Saying our name

Can you say your name?  Or would you rather stay unknown?  Stevie Wonder

When I voted this week, the poll worker looked up at me and said, 

"Whitney Johnson -- what a pretty name."

I get that compliment with some frequency, but I didn't use to.

When I was about ten, my parents were late to pick me up from the library.  After calling and asking the librarian to tell me they'd be late, not realizing I was within earshot, she said, 'Whitney -- what kind of a name is that?"

Not too many days later, I launched a 'Call Me Suzanne' campaign, complete with signage on my closet door. As you may have surmised, the campaign was a bust.  Everyone continues to call me Whitney, or some derivative thereof.

Sticks and bones may break my bones, but names....

You remember the rest of the couplet.

Patently untrue, isn't it?

Any words that people use to name us, or more generally speaking, to label us, deeply affect our identity.

In the The Zookeeper's Wife, Diane Ackerman's non-fiction work about one of the most successful hideouts during World War II, shares the following:

Polish emigre Eva Hoffman, writes movingly about the psychic earthquake of having to shed her name:   'Nothing much has happened, except a small, seismic mental shift.  The twist in our names takes them a tiny distance from us -- but it is a gap into which the infinite hobgoblin of abstraction enters.'  Suddenly her given name and her sister's no longer existed, even though 'they were as surely us as our eyes or hands.'  And the new names were 'identification tags, disembodied signs pointing to objects that happen to be my sister and myself.  We walk to our seats, into a roomful of unknown faces, with names that makes us strangers to ourselves.'

Our name, our identity -- our who we are.

How do we feel when someone remembers our name?  When someone calls us by name?  When someone asks us to link to them on LinkedIn with a personal note?

Many have credited Bill Clinton's remarkable political success to his interpersonal intelligence, his ability to read people, to remember their names.  I wouldn't be surprised if many feel the same about Barack Obama.

And what of the labels we affix to others?

Every day we see something impressive or magnificent in those around us. Some we know well, some we don't.  Do we tell them what we think?  Do we give them the gift of our words, helping to make their identity less abstract, more concrete?

If we were to put a slight twist on the names or labels we currently give to people, what kind of mental seismic shift might occur?  For them?  for us?

Sticks and stones may break our bones, but names...

...will always help us?  Heal us?

Much better.

What is your name?  Do you like it?   Do people use your name?  If you are a woman and married, and took on the name of your husband, how did your identity shift?  What about the other labels that make up your identity?

Have you reinforced your identity by purchasing your domain name?  If it's too expensive to buy www.annjohnson.com because someone already owns it, why not buy annjjohnson.com?

Have you bought domain names for your children?  Instead of buying stock or savings bonds for their next birthday, why not buy them domain names?

Have you named your dream?

Comments

[Matt Langdon]

It definitely feels good to have my name used in a positive way - as an expert on something. I was always part of a bigger organization and now my name is my company I guess. It means more to hear it.

[Matt Langdon]

And I keep meaning to buy my domain name and put something up, I keep thinking of other things to do :)

[LL]

I love when people use my name, it makes such a difference and always feels good.
I never have loved my name, I always wanted to be Natalie. I too went through a name change attempt...I wrote Christine (my middle name) on my school work. I remember my teacher saying "no more"
Your library story hurts my heart...words from others have such an impact.
THANK YOU for all of your kind words, especially this weekend. I was so appreciative of your encouragement!
GREAT POST, thanks!!!

[lisle]

Great post. I think everyone understands how your name can affect your thoughts about yourself. One of the best bits of advice I ever got was to never, ever refer to my children negatively (monster, troublemaker, etc) because they'd live up to the title I gave them. Generally, we've done well, and I think they've turned out rather nicely. Of course, I'm biased.

At the same time, I used my nickname until I went to college, and nobody knew it there. It was strange, but kind of liberating to realize I was an adult and nobody knew my background.

[Dana King]

Never thought about buying domain names. How cool...I will do it for a Christmas present for my kids!

Hilarious about your unsuccessful name change. I did the same thing. I tried to get people to call me "Jill". I still like the name "Jill".

But I have come to love my name "Dana" because it is not too common...and I like to think that I am not too common.

It can also be a male name, was originally more popular as a male name, in fact. I like that it is not a y name. Maybe I think it makes me feel I can be taken seriously in a man's world.

And I think "dana" is a pretty name...best of all, my dad picked out the name. My dad says he still loves my name best of all names, but quite often he calls me by a nickname: Chickadee. His special name for me makes me warm and loved.

I might have liked to have a hyphenated name using my maiden name, but it didn't sound right and I was tired of having to spell it. "King", my husband's name, is simple, so I took it on.

[b]

I will post about this in a few days. I have so many references to the importance of a persons name. I will let you know.

b

[Amy Jo]

This was a thought provoking post for me. When naming my children I took that assignment seriously as I was hoping to find names that they would be happy with. Having a twin made my name take on a different dimension, and I always thought she got the better name until I learned to appreciate myself. Then my name became my name. I remember when I was married I was sad to lose my maiden name, in a sense, because it had been my identity for so long, and it was a good association.

[carolyn r]

I really liked this post-I feel strongly about remembering a persons name and using it when talking with them. It makes them feel worthwhile and important. I know I feel good when people remember and say my name. In a scene in "Pretty Woman" Richard Gere's character who is rich and powerful remembers the name of the hotel manager. (After not acknowledging him before.) It is profound for him-as it is for us when we are acknowledged.

[EHD]

What is a reliable way to purchase a domain name? I understand there are a lot of companies that sell them, but there seem to be fronts on fronts on fronts, and you end up paying a lot of unnecessary fees.

[anonymous]

I am curious about how most women feel about changing their last name upon marriage. Or, if men feel a change in the identity of their wives when the name change occurs? Does that viewpoint change as the number of years married increases? I did not change my name because I felt I would lose too much of myself - all that I'd accomplished as my maiden name in my profession. I had known a married couple for years who used different last names, and never seemed less united than any other family with one last name, to me or to other friends, even with children. I thought the same would happen in my situation. But there have been times when I felt we appeared less united, simply because of our different names. I'm still not sure if that is a product of the inner workings of my mind, or because our different names seemed to confuse many people where we moved to after we married. And, while my automatic response still is to introduce myself as my maiden name, I do enjoy being able to use either my married or maiden name, depending on the situation... but switching back and forth can be dissatisfying only because it lacks the elegance of simplicity.

[Diane Gardiner]

In reaction to the first comment on this post. It was VERY difficult for me to change my name when I married my husband, now 11 1/2 years. I contemplated very seriously not taking his name. Added to the notion that my name was all inclusive in my identity was the fact that my family is 4th generation in this area and has a very prominent, and respectable reputation. I also began my career with my maiden name, pre-marriage. However, I did take his name because 1- When we were married I had no idea that we would end up settling back in my hometown, my husband being from the other side of the country. and 2- I was raised in a culture that made me feel odd about not. It has been a challenge for both my husband and I but has definately gotten better over time. 4 children later I am proud to have them carry his name and have the reputation and respect they merit owned by their father. At one time he was insulted that I always refered to my maiden name but he has learned the value of it, for which I am grateful. When we go to prominent places and meet new people he has learned to claim my family's name as quickly as I do. My parents were acutlely aware of the dillemma that girls come upon when deciding to change their names, my mother included, and for this reason the 4 boys in my family were given middle names at birth but the 3 girls were not.
We simply took our maiden name on as our middle name upon marriage. It made it quite simplistic in the end for my career also, and I am very grateful. In short- live and learn- time does make things open your eyes and appreciate more on both sides of the question.