Parenting and the hero's journey

My friend's daughter will go away to college next year.

Her daughter is bright, hard-working, well-rounded, and could have gone pretty much anywhere, but elected to go to Brigham Young University (my alma mater, by the way), a university that many would consider a second-tier 'safety' school.

The decision has been tough for both.

For Daughter, because she wants Mom to be proud, and the 'safety' school wasn't Mom's first choice.

Source: Growing, Growing by Ashley G

For Mom -- for all moms -- I wonder if it's tough because we are afraid, feel fear?

The fear that we inevitably feel at the start of a hero's journey as we prepare to walk through the unknown?

Except that when it's our children, not us, the fear is heightened because we desperately want them to become more of who they are, and yet we realize that because it is their journey, not ours, we are supposed to be bystanders.

And could it be that this fear makes it nearly impossible for parents not to try and tell their children where to go, what to be?

Knowing my friend and her daughter, had Mom insisted, required, even simply asked Daughter to go to a different school, Daughter would have.

Mom wanted to ask -- oh, how she wanted to.

But she didn't.

She instead courageously walked into her unknown, so that her daughter can walk into hers, and be the hero of her story.

In this unknown, Daughter -- and Mom too -- will no doubt find more of who they are.

Why else might it be difficult to send our children off on their journey?

Could it be possible that our children have become our dream keepers, and so we've become attached to a specific outcome for their lives -- Do you remember the NY Times article about Esther Mobley, and Susan Minot's Evening?

Why does allowing our children to walk through their unknown, allow us to walk through ours?

Comments

[Janika Dillon]

It makes me wonder why the daughter chose the safety school. Was she afraid that she wouldn't succeed at the more prestigious schools? If so, the mother definitely could have helped the daughter see that she could succeed wherever she chose to go. It seems to me that there definitely should have been a discussion about why the daughter chose that school, if nothing else to help the daughter clarify her thinking and articulate her fears/desires and long-term goals. I think we can take a step back as parents (meaning we don't push our agendas) and just help our kids think through their decisions.

[Whitney Johnson]

Janika you make a really good point. I guess I had more context in my head than I shared.

You are absolutely right that sometimes our kids think they can't do something and then we absolutely want to encourage them to 'dare to dream'.

However, in this particular instance, it wasn't a matter of not wanting to shoot for the stars, but rather having the different variables (e.g. east coast vs. west coast, religious institution vs. not) be assigned different weightings.

So glad to hear your point of view!

Whitney

[tracy Ho]

It would not be easy at this situation, but i think these are part & parcel of growing up pain both mother & daughter need to go
throught,May God Bless Both Of Them
Merry Christmas in advance,

Loves
Tracy Ho
wisdomgettingloaded

[Beth Peterson]

The mentoring role can be difficult for us. We often want to spare other heroes the trials we have faced. We want those heroes we love to have the "best" or everything.

As mentors, we have to remember that experience is quite often the foundation for true learning and growth. We as mentors can give advice and guidance, but we have to accept that it is up to each individual, even our kids, to create their own path on their own hero;s journey.

Thanks, Whitney, for a thought-provoking article!