dare to dream

Low-hanging fruit and hiatus

Dear all -- 

I'm going on hiatus for a time, but wanted to share a few thoughts prior:

1.  Saying our name - Some of you commented for the first time -- truly appreciated.  Just a couple more thoughts on names/identity:

• For those of you who have purchased a domain name for yourself and/or your children or spouse, how do you feel?  
• Though I'm not a Hillary Clinton fan, in the context of this discussion, I found the article Clinton prepares to relinquish her independence rather poignant.
• If you need to be naming a baby a baby any time soon, check out What a Lovely Name which helps you select a name by traits.  You name the trait -- strength or elegance or brilliance - this website names the name.
• One of my football-following friends shared with me that the football player Chad Johnson changed his name to Chad Ocho Cinco, the number on his jersey.  This is no doubt partly a marketing ploy, but doesn't it also signal that his identity is largely wrapped up in his being a football player?  

• Should you want to think further on names/identity, I recommend Spindle's End, a retelling of Sleeping Beauty, by Robin McKinley.  If you need an 'I'dentity book pick-me-up or want to give an 'I'-dentity book Christmas present that is smartly written, this is the book.  'Sleeping Beauty's name-day is the event that sets the plot in motion.

  

2.  Look for the smallest of opportunities to reinforce our 'I' - I don't cook often, but yesterday I baked a German chocolate cake from scratch.  No particular reason.  Just because.  The cake was yummy, but I I enjoyed the baking of the cake, licking the bowl, and seeing the finished product as much as I enjoyed eating the cake.  My experience was reminiscent of sewing dresses for myself as a 9 and 10 year-old; the joy was in my ability to create.

Source:  Flickr  

3.  What to give for Christmas? -- Given the fairly universal drive to economize this Christmas, I wonder if we haven't an unusual opportunity before us.

Last week, I was reading an Eagle Scout tip titled "Not your Ordinary VIP letters" by Elizabeth Scannell. Rather than request letters from the President, Senators and Representative, Ms. Scannell thought back to their family's favorite vacation spots, and "wrote to people her son had encountered in those places. A magician he’d met in Branson, Mo., sent him a letter and a magic trick, while another sent him a lifetime of free show admissions. A cruise ship captain sent several T-shirts and other logo items, as well as a personal letter.  We all know who most people would consider VIPs. The question is, who are the very important persons in your Eagle Scout’s life?"

In our lives?

Our loved ones' lives?

Several days later I came across my journal from 1993.  In it, I had listed several people who were role models to me. Two of them, women, who are just a tad younger than me, continue to be examples  What if I were to send them a note this Christmas telling them why they are role models?

 

Source:  istockphoto

4.  Look for the low-hanging fruit -- As those of us in the North move into a season of dormancy, we may find ourselves letting our dreams also lie dormant.  There is something to be said for letting dreams lie fallow.  I wonder though if there isn't some low-hanging fruit related to our dream even in this season of quiet?

 

Source:  istockphoto

Saying our name

Can you say your name?  Or would you rather stay unknown?  Stevie Wonder

When I voted this week, the poll worker looked up at me and said, 

"Whitney Johnson -- what a pretty name."

I get that compliment with some frequency, but I didn't use to.

When I was about ten, my parents were late to pick me up from the library.  After calling and asking the librarian to tell me they'd be late, not realizing I was within earshot, she said, 'Whitney -- what kind of a name is that?"

Not too many days later, I launched a 'Call Me Suzanne' campaign, complete with signage on my closet door. As you may have surmised, the campaign was a bust.  Everyone continues to call me Whitney, or some derivative thereof.

Sticks and bones may break my bones, but names....

You remember the rest of the couplet.

Patently untrue, isn't it?

Any words that people use to name us, or more generally speaking, to label us, deeply affect our identity.

In the The Zookeeper's Wife, Diane Ackerman's non-fiction work about one of the most successful hideouts during World War II, shares the following:

Polish emigre Eva Hoffman, writes movingly about the psychic earthquake of having to shed her name:   'Nothing much has happened, except a small, seismic mental shift.  The twist in our names takes them a tiny distance from us -- but it is a gap into which the infinite hobgoblin of abstraction enters.'  Suddenly her given name and her sister's no longer existed, even though 'they were as surely us as our eyes or hands.'  And the new names were 'identification tags, disembodied signs pointing to objects that happen to be my sister and myself.  We walk to our seats, into a roomful of unknown faces, with names that makes us strangers to ourselves.'

Our name, our identity -- our who we are.

How do we feel when someone remembers our name?  When someone calls us by name?  When someone asks us to link to them on LinkedIn with a personal note?

Many have credited Bill Clinton's remarkable political success to his interpersonal intelligence, his ability to read people, to remember their names.  I wouldn't be surprised if many feel the same about Barack Obama.

And what of the labels we affix to others?

Every day we see something impressive or magnificent in those around us. Some we know well, some we don't.  Do we tell them what we think?  Do we give them the gift of our words, helping to make their identity less abstract, more concrete?

If we were to put a slight twist on the names or labels we currently give to people, what kind of mental seismic shift might occur?  For them?  for us?

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names...

...will always help us?  Heal us?

Much better.

What is your name?  Do you like it?   Do people use your name?  If you are a woman and married, and took on the name of your husband, how did your identity shift?  What about the other labels that make up your identity?

Have you reinforced your identity by purchasing your domain name?  If it's too expensive to buy www.annjohnson.com because someone already owns it, why not buy annjjohnson.com?

Have you bought domain names for your children?  Instead of buying stock or savings bonds for their next birthday, why not buy them domain names?

Have you named your dream?

'I'dea-licious: October 2008

Dear friends -
Whether you offered up in-depth commentary, or left an encouraging word -- thank you!  

***
Some thoughts on Sarah Palin
Will you do a little bit more research on Sarah Palin?  About what she actually has to say about the world and how it should function?  She just doesn't seem qualified. Would love to hear your thoughts, even if you disagree with me.  Anonymous

Whitney post-script:  Initially I discounted my several friends' opinions because not only did we differ politically, but they had gone to Ivy League schools and I had not.  But when a friend who shares my political views, and didn't go to an Ivy, and is not involved in politics, indicated that she can answer more questions about world events than can Gov. Palin, my reasons for discounting their views vaporized.

Just hours later, I was negotiating (with a woman I've never met) via e-mail the speaker line-up for an upcoming conference. Though this woman is clearly knowledgeable and her views should be carefully considered, when she began to push for one particular speaker, I found myself thinking "Let's just let her have this."

What?

I didn't think -- She's smart. She knows what she's talking about. Her ideas matter. I respect her.
But rather -- She's being emotional. Let's just pacify her and move on.

Et tu, Whitney?

I still like Governor Palin - and she has governed well by many accounts. But I get it now.  I want -- we all want -- women to achieve prominence not because we look the part, but because we are the part, because our ideas matter, because we are respected.

P.S.  Have you read the commentary about Tina Fey's hilarious impersonation titled Sarah Palin and her parasite? 

***
When our loved ones ask 'what about me?
I LOVED this. Honestly, I've felt that pull several times in my life and I've been the one resisting at times too...loved this, something to think about and watch for in the future.  LL

This is a post I can relate to.  Sometimes I wonder if my husband wants to keep me tied down or if it's a perception because we're not communicating.  Amy

In a very short time, I will be an empty nester. While it does free up my time and resources, it has been unbelievably heart-wrenching too. I became so skilled and competent and effective at being a stay at home mother. I juggled committees, church responsibilities, some contract work on the side but mostly I listened to the pleas "What about me?" and stopped listening to my own internal music...I admire you younger women you are trying to balance both career and family and though it isn't always easy, you may find that when you arrive at the empty nest stage, you can breathe a sigh of relief because you have other things that you have mastered and achieved along the way.  Bonnie White

Copyright by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008.

Whitney post-script:  Thank you to Bonnie for her kindness (for it was kind to share with us her story) to those of us who don't currently have nests, or the nests are still full.  It's a reminder that we need to have 'yes' (connection) and 'no' (protection) in our repertoire.  Despite the difficulty of attending to our loved ones AND our selves, it is worth the effort. 

As Amy points out, our family may want us to dream.  Quite often they will say they do, but won't  provide the resources needed for the dream to happen either because they don't know how, or because they are ambivalent.  Either way we need to have the discussion.

As for Laura's comment, I suspect many of us are in the position of having others resist the pursuit of our dreams.  But, if we look a little further, we'll find that we have probably said 'what about me?' a time or two ourselves.  I know I have.  Just remember yes and no.  Both/and.  And why not re-read Psyche's 4th Task?

***

Which secret garden will we tend?
In most areas of our lives we can find both the disaster AND success.  I have just recently lost a baby at 20 weeks.  That was a disaster.  Still mourning.  Where is the success in that?  Here it is: my child gained her earthly body.  Becky

I did attend my 20th high school reunion this year, but I dreaded it.  I didn't want to confront my awkward teen-age self, and I didn't want to see that self reflected in the eyes of people who had known me then.  It turned out to be a healing event.  EHD

When I am around people that have never grown up, even at the age of 66 I can be wounded all over again.  From this experience I have learned distance and forgiveness.  The distance comes from moving away from the relationship.  The forgiveness comes when I don't ask others to sacrifice their happiness to keep me happy.  Kindness, I would like to think, fills the corners of the garden.  b

Please weed this conversation out of your Secret Garden, and throw it on your personal "compost heap".  By composting such experiences, you recognize that there is "garbage" in life, but that it can be reworked for good; after a significant amount of time and proper decomposition, it may even be used to nourish and fortify your Secret Garden. Nothing beats good fertilizer!  Danalee

Source:  istockphoto

Whitney's post-script:  These comments are heartfelt, insightful, pithy.

For further reading on this topic, my friend Julie recommended the memoir The Glass Castle.  It's a little tough to read, but a great case study on making a choice about how to frame our lives, and the importance of our loved ones in making that choice.  As you'll read in her dedication, it was Ms. Walls' husband who finally persuaded her to tell her story.  In his words, 'everyone who is interesting has a past.'

You may also want to read Sonja Lyubomirsky's post on Psychology Today; she wrote the book The How of Happiness.  If you still want more, you can listen to my friend Jane's NPR interview with Ms. Lyubomirksy here.

***    
Planting cherry trees
I re-read FDR's inauguration speech which was linked to the article you suggested. So much of what he said applies to us today.  It lifted my spirits for the day and given the market, that is priceless...Stacey

Sometimes we are like Veruca in Willie Wonka.  She says: "I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now." I liked your reminder to be grateful on a daily basis.  BW

This post ranks in my top 10 favorite Dare to Dream entries...We take care of each other by investing in each other. Throughout my first year of business, friends, family, and acquaintances took care of me by investing in my dream - financially, physically, and emotionally...Thanks for the reminder of the leap of faith that they took on my behalf.  Janna

Source:  istockphoto

Whitney post-script:  As we continue to move through this tough time, I wanted to share these words from Rabbi Irwin Kula.  In his book Yearnings, he writes, "Certainty is seductive.  Our culture rewards not-knowing a liability; but about the important things in life, the opposite may be true.  There isn't a single character in the Bible who understood beforehand the outcome of any journey he or she underwent.  What makes these characters so special is not that they are somehow superhuman, wiser or more evolved.  It's that they don't scale down their dreams to the size of their fears."

Thank you Rabbi Kula.

Thank you to each of you for sharing a piece of your selves.