Giveaway: The Entitlement Trap by Richard and Linda Eyre

Yesterday my daughter was taking a tennis lesson. Twenty minutes in, and trying to be helpful, I started to pick up the balls.  Her instructor stopped me.  "Parents," he said, "can mollycoddle their kids, but when they are with me, they clean up their own mess."

This conversation came on the heels of my reading the Atlantic article How to Land Your Kid in Therapy in which psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb tells of kids filing into her office, depressed. She's discovering that these kids aren't listless because their parents are mean, but because they are too nice.  As she has delved into the problem, she's asking the question:  "Is it possible that these parents have done too much?"

Source:  istockphoto

It seems the answer is yes -- certainly that's what Richard and Linda Eyre conclude in their upcoming book  The Entitlement Trap.  As I've noted, Linda Eyre would be on my personal Advisory Board if I had one, partly because of what she and Richard say, but mostly because of how much I like their three daughters:  this family walks their talk. 

Given that my children are already 15 and almost 11, listening to parenting advice is not always easy.  I've started down a parenting path.  I do some things well, others not so much.  A course correction in which I help my children take ownership for their money, values, decisions, education, relationships will require that I take more responsibility for my parenting. 

But I also know that I care deeply about their future, and the future of our society.  In fact, I can't help wonder if the debt ceiling negotiations that have sent the stock market into its current tailspin would have gone differently if we, as a nation, were less entitled.  Alexis de Tocqueville, in his famed analysis of America, summarized, "America is great because she is good. If she ever ceases to be good, she will cease to be great."

So, here's what I'd encourage you to do:  Pre-order the book.  If enough copies are sold before the official launch date of September 6, the book will start out on the bestseller list, sending a message that pulling ourselves out the entitlement trap is a priority:  won't it be lovely to help create a groundswell for good. 

Giveaway:  If you will share this post on Facebook, Twitter or Google+, and leave a comment here that you have done so, you will become eligible for one of two copies of The Entitlement Trap.  These will be courtesy me as my contribution to the cause.  The contest will end at midnight on Monday, August 29; I'll announce the winners on August 30.  If you've already ordered the book, and you win, you can give the copy you win to a friend.

Finally, once you've bought the book, so as to not become overwhelmed by feelings of imperfection (I can't be the only one), just note one or two things you start to do differently because of what you read.  For example, I noticed this afternoon that when my son asked where his computer was, instead of going to get it for him, I told him where it was.  He couldn't find it.  I still didn't get it for him.  It was hard, but I did it.

Thoughts?

Comments

[Linda Eyre]

Whitney you are terrific!!! Happy Birthday and thanks for your extraordinary support! We won't need a book!

[Dscofield]

Whitney,

I think one of the hardest things for a parent is not to indulge their kids because you love them and want the best. And, let's face it, there are many times it's just easier to do it yourself than have them do it. Fortunately, my husband and I balance out our "indulging" areas and we've tried not to but it is hard. That said, I don't think you can I indulge with love, but you can with "stuff" and chores.

And yes, the federal Gov't feels incredibly entitled.....breaking that cycle is a necessary challenge...with huge societal effects!

Deb

[Thabo Hermanus]

This is always a tough one. Lucky for us there is a balance between my wife and I (I am not disclosing which way we lean). In one sense I don't want my kids to go through the difficulty I had to get through and in another I don't want to take away their experience of dealing with adversity. I tend to lean more on being the "bad cop" in the family though. Trial and error.

[melanie mauer]

Pre-ordered! Thank you for the recommendation! warmly, -melanie-

[Michelle S.]

I shared this post on facebook, not because I want to win a copy of the book (although I won't turn it down!), but because I feel that this is a very important parenting issue that needs to be addressed. Although I do not have children (yet), I see a sense of entitlement in the children I nanny. Thank you for your thoughtful blog posts. I always come away wanting to be a little better at something after reading them!

[Carolyn Monaco]

Happy Birthday, Whitney!

[Kimberly Carlile]

A good friend once told me of her father's parenting philosophy, which he said could be summed up in three words, which were "Deny, deny, deny.". I confess that while I subscribe theoretically to the notion (and it is how I was raised), I find it very difficult in today's face-paced world. My parents put untold hours and energy into me and my sibling's paper routes, county fair entrant items (the cash awards were our spending money for the year--we entered a LOT of stuff), and lawn mowing business. With today's ramped-up competitiveness in schools and extra-curriculars, time and energy for family projects to earn a family vacation, for example, is tough to come by. I'm looking forward to the Eyres' book for encouragement and inspiration!

[Science Teacher Mommy]

This word "entitlement" was much bandied about during the political war over the health care expansion. It is a favorite word for describing government programs and how the nebulous "poor" feel. And while a discussion of welfare and reform is always worthwhile, my own thoughts during the above post strayed more to the entitlement felt by those not in traditional welfare roles.

The housing crisis may have been financed by unscrupulous lenders, but people who believe themselves to be entitled to larger homes, more cash flow and more expensive things and opportunities made themselves easy prey. And the entitlement extends well-beyond that obvious example: corporate CEOs raking in tens of millions as their companies falter, for no other reason than that they are the CEO. Those with much haggling and arguing our country into crisis over a few percentage points in taxes (already historically low) because they are some how more worthy of their money than those doing shift-work in their factories, or nanny-ing their children, or cleaning their houses.

I think those adult-entitlement attitudes, whether they come from the rich OR the poor, are fostered in kids early on. Generations of families on welfare are just as damaging to our national character as children with so much handed them by their parents that they grow up lazy, unambitious, without compassion and shallow.

I'm gratified to see the Eyres address the topic of entitlement in a way that we are just beginning to recognize. There is little real character difference between a 13 year-old who expects a cell phone despite his bad grades, a 16 year-old with a sports car who laughs over her speeding tickets, and a teen mom who asks why the government didn't do more to prevent her pregnancy.

[Thabo Hermanus]

P.S I did share on my facebook to make myself eligible for the Giveaway

[Allison]

Posted on facebook- would love to learn how to avoid the dreaded "entitled child"!! :)

[Lisle]

Love this post! I still feel like there's so much more I can do for my kids, and I'm hoping I'm not out of time.

I facebooked it, too!

[Julia]

Last night I refused to write a $120 check for 2 boys' football practice clothing. They had it from last year and is it really necessary? It wasn't a popular action, but my boys got to see that if they really wanted to have new gear they would have to pay for it.

I love your example, Whitney, about having your son find his own computer. That scenario has played out differently around here lately so that my 3 and 5 year olds literally could not find Easter Eggs. It was a frightening realization for me - yet I still didn't fully realize how I had created this.

Can't wait for the book.

[Nate Quigley]

Great post. I've pre-ordered the book. The basic idea makes so much sense to me. Looking forward to reading their ideas on how to implement. (posted on FB, Twit, G+...)

[Tina Descovich]

Looks like it is going to be a great book. Can't wait to read it. Posted on FB!

[Teresa Whitehead]

What a comment from the tennis coach--it made me think about how often I "mollycoddle." I also espc. liked your comment about just picking one or two things to work on from the book. I usually associate parenting books with guilt. Posted on FB.

[Saren Loosli]

Happy Birthday Whitney! I so love your writing and so value your friendship. Thanks for this beautiful post promoting such an important cause. Made my day to see your little comment here about me and my sisters. Thanks so much for all your help with Power of Moms. I hope you'll be able to join us at our Retreat in New Hampshire October 21-21!

[Kristy Williams]

I posted on google+. You are having a busy birthday on the publishing front! Thanks for sharing this book - it looks well worth the read.

[Melissa Christensen]

Just shared on FB - I love the Eyre's and plan to get the book.....thank you for the great post and recommendation.

[Whitney Smith Cripe]

Cannot wait to have this book in hand and learn from these good people. Love these ideas. Our boys worked hard to accomplish something this past weekend, and it stirred me to see how much confidence and clarity they had after "getting it done." I have GOT to create more opportunities for them to feel that way every day.

[Tamara @31dates]

I love the ideas in this book. Thanks for posting this!

(Happy birthday Whitney!)

[GlenCathey]

I shared this post on Twitter and LinkedIn - thanks for the offer!

I believe that the root of most parental mollycoddling (great word!) is a subconscious attempt to protect their children from the real world - and the real world isn't kind to everyone, nor is it "fair."

I struggle with this, like many parents I suppose, because on a certain emotional level it just doesn't feel right to expose children to the harshness of reality. However, I always have to remind myself that my children won't be equipped to actually deal with real life issues when they are older if they are always shielded from real life when they are children - both the good and the bad.

[Jenny]

Thanks for the reminder that we can give ourselves permission not to become overwhelmed by feelings of imperfection.

You are a champion of GOOD causes!

(thanks)

[swimmingmom]

Loved this post and can't wait to get the book! It's always nice to know I am not alone in the process and others struggle with the same things. So appreciate the examples you shared of your daughter at tennis and son with the computer. I do similar things ALL THE TIME. Thanks for your post.

[Maria]

I hope you had a wonderful birthday and that it will the beginning of your best year yet!

Shared on FB.

[Steve and Tracy]

Whitney,

I don't normally comment on blogs and such but I thought this post addressed a great topic in a great way. I thought it would be worth breaking out of my domain of normalcy to say thank you. I also shared this on Google +. It’s been a while since we’ve been in touch but Tracy and I now have 4 wonderful girls ages 3-8. Tracy and I both feel entitlement is an important thing to keep in mind while raising our children and we are doing our best to do so. However, like most parents we ask ourselves if we are going about it the right way. I am looking forward to the book. Thank you for the suggestion.