Knowing what to overlook

My 9 yr-old daughter bounded into our bedroom this morning, announcing that she has two projects on the docket for today.  The first is a habitat with rocks and soil in a re-purposed lizard tank (think fish tank but for land creatures).  The second is to make animals out of homemade play-doh and paint them.

As I listened to the unveiling of her plans, the only thing I could really focus on was that her fingernails were dirty, and needed to be cut before we go to church.

Seriously.

I did finally push out of my mouth something like "What great initiative Miranda! Sounds like a terrific project!"  But this was not my first or even screaming-to-be-said thought.

When we interact with adults, and even other people's children, we make a concerted effort to emphasize the good over the bad, carefully timing any bad.  Yet we often, even compulsively, and clumsily point out what isn't right with our children.

Wrote William James, "the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

I'm thinking that if I want to rear children that know how to dream, and be a person around whom others will feel it's safe to dream, it would behoove me to work on overlooking the bad, underscoring the good.

I will eventually mention that my daughter needs to trim her nails, because good grooming is important. But the timing difference -- a delay of just two hours -- is key.

What and when to overlook.

May we be wise.

Comments

[Rebecca]

Sometimes it takes hearing my kids being critical toward each other to make me realize I need to be a better example in this area.
Thanks for the reminder! I know I'm happier when I've honestly listened and engaged in my kids' plans.

[Amy Jo]

Your 9 year old announcing she had two projects on the docket today is so you! A chip off the old block, so to say. And yes, I wish I could be more positive with my boys. Life's too short!

[Lizzie]

Well said, Whitney. I've realized how important this is even with very little ones.

[Teresa]

Thanks, Whitney--such a great reminder.

[Blue]

wisdom again.

how i love this blog!

[Jaime]

I think about this often. I don't know what happened to a child on their way to school in the morning, or the fight they had with a loved one-- but the way that I, as an educator, interact with them will continue to set the tone for their day. There's a time for gentle guidance and preening, and then there's a time to allow them to dream and BE-- whatever they decide that is.

Thanks for the reminder.

[Bonnie White]

The list of what to teach a child is quite daunting. And that responsibility is like a tape that never shuts off nor a light that never goes out. Yet I am glad for those times when those who loved me enough overlooked my "dirty fingernails" instead of trying to teach/fix/coach me. Thanks for reminding me.

[Emily O]

Whitney-short and sweet. And exactly right. Thanks for the words of wisdom.

[Lisle]

Good for you for realizing that before it came out of your mouth!! I know that I very frequently blurt out those things before I listen, and sometimes that results in an opportunity lost. Being able to overlook is a wonderful quality--it helps to re-prioritize, and that keeps us remembering what's really important.

Thanks for this post!

[Jenny]

I struggled with the EXACT same thing today--wanting to stop my daughter in her tracks and tell her to brush her teeth! But I hugged her instead. She may not remember the hug later on, but I guarantee she would remember that I thought her teeth weren't clean enough if she were to recall the moment. It's good to count to 10 and re-focus. I love this post.

[Erik Orton]

This reminds me of one of my favorite books of all time: "If You Want to Write" by Brenda Ueland. The first chapter hits this same idea squarely on the head. (You can read it for free using the "Look Inside" feature on Amazon):

“For when you come to think of it, the only way to love a person is not, as the stereotyped Christian notion is, to coddle them and bring them soup when they are sick, but by listening to them and seeing and believing in the god, in the poet, in them. For by doing this, you keep the god and the poet alive and make it flourish.” p.6

Thanks for the post, Whitney.