Enchanted anger

Were you surprised by the title of the above article?

Me neither.

We girls learn from a very young age that we shouldn't get angry.

But is it anger that we shouldn't do?

Or rage?

Rage is yelling at our child, maybe even hitting him, when he spills juice on a brand new carpet we can't afford to replace.

Rage is a mother sabotaging her daughter's attempts at life and love when she sees her daughter having opportunities the mother either didn't have, or gave up.

If we have reached the point of rage, but have managed to hold it in (because nice girls don't get angry), we just might be depressed: depression is rage turned inward.

Rage is about losing control, when we say things and do things that we will long regret.

So, rage is definitely out.

But anger?

Oh yes -- definitely in.

Anger tells us something is amiss, that something or someone (possibly our selves) needs to be attended to, that a boundary has been crossed.

Courtesy: istockphoto

Anger is locking ourself in the closet, calling our closest friend, and sobbing about the juice spill, knowing that our 2 year-old is safe because he is banging on the door as we speak.

Anger is recognizing that in any choice made there are trade-offs. That we may be angry with our daughter not because of her but because we have become so Martha-like, we've forgotten that we get to be Martha AND Mary.

When we acknowledge our anger, rage never happens.

There is a wonderful lesson about anger in the film Enchanted.

Innocent Princess Giselle is back-and-forthing with Patrick Dempsey's cynicism and the words, 'You....you....make me so angry', spill out. With this utterance, Princess Giselle has defined a boundary for her self, thus undergoing a rite of passage necessary to becoming more of who she is.

Has your anger recently helped you identify a boundary you didn't know you had?

When we become angry, are we not saying 'no', as Psyche was required to do in her 4th task?

The next time you become angry, will you pause and be grateful for the information your anger is giving you: about what matters to you, about how you want your life to unfold?

When we attend to the anger, what Giselle-like thing can happen in our life?

P.S. If you'd like to read more in praise of anger, there is a powerful essay titled 'Damning the River' in Rachel Naomi Remen's book Kitchen Table Wisdom.

P.P.S. If you ever have something you feel others would find helpful to hear, but tend to be a private person, just send to me your thoughts, and I'll post it as 'Whitney's friend who would like to remain anonymous"...

Related posts:
A down payment on our dream
The Myth of Psyche
Martha and Mary
When we say no
Dreaming or deflecting?

Comments

[Lisle]

I suppose that there are a great many of us who recognize we're uncomfortable in a given situation, but don't realize until later that it's actually anger. Learning to identify our emotions is a healthy thing, though it can be a lengthy process for some of us. Sometimes we've suppressed them all for so long that we forget what they are. I know I always have to think really hard to get beyond "it's good," or "it's bad." Guess I have some work to do.

[b]

I did find this very interesting. Now I, personally, think that we need to be sure that we stick to the "subject" when we are angry. Define what is bothering us and then only, only, only deal with that one thing. Rage that give us permission to be out of control in any situation is not and never will be a good solution to any problem. In the work world that is where the "b" word comes out.

I do not want to be a man ever. I think that women have a much better handle on how to deal with what we don't like. :)

b

[Peggy]

i once read (forgive me because i cannot remember the book title or author) that we often mistake anger for an incorrect emotion. the author states, however, that being angry is not incorrect, that every emotion is healthy and normal, including anger. it's what we do with that anger that makes it unhealthy or not.

i've always appreciated knowing that i can give myself permission to be angry about something instead of keeping it bottled up and like you are saying, have it turn into rage.

the buddhists teach that one should feel emotion (in this case anger) to its fullest extent, just like filling up a balloon (i.e. allowing yourself to feel it, talking to those you feel it toward, having a good cry about it). once the balloon is full, tie it up, release it and let it go forever.

[Debra]

I personally do not believe that anger is healthy....it certainly is a result of another emotion that we have been unable to express or communicate in a healthy way......once we have reached the anger stage...we don't usually express ourselves well and we hurt others and things in the process...you loose the spirit when you are angry...and cannot behave appropriately...no one can make us feel a certain way...just because you feel a certain way doesn't make it right...we can admit to ourselves that we are upset or frustrated...then find healthy ways to resolve those issues and peacefully communicate our fears so that our relationships move forward and become helpful not hurtful...