dare to dream

Bits and Bobs

Bit No 1:  You have until Sunday evening, May 30, to leave a comment on the post Mind in the Making:  A Parenting Manual for the 21st Century and become eligible for an autographed copy of the book.  While you are visiting, take a moment to read the the comments that precede yours:  the observations are eloquent and wise.

Bob No. 2:  Have you read Pamela Slim's post titled The Grace in Falling Apart?  If you are moving into your daring and dreaming place, and haven't yet shaken off desperate and depressed, and now find yourself also saddled with terrified, read this post.  Could you feel yourself relax?  I could.  Perhaps Ms. Slim should re-title the piece Falling into Grace.

Bit No. 3:  This past week Saydi Eyre Shumway's The Snapshot That Changed My Life inspired thousands of readers, thanks to a mention by Becky Higgins.  One of my favorite lines from Saydi's post is, "I’ve tried to view photography as a tool for helping people create images that their souls long to experience."  No wonder this post resonated with the scrapbooking community!  Congratulations Saydi.

Bob No. 4:  On Jenny Whitcomb's recommendation, I used my 40% off Borders coupon to buy The Wednesday Sisters, a book about women who encourage one another as they dream.  If that's not enough dreaming for you, also read The Help.  A perfect summer read.

Bit No. 5:  On this Memorial Day weekend, thank you to all those who make our country a place where we we can pursue our dreams.  I have long believed that the terrorists who bombed the World Trade Center not only wanted to kill us, they wanted to kill our hope for the future -- the American dream.  By defending us, you keep us and our dreams alive.

Any bit or bob you'd like to share?

Mind in the Making: A Parenting Manual for the 21st Century

Ellen Galinsky’s latest book, “Mind In The Making” may well be the next iconic parenting manual, up there with Spock and Leach and Brazelton, one that parents turn to for reassurance that all is more or less okay, reminders of how to make it better and glimpses of what’s to come.  Lisa Belkin, NY Times

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Recently, I was asked to review Mind in the Making:  The Seven Essential Life Skills Every Child Needs by Ellen Galinsky, a child education expert, and the founder of The Families and Work Institute.  In exchange, the Institute will make available three autographed copies of Ms. Galinsky's book to our dare to dream community.  Hurray for giveaways!  To be eligible, just leave a comment on this post between today, May 23 and Sunday, May 30. 

The seven essential life skills include:   

1. Focus and self-control;
2. Perspective taking;
3. Communicating;
4. Making connections; 
5. Critical thinking;
6. Taking on challenges;
7. Self-directed, engaged learning.

For each of the skills, Galinksy shows what research has proven, and provides concrete things that parents can do to strengthen these skills in their children.  I'll highlight one in particular:

Teaching our children to take on challenges

In high school, I avoided calculus, sticking to what I thought I could do, in order to get 'A's, and reinforce the view that I was smart.  The problem with my childhood approach, and with fostering it in our children, is that if we only stick to what we can do, we will never really take life on, a skill that is essential to dreaming.

Ms. Galinsky explores this topic not by tackling perfectionism, but by examining how children learn to manage stress.  Citing the research of Megan Gunnar of the University of Minnesota, an expert on stress and coping in children, she writes "if you never allow your children to exceed what they can do, how are they going to manage adult life -- where a lot of it is managing more than you thought you could manage?"

Soure:  istockphoto

Galinsky proceeds to enumerate how we can teach our children to manage stress.  They include, among others: 1) Manage your own stress; 2)  Turn to others who can help you manage your own stresses; 3)  Take time for yourself; 4) Don't shield your child from everyday stresses; 5) Know that a warm, caring and trusting relationship with your child make you a stress-buster; 6)  Understand your child's temperament -- observe what your child does to calm down, and build on his or her strengths.

Galinsky then explains, "when I first began contemplating this skill, I saw it as managing stress.  As I thought more deeply, I saw it as the skill of resilience.  But now it is clear to me that the real essential skill is taking on challenges--being proactive rather than reactive when difficulties arise.  My mother always called it "getting back on the horse after falling off.  And with so many of her Mom-isms, she was right."

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There is so much more; here are a few snippets.

1.    How I felt -- When I first started reading, I felt myself bristling, defensive, guilt-ridden.  My children are 13 and 9, old enough that I am aware of my mistakes.  The magic of this book is that gradually I came to see that I am doing many things right, to feel more love for my children, to see there is still a lot I can do to teach them these essential skills, both didactically, and by modeling change in myself.  Sometimes it feels like the parenting game is over, but it never is.

2.   Lemonade stands -- All of our children need something that matters to them. It may not be what we would choose for ourselves or for them.  It doesn't matter.  "Every child needs lemonade stands, Galinsky's metaphor for something children really care about, throughout childhood; caring strongly about interests beyond oneself engenders focus."  Adults need lemonade stands too.

Source:  istockphoto

3.   13-yr olds and homework  -- Galinsky's simple explanation of how the brain works helped me recognize that when my son is not managing his homework load well, there may be sheer laziness, but it is also that developmentally he doesn't yet know how to project plan. This learning significantly alters my approach when I ask what he needs to get done for homework this weekend....

4.   Favorite skills - a clue to our strengths? -- I drank in the chapter on Making Connections, perhaps because this is one of my strengths.  Could it be that the chapters we like most are those where we are particularly strong, and/or those we most want, hence I chose to write about Taking on Challenges.

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P.S.  When approached about a review or giveaway, I'm naturally cautious, but because the recommendation came through Chrysula Winegar at Work. Life. Balance, who sets the bar rather high when it comes to thoughtful voices, I agreed.  I'm glad I did.

What are your thoughts? 

I know it's difficult without reading the book, so leave a comment below and become eligible for one of the three autographed copies!

 

Knowing what to overlook

My 9 yr-old daughter bounded into our bedroom this morning, announcing that she has two projects on the docket for today.  The first is a habitat with rocks and soil in a re-purposed lizard tank (think fish tank but for land creatures).  The second is to make animals out of homemade play-doh and paint them.

As I listened to the unveiling of her plans, the only thing I could really focus on was that her fingernails were dirty, and needed to be cut before we go to church.

Seriously.

I did finally push out of my mouth something like "What great initiative Miranda! Sounds like a terrific project!"  But this was not my first or even screaming-to-be-said thought.

When we interact with adults, and even other people's children, we make a concerted effort to emphasize the good over the bad, carefully timing any bad.  Yet we often, even compulsively, and clumsily point out what isn't right with our children.

Wrote William James, "the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

I'm thinking that if I want to rear children that know how to dream, and be a person around whom others will feel it's safe to dream, it would behoove me to work on overlooking the bad, underscoring the good.

I will eventually mention that my daughter needs to trim her nails, because good grooming is important. But the timing difference -- a delay of just two hours -- is key.

What and when to overlook.

May we be wise.

Giveaway, Glorious ($50 Gift Certificate) Giveaway

I've said it before, and I'll say it again---One of the joys of being a blogger is that I get approached about giving things away.  To you.  And that makes me SO happy.

When you GIVE:
Comments on any 'dare to dream' blog post between Tuesday, May 11 and Sunday evening, May 16 at midnight.   You are welcome to comment on this post, but my preference would be for you to leave a comment for one of the guest bloggers -- let each guest know she's being heard.

You will definitely GET:
Happy at knowing you have encouraged another dreamer;

You MAY GET:
A $50 gift certificate to use at CSN Stores. 

There are many items toward which you could use your gift certificate.  Here's just a sampling:

CSN is especially excited about their lighting fixtures -- take a look.

I personally like this secretary storage desk.

As well as the P'Kolino children's table and chairs.

If you'd want to spend no more than $50, click through to cookware.

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Happy you are here.

Ready, set, comment.

Lisa Poulson: Bette Davis (and Epictetus) were Right

Lisa Poulson, a Managing Director in Burston-Marsteller's Global Technology Group. brings a deep understanding of the processes of persuasion to her work.  During more than 20 years in the field, Lisa launched Java technology to business, trade and consumer press and analysts -- taking it from a lab project to an international force in software.  She has also managed communications and corporate marketing at two start-ups.  Lisa is LDS, single, just learning to knit, and lives in a lovely apartment with four walk-in closets in San Francisco, perhaps the most beautiful city in the country. 

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The great Roman philosopher Epictetus said, “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, some things are not.” 

Oh how I wish I could attain this happiness and freedom.  Instead, I rage and I pine.

Source:  istockphoto

Against the aging process.

To wit, my arms have become the consistency of melting ice cream, as if they were slipping from custard to liquid inside of a bag.  When I bend over my belly looks like lumpy pudding saturating a hammock.

My eyes are circled in lines.  My knees shriek when I stand up after watching a movie – I limp down the stairs holding the rail, amazed and yet unsurprised at the betrayal.

Also I can’t see.  I can’t see who’s on the phone without my glasses.  I can’t read the newspaper.  I can’t read a prescription bottle. 

And I am only 47. 

People tell me I look great for my age (whatever that means).  I exercise (cardio and Pilates), try to eat the right foods, etc.  I do try to control what’s happening to my body.  But somewhere inside I know it is largely futile. I know I have turned the irrevocable corner from growth to decay, and I know that this is beyond my control.

Perhaps it is because I am female, and therefore trained to be deeply invested in my appearance, or perhaps it is because I am vain, and am therefore deeply invested in my appearance, but these changes pierce every part of me.  Bette Davis was right – old age is no place for sissies.

It is not just my face and ligaments that are aging, but my soul, my mind, my perception of the future, my priorities, my regrets, my fears, my hopes.

How does one navigate the path ahead after turning that irrevocable corner? 

Epictetus also said, “Circumstances do not rise to meet our expectations. Events happen as they do.  People behave as they are. Embrace what you actually get.”

Source:  istockphoto

In the second half of life one needs new methods, new rules.  One sets aside broad hopes and dreams for a glorious future full of adventures.  One sets aside hopes for springy knees and smooth skin.  One learns that the most graceful thing to do is to embrace what you actually get, what you actually have.

I’ll be 50 in three years.  My plan is to work on embracing what I actually have, building depth about what I already know and who I already am and who I already love.  This is my process for devising Life 5.0 – my life at 50 – the new version of myself and my life.

It’s a quieter way to dream, and a narrower way to dream, but nonetheless a deep way to live a life.

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Is there any inevitability against which you are raging and pining?

"I have turned the irrevocable corner from growth to decay, and I know that it is beyond my control." After reading Lisa's post, I thought again of Krista Paulson's Learning to Slow Down about dealing with her husband's leukemia.  We all have things that we can't control, including our age -- and it is difficult.  At what point, do we finally let go?  And embrace what we have?

Devising Life 5.0 or Life 4.0 or 6.0 or 3.0 - how do our dreams change depending on the decade in which we are in?

Heather Simonsen: Patience to Get Up the Hill

Heather Simonsen is a published author and former magazine and newspaper writer who has appeared in O, The Oprah Magazine and The New York Times. She was a spokesperson for the 2002 Olympic Torch Relay and an honorary torchbearer. A former award-winning television news reporter, she shares her chic mid-century modern home in Salt Lake City with her husband, an eco-friendly architect and City Councilman, and two beautiful children. She and her husband are expecting a baby girl at the end of the summer.

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I am not known for my patience. My mother, through tears of laughter, loves to tell the story of me as a toddler in my ruffled dress, matching socks and Mary Janes. I wanted my socks off but not my shoes. My mother began removing my shoes, trying to reason with me that to remove my socks, the shoes would have to come off first. I wanted nothing to do with it and continued screaming for her to take off my socks, not my shoes. This story has become a part of family lore.

The other day on my morning walk that has become my reprieve from a difficult pregnancy I listened to Mary Chapin Carpenter on The Diane Rehm Show. Amidst puddles of water from snowmelt, and iced spring blossoms, the lyrics to her newest song THE AGE OF MIRACLES touched me. You think you're just standing still/One day you'll get up that hill/In the age of miracles/There's one on the way. I nearly wept.

Source:  istockphoto

We were ready for our third baby five years ago but had difficulty getting pregnant. My perfect picture of life wasn't happening. Through many prayers, pregnancy tests, a surgery, and patience, we have been blessed with a healthy baby girl on the way. I didn't ever think I would be pregnant again at 40, with kids on the cusp of becoming teenagers, but I'm finding that there are such advantages. I'm older and wiser, and better able to appreciate the miracle of childbearing. My kids are mature enough to already dote on the baby and love her with abandon. They both rub my tummy each night and talk with her. They write in her journal about how much they love her. It is tender and sweet. The other night my son sat on the bed next to me, his blue eyes wide, the waning light from the sunset outside our window. His voice was genuine and full of excitement. "I just cannot wait to meet her," he said.

Source:  istockphoto

I'm also working on the fourth rewrite of my novel, BORROWING LIGHT, pursuing my dream of obtaining a New York publisher for my work. This dream has not come to fruition on my timetable either, but there have many gifts along the way. I have found lifelong friends in other writers, and planted seeds of friendship with several literary agents, and learned something new every day as I work hard to finish this novel. I don't know when this big miracle will happen for me, but I know it will. I'm doing everything I can to help it along.

Source:  istockphoto

One day I'll get up that hill. I'll get the call from my literary agent that a top publisher wants my manuscript. I'll weep, and sing, and dance with my kids and my husband while holding my baby on my hip, grateful for dreams and miracles, and for the lessons I've learned along the way. And for patience, yes, the patience my mother tried to teach me long ago.

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Do you ever feel like you are standing still, but when you look back you realize that all along you were moving up the hill that is your dream?

Talk Behind My Back - Won't you please?

Whenever we learn that someone was 'talking behind our back' we immediately think they were saying something bad, and that may be true.

But sometimes people say good things, and those good things can be pretty important.

When I first started blogging, and gushed to a business adviser that people liked what I was writing, she immediately asked, "Are they people you know?  When people you don't know start to respond, then you'll know you have something."

Source:  istockphoto   

Not what I wanted to hear, but I got it.  People we know may tell us they like our work because they don't want to hurt our feelings.  Or, on the positive side, because our writing is an extension of who we are, of course they love what we've done.  The trick is for our voice to be compelling enough that when a reader has only our voice, a single piece of us to respond to, it still speaks to them.

But I digress.

Sort of.

Some months ago, I'd recommended to a professional colleague that he hire a contact of mine.   This past week, as a post-script to an an e-mail exchange on a completely separate topic, he wrote, "Heather is doing such a great job.  I'm thrilled that she's working with us." 

I forwarded this compliment to her.  Not surprisingly, she was delighted.  Would it have meant something had he delivered this praise directly to her?  Yes -- absolutely!  And knowing him, he probably has.  But a spontaneous, heartfelt, and nothing-to-be-gained compliment channeled through a 3rd party?  It was unvarnished, and now twice given, because in passing along this compliment I was implicitly agreeing with him: so very affirming. 

Source:  istockphoto

We hear nice things about our children, husbands, co-workers, and friends all the time.  A few laudatory words can be such a pick-me-up, especially on days when we wonder if we'll ever achieve our dreams. What if we were to more deliberately relay these accolades, rewriting the meaning of 'talking behind your back'?

I'd like to try. 

And whether or not it puts a smile on their face, I know it will put one on mine.