dare to dream

She Negotiates: Part 3 of 4

It's Week 3 of my class She Negotiates.

This course definitely has the highest educational ROI (return on investment) in years.  Following is more of what I've learned, including a success story.

Value-claiming vs. Value-expanding negotiation -- According to one of our instructors Vickie Pynchon, there are two types of negotiation:

1. "Value claiming" negotiation in which you ask for more of the "fixed pie" of apparently limited resources. This is also called "distributive" bargaining because the parties to this type of negotiation are attempting to distribute the (limited) resources between them.  
2. Interest-based "value expanding" negotiation in which resources are not limited, and can actually be expanded such that both parties work productively toward a mutually agreeable resolution. 

Source:  istockphoto

Most women are comfortable with and good at finding a win-win.  But a win-win resolution isn't always a possibility.  To put this in the extreme, when negotiating with the professional or personal equivalent of terrorists, there isn't a win-win.  You need to win, the other needs to lose. 

But even under normal circumstances, we can't always broker a win-win. Not because there's a right or wrong, but because we have to set priorities. It needs to be a no-gotiation, until we can say yes.  Learning to claim a place for our dream, whether time, space, or money is required, may lead to a temporary win-lose dynamic.  To give you an idea of how uncomfortable this may feel, during a practice session, I was tapped to role play 'winner-takes-all' in negotiating the purchase of a sofa.  Upon the assignment,  I immediately felt myself shrink, a pit forming in my stomach at the thought of winning at someone else's expense, because that's not what nice girls do.

Value-expanding negotiation:  the importance of asking questions -- Whether negotiating with our son or daughter about doing their homework in two hours rather than right now or asking for a raise, according to Ms. Pynchon, "our success as a negotiator depends on learning to get over there by asking open-ended questions (who, what, when, where, why) that reveal your bargaining partner's fears, needs, desires, preferences and priorities." 

Source:  istockphoto

I was surprised that I couldn't readily do this, especially because I've been told by many-a-person that I am a great question-asker.  What I figured out, by way of an observation made by our instructor Lisa Gates, that in a mission-critical situation (e.g. loved ones) I default to mind-reading.  When we try to read minds, any flawed assumptions we might have get reinforced, and potentially erode our relationships.

I have since resolved to practice asking diagnostic questions.  I even did it over lunch with my son last weekend.  It was recommended that we never negotiate until we've broken bread with our bargaining partner:  breaking bread together releases oxytocin, builds trust, makes it more difficult for people to be unaccommodating.  I frequently quip, "all the world's problems can be resolved over lunch".  It seems this just might be true.

A Success Story:  Turning Lemons into Lemonade -- Speaking of ROI, last week one of our computers broke.  It wasn't the first time. As the computer is still under warranty, my husband took it to the dealer.  As a consequence of my sharing with him what I've learned in this negotiation course, my husband asked the repair staff to look up how many times the computer had been in for repairs (information gathering).  The staffer answered five, including replacement of the hard drive and logic board. 

Source:  istockphoto

My husband responded with "You know, I'm never going to let the warranty expire on this computer; it's been kind of a lemon.  Wouldn't it be cheaper if you just replaced it with a new one?"  (persuasive argument with the ask) A brief discussion with the manager ensued (someone who had authority) and my husband walked out of the store with a new $1,600 computer.

*** 

What are your thoughts?

Have you experienced the temporary win-lose dynamic -- was it uncomfortable?

When did you last ask open-ended questions? What happened?

Who have you gone to lunch with recently?

Do you have a negotiating success story?

What would you like to know about what I'm learning that I haven't mentioned? 

Harvard Business Review Blogs: The Long of Coming Up Short

Last month I dared to dream and flopped -- a big belly flop.

In my sadness, and in trying to make meaning of the experience (details eventually forthcoming), I was inspired by Ellen Galinsky's Mind in the Making (and grateful for Laura Redford's comment on said post about math education), and thus put fingers-to-keyboard to wonder aloud - is failure a viable option?

I look forward to your thoughts either here or over on the post titled:  The Long of Coming Up Short.

Shawn Cannon: Cinderella's No Longer Sleeping, and She's a Beauty

Shawn Cannon has been in the "business" her whole life, and now is the owner/director of The Cannon Theatre in Littleton, MA.  Her goal for the theater is to direct and produce comedies that are wholesome and family-oriented.   Her latest play is The Importance Of Being Earnest and this has been her first season.  She also teaches private voice lessons and runs a show choir.   She gets her regular applause fix when she sings with her band, Blondes Have More Fun, on the weekends, and she still enjoys making others smile and feel good about themselves through theater and the arts.

***  

I have a love-hate relationship with theatre and the arts. I started performing at a very young age, singing with my sister and brother, in front of pretty large audiences.  I had been singing forever, or so it seemed-----and in fact, had learned by singing in the car with the whole family----my parents included.   I thought that it was what everyone did.

I still remember my first foray into the acting world.  I wanted to play Cinderella when I was in fourth grade and acted and sang my heart out, only to find out that another girl got the pretty Cinderella part, and that I was the ugly Cinderella----the one that sat in the ashes, and wore rags.  It was my first tough blow in the arts world.

I went on to keep singing, perfecting my voice by taking lessons, entering vocal contests, and getting a vocal scholarship.  I took the scholarship and attended college----wanting to major in voice and drama.   The world seemed to be my playground and I was sure that I was going to finally get everything that I wanted.

Fast forward a few years. I was young. I met a guy.  I got married. I got pregnant. I was just another nobody, all of the sudden.  My life changed drastically.  Now I had a very tiny responsibility to take care of and I had to put my dreams on the back burner.  It was a rude awakening, but I still kept that small blossom of hope deep, deep inside.  It was asleep, but still alive.

I continued to work at doing the things that I loved the most----well, the best I could between motherhood and general homemaker. I was a singing waiter. I did some local theater.  I sang in a few bands. I had three more children. I took acting classes. I directed a few plays. I wrote a few musicals. I did music directing. I choreographed a few shows. I costumed other shows. I did hair and makeup whenever I was pregnant.   I modeled and did commercials.

But I could never figure out how to make it all work. I knew that I wanted to make something of myself, but I kept choosing my children instead. I always REALLY thought in my small diva mind that someday I would be discovered and be famous.

Yeah.   Funny, huh?

We didn't have any TV shows back then, to go onto----aka American Idol or anything, and it was based, pretty much on luck....and being in the right place at the right time.  No matter what I tried, I was always going to be the girl that had to sit in the ashes and wear the rags.  I could never seem to wear the pretty dress and be the Cinderella that gets the prince.   This was what I hated about the business----never feeling like you are good enough.

Then one day, I had an epiphany.  It might have been more than one day----maybe a month or a year.   But, gradually, I begin to realize that my dream wasn't really based in reality.  I was fantasizing about a life that I couldn't possibly ever have----not being an active mother of five growing children and keeping the values and integrity that I tried to possess.  What I had been doing my whole life was what I loved doing the most-----working with children, directing others, doing music, singing, writing shows, doing costuming, and hair and makeup.   This was what I really could do----and do it well.

I realized that I didn't need to be famous to feel good about myself and what I do. I didn't need that validation from the world.   It only took a bright smiling face from a theater patron who had enjoyed a performance or a child that had started out terribly shy and then lit up the stage with her very first line----that was all I really needed to make me feel that I had succeeded.

I feel....now.....that my Cinderella has finally gotten her gorgeous gown.   The hope that was always sleeping deep inside----is more about bringing joy to others through theater and the arts.  It is my love. It is my passion.                         

I am finally alive.

As I read Shawn's post, I thought of The Mirror of Erised as well as Heather Simonsen's Patience to Get Up the Hill? 

Have you ever had that epiphany of thinking you weren't living your dream, but you really were?

P.S.  If you are looking for summer camps for your children, ages 6-17, Shawn's theatre camp really looks fun!

She Negotiates: Part 2 of 4

It's Week 2 of my class She Negotiates; below are some snippets.

1.  Definition -- Negotiation is a conversation in which two people with apparently conflicting interests reach an agreement.   Many view negotiation as win-lose:  one person wins, the other loses, a zero-sum game. But negotiation can be win-win:  both parties collaborate to win, everyone is happy.  Women tend toward the latter.

2)  Experimenting -- Check out this blog The Daily Asker. in which the blogger documents her year-long experiment of asking for something daily.  Compelling and inspiring.  As we ask, we will likely get bumped around.  I know I did this week.  According to a NY Times article, Our Scars Tell the Stories of Our Lives, "scars are a sign of optimism."  I guess that means I'm optimistic.  Very.

3)  Discovering -- As I work through the mini-assignments, I'm recognizing that negotiating is a competency you and I can acquire.  When we negotiate we are learning to say say 'yes' and 'no', to make choices about who we want to be, and to act and not be acted upon -- all are requisite for making our dreams happen. 

Source:  istockphoto

I'm also discovering that this can be a lot of fun, like a game, one at which we all can win.  In the words of one of our instructors Lisa Gates, "Doesn't it feel powerfully creative to know that you have all these toys in your treasure chest, or chocolate-covered cherries in your candy assortment?"  Yes, Lisa, it does.

***

What if each of us were to ask for something every day for a week?

When you negotiate, do you view it as a win-lose, or a win-win?  Does it depend on who you are negotiating with?

What was the last thing you negotiated?  What happened?

What were negotiations like in your family growing up?  How are they different now?

What toys would you like to add to your treasure chest?

HBR Blog: The Toot-Your-Own-Horn Gender Bias

Here's my latest Harvard Business post.

I watch for this bias with my daughter.  My son is quite comfortable telling me how awesome he is and it feels natural for him to do so; my daughter 'not so much'.  In fact, last week after reviewing her standardized test scores, she started to tell me about a type of math problem she doesn't do well.   I responded with "Please do tell me, and then I'd like to hear about a type of problem you do especially well."  She did.  No complaining, just matter-of-factly said, "I'm awesome at division."

Happy was I.

What is your experience?

Negotiating our dreams: Part 1 of 4

Since writing my HBR post Can Nice Girls Negotiate? and quite possibly because I am continually negotiating with my children, my interest was piqued when I saw this 4-week Virtual Learning course titled She Negotiates! featuring Victoria Pynchon Esq., a former commercial litigator in S. California, and hosted by Lisa Gates.

I don’t have time, I thought.  But the idea "you may want to take this course" kept pinging me so I participated in the introductory class. One of the first statistics cited was: “On average, women pay $1,400 more than men for a car".  And they had me.

Anna Lappe wrote, Every time you spend money, you're casting a vote for the kind of world you want.  Do I want a world in which I pay $1,400 more for a car so that the person from whom I'm buying won't think I'm pushy?  Or one in which I fund my child's education, a non-profit, a business, a spa vacation?

So I negotiated, asking if I could pay a reduced rate for the course (list price is $375) in exchange for blogging about what I’m learning?

They agreed.  It's early, but based on what I've already learned, my gut tells me that by June 30, I'll be much better at casting my votes for the world I want, at negotiating my way toward my dreams.

Stay tuned.