Lisa Duggan: Rowing Ahead

Lisa Duggan is co-founder and publisher of The Parent du Jour, an online documentary exploring contemporary families, one day, and one parent at a time.  Follow her progess on Twitter @theparentdujour.

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“Every time I scaled back on my career, to focus on my family and kids, I worried that I was letting down my young, ambitious self.” —Joanne Wilson, WE Festival, January 2011 

In January of this year I was one of 150 lucky attendees at the first Women Entrepreneurs Festival, hosted by the Interactive Telecommunications Program at New York University’s Tisch School of the Arts. 

I’m sincere when I use the word lucky here: over 500 women had applied for a spot at this conference dedicated to, “sowing the seeds for a community of women entrepreneurs in NYC”. It certainly felt like luck, or some larger force, delivering me back to NYU, where I had begun my academic career twenty-five years earlier. Entrepreneurs at all stages of development were invited to participate. Opening keynotes included New York City Council Speaker Christine C. Quinn and Joanne Wilson, one of three chairwomen for the event.

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Joanne spoke about her eclectic career path, from entrepreneur to angel investor, which included years of in-and-out, stay-at-home motherhood. She spoke of the lack of women in technology and her efforts to help change the ratio. But when she evoked the ghost of her “young, ambitious self”, hot tears sprung to my eyes. I had come to the Festival for many reasons, chief among them the need to fulfill a promise made to my own young, ambitious self.

In 1983 I was an NYU freshman full of hope, eager to pursue a career in psychiatry. Unfortunately, that was the same year my parents’ marriage ended and a series of extraordinary health problems for my mother began. The upheaval in our family made it impossible for me to concentrate on school. I finished my first year poorly and didn’t return after the break.

My summer job turned into a lucrative spot in IT, as a technical writer, and eventually I enrolled at The School of Visual Arts to study communications and graphic design. I found a job in newspaper production and worked my way up to manager. During that time I also met my (second) husband and fell in love. We married and started a family.

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I was successful by many measures and happy, but never entirely satisfied. My life did not feel like a series of choices, but rather a series of obligations. While I was glad to have been there for my family during a crisis, I continued to carry a deep resentment for having lost my own way in the process. My anger was holding me back from creating a truly satisfying life but I never realized it—until I met my younger self again, in the strong-willed, clear-blue eyes of my daughter.

I had willingly quit work to be with her but suddenly stay-at-home motherhood felt like another obligation imposed on me, rather than a choice I freely made. It relit the fire of my old resentment, the inner conflict between familial duty and following my own passion. How could I teach Alice that she could be anything, do anything she wanted to do when I had not pursued my own dreams? How could I preach personal responsibility when I had lived a life of blaming others for my own lack of trying? 

Yes, my early plans had been disrupted, there’s no denying that. But it was my choice to remain defeated by the obstacles life put in my way, rather than be determined to get around them. Insecurity, blame, shouting “It’s not fair,”—these are the luxurious emotions of childhood.

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The day you realize that you’ve always had, like Dorothy's ruby slippers, the power to get where you want to be is sobering.  It’s the day you grow up. You finally understand that the quality of your life, good and bad, has been in your hands all along. Now you have to make the choice to perceive that reality as a burden, or a gift.

I chose, I choose, to see it as a gift. This new perception has re-connected me to the passionate twenty-year old I was, who cared deeply about people in all their complexity, and together we proudly took our seat at the Festival. As I work to bring my vision to reality, riding a wave among a sea of newly charged and powerful female entrepreneurs, I know there will be new obstacles in the way. But I made a promise to my young self, and to my daughter, that come what may, I will keep rowing ahead.

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I love this -- "you have to make the choice to perceive your reality as a burden or a gift."  Is there a reality that you are looking to reframe?

Are you rowing ahead?

Will you consider participating in Lisa's Parent du Jour, an online documentary exploring contemporary family life, or nominating a parent you know?  Or both?  And if you'd prefer not to because you're not so sure you're a good parent (c'est moi), then I dare you to.  You might just discover that you parent better than you think you do. Lisa can be reached at [email protected].

Would you like to join me? 

Comments

[JenniferSertl]

This is lovely, Whitney. I think the more we working contemporary parents share how we stuggle, make decisions, model strength & grace and even how we fail are all important to give our children permission to struggle as they find their own quest for a meaningful way to both contribute to the world at large and also make the most important intimate decisons of their lives.

[EHD]

Lots of food for thought here... I had a young, ambitious self. Then life intervened, as it always does. My nephew is currently at the University of Cambridge, a school I attended nearly two decades ago. It has been sobering to realize I haven't conquered the world, nor have I (yet) fulfilled all the promise others thought I had. But I do have four fabulous children and two decades of fascinating experience. When I feel the tug of those youthful dreams, I remind myself that I chose my current situation, because the alternative (paying someone else to raise them) was too painful. I still hope to find a way to fulfill that early promise. I have no regrets, but that will not remain true if I do not reignite those latent dreams. I have always assumed there would be time enough to have it all (or at least most of it) over the course of a lifetime.

[Maddy]

Lisa, first of all, thank you for sharing this with us! What a lovely gift you have for capturing your insightful experience in such concise wording.

I especially connected with what you said about choosing to "remain defeated by the obstacles life put in my way, rather than be determined to get around them." During my commute this morning, I was pondering about the obstacles in my path right now (some which have been there for years and years) and lamenting that I couldn't see any possible way around them. The heavy weight of defeat continued until I read your words...and I allowed myself to remember that I have more power over my life than I usually allow myself to exercise. Your post has given me a renewed determination to act instead of allowing life to just happen. Thank you!

And Whitney, thanks for having such a keen eye for stories that need to be told--and how they can help all of us dream and achieve more than we ever thought possible.

[Kristin]

I'm still in the midst of feeling resentment/anger about a choice that I made together with my husband: suburbs and SAHM versus city and a beloved career as a teacher. I'm still on the journey to seeing it as a gift. I'll bet I shriek a lot less once I get there!

Thanks to both of you for sharing this piece. Wonderful.

[Tamara @31dates]

Wonderful. Thank you for this.

[Maria]

Insightful and inspiring. Thank you.

[Lisa Duggan]

Thank you for all the lovely feedback. I had been writing that article for a while and I'm grateful to Whitney for giving it a proper home. I'm also grateful to my mentor, a publishing consultant, who helped me see that I used my insecurity about an interrupted education as an excuse to not move forward.

I guess that's what they mean by 'getting in your own way'! Good luck to everyone pursuing their dreams.

[Barbara]

This is a great post. I too was "lucky" to attend the WE Festival and felt a reawakening of sorts connecting with so many amazing women.

This is a powerful line: "The day you realize that you’ve always had, like Dorothy's ruby slippers, the power to get where you want to be is sobering."

I also think you shouldn't be hard on yourself about feeling stuck or resentful. You were dealt a few blows and those feelings are natural. Granted, picking yourself up and not wallowing in that resentment is key (and great that you have done that!), but I wouldn't call it immaturity to feel those things as a burden. I don't think it's mutually exclusive - perceiving it to be a burden OR a gift. Sometimes it's a burden AND a gift. Or sometimes it's a burden THEN a gift.

Thanks for sharing your story!

[Lisa Duggan]

Thanks Barbara! That's an important point - to not be too hard on ourselves for feeling what we do. I'm going to look at the WE site to find you.

[Whitney]

Lisa --
I so appreciate your sharing your story with us -- and I appreciate all of the many thoughtful comments!

Whitney