dare to dream

Lisa Gates: The Terribly Beautiful Trouble with Wanting and Asking

Lisa Gates is the founder of The Daily Thrive (www.thedailythrive.org), an online learning community for women launching today, January 30th, from the folks who brought you She Negotiates (www.shenegotiates.com); she is also a regular contributor at Forbes Woman.  Lisa and her team are a bit obsessed with finding a fit for your life that is not only doable, but sustainable is their mission. Her special topic is negotiation and her life's work is to help women get better at it so the real work of dreaming can happen.

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Asking for stuff spells trouble. Terrible trouble. Think jobs, promotions, sabbaticals, a homemade cake for your birthday, a pink Cadillac, anything. The terrible trouble is that when ask for stuff, you will not only find yourself agreeing and committing to things, but you might be asked to reciprocate in some way. In other words, you will end up causing yourself to be responsible for the relationship you create by asking.

The question, “Will you marry me,” comes to mind. You ask, and suddenly you are committing to—and responsible for—purple taffeta for the bridesmaids and tighty-whitey Hanes in the laundry and in-law meddling and mewling infants and adolescent car wrecks and suddenly you’re 49 and wondering, “How, how did I get here? This is not my beautiful life.”

Or you give your resume to Google. You put your hat in the ring for the Coordinator of Chaos, and they offer you $100K and you roll over with a “sounds great” (agreement) and shortly you realize your real title is “The Butt of Everything” and you’re mad.

You could have just “let the days go by” with nary a desire, and all would be well. You’d be single, living in your condo or cardboard box, strumming your ukulele on the corner or working at Starbucks with no questions asked.

But sheez, you had to go and WANT something. Not only the thing itself, but also the stuff the thing comes with, like happiness, livelihood, respect and social capital.

Well. Hmmm. Our Buddhist friends will tell you that desire is the root of all pain. Paradoxically, our Buddhist friends also will tell you if you want to evolve, get in a relationship.

You see, asking, negotiating, requires relationship and consciousness—the two things that push our stasis buttons into quandary. That said, women are great at creating relationship, and we’re pretty darned willing to be conscious about them. Aware. Mindful of the needs of others.

So what we’re talking about here is the kind of asking that requires you to give as good as you get, and that’s what interest-based negotiation is all about. It’s the kind of asking that thrives on reciprocity and relationship. And it puts your collective wants, needs, desires, preferences and, yes, dreams in the center of a big buffet table of possibility. Together, you and your negotiation partner, sit down to feast on the choices that make you both immensely happy.

You could wend your way through life never really asking for a thing. You could avoid asking your spouse for one holiday without the in-laws. You could avoid the terrible pain of asking Google to review your title and salary. But resentment just isn’t your style. Happiness is.

So girl up and start wanting.

What happens when you ask?

"When we ask we find ourselves responsible for the relationship we create by asking." -- I like this.

P.S.  This is the same Lisa Gates from whom I took a negotiating course.  If www.thedailythrive.org is anything like She Negotiates, you're in for a whole lotta of thriving; also on the team is @Chrysula who guest blogged here.

P.P.S.  Lisa's husband is a grip for the television show The Mentalist.  Yes, I know -- pretty cool.

Laura Townsend Wilson: Beauty is a Beast

Laura lives in Belmont, MA with her husband, Dallin, and their baby daughter, Harper. She works as a portfolio analyst by day, but she is a fashionista by birth. Laura blogs about fashion at She's Come Unheeled, and has her own fashion line lolly.brand.  Laura also enjoys photography, power yoga, movie nights with her family, and searching for the perfect cupcake.

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Shortly after the birth of my daughter, a friend of mine forwarded me an article on “The Right Way to Talk to Young Girls About Beauty.”  Before even clicking the link, I was already feeling defensive.  While I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a feminist, I definitely believe in strong, independent women and equal opportunity—but I also believe in beauty.  In fact, the fashion and beauty industry is something that I feel passionate about, both personally and professionally.  So I had a nagging suspicion that this article was going to tell me I was wrong, and what mother wants to hear that?

Source:  Emmaline Bride (November 2010)

The article in question, written by Hugo Schwyzer, a professor of gender studies and history at Pasadena City College in Pasadena, California, was actually reaction to Lisa Bloom's 2011 article, “How to Talk to Little Girls.”  In her article, Bloom postured that little girls should be praised for everything but their looks, in an attempt to protect them from the negative body image so dominant in today’s young women.  In Bloom’s view, rather than telling my daughter that she is the prettiest girl in the world, I should instead commend her for being kind or quick-witted; for her abilities in the classroom or on the athletic field; or for her artistic or musical talents.  Granted, my daughter is still just two months old and is far from playing soccer or taking piano lessons, but I already tell her how pretty she is at least a dozen times each day—and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

When I was little, I loved playing with Barbies, giving particular care to each doll’s hairstyle and outfit.  I can remember my grandmother warning me against viewing Barbie as the ideal beauty.  Barbie’s measurements are, of course, physically impossible, and my grandmother, a mental health counselor specializing in eating disordered patients, believed that Barbie was partially to blame for society’s destructive standards of beauty.  Once, she asked to borrow one of my Barbies to use in a lecture she was giving on this very issue; I made a special effort to see that Barbie was dressed in her finest for the occasion.  Though I was barely eight years old at the time, I could plainly see the difference between wanting to be like Barbie and having fun with Barbie’s world of fashion, beauty, and fun.  What I couldn’t articulate back then was that I didn’t feel a healthy self-esteem or body image and a love for fashion and beauty had to be mutually exclusive; I still don’t.

Source:  ArtsEdge (2009)

As it turns out, Schwyzer agrees with me in his article, maintaining that, while it is important to push against society’s often toxic messages about beauty, it is perhaps equally important to accept and encourage the little girls or young women who feel passionate about fashion and beauty.  After surveying his college students, Schwyzer discovered that the experience of being shamed for an interest in fashion and beauty is all too common.  It seems that the fervent backlash against beauty has caused an equally destructive message to emerge; many young women found themselves facing the stereotype that smart girls don’t care about clothes, and that girls that care about clothes aren’t smart.

My Barbies have been retired for many years now, but I remain connected to her fundamentals of fashion, beauty, and fun.  I love blogging about this season’s breathtaking Christian Louboutins; my quest for the perfect mascara; skinny jeans versus flares; whether I should get bangs or keep my long layers; and the Chanel handbag I simply must have before I turn 30.  Yet, I am the same woman that completed her undergraduate thesis on a comparative analysis of Homer and Nietzsche; who takes pride in her accomplishments as a portfolio analyst; who loves taking a long run or a rigorous power yoga class; and who wants a healthy, well-balanced life for her daughter.

Source:  Unboxed Writers (August 2011)

Growing up, my mother always told me I was beautiful, even during my painfully awkward middle school years.  Granted, there were times when I didn’t believe her, and I have since tried to get my mother to admit that I had an undeniable awkward stage; she won’t.  Now, as I look upon my own baby girl, I get it.  She may grow up to be a champion swimmer; to win the school spelling bee; or to sing in the church choir, but my daughter is also beautiful.  She is as beautiful today as she was on the day she was born, and so I tell her—because I believe that “the right way to talk to young girls about beauty” is to to remind them of this everyday.

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As I read Laura's post, I realized that I had slipped into the either/or mindset.  In fact, I quite liked Lisa Bloom's piece.  But the truth is -- I may not want my daughter to be focused solely on her looks, but neglecting to care about her appearance would als be problematic.  Both ultimately profound implications for her well-being. 

What are your thoughts?  

Truthtellers

In the YA novel Queen’s Own Fool, a fictional account of the life of Mary, Queen of Scots, written by Jane Yolen and Robert J. Harris, Queen Mary brings Nicola into her service, saying, “You have only one duty, Nicola, and that is to be yourself.  Be honest at all times, even when everyone else is telling me only what he/she thinks I should hear. You must remind me ‘Remember, thou art but mortal.’ You will be surprised at how difficult it is to do as I ask, but it is all I want.” Like Queen Mary, we all need a person whose job it is to tell us the truth, and for whom there will be no recrimination for doing so.

My accountant Carol Sanchez recently said to me, it’s time for to you to take more ownership of your money.  Yes, a person can hire some of these tasks out, like bookkeeping, but you personally need to stay on top of this, just as you do your business finances. She's right. I may delegate pieces of this, but owning my power, which includes "owning that I earn money", is essential to dreaming.

I have several dear friends who are truth-tellers.  They tell me when I am being self-indulgent and self-absorbed; they also say tell me when I am discounting myself.  They become the dearer for this because I know I can trust them.

My most important truth-teller is my husband. I'll tell him my interpretation of events and he’s more than willing to tell me my take might not be quite right. Have you considered that X, Y or Z, might also be true?  I've even gotten pretty good at not getting peevish when he makes these observations. And who among us has not been told the truest truths by our children?

As we dream, we have blind spots.  Our blind sides can be deadly. 

We need people who will speak to us the truth.

Who are your truth-tellers?

How have they helped you as you achieve your dreams?  Telling you when you are off the mark whether you are vastly overestimating -- and especially underestimating -- yourself? 

Lauren Leto: Banters, A Scr - Appbook your Quotes

Lauren Leto is the co-founder of Banters, an app that allows you to easily save funny and meaningful quotes.  You can find her on twitter @laurenleto.

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My mom used to (in an endearing way) call me "hyena" because of my frequent fits of laughing. Every night at our five o'clock family dinners we'd sit to eat and I'd start laughing at everything my brother said. He was hilarious to me, commenting on our mutual enemy Vegetables with weird voices and warnings that it was poison. I'd follow suit, pretending I was choking from an inedible zucchini. While we frustrated my parents, we'd usually have them cracking up with us by the end of the meal (although they'd still make us finish our veggies.

Is it alright if I leave cookies out for Santa?  He'll probably like them since he helped make them. - My 11 yr-old daughter

I've never been able to shut my mouth or stop trying to make people laugh. I’m unable to whisper, I can’t keep secrets, Outbursts is my middle name, I talk fast and have never been shy to start up a conversation with anyone. All my report cards from kindergarten through high school have notes saying I talked too much. I’m too easily excitable. If I would just calm down and pay attention I’d do better in school. But while my mouth may run freely, I value these conversations. I’ve always saved notes, letters, cards from friends. My journals are filled with quotes from friends and old boyfriends.

Moving is one way of getting my room clean. -- Jack, age 10

My love for conversations led me first to law school in Detroit, where I hoped I'd get to debate and talk with people all day, every day for the rest of my life. As plenty of people who work in law know, it's not actually all gab. Law is a lot of dense reading and critical analysis done alone, which clashed with my love for quick wit and conversations. While enrolled, I spent the long nights at the library working on a small side project with my friend, Ben Bator. It was a humor blog, influenced by my craving for an easy way for my friends to share, comment, and laugh about our text messages amongst each other. They were too interesting to let sit alone in my inbox but too incriminating to post under our real names. And so Texts from Last Night was born, out of the belief that many others had just as hilarious conversations in their pocket. Texts from Last Night was launched and weeks later became a viral hit and I dropped out of law school to try my luck with tech.

Mom, you're my favorite deputy. -- Wesley, age 3

It was frightening. I never thought I'd do anything other than law and suddenly I was adventuring into entrepreneurship. I couldn't even spell entrepreneur at the time. What I did know is that I've always liked working hard, I've never been one to shy away from a challenge. So, we asked as many questions as we could, we took advice from everyone, we tried to remain cautious yet move quickly on contracts and hires. I couldn't ask for a better introduction to business. From the first negotiation we made, I was hooked. It wasn't that I found my calling - my calling had found me. I think that's how most people find the best kind of success, it's not so much about trying to fit yourself into where you think you belong, it's about doing what you love. I thought being a lawyer was going to be my life - my only way to success. Instead, a silly side project with a friend became the success. The reason for this is simple - it was rooted in a lifelong passion. That's why I always ask people concerned about their career path, "what do you want to do?" - what you think you should do should be ignored.

You can't rush great things -- like potatoes.  -- Thomas, age 10

I moved to New York the next year and started thinking about the world beyond inappropriate, anonymous, and humorous text messages. What about your every day conversations? Banters came from the realization that my daily exchanges — quips with coworkers, inside jokes with friends — carry with them just as many memories as photographs and videos. And they deserve to be saved. Not only that, but they should be able to be shared with friends, because they're often entertaining.

Mom, you're a good maker. - Caroline, age 7

It's been an awesome experience to work on Banters. I was most touched when I realized how parents use Banters as a way to save the adorable things their kids say. It's a lot easier than pausing to write it down in a book, which was what some told us they did before discovering Banters. We're happy and honored to serve as a scrapbook of quotes for them.  I feel blessed to get to do what I love every day - talk and make people laugh.

What do you remember that you did spontaneously as a child?  How can that inform your dreams? 

Have you gone down one path toward a dream (like law school), only to realize that it was a way station, not the destination?

What are the people, especially the children around you saying, that is incredibly clever - that you forget if you don't write it down?

P.S. Here's how to use Banters:

1. You can sign up here and download the iPhone app here.
2. Banters is simple.  Just wait for a quotable moment and save it by using the post button on the app or visiting Banters and hitting create a post.
3. You can choose to make any conversation only viewable to yourself by hitting the lock button while posting or you can make your entire account private in the settings.

Giveaway: Smart Trust by Stephen M.R. Covey and Greg Link

When you leave a comment, or post to Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+ or Facebook (see sample tweet below), you'll be entered to win an autographed copy of Smart Trust.  The contest will close on Wednesday, January 18 at midnight (EDT); I'll announce the winner on Thursday, January 19.

Two weeks ago, Stephen M.R. Covey and Greg Link sent me a copy Smart Trust, a book about how to have high trust in a low-trust world.  Their premise being, "we've become very good at recognizing the cost of trusting too much, we're not nearly as good at recognizing the cost of not trusting enough." Covey is the author of the New York Times bestseller The Speed of Trust. Greg Link is the strategist behind the blockbuster success of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

My litmus test when I'm approached about "endorsing a book" is simple: If I can genuinely connect to what the authors have written, schedule permitting, I will. 

Smart Trust passed muster, particularly because as I've written here, trust is not one of my strong suits, but I want it to be.

You will likely have very different learnings than I did, but here are my three key discoveries:

1)  I don't always distrust.  Sometimes I blindly trust, toggling between the two. This either/or paradigm is a tough way to live. Writes Frank Crane, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough."  When I've decided to move out of the tormented state, I have frequently trusted too much, regret ensues, reinforcing the mistrust.

What had never occurred to me is that there is the middle road of "smart trust."  As the authors explain, "Smart trust is judgement.  It's a competency and a process that enables us to operate with high trust in a low-trust world.  It minimizes risk and maximizes possibilities by optimizing (1) a propensity to trust and (2) analysis." This book provides a rationale and tactical advice for trusting smartly.  With this book fresh on my mind, I practiced smart trust in a recent negotiation.  It's a much better way to operate.  The less torment in my life, the better.

2)  I'm not as trustworthy as I thought I was.  And, if I will become more trustworthy, I will actually trust more.   Let me explain what I mean.  I cancel on people not infrequently.  Not to be rude, but because I overcommit, get overextended.  Blind spot no longer blind, I realize this breeds mistrust.  If I will be more careful about what I commit to, and then keep those commitments, to my professional and civic colleagues, to my friends, and my family, and to myself, I will trust more.

3)  Because we don't dream well in isolation, when we are neither trustworthy nor trust, we isolate ourselves, making it difficult to dream.  However, by optimizing our head (analysis) and our heart (propensity to trust), by learning to discern, we raise the odds of being able to execute our dreams.

Thoughts?

Beyond the general "politicans and businesses can't be trusted" zeitgeist, have you examined trust recently?

How has your ability to trust propelled your dreams forward?

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When you leave a comment, or post to Twitter, LinkedIn, Google+ or Facebook (see sample tweet below), you'll be entered to win an autographed copy of Smart Trust.  The contest will close on Wednesday, January 18 at midnight (EDT); I'll announce the winner on Thursday, January 19.

 

Here's a sample tweet -- "Big dividends come from the ability to wisely extend trust and be trusted". - @coveylink c @johnsonwhitney #in #smarttrust

Thank you Stephen and Greg for your willingness to send off a signed copy!

Don't Gossip, and Give Positive Reviews

There are two ideas from Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project that I don't want to forget:  I hope you'll want to remember them too.

Don't Gossip (pg 156) -- When I'm completely fed up with someone or something, I want to vent.  For good reason.  Apart from the emotional release, Rubin explains, "gossip plays an important social role by reinforcing community values:  its makes people feel closer to each other, it unifies people who play by the rules, it helps people get a sense of the values of their community, and it exposes the misbehavior of others....but, it's not kind to do." 

"Another reason", she writes, "not to say critical things about other people is 'spontaneous trait transference.'  Because of this psychological phenomenon, people unintentionally transfer to me the traits I ascribe to other people.  If I tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with me.  On the other hand, if I say that Pat is brilliant or hilarious, I'm linked to those qualities.  What I say about people sticks to me."

Sometimes knowing it's unkind to gossip just isn't a strong enough reason not to.  Knowing about spontaneous trait transference pairs nicely with my more abstract and lofty goal of being kind.

2)  Give Positive Reviews (pg 268) -- "Studies show," Rubin writes, "that people who are critical are often perceived to be more discerning...Another study shows that people tend to think that someone who criticizes them is smarter than they are.  Also, when a person disrupts a group's unanimity, he or she lessens its social power." 

She continues, "Although enthusiasm seems easy and undiscriminating, in fact, it's much harder to embrace something than to disdain it.  It's riskier...Enthusiasm is a form of social courage...Giving positive reviews requires humility...A willingness to be pleased requires modesty and even innocence..."

Intuitively I think I knew this, but couldn't articulate that giving negative reviews is a means of gaining power.  Nor did I realize that I sometimes purposely seek out negative reviewers.  I'm not alone.  How many of the contestants on American Idol especially valued praise from Simon "everything-is-a-power-play" Cowell?

Here's a real-life example.  Last year, I worked with Claudyne Wilder on a speech I had to give.  When someone asked if she was good, I started to say - "oh, she's ok."  Which wasn't true.  She was actually terrific.  Under her "positive reviews" tutelage, I made HUGE strides. Why, then, the initial lukewarm response?  Because she didn't have a need to show me how smart she was by criticizing me.  As the research would have predicted, I almost dinged her for it.

There's so much more I could highlight from The Happiness Project, but these were two of my more important a-has.  It was an inspiring read in the tradition of Sarah Ban Breathnach's Simple Abundance.  (Thanks to Heather Bennion for recommending the book.) 

What are your thoughts?

Had you considered that when you say positive/negative things, the hearer transfers that trait to you?

Have you ever secretly derided enthusiasm, like I have, not recognizing it for what it is -- a form of social courage? 

Why is having the humility to give positive reviews so important in helping others achieve their dreams?

P.S. You'll be hearing a whole lotta "brilliant, witty and beautiful" going forward.  May these words stick to both you and me.

HBR Blog: The Many Faces of Entitlement

Here's my latest post on HBR. 

It's a follow-on to a piece that I wrote last year about Richard and Linda Eyre's book The Entitlement Trap.

When I first spoke to Richard Eyre about their book, I encouraged him to write an op-ed discussing how entitlement affects the workplace.  I found myself suggesting this again a few months later when I saw Linda.  That got me wondering.  Am I suggesting this just because it's good idea for them, or because it was a topic I wanted/needed to explore further.  Having now poured my brain into this post -- I realize it was.

Perhaps there's a lesson here.

If you are at a loss as to what topics you might be discussing, examine what ideas you find yourself suggesting that others write or talk about, over and again.  Or what articles you forward to people.  Or who you cc on Facebook or Twitter.  It's likely this impulse has shown you something about you. Or as S. Max Brown writes, "Be mindful of the things we celebrate.  They are a reflection of the things we hold in high esteem."

Thoughts?

 

Steve Adlard: Conditional Dreaming

Steve Adlard lives with his family in Coventry, England. He has 2 young children who constantly remind him he's still learning. He's the director of Motive Consulting Ltd which specialises in leadership and organisational development, building on a long career in organisational learning and before that, in telecommunications. He enjoys running, cycling, and taking any opportunity to climb a mountain, of which there are absolutely none in Coventry.  After reading Steve's thoughts, click through to his leadership and OD blog (www.supermotive1.wordpress.com) and say hello.

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Who am I to write on a blog about dreams? I’m not the CEO of a high performing organisation, neither have I realised a childhood dream of excellence, or set any athletic records of note.

Me? I do ok.

So what I want to explore is the difficult ground between competence and dreams.

I admire those who overcome adversity, exclusion, discrimination or handicap to achieve great things beyond people’s expectations. It inspires us. Hopefully it sends a message to others in similar oppressive situations to break free also, and keep the cycle of human achievement rolling.

But I was lucky enough not to be brought up in an adverse environment. It had its difficulties, but not great threat. I enjoyed school, and made good grades. Such that I went into an interesting career in telecommunications where I enjoyed great opportunity; I was planning comms systems in overseas territories where others were reluctant to go as creature comforts had not yet reached those parts of the world, and faraway travel was awesome for a lad from Yorkshire, England. I had great fun, but in the course of that first career, found that I loved developing people, leaders, teams and organisations, and made that my career for the last 20 years.

Lake Region, U.K.

So as I say, I do ok. In fact I do pretty well. I’ve achieved some great results in that time. Former students have gone on to achieve great things too. I’ve had some awards, spoken at some cool conferences, and done work that I am very proud of. But for someone in that development environment, the finger has turned to point accusingly in my own direction. Am I achieving my potential? Am I fulfilling my dream?

There’s a brilliant and insightful poet called David Whyte, based in Washington (but also with Yorkshire roots – no bias I promise!) He describes us making conditional decisions around dreams; I’ll do that once the kids have grown; once I get a raise; when I have more time and so on. It’s clear that his message contains a warning of how easy it is for us to find reasons to keep a safe distance from our dreams: Enjoy the feel of them, but hold a very rational barrier to actually committing to them.

And if we ‘do ok’, then that barrier is built stronger with our own competence. We are getting along fine thanks, we’re comfortable, and if we don’t rock our own boat there’s a good chance we’ll survive. On this territory there is no adversity to overcome; we need a different motivator.

Steve Adlard, Lake Country, U.K.

So for me, the question of potential is increasingly challenging. It’s become the motivator that is the increasing thorn in my side. Am I on track to look back on my career in 20 years’ time and say ‘Yes, I achieved everything I possibly could have’? Or will I look back and say, ‘I did ok, sometimes pretty well’, and be happy with that. ‘Potential’ is a word that has defined my view of my career with respect to other people. This year, I’m going to extend the scope to include myself. I think that’s important. In 12 months’ time I don’t care if I’m still not the CEO of a major organisation, and there’s a good chance I won’t break any athletic records of note, but I know that I do want to be able to say I’m meeting my potential. I think it’ll be exciting.

So my commitment then: I promised Whitney that I’d provide a second post; this one in will follow in December 2012, and my challenge is to justify my year’s work. Whether I’m successful at achieving my potential or not, I’ll tell you.

I want that to be a really good post.

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Have you ever considered the difference between being competent and fulfilling your potential?  How are they connected for you?

"How easy it is to keep a safe distance from our dreams."

"If we do ok, we fortify with our competence a rational barrier to our dreams."

It's rather serendipitous to me that I received Steve and Amelia Hertzberg's post at nearly the same time.  There's a clear commonality.

If you, like Steve and Amelia, would like the public accountability of commiting to dream, ping me -- and you can go on record.

Amelia Hertzberg: Ballerina, Superspy, Oh My

Amelia Hertzberg grew up in Groveland, Massachusetts as the baby of three children. Currently she lives in Belmont, Massachusetts with her own three babies. Her interests include hiking, reading, creating, and having dance parties with her children. Now that her husband has finished his schooling, it is time for her to put some of those interests into a graduate degree and career of her own.

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I am never going to be a ballet dancer. In fact, there wasn’t ever much hope of that given I was born with both feet turned in and had to learn how to walk without tripping over myself. Despite that, however, it was always in the back of my mind that someday, when I was all grown up, I would be a beautiful ballet dancer- that or a female James Bond. Well, I’m all grown up, and I am neither a ballet dancer nor a sexy super-spy. It is time my dreamscape grew up too.

Source: istockphoto

It was sad the day I realized that I was too old to fulfill those aspirations. Personally, I feel like I took too much stock in the confidence my parents had in me. To them, I was beautiful, smart, witty, athletically gifted, and sure to go places. While I tried various things and did my best, it was as though, in my head, I was over there on the sidelines with them waiting to witness my greatness blossom. Rather than choosing something and working at it, I was waiting to discover my passion and for it to guide my life path.

Now that it’s pretty obvious savant capability is not waiting to burst forth from my brain or body and that I’m interested in too many diverse things for them to guide me, it’s easy to feel a little let down. Like many of you, I’m sure, I had loving parents who told me I could be what ever I wanted to be. There were so many choices that instead of choosing, I waited for an epiphany, and now certain doors (like ballet and, most likely, secret agent work), are closed. Now I’m mature enough to realize that no agents are going to see me buying groceries and decide I’m the next Audrey Hepburn or knock down my door saying they heard me singing to my children and that I’m a born lyricist. No one is going to tell me what I can accomplish and lay it all at my feet.

Then there’s the nagging feeling as I struggle to keep my house, children, and husband presentable that some people are not meant for greatness. Perhaps growing up is just realizing your limitations and doing the work you must. After all, history and the homeless person on the street show tons of people are stuck doing just that.

My work right now is being a stay at home mother. For some, raising a family is their dream, and their homes, husbands, and children are probably amazing, but it is not for me. As modern technology succeeds in making a stay at home mother’s work more mindless and less rewarding than ever, I think more and more mothers are seeking a creative outlet. Recent rises in the popularity of old fashioned skills like sewing, making jams, and knitting seem to support this. I’ve dabbled in these hobbies and found myself proficient but unfulfilled.

Here I am, old enough that childhood dreams have passed and new responsibilities weigh on me but young enough that I’m not ready to throw in the towel. I am in America: The Land of Opportunity. I have a college education. I have access to all kinds of information.  I have a longer life expectancy than any other generation in history. And, by golly, just because I’m a grown up with a baby on my hip and two others constantly trying to kill each other doesn’t mean it is too late to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and go do it. After all, even if I’d been a ballet dancer, my ballet career would be over by now, and I’d be in the same boat as I am. So, chin up, Amelia Renee, and go get ‘em, and you -- you go get ‘em too.

Has there every been a time when you had so many choices, you didn't make a choice?

"It was as though, in my head, I was over there on the sidelines with them waiting to witness my greatness blossom." Have you ever done this?  I have?

Now that your childhood dreams have passed, are you ready to consider your dreams today?

Amelia is going to date five dreams, and then report back in six months.  Have you dated any dreams recently?

A new definition of difficult

Just. one. more. step.

It's the marathon approach to life.  If I can just keep going...

I say that a lot.  But even as I make it sound hard to do, I'm sort of preaching to the choir of me.  Through rain, snow, sleet, and hail, I do keep moving.

I'm realizing that the real difficult for me (and therefore what I talk about less frequently) is: 

Lack of control.  Duality.  Messiness.

Yesterday I had a lot of practice.   For your consideration and mine, a modified definition of difficult:   

-- Knowing what to do when your 15 yr-old son decides not to share any of the cinammon rolls he's been given as a gift with the rest of the family, but then says something kind and tender-hearted to his 11 yr-old sister.  Scold him, appreciate him?  Both? 

-- Telling a business partner that the best way to get a deal done is to circumvent you.

-- Realizing that being stuck in a girls' club is more your own doing that you had initially supposed. "I have seen the cause, and the cause is me."

-- Saying no when you don't mean maybe.

-- Transacting like you believe the whole is greater than the sum of the parts.

-- Sharing enough with a new friend that you can become friends, which come at the cost of feeling a wee bit vulnerable.

-- Sticking with learning something new (like doing the codeacademy tutorial with your daughter) even though you feel kinda dumb.

-- Asking for what you think is fair, at the risk of not being liked.

-- Ending the day feeling discombobulated, but being ok.

-- Seeing my character under construction, and rather than putting up a "Don Not Enter" sign while I'm being remodeled, invite them in to see the work in progress.

Said Helen Keller, “Security is mostly a superstition. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.” 

On second thought.  This is its own kind of marathon.

Just. one. more. step.

Is your definition of difficult really that definition?  Or are you actually pretty good at that kind of hard?  What's your real difficult?