Lisa Poulson: Bette Davis (and Epictetus) were Right

Lisa Poulson, a Managing Director in Burston-Marsteller's Global Technology Group. brings a deep understanding of the processes of persuasion to her work.  During more than 20 years in the field, Lisa launched Java technology to business, trade and consumer press and analysts -- taking it from a lab project to an international force in software.  She has also managed communications and corporate marketing at two start-ups.  Lisa is LDS, single, just learning to knit, and lives in a lovely apartment with four walk-in closets in San Francisco, perhaps the most beautiful city in the country. 

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The great Roman philosopher Epictetus said, “Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: some things are within our control, some things are not.” 

Oh how I wish I could attain this happiness and freedom.  Instead, I rage and I pine.

Source:  istockphoto

Against the aging process.

To wit, my arms have become the consistency of melting ice cream, as if they were slipping from custard to liquid inside of a bag.  When I bend over my belly looks like lumpy pudding saturating a hammock.

My eyes are circled in lines.  My knees shriek when I stand up after watching a movie – I limp down the stairs holding the rail, amazed and yet unsurprised at the betrayal.

Also I can’t see.  I can’t see who’s on the phone without my glasses.  I can’t read the newspaper.  I can’t read a prescription bottle. 

And I am only 47. 

People tell me I look great for my age (whatever that means).  I exercise (cardio and Pilates), try to eat the right foods, etc.  I do try to control what’s happening to my body.  But somewhere inside I know it is largely futile. I know I have turned the irrevocable corner from growth to decay, and I know that this is beyond my control.

Perhaps it is because I am female, and therefore trained to be deeply invested in my appearance, or perhaps it is because I am vain, and am therefore deeply invested in my appearance, but these changes pierce every part of me.  Bette Davis was right – old age is no place for sissies.

It is not just my face and ligaments that are aging, but my soul, my mind, my perception of the future, my priorities, my regrets, my fears, my hopes.

How does one navigate the path ahead after turning that irrevocable corner? 

Epictetus also said, “Circumstances do not rise to meet our expectations. Events happen as they do.  People behave as they are. Embrace what you actually get.”

Source:  istockphoto

In the second half of life one needs new methods, new rules.  One sets aside broad hopes and dreams for a glorious future full of adventures.  One sets aside hopes for springy knees and smooth skin.  One learns that the most graceful thing to do is to embrace what you actually get, what you actually have.

I’ll be 50 in three years.  My plan is to work on embracing what I actually have, building depth about what I already know and who I already am and who I already love.  This is my process for devising Life 5.0 – my life at 50 – the new version of myself and my life.

It’s a quieter way to dream, and a narrower way to dream, but nonetheless a deep way to live a life.

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Is there any inevitability against which you are raging and pining?

"I have turned the irrevocable corner from growth to decay, and I know that it is beyond my control." After reading Lisa's post, I thought again of Krista Paulson's Learning to Slow Down about dealing with her husband's leukemia.  We all have things that we can't control, including our age -- and it is difficult.  At what point, do we finally let go?  And embrace what we have?

Devising Life 5.0 or Life 4.0 or 6.0 or 3.0 - how do our dreams change depending on the decade in which we are in?

Comments

[Lisle]

I love you!! I have the same arms and belly, and I'm not yet 40. I'm not so thrilled with this part of the process, but I'm realizing that it's okay to set aside the "radiant golden tresses of my youth" for the platinum crown that's weaving its way into my hair. There ARE things that are more important; yarn is among them. Perhaps knitting will be the most meditative way to enter into life 5.0--keep us posted.

[Amy Jo Schenewark]

What a wonderful post! I love those bodily descriptions, as I'm approaching 5.0 this was a great way to sum up what I was trying to think. What is my life now, where am I going, am I making a difference? Will the world allow me to make a difference?

[Bonnie White]

Lisa as I look 60 squintingly but straight on, I feel the crumbling, the decay, the flickering of the mind too. But I rage against it - still not feeling like I have done what I came to earth to do. I'm not graceful at all. I'm still trying to grasp at what I can still get - while the joints and ears and eyes all betray you, the will burns brightly for I am not yet who I intend to be.

[EHD]

From the great Dylan Thomas:

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rage at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

I turn 40 this summer. The milestone scared me, so I am raging with all I have! :-) There is nothing like a challenge both to keep one young (and padd more gray hair and wrinkles): I started a Ph.D. program this year. It has been gratifying to realize that my mind is as agile as my much-younger classmates. Use it or lose it! EAch of us has so much to lose, and so much to use. Maybe I am myopic in being optimistic, but I am excited to enter the middle phase of life--it's a time to retool dreams and face new challenges.

[Rebecca]

I loved this post! I just started Life 4.0 & it does feel different. Just bought reading glasses & feel oh, so different than 3.0!
I love the depth of so many women who have passed the "natural" mid-point in life. The aches, wrinkles, and aging may not be stopped, but life can still be beyond beautiful, esp. with your perspective of embracing life. I love it.

[JBB]

Great post! Am I the only one who missed my 'prime'? I didn't even notice - I guess it was great. Now I have age spots and crows feet and many areas of my body that feel like bread dough. But I am happy with myself - especially if I'm wearing a good bra, good make up and lycra under my skirt.

[Jenny]

I was doing push-ups this morning. PUSH-ups!!! And my teenage son was wincing at the cracking of my joints. I was rejoicing that I could DO them. I am not resigned to decay--just willing to live with changes. I also rejoice in the fact that my spiritual self is still in its infancy--that as long as I'm continuing my quest to progress, there need be NO decay there. I like plowing through my decades like a toddler plows through discovery--I should be more graceful; but isn't discovery at ANY age exciting and worth embracing? LOVE LOVE LOVE this post. Really.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for writing such an honest and insightful post. It has inspired me to embrace my body at any age and to enjoy the pesky gray hair that comes with it.

[LisaP]

What a pleasure to read all of these great comments - it's a good reminder to me that the mind and soul do burn with hope and energy that barely slakes as the body changes. But perhaps also that's because the hopes change - they deepen and lose some of their breadth. Thanks all for keeping the struggle and triumph fresh in our minds!

[elizabeth oliver]

Great post - my thoughts are that my body may be 42 this year i still feel and act younger. Have taken up boxing (great to hit something all girls should do this) and when i run i sound like a person who should be locked away from children. i have decide that as long as the clothes keep fitting then we must be doing something right. hope spelling is correct put the glasses down in a safe spot and am trying to remember where the safe spot is again.

[lynn]

Thank you, Lisa, for an honest, poignant, funny and thought-provoking treatise on how you are dealing with the aging process. You got me thinking about how aging is affecting my goals, dreams and priorities, which I'd never considered before. The lines on my face and little sags elsewhere are a drag, but there are lots of pluses about growing older too. And I figure anything written in type so tiny I need longer arms to read it is not worth my time anyway. Great blog post!

[Janika]

When I look at you, Whitney, I honestly can't wait to be 47! You look great, are amazingly wise and have made an awesome life for yourself--I hope I can say the same in 10 years! Thanks for making me have something to look forward to!