Pew Research Center's "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work"

Hello, hello!

We’ve been on vacation for the better part of two weeks -- plenty of time to think, little time to write. Next time I plan to go on hiatus, I will let you know.

The first order of belated business is to direct you to the blogs of Barbara Torris and Brett Farmiloe. Brett, the founder of Pursue the Passion, put finger to keyboard to tell his story, while Barbara, a 65 year-old retired educator and grandmother who helps me see my possibilities, has identified her heros.

The second order of business is to flag a report (with a nod to Entrepreneur Daily and USA Today) published by the Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends Project titled Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work.

I wasn't all that surprised to learn that 6 in 10 full-time working moms would prefer to work part-time; however, I was intrigued to learn that the divide between working and at-home moms has widened.

In the 1997 study, about 4 in 10 of all mothers (38% of at-home moms; 39% of working moms) believed that an increase in working mothers was a negative societal trend. However, by 2007, 44% (15% increase) of the at-home mothers saw this as a negative; only 34% (an 8% decrease) of the working mothers concurred.

Why is this the key finding?

Because the digging in our heels around our work/life decisions suggests that our society's oft-repeated mantra of "live and let live" notwithstanding, mothers are becoming more, not less, judgmental of one another, and that sibling rivalry continues on the rise.

Which makes me quite sad.

Happily, there are mothers who shun the rivalry, embracing systergy in its stead.

While vacationing in Jackson Hole last week, I spoke with three such mothers, Stacey, Heather and Jane. Stacey I have known for many years; I've just become acquainted with Jane and Heather.

Photogaph courtesy of Melanie Mauer, a woman who is the picture of systergy

All of us have children under twelve. Each of us has a college degree, two have advanced degrees. Two of us work full-time; two are at-home.

Given our respective choices, and the trend identified by the Pew study, I suppose our interchange could have deteriorated into intransigent finger-pointing.

But it didn't.

On the contrary.

We asked one another how we’d made our decisions; we spoke of the trade-offs, sharing our struggles, validating and encouraging one another.

Does this kind of conversation, one in which we experience systergy, help us to rethink our competence, and bolster the belief that we can be the hero of our story?

I can’t speak for others.

But the answer for me is -- Yes, and again, yes.

Absolutely.

Can you think of a time when you have been critical of others’ choices related to how they were balancing motherhood and career? Any thoughts as to why you were critical?

My husband and I waited several years (10 to be exact) before having children. There were some who criticized us, but truth be told, I was critical of women who chose to have children immediately. In retrospect, my criticisms were a manifestation of my own insecurity: if I could believe others were wrong, then I could be definitively right.

Can you think of a conversation in which you encouraged and validated others? How did you feel? How do you move from sibling rivalry to systergy?

Comments

[Margaret Busse]

I just skimmed through the Pew Research article. It is quite interesting. While it's possible that the fact that an increasing number of at-home mothers think it is "bad for society" to have more working mothers indicates an increasing divide between at-home and working mothers, there are other possibilities. Just because one thinks something on the whole might be bad for society doesn't mean he/she judges a specific person from that trend. For instance, I may feel that having more guns in America is bad for society, but that doesn't mean that I think it is bad for x individual to have a gun. I think the key point here is that regardless of what we might feel on an issue generally, we have to reserve judgment on people's individual choices, to your point, Whitney. I feel like amongst my "mom" friends, which include full-time working, part-time working, and at-home moms, the thing that binds us together is that we're mothers, not the number of hours we work in a week. And I feel very supported for my individual choices, which I appreciate.

[Whitney Johnson]

Margaret --

Your response is a reminder that it is oh so difficult to step away from our biases when interpreting data. In fact, I suspect that had anyone who knows me well been given a multiple choice question -- which data point from the Pew Study would Whitney have zeroed in on -- they could have readily predicted my bias.

Thank you for underscoring what I had hoped would be the takeaway -- the importance of reserving judgment on individual choices, and the implicit trust and support that we gift to another when we do.

A place in which this kind of support is given is in the salon-style discussion group Fusion that you have co-founded.

If any of you dare to dreamers that live in the Boston area (or will be visiting Boston) would like to come on September 27 -- Margaret will be speaking about micro-credit -- shoot me a quick e-mail, and I'll be sure and get you the specifics.

Best to all,

Whitney

[Barbara]

Whitney,
Thank you so much for you comment about my blog. My blogs have been a heavy weight for me lately and more keep coming my way. I think that I will write about my family and their lives for a few days.

I incidentally was a stay at home mom. It is what I did best. My friends were not. They were much different and their children have prospered from their mother's choices.

b

Thank you again.

[Stacey]

Whitney, thank you for taking the time to think critically and thoughtfully about our conversation. That women are in dialogue about these topics is important note – especially when contrary would imply that women feel that choices are not available to them and that they are unable to question feminine roles and responsibilities.

I think that is the beauty of this that I perceive that I have freedom. I have freedom to not only make choices but to discuss the pros and cons of the choices available to women with other women in a safe and supportive environment. In reflecting on this, is that choice and dialogue possible in the broader population? I think if I were truly honest with myself I would state that choice and dialogue are gifts given to those who are educated and with means. What about those without?

Food for thought...

[Whitney Johnson]

Stacey -

I am so glad that you brought this up. You are absolutely right -- deciding how to allocate our time is such a LUXURY -- one which very few women globally have.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we reallocate whatever time we spend fingerpointing to helping women throughout the world are barely eking out a living.

Thanks for the reminder.

Whitney