Occasionally, and unfortunately recurrently, I receive unsettling communiques. As I scan the text, my level head (the piece that can readily dispense advice) knows the appropriate response (it's not deliberate, it's not about you, there may be a workable solution, but even if there's not, it's still not about you). But because of the people and issues involved, logic goes AWOL - every time, leaving me cumbered with a knapsack of hurt and anger.
Until last week.
I read the e-mail. Mind you, I was not perfectly composed, but my level head prevailed: I didn't say or do anything that I really regret. I even handled the situation constructively. It was one of the highlights of my week.
I've always believed that you and I were made "to act, and not be acted upon". Stomaching this belief can be hard when I feel out of control. But without it, I'm quite certain, there are many instances in which I would have emotionally fled, become a deserter.
There will no doubt be more skirmishes between me and myself. This week though, we won.
What a sense of accomplishment.
Grateful.
***
Do you believe you are agentic -- made to act and not be acted upon?
How has this belief helped you to keep showing up in vexing circumstances?
You may also enjoy An Antidote to Procrastination, Heidi Grant Halvorson's Nine Things Successful People Do Differently, and BJ Fogg's Behavior Model.
Great, great lesson for everyone, Whitney. I'm going to bring these thoughts up at the family dinner table.
Posted by: Rebecca | February 27, 2011 at 05:41 PM
this is going to form the basis for our FHE tomorrow. thanks for the links and idea!
Posted by: Blue | February 27, 2011 at 10:50 PM
I'm laughing as I read the comments, because my family is the place where I feel the least in control. The kids are all big enough to make their own decisions, and that can be seriously crazy-making. But if I don't show up, who'll make sure they're not completely self-destructive?
Posted by: Lisle | February 28, 2011 at 10:48 AM
Thanks for your post Whitney. I received a very upsetting email this week as well and have been trying to process it in a constructive manner. It can be so difficult, especially when communication is via email because it does not allow understanding or communication from both parties. So thanks for your reminder of being in action, so as to not fall into the trap of victimhood.
Posted by: Jenny Clawson | February 28, 2011 at 10:49 AM
Good for you, Whitney! Nice to know you're human :) And yes, I believe we are agentic. I wouldn't know any other way to be.
Posted by: Erik | February 28, 2011 at 10:11 PM
I act. All to often. Mostly react these days. Wish it weren't so. I am more frequently and easily vexed by such simple petty things. I've pondered a cure. Chocolate and binge eating and excessive exercising and tantrums are not working.
Posted by: Bonnie White | February 28, 2011 at 11:14 PM
How wonderful! I had a similar experience this week, and though I wanted to hide or run, I rose to the ocation and solved the problem. I "sent" a lot of love to myself and the others involved, and that helped.
Posted by: Maria | March 05, 2011 at 02:19 PM