When our loved ones ask 'what about me?'

When a would-be 'dare to dreamgirl' eagerly shared with her husband an entrepreneurial idea, his response was:

What about our household?  Our children?  I suspect he was also thinking what about me?

The myth of Psyche, a story that helps us understand feminine psychological development, may have been helpful here, as Psyche would not have undertaken her hero's journey had it not been for the sake of a relationship.  Meaning, consensus suggests women can't attend to their relationships and their identity:  the Psyche myth suggests otherwise.

Let's look at the first question:

1)  What about our home?

As we pursue a dream, will there be specific tasks that we currently do that won't get done (e.g. will chaos ensue?) 

Do you remember the ants that help with Psyche's first task?  The ants illustrate the importance of intuition and of delegation as we sort and sift through priorities.  Specifically, as we plan out how to get our dream done, let's inventory which of the tasks that mom currently does that can be delegated to our children. Our husband. To outside help.

Lest you worry that by delegating these jobs, you will no longer have a real place within your family, think again.  It's simply not true. 

And remember -- just as the ants sorted the seeds one-by-one, we can delegate one task, one simple task, see what happens, then delegate another.

Sort, sift, sort some more. 

Source:  istockphoto

2)  What about our relationships?

Psyche's 3rd Task, which involves filling the flask, or achieving a goal against tough odds, also illustrates the importance of delegation.  This time she delegates to Zeus' eagle.  I can't help but think that the eagle is representative of the men in our lives.  There are things that we can learn from them, not to mention our children, that will help us accomplish our goals. 

Source:  istockphoto

3)  What about the times when our journey requires we go it alone?

Psyche's 4th Task requires she journey alone to retrieve a box of beauty ointment. As she travels she must say no (word of protection) to those seeking help so she can say yes (word of connection) to her relationships. With any dream, there are moments when we must figuratively, if not literally, go it alone.

Which circles us back to our loved ones underlying query -- 'What about me?'

For Psyche's 2nd Task, gathering the fleece, that's the easy part. The trick is to gather without engaging in head-butting, thus losing her innate sense of caring and connectedness.  This is not an easy one for me.  It has been and continues to be easy to become so intent on gathering the fleece, and wanting to be good at that gathering, that I (we) can forget why we are gathering in the first place. 

Source:  istockphoto

In Orson Card's book The Call of Earth, there's a character named Hushith.  As a raveler, Hushith "lives in the constant awareness of all the connections and relationships among the people around her. Having a web-sense is naturally the most important thing in her life, as she watches people connect and detach from each other, forming communities and dissolving them."

So here's what I wonder.

Do any of us really begrudge our loved ones living their dream, fleece gathering as it were, so long as our relationships are strengthened, and the fleece they gather is spun into wool that binds them to us? 

Samuel Johnson said, "the ultimate result of all ambition is to be happy at home."

So true.

Source:  Etsy -- Swallowfield

As you have the floated an idea, have you encountered resistance from your loved ones?

Is it possible that the resistance is less about their confidence in your ability to pursue the dream, and more about their concern that you will go away?  I must say I often wonder what happens on What not to Wear after the makeover.  How do the relationships shift?

If you aren't willing to delegate, why?  Are you worried about your loss of place?  Or identity?

In what ways can we involve our children, our husbands and the men in our life in the pursuit of our dream?

If the connections between and among people were visible, what would people see? Who would we be connected to?  Five years ago?  Five years hence?

Comments

[LL]

Whitney, I LOVED this. Honestly, I've felt that pull several times in my life and I've been the one resisting at times too...loved this, something to think about and watch for in the future. thanks

[Amy Jo]

Okay, this is one post I can relate to. Sometimes I wonder if my husband wants to keep me tied down or if it's a perception because we're not communicating. Loved learning from you again. Amy Jo

[Becky]

Whitney - I LOVE your blog/s. Found them through Amy Jo. What great insights and thoughts you have. Hope you don't mind if I sneak over once in a while. Love, Becky

[Bonnie White]

Your insights have created some much needed reflection. I put some of my dreams on the shelf to concentrate on the dream of children and an active, interesting home. There were many times over the years where all the miles run in 10 km races and the workshops and the callings and the projects could not answer the longing to dream about what else I could be or do. In a very short time, I will be an empty nester. While it does free up my time and resources, it has been unbelievably heart wrenching too. I became so skilled and competent and effective at being a stay at home mother. I juggled committees, church callings and some contract work on the side but mostly I listened to their pleas "What about me?" and stopped listening to my own internal music. I thought how wonderful it would be when they all left and I didn't have to worry about them anymore. Who knew though how empty these children's departures would leave me? Just recently, I sat sniffing my daughter's perfume on an old sweater she had left behind when she moved away. I recalled the first time I gazed into her eyes and wondered about the adventure that was ahead of us. Three more children added to the adventure and it has been such a joyful growing enriching sometimes frustrating often ambiguous time of my life. But as this last child applies for university acceptance, I see that this gig is almost done. At least in the way I created it over the last 27 years. The hour glass has relentlessly drained and I am desperately trying to push it back up. I have another 35-40 years left. And these aren't exactly the prime years for my brain or body. I will not always be so pathetic as I am right now feeling sorry for my loss and will dream new dreams and live them. I admire you younger women you are trying to balance both career and family and though it isn't always easy, you may find that when you arrive at the empty nest stage, you can just breath a sigh of relief because you have other things that you have mastered and achieved along the way.

[Stacey P]

Great post. To respond to the questions you pose, I reflected on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I think our loved ones can be at a place of 'basic needs' while we are higher on the needs pyramid - ready to take our game to the next level. If we are not in the same place, then perhaps a separate initiative would be to discover why - then explore if you can move forward while supporting your loved ones with their progression such that we all feel sustained... Not easy!

[Janna]

"Is it possible that the resistance is less about their confidence in your ability to pursue the dream, and more about their concern that you will go away?"

Absolutely. However, as you suggest from the follow up question about the outcome of What Not to Wear, I wonder if it's not about the woman not being around physically - but rather, her "role" not being around any more.

Many relationships are based on the participants fulfilling roles for each other. When one person decides to no longer play a role (period) or change the role, the dynamic of the relationship must change. This change can threaten the life of the relationship if both participants will not adjust...

Which brings us to Whitney's idea about delegation. I am struck that this question is normally posed only to the woman - what are YOU going to have to delegate?

By my way of thinking, the duties of raising a family and sustaining a marriage are put into one pile. Husband and wife wisely and judiciously divvy out these responsibilities in a way that benefits themselves and the family as a whole. All too often we rely on traditional roles to guide this divvying task, rather than consciously, prayerfully, and thoughtfully determining what goes on whose plate.

I'm not suggesting a 50-50 split or anything of the sort, but rather, for men and women to come together in true partnership to determine "what needs to happen" for the healthy development of their family.