Michele Pierce: A Mother's Thoughts on Adoption

Michele Pierce has worked in the field of education and educational publishing for over 25 years as a teacher, editor and writer.  She holds a master's degree in Education from Harvard.  Michele enjoys being a wife and mother, practicing yoga, skiing, reading, and walking her new baby -- a 90lb. Bernese Mountain Dog named Boots.

After you read Michele's post, and leave a comment you will be eligible for a $75 spa gift certificate. More importantly, we will have the opportunity to listen to and learn from one another. 

“It must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own.”

Groan. A familiar wave of disappointment rushes over me. “When will they get it right?”

This tagline from a soon-to-be-released “slasher” movie is a stinging example of how the media continues to drive the myth that parents can’t love a child they adopted as much as a biological one.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, though. Adoption receives very little public attention, and the attention it does get is mostly about the extremes. Why wouldn’t people’s ideas about adoption continue to be formed to a large extent by myths and stereotypes?

I’m the mother of two beautiful and strong-willed daughters, ages 11 and 8. My life is probably a lot like yours—filled with mothering my children, walking the dog, keeping up with laundry, volunteering, working full-time, and trying desperately to find time for myself and my husband. 

I’m so busy with all of this that I mostly forget how I became their mother.

 

Source:  istockphoto

It’s been over 12 years since my husband and I first began our journey to adoption. It started with letting go of a dream of creating a child together. (A child that looked like us and of course only inherited our most positive traits!) It continued with the recognition that the most important part of our dream was the desire to create a family. And it ended with learning firsthand that parenthood is not about biology.

It is my hope that as more and more people become touched by adoption, they will come to the same understanding. In the meantime, here are some things to know: 

• Adoption happens because some adults cannot parent; it is not because they are uncaring or a child is “bad.”

• Adoptive parents are “real.” Children who were adopted have two sets of “real” parents. The ones who raise them and the ones who created them.

• Adoptive families are created in a different way, but being in an adoptive family is the same as being in any other family.

• Children who were adopted are not more likely to be “troubled.” Research shows that adoptees are as well-adjusted as their non-adopted peers.

• Children who were adopted are not “lucky.” We are the lucky ones. Without them, we would not have had the opportunity to become parents.

And most importantly, adoptive parents love their children no differently than if they were “their own.” I think Marie Osmond said it best. When asked which of her children were adopted, she simply replied, “I have no idea. I can’t remember.”

***

In reading Michele's piece, I realize that I've thought, if not said, "it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own", making me wonder how much I, or any of us, really know about how to love another.

When we have biological children, do we take for granted that we will be close as a family, rather than recognizing that we need to create ties that are familial?

Some of us may have biological parents, siblings, cousins to whom we are close, others do not. What can we learn from Michele's thoughts and feelings about the essence of building relationships that are safe and secure, even family-like?

Do we have to birth all of our dreams?  Or can we adopt a dream?  Once we adopt a dream, and tend and care for that dream, is it any less or more ours, than if we had 'birthed' it?

Comments

[amy jo]

I really liked Marie's quote. How perfect for her and her children, since they're a family. Also, I love the analogy of adopting a dream, rather than birthing it. Sometimes I think the thought of creating a new something might hold me back more than hoping on another great idea and having that be my dream. Great post!

[caraf]

I really liked this post, especially the comment that parenthood is not about biology and that adoption doesn't happen because the children are bad. Stereotypes can have such a profound effect upon people's views... even when the stereotypes are incorrect. All children deserve love and a feeling that they are safe and secure, and if that happens best through adoption, great!

I also liked the idea of connecting the idea of adoption to adopting a dream. I don't feel like I am very creative, so this helps me feel more free to learn from other's dreams and adopt them into my own life!

[Stacey P]

I really enjoyed 'what I need to know'. I have a friend who did a blended approach: adopting 2 children from Russia and after 10 years of IVF, one painful pregnancy where she lost one of her twins but the other is doing well.
Honestly, I had no idea your girls were adopted and I am sure I blundered through that conversation when I first discovered it - I would love to know 'the best' way to respond to: Oh, my children are adopted...

[Lisle]

How great that you willing to share how you got your family! I suspect it takes a great amount of courage to go into an adoption--it's a huge commitment of time, funds, and openness. And unlike biological parenting, where costs can mount up over time and parents may not realize how much they're putting in, you've had to put all that effort in at the beginning to prove you really want it. Good for you!

[Jenny]

Lovely. There was a beautiful post about adoption over at Segullah yesterday...
http://segullah.org/up-close/a-mothers-gift/
What a great topic.

[Rebecca]

I remember hearing/reading that comment by Marie Osmond....so perfect. I would think that having this absolute inclusionary way of parenting is ideal for the adoptive children as well. They aren't an asterisk, but an equal member of the family.

[www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=627020723]

Michele - Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Both your daughters are beautiful and you have a simply wonderful family. You've given me a lot of great things to think about.

[www.reallifesupportformomsblog.com]

My sister is adopted from Korea. My daughters have several friends who have been adopted from China. I like that my kids accept that you don't have to look like the people in your family to be family. P.S. You might want to check out
www.alovelyproblemtohave.blogspot.com. The author has a lovely story about adopting a baby girl, and then becoming pregnant very soon after with another.

[Michele P]

Thank you all for your lovely comments and links. For obvious reasons I am very passionate about this subject and love any opportunity to help educate.

(And Rebecca yes! it is ALL about the children!)

Stacey, your question is a great one. I've been in many of those exact situations and people have felt very uncomfortable because of not knowing what to say. Sometimes I don't tell people simply because of that, and sometimes (more as they get older) because it is really my children's story to share and I want to protect that.

I'm going to have to think about this one...

[Stephanie]

I saw the trailer for the film you are referencing and I was abhorred. I have encouraged family and friends to boycott the film because of its negative (and false) messages about adoption. Thank you for addressing it here!

I am also a mother - one daughter was adopted and one is biological. Unlike some adoptive families, we are unable to pick and choose who we share our adoption story with. We are caucasian and one of our daughters is Ethiopian. Needless to say, we answer a great many questions wherever we go. We fully anticipated this, but there have been moments when it would be nice to grocery shop without being an advertisement for adoption. Although in some ways maybe we have it 'easier' because the decision to share vs. not share has already been made for us.

And you I must agree that whether one has birthed or adopted your dream, s/he is equally beautiful and treasured.

[thechroniclesofemilymarie.blogspot.com]

I think because I have some unique experiences with adoption it seems much more public in my circle of friends and family. From old boyfriends who were adopted, to college roommates who have adopted and even considering it myself -- I'm early 30's and might not ever get married. It's very interesting the feelings about adoption that are raised. I see my best friend explain to her 3 1/2 year old that this mother's day card is for his birth mom. He might not get it yet but they constantly reinforce the fact that he has two moms who love him very much. My other roommate adopted an african-american baby who is also 3 1/2 now. They were thrilled when they got the call (her husband has cystic fybrosis) to add to their family. Little did they know that members of their immediate families had deep seeded prejudices that had never surfaced before. It took some adjusting for her to see how her family looked in other people's reactions, one child blond hair blue eyes could really be biologically theirs and brown hair brown eyes and brown skin obviously not their own. To the old boyfriend who found his birthmother with the help of Melissa Gilbert (also adopted). Adoption is about love and creating your family with the help of others.

[Bonnie Tonita White]

I found this whole discussion very troubling and yet very thought provoking. Troubling in that we continue to have so many prejudices and thought provoking in the idea of how biology doesn't necessarily make us good parents. I sat on the LDS Social Services board for adoption. I never once failed to be touched by the powerful decision of a young woman to give up her baby. Nor the serrendipitous circumstances that always placed the baby with the right family. The Spirit was always so abundant and truly miracles right before our eyes were manifest. For all of us, mothering doesn't just happen when the sperm penetrates the zygote. Mothering is a series of little victories, small obstacles, tender kisses, bruised knees and unmet expectations. It is available to all women - in all circumstances.