves?

Psyche's 1st Task: Sort the seeds

There is a potential heroine in everywoman. Jean Shinoda Bolen

But do we really believe this?

We can quickly rattle off books/films that tell of men's heroic feats.

But of women? Not so fast. And what does the hero's journey of a woman (which is another way of saying -- what do we need to do to really grow up, and happily) look like anyway?

According to several Jungian psychologists, including Bolen, our journey looks a lot like the mythological Psyche's journey in which she takes on four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, not for adventure, but for a relationship. If, and when, she successfully completes these four tasks, she will be reunited with her husband Eros.

The first task? Sort the seeds.

Psyche must sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles before the next morning. The task seems impossible – and is impossible – given her timeframe, until an army of ants comes to her aid, and helps her sort the seeds.

Photo courtesy of J. Panessa

In order to become the hero of our own story, we must sort the seeds of our possibilities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties. Where there are competing loyalties, there will be those who would dissaude us, potentially fueling the very fear we are trying to face down. However, the industrious collective of ants – our intuition – will help us gain courage and establish priorities, if we will let them.

As an example of one loyalty, have you ever asked yourself -- If I spend time pursuing my dream, instead of fully devoting myself to my husband, children, parents, neighborhood, etc., what will people think of me?

Good question.

Because thinking they will do, feedback they will provide, and quite possibly under the guise of a light-hearted joke. Maybe one that calls into question your femininity. If you were feminine, you would be focusing your attention on your husband's career, not on running a marathon, starting a business, learning to dance. If you were feminine you wouldn't neglect your children (they've had to eat top ramen all week, poor things) to pursue a dream.

When we are questioned, how do we respond?

Do we shut down our dream and go home? Or in the questioning, are naysayers actually helping us, rather than hindering, as they impel us to sift and sort even more?

If someone discourages the pursuit of our dream, what could be their agenda? Does it have anything to do with you? Or is it about them?

Consider another loyalty by asking yourself this question:

If I don't pursue my dream, will I eventually be resentful because I made it possible for my husband, children, etc to pursue their dreams, and now I feel that life has passed me by?

When you are in the midst of competing loyatlies, there's only one thing to do.

Call in reinforcements: your army of ants -- your intuition.

Because if in fact you want to be the hero of your story which requires that you attend to relationships AND pursue your dream, then you may need some help in figuring out how.

So sleep on it.

Set it aside for an hour, a day, a week, a month.

While the ants have a go at your pile of possibilities.

Together you'll sort it out.

Farmer's market metaphor

My friend Lana Grover has likened systergy to the experience we have at a farmer's market.

As shown in these beautiful images, courtesy of Tableau Vivante, fresh fruits and vegetables and homemade goods are bought and sold. There is bounty, there is exchange, there is a personal touch that is nurturing; there is community.

But isn't there bounty, exchange, a personal touch at a flea market, an antique market, at Nordstrom?

Just looking at these images tells me it's not the same.

And after several days of thought, I think I know why.

With the release of the film An Inconvenient Truth, going green/being green have become household words, part of our mainstream culture.

And I will confess there are times when this movement seems all too conveniently impersonal -- save the planet, save the forests, save the animals -- even as I have become much more conscientious about recycling.

But when I read Bill McKibben's words (thanks to Mary Pipher), "The emergent science of ecology is easily summed up: Everything is connected. But interconnection is anathema to a consumer notion of the world, where each of us is useful precisely to the degree that we consider ourselves the center of everything."

I had an a-ha moment.

For many people, environmental concerns moving mainstream aren't about the environment per se, they are about people feeling disconnected. We don't know that we feel this way, but I believe we do. And because we don't know what to do to make it better -- we look for something tangible, concrete to help us re-connect -- like save a tree.

Which is why a farmer's market nourishes us in ways that other markets can't.

Because when we buy fresh fruits and vegetables, something deep inside of us knows that they are given to us by a Creator. We also know that these delicious peaches, cherries, apricots and plums aren't just for us, but will sustain, and most likely be eaten with, our loved ones.

In other words, a farmer's market reminds us that we are not the center of everything, but we are a part, that we are connected.

What comforting food.

What are your thoughts?

Do you agree with my premise about the linkage between the environment and our relationships?

Do you agree that a farmer's market is a metaphor for systergy? Why? Why not?

When was the last time you experienced systergy?

Google's lesson on dreams vs. expectations

Dream, do, detach. Sarah Ban Breathnach

Google lost about $13 billion worth of value on Thursday evening.

Why? -- you ask.

Wasn't its income up 28% over the past year?

Yup.

Isn't that pretty impressive? I mean, I'd like to see my income increase by 28% in twelve months.

It is impressive.

But....everyone expected income to go up by 29%.

What? People dumped GOOG because its income was 1% shy of expectations?

Yup.

A bit extreme isn't it?

Or is it?

If we dump a stock because it falls short of our expectations -- even though the actual outcome is impressive -- won't we also dump a dream?

Sarah Ban Breathnach writes, "Expectations are the emotional investment that our ego makes in a particular outcome. When we use expectations to measure a dream's success, we tie stones around our soul. Dreams [may] call for a leap of faith, a trusting that [Providence] will be our net, but they set our soal soaring."

Two years into pursuing a different dream, I continue to believe what I scribbled in the margin of Breathnach's book Simple Abundance -- [relinquishing expectations] could transform things -- but isn't it difficult not to expect, become attached even, to specific outcomes?

Certainly the Google shareholders were.

How do we know if "expecting" is eclipsing our "dreaming?"

When we spend time with our children, are we disappointed because they didn't want to read books with us? Or are we happy because, in letting them decide what we're going to do, we are 15 minutes closer to our dream of an enduring relationship with our children?

Whether our dream is to paint, write a book, produce a film, start a business, have we become attached to a specific outcome, an outcome that we have no control over (e.g. how others receive what we do?) or are we pursuing this dream because it's an imperative for us -- and we're willing to let Providence do the rest?

So, so, hard, but we'll get there.

Repeat after me (you too Google shareholders!)

Expectorate expectations.

And in Breathnach's words, "Dream, do, detach."

Susan Minot's Evening

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on...children than the unlived life of the parent. Carl Jung

Have you considered the possibility that in pursuing our dreams, we open the door to our children pursuing theirs?

The film Evening, based on the book by Susan Minot, makes the case that we do.

On her deathbed, Ann Grant (played by Vanessa Redgrave as seen in the photo to the left), flashes back to her early twenties (younger self - Claire Danes), a time during which Ann believed she could get the guy and achieve her goal. However, as the film progresses, we learn that Ann's life, in Jung's words, was unlived. She not only didn't get the guy, she twice married badly, and her singing career never amounted to much.

Constance (Redgrave's real-life daughter Natasha Richardson, also in the photo above) tries to live her mother's unfulfilled dream of having a happy marriage. Ostensibly she has, though her demeanor suggests otherwise, and she's completely neglected the following of her bliss. Meanwhile, younger sister Nina (Toni Collette) has tried to follow her bliss (well, her mother's bliss). But, four failed careers later, including a stint as a go-go dancer, bliss remains elusive, as do meaningful relationships.

When Ann, the mother, left her life unlived, her daughters unwittingly tried to live it for her, and became the keeper of their mother's dreams, rather than of their own.

I don't think it had to be that way.

When Ann is asked to single out a moment when she was truly happy, she vividly recalls a rehearsal for a singing gig some 30 years ago. As Ann sang, 5 year-old Constance sat on the lap of Ann's accompanist.

Why was she so happy? Because, in that moment, she was attending to her relationships AND to her dream.

Attending to both is certainly harder than attending to one or the other.

But if in doing so, we keep our dreams so that our children can keep theirs, isn't it worth it?

Have you seen Evening? What was your take?

Any idea what the unlived life of your parents is/was? Does it in any way explain your own dream?

Are you attending to your dream? If not, what can you do to start? If you are, Atta Girl!

P.S. Yesterday, I read an interesting analysis of the female characters in the book Birdwing and the film Ratatouille. Take a peek.

NY Times -- Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys

The NY Times recently published an article by Bill Carter titled Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys, analyzing why Katie Couric's gig on CBS hasn't lived up to expectations.

Using the 'dare to dream' lens, let's analyze this further. Shall we?

1. Archetype mis-match -- When you look at Todd Heisler's above photograph, Ms. Couric looks isolated, almost forlorn. I can't help but think of the Bem Sex-Role Inventory's definition of femininity: Girls are only considered feminine within the context of a relationship and when they are giving something to someone else. The images of Ms. Couric on The Today Show are in sync with our society's view of femininity. The CBS News images are not.

Contrast the above with those Carter describes as "swashbuckling correspondents [e.g. Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather] who became cool doing hard news". This swashbuckler image foots with what we consider masculine: the solitary man (think Johnny Depp in Pirates and Pierce Brosnan as James Bond) slays the dragon, returns a hero, tells the tale.

In other words, our conscious mind may want to support a Ms. Couric, especially if we watched her faithfully on The Today Show, but we don't. Because there's a mismatch between what we instinctively believe and what we see.

2. Ms. Couric isn't playing to her strengths -- This is closely tied to the above, except that Ms. Couric can't change what other people believe, while she can change what she does. Which is to play to her strengths -- her innate talents, competencies, principles, and identity.

I don't know whether she reports hard news well. She probably does or she wouldn't be where she is. But her ability to chase down news is secondary to her girl-next-door persona.

So why would she have opted in to a situation which wasn't her?

Because of what the title intimates -- that to count we need to be one of the boys.

And because our society doesn't really value women's core strengths of connecting and collaborating unless a man displays them, we start to believe we're Leah.

Because we want Leah to permanently leave the building (she likes to slip in unawares), will you consider the following:

1) Think about women in the public eye whom you admire. Do you consider these women to be feminine? Does that mean that they don't have power to get their dreams done? Or do they?

2) How can we work with the the archetypes and ideas that prevail in our society, rather than fighting against them?

3) Have you thought any more about your strengths? Relish them. Leverage them. Figure out how to pursue your dream in a context that values your strengths.

4) And if you can't find a system, club, business, or group of friends that will value your strengths, why not find like-minded people and start your own?

Is your dream off-the-rack? Or tailor-made?

You have to be careful who you let define your good. Lois McMaster Bujold, A Civil Campaign, 1999, US science fiction author

Source: A. Bel Studio

Have you ever had the experience of going clothes shopping, and trying on one, two, even ten pieces of clothing that looked great on the rack, but terrible on you?

I have.

Did any of the following then cross your mind?

1. (On a good day) It's no wonder TLC's What Not To Wear is so popular -- women really do have trouble finding something to wear;

2. (Ok day) I think I'll stick with buying shoes or jewelry -- they usually fit;

3. (Not so good day) I'll dress my daughter instead of myself. She's two -- clothes still look good on her;

4. (Bad day -- disconsolate, having dissolved into tears) Something must be wrong with me, not just my body, but with me. Otherwise, these clothes would fit, and they would look good.

Yup, me too.

Which is why, when I needed something to wear for a black tie event, for the first time in my life, I had a dress made.

It was a liberating experience.

I chose fabric that matched my skin tone, hair, personality.

I selected a pattern that would look good on my body.

But most lovely of all was the moment when the seamstress (who I found on craig's list) sized the skirt of the dress to me.

My waist. My body. My measurements.

It wasn't about my fitting into the dress, but about the dress fitting me.

Other women seem to feel as I do; the most popular site on sk*rt (by far) is one whose heading reads "Find Jeans that Fit (No really!)"

So here are my questions:

Are we pursuing our dream, a tailor-made dream, or what we think should be our dream, and in effect buying our life off the rack?

Instead of asking do I measure up to this dream, are we asking -- does it measure up to me, and my strengths? Does it fit me?

And just to get into practice, if you see a blouse, or pair of pants that you love, and they don't quite fit, buy the piece in a size too big and have it altered!

Site I Like: be neighborly

There is so much to glean from Joseph Newfield's site 'be neighborly'.

Drawing on his advertising background, and love of architecture, Joseph makes three key points related to "websites that work", all of which are relevant to dare to dream.

1) Be a part of something

The success of buildings, and websites, depends on how well they enable people to do things. In both instances, this is a function of how connected they are to other buildings, systems or sites; how integrated they are into the fabric of the community.

Isn't this another way of saying, we only really dream when we are together? And three cheers for systergy, oxytocin, and ladies who lunch?

More specifically, my thanks to Melanie Mauer and Jaime Young, for their reaching out to me this past week. When you visit their sites, observe how Melanie tells stories through her photography, Jaime through digital scrapbooking.

2) Tell stories

Stories matter because that's how we experience life: not as discrete tasks but as experiences, moments that add up to a larger whole. Yet many websites offer a litany of tasks and tools without any context, without any seeming contemplation of the arc of their audience's story.

Shutterfly was, until recently, a great example of [what not to do]. Personal photography is a means of self-expression, and if we do it well many of us would like recognition. Yet visitors to Shutterfly [were] greeted with products and seasonal specials. It [was] as passive as a piece of direct mail, barely participating in customer's lives.

In other words, seeing our life as a story is key to making meaning of our own lives, and helping those we love make meaning of theirs.

3. Don't just sit there looking pretty.

For years I've perused books, magazines, and websites devoted to all types of design, architecture, photography and found myself unsettled by the beautiful work being celebrated there, work that is is neither relevant nor moving.

[In contrast], craigslist is merely words with the occasional picture, but it's one of the most engaging websites ever. One visits again and again, for many different reasons, and is part of a new story every time.

Do you remember what my daughter seemed to be saying some months back when she refused to wear what I wanted her to wear? It's not about looking pretty and being pampered, it's about being, daring and dreaming...

What websites and blogs do you visit regularly? Who visits yours? Do you say hello, especially to those that visit you?

If you were a building or website, how would you describe your surrounding community? How integrated are you into its fabric?

Which sites/blogs help you tell your story?