dare to dream

Wielding our power well

"How did mock trial practice go?" I asked my son, a freshman in high school.  It was about 9pm, and we'd just picked him up from school.

"Bad.  I didn't make the team."

"What?"

"I got cut.  Yeah, AND they let me sit through two hours of practice without telling me. 

***

Argh.

I have to admit that my husband and I were a bit surprised.  But, I am, after all, the mother.  I recognize that the tryout may not have gone as well as David thought. Not making a team happens.  He may have even gotten an e-mail telling him he hadn't made the team.

But because of how the parents in charge of the mock trial program handled this, he's not so sure he'll try out next year.  That's a shame because he's quite articulate, and mock trial is something he thinks he could do well.

David will no doubt be fine. 

But here's what I need to remember.

As adults and as parents, we wield tremendous power over the children in our lives.  Just a few words of encouragement may mean the difference between a dream dashed or a leap forward.

I'm occasionally guilty of the former, but I long to always do the latter.

What about you?

Can you remember when just a few encouraging words from a parent or adult made all the difference?

HBR Blog: Get the Mentoring Equation Right

I've got a new post up at HBR, co-authored with Bob Moesta.  It is the outline for my talk at the Women in Business Conference on October 29.

Mentoring is a big and timely topic, one that I'm wrestling with because I feel like I'm not mentoring as well as I used to -- or would like to.

One thing that was interesting as I wrote this post with Bob was that he has a formal process for accepting mentors versus my very haphazard, willy-nilly approach.  He went so far as to provide a template for what he would say when approached, if he were me.  Because it was eye-opening, I want to share it with you.    

Note of caution:  

You may squirm as you read this.  You may feel that if you were to put this in front of someone that you were big-timing them.  That's normal - remember Anna Fels' work, we are only considered feminine when we are giving something to someone else?   Will you set that impulse aside for a moment, and consider the following:  

1. When you mentor you are giving something of value.  Because no money changes hands, it's important to get this equation right so that the relationship can remain intact;
2. Sometimes we need to have others help us realize how much value we create -- and I'm NOT just talking about in the workplace. (For example, a parent helping their child with homework -- good tutors can cost $100 plus).  What if someone were to write out a contract like this for you, whether in a business, civic or personal context?
3. Even when we don't charge money for what we do, affixing a dollar value, makes what we do more concrete, and I think changes our perception of the task.

***

Here's what Bob suggested:

Dear Prospective Mentee and Friend --

I take mentoring very seriously and I am not sure we all have the same definition so before we take a step down that path,  I want to clarify what you are asking for and what I am able to do, and the terms in which I am willing to help.

For me, my mentoring process starts with an application and assessment.  To be clear, If you are chosen I will do this for free, but you need to agree to my terms. I choose only one person a month to mentor.  If you are not chosen, you can re-apply in 60 days or you can pay for my mentoring services upfront (which are at $7500).

I have a systematic process for mentoring that is very structured. It lasts 60 days consisting of 8 assignments that will take you 40-50 hours of your own hard work to complete. We will talk on the phone for 8 x 30 minute sessions that will be pre-scheduled. Once you miss call, you are out. Each assignment must be completed 2 days prior to our call and posted. One missed assignment and you are out. At the end of the 60 days I will have passed to you everything I can to help you get to the next level as defined by you. Our mentoring relationship will have evolved into one of peers. To be clear, this is not for every one and it is hard.

I have this process for three reasons:  1) I have dozens of requests per month to mentor, and I only want to work with those who are ready to make the commitment and really want to make a difference in the world.  2)  My time is the most important resource I have.  I am in high demand with investors & companies from around the world, my family and my church, so my time is at a premium as is yours; 3) The mentoring is shaped by me but driven by you.  You make the choice, you make the effort, you make the progress.  I get the satisfaction of seeing you grow and and then help others.

If you are accepted, there will be three requirements: 

1. Write, document, video your 60 day experience to share with others on dare to dream; 
2. When you complete the 60 days, you will agree to mentor another person in the next 12 months using the same process. 
3. Our mentoring agreement will expire on the 61st day and any further or ongoing relationship will be framed as an advisory relationship (not mentoring)  and can be contracted only if we BOTH choose and for a retainer for no less than $10,000/month with a 6 month minimum commitment.

I look forward to reviewing your application (can be done on on google forms) and hope you are ready for the time of your life.

Sincerely,

xxxx

***
Richard Saul Wurman, the founder of TED wrote, "I am terrified and confident all the time."  That pretty much captures how I felt when I read this.

What do you think?

Disconnect to Connect

Because we didn't watch television on Sundays growing up, one of my adult acts of rebellion has been to do the opposite.   Mature I know, especially because I'm now wondering if my decision has been ill-taken.  It's not just television that I can watch, there are e-mails, text messages, blogs, video games, Facebook, twitter; technology is everpresent. 

Don't get me wrong, I love technology, but given that I am having trouble hearing myself think (and I think sometimes my kids are too), perhaps I need to love it a little less.  

In Tiffany Shlain's film Connected she talks about her family unplugging for 24 hours -- she calls it a technology shabbat.  Inspired by her film, I proposed to my husband and children we do something similar, that we unplug on Sundays until 2pm.

I'm used to Sabbath observance.  I've done so my entire life; I even fast 1x/month.  But going without checking e-mails or tweets during a substantial portion of my day is harder than anticipated. (#Preciselythepoint).

Surprisingly, we've gotten no pushback from our kids; they almost seem relieved. Dinner has been more leisurely because they have all the time in the world.  Until 2pm.  My 15 yr-old son was willing to take a walk in the neighborhood.  My brain has breathing space. 

William Wordsworth wrote, "The world is too much with us; late and soon; we have given our hearts away, a sordid boon." 

When I unplug, the world is less with me.  I take my heart back.

A marvelous boon.

Leslie Graff: Domestic Series Exhibit in Boston

On October 22, Leslie will be showing her 30-painting Domestic Series in its entirety at the home of Keith and Elizabeth Dionne in Belmont, MA (right off of Route 2).

You can sign up here.

The invitation is for BYU alumni and friends of BYU, but it's also an opportunity for friends of Leslie Graff to see her work and to meet her.

Leslie's work has been featured on Design Mom, Little Green Notebook and The Mudroom, and I'm especially keen for you to be there because it's one of the last times you'll be able to see this series in its entirety as she plans to release the paintings by the end of the year: over half have already been sold. 

I'll be there with my husband and children (at least that's the goal!).

Would you like to come too? 

Karin Brown: A Startling Discovery

Karin Brown is a stay-at-home mom to three girls and two boys, ages 11-1. She received her bachelors degree in English and enjoys collecting re-tellings of fairy tales.  She is an active volunteer at her children's elementary school and enjoys reading, hiking, international travel, music and dancing.

***

The floor was a sticky land-mine field of mess, the bathroom was all kinds of stinky and the house in general was in need of a hazardous waste clean-up. On top of that, the baby was in a sagging diaper and letting everyone know about it. The 10-year-old girl was having an emotional meltdown. The 8-year-old boy was mercilessly taunting and teasing his younger sisters like a fire in a dry field. After putting kids to bed that night, I found myself wondering, “Will someone remind me why I wanted to do this?” I realized I'd really lost my enthusiasm for motherhood lately and was spending time every day contemplating all the things I wish I were doing and daydreaming about unfulfilled dreams.

I decided to pull myself together and listen to a podcast from The Power of Moms (my lifeline on hard days) while mopping my kitchen floor. The podcast that caught my eye was Will You Dare to Dream with April Perry and Whitney Johnson, Whitney said some things that totally struck a chord with me.  She suggested thinking back to your childhood or youth and remembering what you liked to do when you were a little girl and why and what makes you happy. As I listened I was struck with the most startling revelation. I have always wanted to be a mom. That’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. One of my favorite pastimes as a child was “playing mom.” As a youth and young adult, I couldn’t wait until I married and had children of my own. I was struck dumb, speechless. In essence, the shocking truth was, I was already living my dream.

Source: istockphoto

It’s true, at a younger age, I didn’t realize what a challenge it is to be a mom and how draining the daily grind of mom-responsibilities can be. I think the actual reality and challenge of being a mom is a surprise to most women, as is the overwhelming joy and love you feel toward your children. Nothing really prepares you for the dichotomy of emotion you experience as a parent. But realizing that being a mom was a fulfillment of a dream since childhood for me suddenly changed my perspective and I found myself viewing my life in a more positive and optimistic way.

As I continued to reflect on what I had loved to do as a young person, I discovered I had had other dreams as well, beyond being a mother. I loved to dance. I still do. I used to think I could dance in New York City if I tried hard enough. I remember sitting in a movie theater watching the new release, “HairSpray.” I wanted to be one of those characters so badly, dancing and singing across the screen or stage with wild abandon. And for a moment, I thought, “If that production ever comes to my state, I’m absolutely trying out.  

Then reality struck as I realized I was a 30-something year old, pregnant with my 3^rd child. That’s a far cry from the high school and college age girls who would also be auditioning. Yes, my life has changed and perhaps I can’t fulfill my dreams in the same way I thought I would. I’m now a mother of 5, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still dance.

Source:  istockphoto

In fact, in an effort to start living my dreams, I signed myself up for a dance class, twice a week. I also led a “Performing Arts Camp” this summer at my home for a week. This allowed me to share my talents, dreams and joy with my children and their friends. And that was just the beginning. I’ve also always enjoyed playing the piano and writing. I searched out a piano solo I knew would be somewhat of a challenge and made sure I got my practice time in, right along with the kids. I recently performed that piece for my church congregation. I’ve also started carving out slivers of time to write again, both for myself and various websites.

Re-discovering some of my other dreams and making time for them has introduced a more hopeful, optimistic attitude in my daily activities. I’m not going to fly to New York and give it a go, but I will take my dance class at night after the kids are in bed.  And by starting a performing arts camp, I'm finding that I'm not only a deliberate mother - I'm a deliberate dreamer.

***

Note:  The Power of Moms is hosting a weekend Retreat at Lake Winnepesaukee in New Hampshire (just 1 1/2 hours from Boston) October 21-22. The focus of Power of Moms Retreats is helping moms fulfill their dream of becoming the mothers and women they really want to be.  There will also be a 1/2 day retreat in Chicago on October 25.  I went to the retreat in 2010; I did accomplish even more than I had hoped; I came home wanting to become a better mother, all without feeling guilty that I might be a bad mother.

***

The day I was scheduled to record the Power of Moms podcast discussed below, I'd had a VERY bad morning. If the topic had been "rain on my parade", I could have done a stellar job, but alas it was "dare to dream".  I considered cancelling, but didn't because I'm really trying to keep my commitments.  Every once in awhile we get to see the tangible benefits of showing up....

Suit Up and Show Up

Here are three posts I recommend:

1)   Pivot Wisdom: A guide for your personal disruptive trajectory -- For those of you that couldn't attend Pivot Boston, this is a fantastic recap written by Susan Alexander who hightailed it up from New York to Boston for the evening.

2)  Pivot: The Shell of Confidence -- Jenny Whitcomb begins her post with, "Let me tell you what happened before all the fun was had," and then shares the self-doubt she had leading up to Pivot Boston.

When I go to a networking event, I enthusiastically sign up in anticipation of what I'll learn and who I'll meet.  As the event approaches, I sometimes start to panic, thinking that everyone there will be wonderful, except me. Because I'm an imposter. I love how Jenny puts her feelings (and mine, possibly yours) into words.

3)  What Are You Up To This Weekend?  Apply to the Y Combinator! -- This was written by Rachel Sklar to encourage female entrepreneurs to apply to the Y Combinator event, an event that is predominately male.  Though written about a specific event, her post is a rallying cry for you and me to "throw down our pom-poms and get in the game."

***

Each of these women has a very different voice, and yet there's one common theme: suit up and show up.  It's noteworthy that the suiting up happens before the actual event and can involve battling with an army of confidence marauders.  But when we do suit up, the showing up  - and making our dreams happen -- can happen in spades.

Did you find yourself invigorated by this verbal pep rally? 

If you'd like to come to the next Pivot Boston event, leave a comment below, and we'll put you on the mailing list.  While you're at it, why not leave Atta Girl comments for either Susan, Jenny or Rachel.

When you are preparing for your next "networking", the fact that you're nervous means you care, that this is a crowd you want to play with.  We need to go to some events where we've got it all handled, and are in effect, the mentors.  We also need events where we don't have it handled, and are looking for a little mentoring.  For those, we'll likely be nervous.

Do you have a tech start-up that needs exposure?  Getting an application in by Monday, October 10 is short notice - but after reading Rachel's piece, you may wish, as I do, that I had an idea.

 

Tereza Nemessanyi: My Honest Moment

Tereza Nemessanyi is the CEO and Co-Founder of Honestly Now.  You can follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/honestlynow and twitter at @terezan.

***

The inspiration to create my startup, Honestly Now, came at a dark moment.  My mother had just died, and I stood in front of the mirror, getting dressed to deliver her eulogy.

Mom had been my best friend, biggest fan, and she was always the one to tell me the truth when I needed to hear it. Trying on her red blouse, I instinctively turned to ask her, “Is it okay to wear red for a funeral?” In that moment, I realized, I wouldn’t ever hear her advice, or feel her warm hug, ever again.  My father had recently died as well, and as a new mom myself, I felt deeply alone – like the last one standing, with people who needed me but not sure how I’d step forward.

I learned that many women lack a support structure when they need it most.  So I set out to build the beta for Honestly Now -- a digital platform to help people get honest feedback from their friends -- delivering the advice, affirmation and warm hug I used to get from my mom.  Like the question I’d yearned to ask my mom that day, we designed Honestly Now to help on questions about our personal appearance – you post a picture, and your friends and experts vote.  Am I a vanity case?  Maybe, maybe not. I did see women frequently confounded with how to present themselves to the world, especially through transitions such as parenting, divorce, health issues and aging.  I wanted to give them confidence by affirming them, and connecting them to people who could help. Just as importantly, though, my MBA-brain could define and describe this market, size it, and engineer a way to turn it into a business. I had a coherent, cohesive business plan.  I raised some seed capital from former business colleagues.

As I described the vision of Honestly Now to people, some “got it”, but some clearly didn’t.  A confident group, venture capitalists tend not to be the type to reconsider their decisions once made.  One prominent VC had difficulty grasping the concept of “local aesthetic services”.  Too broad, he said.  Pick one vertical and one geography and roll it out that way -- such as New Yorkers’ hair.  For me, this was a tough pill to swallow.  It felt much too far away from that moment in front of the mirror.  Perhaps the world needed a “hair app” – but I didn’t feel I was the one to bring it forth.

In his book on Lean Startups, Eric Ries describes that what people say and what they actually are often very different things.  As we launched Honestly Now, this quickly turned out to be true for us as well.  We seeded our beta with my friends, women like me.  What immediately emerged was that they cared only a small amount about their appearance every day – and then rapidly moved on to a whole host of other thorny life questions.

Tania pitched out a question about thank you notes:  is it okay to send your son’s thank you notes via cubby mail at school?  Erin asked about the expensive mohair couch she was getting pressured into buying:  should she pay the premium?  Marla needed to know – should she use the picture of her scuba diving for her Match.com profile?  Leigh asked us to help her choose the color of her new car.  Going through a divorce, an anonymous asker discovered her husband had a fling with her best friend and neighbor, and their sons are best friends.  Should she tell her son about what happened?  All important.  All real. All very engaging.

Interestingly, by cracking the code on the tricky Aesthetics problem, we’d actually enabled a much larger set of topics to flow in a really interesting way.  Not only did we not need to focus on hair; we could set our sights on a bigger market with a much more interesting proposition.

So, we pivoted, and decided to be non-prescriptive around what our users should ask.  We decided -- if it’s an important decision in your life, it’s important for us.  We’ll find you advice for it.

And interestingly enough, this broadening of scope in fact nudged us far closer to that seminal moment years before.  When I’d wanted to ask mom if I looked okay in her blouse, I didn’t really care about the blouse.  I wanted to connect, to know I wasn’t alone.  I wanted validation and I wanted to feel confident.  Women instinctively do this when we’re making decisions – we float it out to our friends to collect their views and to be affirmed.  We wanted to put that in your pocket, and have your friends and experts available to you anytime and anywhere.

I also found that many women had expert-caliber advice to give, but lacked the courage to label themselves ‘experts’.  Could we become a platform, the toe in the water, for them to get known and grow their own businesses?  It can be tough to originate a blog post or a tweet, but these were people who, when asked a question, had golden advice.

All these insights led to further thinking around our product.  With our seed funding, we’d be operating on a very low monthly burn rate and at that pace could go for another year.  The marketplace was moving quickly, though, and based on what we learned, it seemed if all we did was build social hooks on top of this decent product, it wouldn’t be enough.  We made the bold move to do a bottom-up redesign with an upgraded team based on all the new insight – to really kill on the need we now saw.  It was scary but we really believed this was the right move.  Interestingly, it positioned us to have different types of discussions with investors. Positive ones.

Last week, we relaunched Honestly Now 2.0 and announced a round of funding (here, here and here).  Lots more to do, constant changes afoot based on what we continue to learn.  But we’re incredibly energized by the potential of Honestly Now, and the value – better decisions – our users are already making from it.  And finding it’s addictively fun, too.

Emboldened by what I saw, I announced a challenge:  to make the world better by together creating one billion ‘honest moments’ – one billion honest questions and answers, wrapped in respect and affirmation.  That’s something I can stand behind.

Would you like to join me?

Honestly Now is recruiting experts across a wide range of fields to help answer users’ questions.  What’s your superpower?  We welcome friends of Dare to Dream to apply to become an Honestly Now Expert here.

***

As an FYI, Tereza will be pitching her business in at Ignite NYC on October 10.   She doesn't know that I'm posting this here, but if you live in NY, why not go -- and cheer her on.  You can sign up here. 

I just wrote my honest moment: if my memory serves me correctly, I've never put this in public print before.  And upon reflection, my honest moment came out of Tereza sharing hers -- as often happens.

If you think you aren't expert, think again -- especially if you have a blog or small business that you are trying to build.  This is a great way to gain streed cred.

One thing I love about Tereza's story is the reminder that for 90% of all successful new ventures, the strategy that leads to success is not the one initially pursued.  For those that attended Pivot Boston, Tereza's story will likely resonate.

What inspiration has come out of your darkest moment?

Giveaway: StandOut by Marcus Buckingham

The greatest misunderstanding we have in life is ourselves. -- Marcus Buckingham 

Last week, I received two complimentary copies of Marcus Buckingham's latest book StandOut, a book on strengths assessment w/ a companion on-line quiz that unveils your top two strength roles. The nine roles that were identified and developed with Dr. Courtney McCashland,are:  Advisor, Connector, Creator, Equalizer, Influencer, Pioneer, Provider, Stimulator and Teacher.

I admit I was skeptical.

These types of assessments can be easy to game.  (One notable exception being The Gabriel Institute's role-based assessment on how a person will perform within a team.)   But this wasn't gameable.  I had an inkling of what my strengths would be, but as I answered the questions in the 30 minute on-line quiz (which you get to do for free when you have the book), I started to think that I was about to be told that I did things well that I don't, or more depressingly, that the strengths I have are strengths I don't want.

That didn't happen.

I'd now love to share these books with you because dreaming - dear friends -- involves knowing what our strengths are, and then playing to those strengths.  Each of you have so many strengths - I want you to know what they are.  Even if you do nothing else but read the results, you'll feel like you just spent a half hour with your personal cheering section.

Rules are simple:  leave a comment here, and you'll be eligible for one of two copies of the book.

The contest closes on Wednesday, October 5th at midnight; I'll announce the winner on Thursday. 

For further reading, see "Play to Your Strengths", and To Get Paid What You're Worth, Know Your Disruptive Skills.

***

And the winners are: #36 (Beth Pepper) and #17 (SY):  the numbering shifted slightly because I left a comment -- and one person commented twice.   Beth and SY, will you e-mail me at whitneyljohnson at yahoo dot com with your mailing addresses?  Also, thank you for the fascinating insights many of you shared about strengths.  And, especially, thank you Marcus Buckingham for sharing these books with us.

P.S.  I'm a Connector/Influencer.