Bonnie Tonita White: Delight in the Doing

Through her roles as a French immersion teacher, public affairs and media relations specialist, commercial real estate agent and retail sales associate, Bonnie Tonita White has acquired the skill set she needs to tackle the dreams she would not or could not dream when she was younger.  A stay-at-home mother whose nest is now nearly empty, she is eager to walk many more miles before her day is done.

When you leave a comment you will not only be eligible for the $75 spa gift certificate giveaway, you will be giving Bonnie the gift of letting her know you've learned from her, while allowing her to learn from you.

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One day while reading to my toddler Josh, I encouraged him to illustrate the story so as to make the story more meaningful.  As this appealed to his creative nature, he settled in beside me with crayons and paper to draw his interpretation of the story.  However, as Josh began to draw, he became frustrated, so frustrated, it was distracting.  When I asked what was the matter, he became even more agitated and soon began pounding the crayon onto the paper with forceful intense strokes.

When again I asked "What is the matter?", he looked up at me with his big sad eyes and tear-streaked cheeks and said, "It's no good.  I can't make it like I see it!"  His imagination and past experience with professionally illustrated books exceeded his physical coordination and ability.  He had the ability of a three year-old, with all of the expected, glorious, crudeness of design, but wanted that of an adult, a gifted and well-paid illustrator.

 Source:  istockphoto

I have recalled this experience many times when disappointed by work that falls short of what I had imagined or envisioned. In organizing a birthday party or decorating a home, for example, we have the opportunity to express ourselves, and yet, after seeing decorating spreads in magazines, I can quickly become discouraged, criticizing my own best efforts.

When my daughters were young, there was a recently widowed Jewish woman who greeted each new child to our neighborhood with a request to find a rock and bring it to her.  She would then paint the rock with flowers and birds and trees and inscribe the child's name.  Her drawings were unschooled and simple, yet my daughters, the recipients of these lovely gifts, kept them for years.  As an illustrator she was an amateur, but as a giver of gifts, she was world-class -- her imagination and desire falling anything but short in the eyes of my children.

Source:  istockphoto

As my children leave the nest, I'm ready to tackle some new dreams. Because I'll be doing new things, by definition, I won't necessarily be good at everything I try.  I wonder if I can accept and be proud of my baby step accomplishments? Can I accept the space that lies between imagination and my best efforts? 

I also wonder if there are some 'magic words' that I can say to myself when I'm trying something new, that will make it easier (e.g. what would I say to a 1 or 2 year-old learning to walk?)

In short, can I take delight in what I'm doing?

I don't know.

But, I'll give it the 2 year-old try.

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This is tough, isn't it?

When I enrolled in voice lessons, because I am a rather accomplished pianist, but vocally I don't have much to work with, it was often discouraging. When I started working on Wall Street... not good at that either.  And the parenting thing... About 12 years into it, I think I may be getting my bearings. 

Is it possible to send perfectionism packing?  Meaning, if we could have the mindset of two year-old for whom nearly everything is new, what would we try?

 

Finally, after you leave a comment for Bonnie here, click through to her post The Blue Slippers.  It was after reading this autobiographical story that our fellow Resolutionaries encouraged her to do more writing.

Comments

[Jenny]

Bonnie, you express yourself beautifully. I talked to my mother-in-law just this weekend about how we see so much that is good around us and in others, but when we turn the lenses in our own eyes on ourselves, we see flaws and imperfections. Why do we do that? I'm trying so hard not to be critical of myself, but I was guilty just today, of that very thing.

[Jenn Knight]

Loved this, Boonie! I miss hearing all your insights and comments on the Resolutionary group. It's great that you are taking your writing a step further in the publication process. Good for you!!

[Allison Raddon]

Loved It. Atta Girl Bonster! Keep up the good work -
Allison in Utah

[karlee]

I feel like this so very often! Not only in the things I try to do, but also in the life I try to live. Sometimes I get so caught up in trying to find joy everyday that it becomes a task.. a chore. I am currently trying to figure out how to settle into a balance.

[Rebecca]

Perfectionism kept me from delighting in too many things for too many years...it's a very hard lesson to learn. With time I've come to enjoy the creating, even if it's not perfect, and even laugh at utter imperfection (like my s'more pie experiment). I hope this evolution of mine is helping my kids be braver than I was not in the not too distant past.

Bonnie, I LOVE your bravery and sense of adventure as you face a new phase of life.... Enjoy & Very best wishes to you! Remember that you've got RC friends cheering you on:)

[Dana King]

Honestly I don't face fear too much any more. That sounds weird, I know. I just don't fuss about or fear about much, but maybe that will change? Likely not. I just dont have time, literally. Fear takes too much time.
Around the time I hit 40 (I am 47 or 46, can't remember?) I became liberated from fear, not all of a sudden, but gradually.
I just go after things with gusto, delight in any activity I do, even if not perfected (what is perfection, is it not doing things with "perfect delight"?). I don't know what caused the change, because I would let perfectionism or fear get in the way for many years. It might have been seeing my mother on her death bed. I may have determined that life is too short to let fear get in the way. My mom was a great example. She faced challenges head on, her career and her cancer. In the three years she was sick her assets under management (she was a financial planner) doubled. Some might cut back their business during an illness, she doubled it. She hoped to get better, or at worst have a strong business that would leave a legacy and nest egg for her children.
I do wonder if I might face a challenge that brings out real fear in me. Mostly challenges invite my participation, doing with perfect delight!
Keep going Bonnie, atta girl!

[Mercedes]

first, i saw an early draft of this and i love how you have flushed it out and focused your thoughts. really lovely writing mom!

second, i struggle a lot with accepting that place between my imagination and my best efforts. i don't want to write "an" article, i want to write "THE" article. i don't want to make "some" craft, i want to make "THE" project that would make martha stewart green with envy! sometimes my desire to do something big (and my fear that it won't turn out) prevents me from working on the things that i really care about.

my solution for when i start feeling like i have to do it now and it has to be perfect is to focus less on outcomes, but rather on the fact that i am doing something. i am taking baby steps. while i've yet to achieve some of the big things i've imagined, i'm moving and in the right direction! for right now i am just going to let myself be proud of that.

[Janna]

Many years ago, I had a friend who used to say, "Nothing is worth doing unless you do it perfectly." Wow. That's the PERFECT way to make sure you never get anything done.

Firstly, who says what perfect is? I find that it's almost always characteristics that someone else is defining for me. Secondly, when you put yourself out there, someone is not going to like what you do. It could be "perfect," but someone out there will still hate it because we are all entitled to singular tastes and preferences.

For these reasons, it's essential to throw off the fetter of perfectionism - it's a complete illusion - or even more accurately, it's a lie.

[Bonnie Tonita White]

It's interesting how this is turning into a discussion on perfection and its crippling effects. I loved Dana's idea of doing it with perfect delight. Where does that idea of not being enough come from? What does enough mean to you? What has you done that you just felt so satisfied with the outcome? When did you stand still like God and say: "It is perfect"?

[Maria]

Bonnie, this is so inspiring, your story and the comments posted. I'd been feeling like Josh, but I'm going to go write "perfect delight" on my mirror and let it guide me!

[Amy Jo]

This was a very insightful and well written thought! I just heard this week about a study they did on the brain, recording what happened to the brain when successes were achieved, as well as failure occurred. Interestingly, the brain grew a bit more during failures. If we try and fail, we work so hard figuring out what we could do better to be successful it's just as positive as succeeding. When I heard this, it made trying all those new things out in the world that are available a little less scary.

[Whitney Johnson]

Amy -

This study sounds quite interesting, and definitely worth exploring. Would you be willing to track down where you saw this and share it with us?

[Rebecca Cressman]

Bonnie-I loved the parallel of your little boy recognizing his skill deficiency and feeling real frustration. I find I don't delight in that experience..but I do delight in the step by step mastery of new skills, abilities, and experience. But, as adults we rarely get to yell "I did it!" like kids do. That is pure delight.

[Lisle]

I love this discussion! I think that the perfectionism we all tend toward is probably the reason we feel overwhelmed so often. I have that in my world, caused by my own expectations. I'm really liking the idea of approaching life like a 2-year old. That sounds fun! (and maybe a little dangerous)

[Saren]

I love the idea of learning to "accept the space that lies between imagination and my best efforts." I'm extremely good at envisioning wonderful things - and I get very attached to my ideas of how things should be. Then when reality doesn't quite line up with what I envisioned, it's hard not to get all bent out of shape. Thank you for the reminder that we need to learn to be content with our best efforts. And we need to accept that the journey is often more important than the result. I'd love to have you become a contributor to my website - The Power of Moms. Your perspective would be a great addition. Please check out the website and let me know if you're interested!