Talk Behind My Back - Won't you please?

Whenever we learn that someone was 'talking behind our back' we immediately think they were saying something bad, and that may be true.

But sometimes people say good things, and those good things can be pretty important.

When I first started blogging, and gushed to a business adviser that people liked what I was writing, she immediately asked, "Are they people you know?  When people you don't know start to respond, then you'll know you have something."

Source:  istockphoto   

Not what I wanted to hear, but I got it.  People we know may tell us they like our work because they don't want to hurt our feelings.  Or, on the positive side, because our writing is an extension of who we are, of course they love what we've done.  The trick is for our voice to be compelling enough that when a reader has only our voice, a single piece of us to respond to, it still speaks to them.

But I digress.

Sort of.

Some months ago, I'd recommended to a professional colleague that he hire a contact of mine.   This past week, as a post-script to an an e-mail exchange on a completely separate topic, he wrote, "Heather is doing such a great job.  I'm thrilled that she's working with us." 

I forwarded this compliment to her.  Not surprisingly, she was delighted.  Would it have meant something had he delivered this praise directly to her?  Yes -- absolutely!  And knowing him, he probably has.  But a spontaneous, heartfelt, and nothing-to-be-gained compliment channeled through a 3rd party?  It was unvarnished, and now twice given, because in passing along this compliment I was implicitly agreeing with him: so very affirming. 

Source:  istockphoto

We hear nice things about our children, husbands, co-workers, and friends all the time.  A few laudatory words can be such a pick-me-up, especially on days when we wonder if we'll ever achieve our dreams. What if we were to more deliberately relay these accolades, rewriting the meaning of 'talking behind your back'?

I'd like to try. 

And whether or not it puts a smile on their face, I know it will put one on mine.

Comments

[corktree]

Recently as I was lamenting to someone that I felt a bit lonely and isolated, especially in my work at church as choir director, my friend told me that her and the accompanist and another person were always commenting about what a good job they thought I was doing and that they knew it was a difficult position to be in with people that don't always want to participate. It was comforting, but I found myself wondering why they had never said such things directly to me and wishing that they would take the time to publicly show me how they felt instead of discussing it when I wasn't around. I recognized the compliment, but in this case, it was dulled by the second hand delivery.

[Janna]

Two things:

1) To your point about people saying they like our work because they don't want to hurt your feelings. I tell my writing students that if no one is disagreeing with you, then you aren't saying anything worth paying attention to.
2) During a conversation recently with a friend, she blurted out, "I love you!" She later explained that she was feeling so much love for me while I was talking that she decided to just be out with it. How great is that?

[Lisle]

We did this thing growing up, where we would listen for those comments each other. When you heard one, you'd tell the person, "I have a TL for you," which meant that as soon as that person heard a compliment about you, they'd come back and tell you the same, and then you could share the nice things you'd heard about each other. I'm fairly certain the goal for my mother wasn't to have us saying nice things to each other (which was a very good secondary effect), but to teach us to listen in behalf of others, and to realize that we had the power to affect someone else's feelings.

I suspect that if more people were looking for things worth complimenting, and sharing aloud the good characteristics of others, our gossipy drama quotients would lower significantly. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

[Lisle]

Hmm, I missed a word. We listened for comments ABOUT each other...

;^)

[Sandy]

One of the things that I do when I work, is to thank each staff member personally for their contributions at the end of the day, even if it's just a: Thank you so much for your help today. I also like to 'catch them doing something good' and immediately compliment them on it. I know when my boss tells me what a great job I'm doing and thanks me for it, it lifts my spirits and I want to do even better.

It doesn't take much to raise another up.

[Amy Jo]

Makes me want to praise my kids more. Are they noticing it's only negative that I speak, or am I positive as well? Just a thought. I always speak about you behind your back! I'll be better about sharing my comments. You're absolutely right!

[Girlgumption]

Great post! I think this what I do with my Hudson Valley blog. I say great things about the restauarants and places I love behind the backs of the owners. Sometimes they find out about the nice review via Google search. Sometimes I tip them off later, but for most, it's a cool thing to learn that someone has been saying cool things about your business behind your back in a public forum, a blog.