A passionate believer in the rights of women (especially mothers), Kaylie Astin is the founder of www.familyfriendlywork.org, where she blogs and raises awareness of work and family issues. She is also an aspiring novelist and freelance writer whose work has appeared in publications such as Boys’ Life and Children’s Writer. Kaylie received a bachelor's degree in music and resides in Utah with her husband and three children.
I have always believed that the work of mothers matters.
That’s why I assumed, growing up, that staying home to take care of my family was the only way to go, especially when I heard leaders within my faith talk about the value of mothers staying home. When I became a mother myself, I quit everything, because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. I couldn’t imagine going to the grocery store, let alone going to work, while someone else watched my baby.
But it didn’t take long for me to realize that though I’d always dreamed of raising a family, something was missing. I had other dreams and interests, and these dreams hadn’t died when I became a mother. At first, when I compared myself to other Mormon women who loved staying home, these dreams made me feel guilty because in my mind, family was supposed to be all I wanted.
I tried to fill the void in my life. I scrapbooked, planned a music advertising business, got sucked into multi-level marketing, invested in real estate, wrote novels, blogged, opened an Etsy store, and wrote for magazines (not all at the same time). I needed something, I knew, but nothing felt right, and I became increasingly desperate. The ambitions I’d been squelching were stubborn. They wouldn’t go away. I considered going back to work, but couldn’t find a part-time job that paid more than minimum wage.
Wasn’t there a way for women like me to combine ambition with family instead of choosing one or the other?One day, I heard Quentin L. Cook, the former vice chairman of Sutter Health System, a leader within my faith, say the following, “I would hope that [Mormons] would be at the forefront in creating an environment in the workplace that is more receptive and accommodating to both women and men in their responsibilities as parents.”
This single sentence was like manna from heaven, balm to soothe my troubled soul. I wanted to do some type of work. Until this moment I believed I would have to choose family or career. For me, Quentin Cook's speech was more than an acknowledgment that Mormon women worked. In that moment, I felt I had been given providential permission to work. Moreover, this sermon was an invitiation for me to fight for families in the workplace.
And suddenly, I knew I had to do just that.
I began by researching, and what I found ignited my passion to make a difference even more. If mothering was so important, and so many mothers worked, why hadn’t workplaces recognized this? Why, for so many women, was it a choice between feeding their children and raising them?I considered many ways of putting myself “at the forefront”, knowing I wanted to reach as many women as possible. I wanted to help women learn about different kinds of work arrangements and figure out how to negotiate them. I hoped women would talk to each other about guilt and child care. I wanted young women to understand the importance of education.
I also noticed there weren’t many resources for Mormon women, in particular, to learn and talk about work and family issues. With family being so important to our faith, how could we help workplaces accommodate our priorities?
So I decided to put together a website.
It sounds easy, but it wasn't. First there was the minor issue of not knowing how to build a site. Then there were snags like technical difficulties, domain name changes, re-designs, and re-writes. But finally, in February 2012, I launched my site, www.familyfriendlywork.org. But the dream doesn't stop there. Now I'm working to get as many people involved as possible. I plan to add more information to the site and form partnerships with like-minded organizations also agitating for change.
The more I learn, the more I appreciate the silver lining in my struggles. The lack of an outlet for my ambition has created its own kind of ambition -- to share what I've learned through an often frustrating process with women in search of work-life fit answers.
I still believe that mothers matter, but not every mother wants to or can stay home. Most workplaces operate on a model that allows parents little time with their children. If workplaces accommodated the needs of families, they, their employees, and all of society would benefit. Here's hoping my site makes a difference.
Have you found yourself grappling with how to attend to others' dreams as well as your own?
Do you remember a time when a single sentence or phrase from someone you revered triggered a paradigm shift?
How do your deeply-held beliefs inform your dreams?
Alice Baumgartner is one of the founders of the FACE IT Campaign. After graduating from Yale in 2010, she worked for a year at a medical clinic in rural Bolivia—an experience which made her an avid proponent of disruptive innovation. She is now studying Latin American history at Oxford on a Rhodes Scholarship.
One afternoon, at the end of my first semester at college, a group of men from my philosophy class were studying for our exam in the dining hall. Since I had questions about Kant’s Metaphysics—actually, about most of the readings—I decided to ask if I could join them. But, as I approached the table, the men grew silent. I asked if I could sit down, and then waited uncomfortably for a response. They said nothing, and after a few minutes, I walked away, confused and most of all, embarrassed.
The next day, I ran into a friend, who had been at the table. He immediately apologized for what had happened. It had nothing to do with me. It was just that the men in the group had decided that they did not want to study with women.
I was taken aback. I’d always been told I could do anything, so long as I worked hard enough. This, I thought, was no different. I just needed to work harder. I needed to show them I was good enough—no matter my gender.
Then it hit me: I would never be invited to join that study group. It did not matter how hard I worked because the decision of who to include was never based on merit. Instead it was made according to who these men were friends with, and whom they felt comfortable around. It was a question of networks—not abilities.
It would be easy to chalk it all up to schoolboy capers, of no concern outside of the dining hall, except that these principles seem to operate elsewhere, especially in corporate America. The most recent example is Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, whose company filed in February for the largest IPO ever in tech—$5 billion—without a single woman on its board.
To me, it seems obvious this board is an enormous mistake for a company whose mission is the “direct empowerment of people, more accountability for officials and better solutions to some of the biggest problems of our time.” But when I tell my friends about Facebook’s board, they’re not so sure. They believe firmly in American meritocracy. If there are no women on the board, well, it is probably because there are no qualified women.
They are overlooking—as I had once overlooked—the process by which these groups are selected. When it comes to boards, that old adage applies: It’s not what you know, it’s who you know. You might be at the top of your graduating class. (After all, seventy percent of college valedictorians are female.) You might run your own company. (According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, women now hold 51.4 percent of managerial and professional jobs—up from 26.1 percent in 1980.)
But unless there’s a Larry Summers to your Sheryl Sandberg, it won’t really matter. Only twenty-four women were added to Fortune 500 boards in 2011. At this sluggish rate, it will take 40 years for women to occupy just 30% of Fortune 500 board seats. That means that when my friends and I are in our sixties, ready and qualified to serve on a corporate board, our male peers will still stand a better chance of taking a seat at the table—for no other reason than that they were born male.
Unless we start doing something about it now.
On April 2, I launched the FACE IT Campaign with a group of friends to protest the fact that although women make up the majority of Facebook’s users, produce the majority of its content, and drive its revenues, Facebook’s board is made up entirely of white men. We are using Facebook, not to topple Arab governments, but to create meaningful change in corporate America—change that has not occurred for years, despite the articles, conferences, and commitments to do better. We are doing it because we want to be judged by our abilities—not our gender.
Often, in the past week, I’ve been told to stop making such a fuss. And, in those moments, I try to remind myself of that study group my freshman year—and what made a difference. It was not hard work. It was my friends, who decided to sit—uninvited—at that table. At first the men remained silent. Then one started to hiss. But my friend stayed put. And, finally, after a few days, the men stopped meeting at that table.
Instead they began to form new study groups—this time, with women.
***
What experiences are formative to your dreams?
Have you ever had someone try to tell you that something isn't true, when you know it is?
Will you take a moment and say atta girl to Alice for pursuing her dream?
P.S. Alice reached out to me after reading Why I'm Glad Sheryl Sandberg Isn't On Facebook's Board (Yet)
Linda is a seasoned marketing professional with over 30 years in the financial services industry. She graduated from Universityof Pennsylvania's Wharton School with a BS in Economics and with an MBA from NYU. She moved to Boston in 1985 and calls it home, even with her New York state of mind. Linda is the founder of Amour Creations and has been featured in the Boston Globe and The Nibble. She has two grown children and lives in Brookline with her husband and cockapoo, Tovi.
What was I thinking the summer of 2010 taking on my 20 year old son’s challenge to market T'ART – a prepared baking mix?
I am a veteran Marketer at one of the largest mutual fund and financial services groups in the world, have a pedigree undergrad degree and an MBA. For fun, I peddle T’ART which I have been making for over 15 years, but launched a year ago. Every weekend, I schlep, whether matter rain or shine, going store to store, table and T’ARTs in hand to be looked at with wonder – why are you, an attractive, tall and slim middle aged woman doing food demos?
Sometimes I feel a little uncomfortable, truth be told, but only for a moment. This exchange has become part of my game. My juices start flowing and my sales pitch goes into high gear and then I hear “wow - you mean, you started this company? You‘re Linda?” “Like yeaaaah – thinking to myself” ….and then this magical transformation takes place. I’ve now successfully redirected the dialogue and am happily answering interesting questions. My audience is engaged, respecting me differently, even buying TART to support me, a local woman entrepreneur! I acknowledge this appreciated gesture vocally with a YESSS and thank you, while clinching my arms high up in the air! I did it!! I know T’ART is great, versatile, fail proof, easy, convenient - and all that, but it is this win of the sale that’s the energy booster propelling me to do more!
For years, friends told me I was onto something. But getting started was no easy feat. I work pretty crazy hours for my “real job” and knew zip about the food industry except that I love food, love to cook, bake and EAT, especially dinner (with a nice glass or two of wine!). Where would I find time and the patience to learn, explore, follow-up, and bring T’ART to market. I figured it out by putting all my other life interests on hold including my volunteer work, exercise, book club, girlfriend time, husband time and, entertaining, all the best of earning my empty nester stripes.
So, why bother making T’ART a reality?
I needed to satisfy my entrepreneurial desire and prove to myself and others, I could actually do it. So it became a series of gates - each time another set of decisions were made, an entry gate opened. Check mark, and a new gate to cross was in front of me. T’ART was initially more of an emotional vs financial commitment. I became obsessed with every detail and learned to function on only four hours sleep for months. I actually worked the hardest I ever did, and truly did my best professional work. I guess what my dad said was true: give a busy person something to do, and it gets done! It really was infectious, exciting, overwhelming, scary and paralyzing!
Who knew from residential and state kitchen licenses, nutritional analysis, the UPC code, FDA packaging; material cost, trademarks and liability insurance to name few were things I had to manage to. And the energy spent on naming and designing my logo. My husband could not fathom why I spent months on those customer facing details that help shape the brand. Dear husband, shall I remind you what I do for a living? Yes. These details are deliberate. Is it T’ART or T’ARTE with an “e”? Who cares? I do. The brand I was starting to create was a reflection of me and I needed to connect with and love it. And when people tell me they love my packaging, I somehow feel exonerated from obsessing.
It’s kind of funny that I love to bake given that mom has always loved “the bakery”. Aunt Sylvia, may she rest is peace and beaming with pride, was really the one who was instrumental in developing my interest in baking. Every Passover, she welcomed her nieces in the kitchen with open arms and lined us up to help make her famous banana, nut and sponge cakes. She taught us how to separate the eggs, whip to firm peaks, fold and best of all, lick the spatula and prep bowls. Yummm. That was the beginning, and this intrigue continued during my summer as a 15 year old au pair in Montmorency, outside of Paris, where I really learned the art of tartes, making and rolling the dough from scratch, adding fresh peaches and apricots (my all time favorite!). I can still smell and taste it. I would devour every amazing morsel in seconds. I came home smitten, and in no time, had my very own rolling pin and French tart pans with removable bottoms which I still have and use today for my very simple version of T’ART.
What’s next for T’ART? I am torn as I weigh the opportunities, the investment in time and money and the sacrifices. Each of these paths require different focuses and so, not till I am able commit to myself what T’ART should be when it grows up, can I fully execute on my brand, online sales, and overall business development strategy. That leaves me treading water a little, confused and hesitant as to how deep that foot should go into the water. The good news, I declared to my husband this week-end, that come Dec 31, 2012, I will know which path T’ART will take.
For now, I have what keeps me going - the “wow’s; the children’s thumbs up and smiles, the voice mails, the emails, and the T’ART makers who stop by at a tasting and proclaim how great T’ART is. How it cheers up her sick dad, how the dinner guests left no crumbs, or what a great hostess gift it makes wrapped along with a T’ART pan. Let’s not forget those FaceBook likes and comments that inspire me. And to all the wonderful local; small woman business owners who are willing to share and to the local markets who have faith in T’ART and keep telling me when I am demo'd out- to continue with the demo, demo and demo, demo and more demo.
In fact, this week-end, why not come see, smell and taste for yourself?
Have you had your children dare you to dream?
Do you have a dream that has taken you by surprise?
What would you do if you were Linda? Go to Honestly Now and vote!
Giveaway: When you leave a comment (or tweet, Facebook, Linkedin, etc.) you'll be entered to win a copy of The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. The giveaway will close on Wednesday, April 4 at midnight (ET); I'll announce the winner on Thursday, April 5.
A few weeks ago, I received a copy of the The Power Habit, a book about the science of habit formation by Charles Duhigg, a staff writer at the New York Times. I have to concur with Dan Pink's blurb, "Once you read this book, you'll never look at yourself, your organization, or your world quite the same way."
Duhigg's four-step framework for reshaping habits is as follows:
A quick Q&A:
Q. How did your life change as a result of writing this book?
A. I lost about 30 lbs and I'm now training for the NYC marathon; my life has become more my own.
Q. How has your research impacted how you rear your children?
A. I started reporting on this topic when my first son Oliver, who will be four next month, was born. Understanding the importance of habits, and the 100 habits of self-discpline, we are more resolved to have him make his bed, straighten his room, take a bath, eat dinner together, read a story -- and eventually to do his homework, each day.
Q. How do you apply what you learned to writing?
A. Because I'm a journalist I'm used to writing. But I'll still think, ugh, I've got 30 pages to read and edit. I also know that it's just a matter of starting. My research reminds me that if I can habituate myself to edit just one sentence, I'll get so drawn into the text, I'll be off.
Q. Any major idea you'd like to convey?
A. There's something magical about the neurology of habits. Any habit can change. At any point in your life. Habits are completely malleable. Once we understand the habit loop of cue, routine and reward, we can begin to change behavior.
***
My takeaways:
1) "There's something magical about the neurology of habits." When I'm tired I'll think, I'm just going to eat this treat, it doesn't matter. But it does. Everytime I do something the same or differently, I'm reinforcing or reworking the loop. And that's encouraging. For example, two evenings this week I stopped eating at 9pm, rather than grazing until midnight, because I was reminded that one small win can make a difference.
2) "Belief is the ingredient that makes a reworked habit loop into a permanent behavior; belief is easier when it occurs within a community." Duhigg relates that as a head football coach, Tony Dungy's teams had done a superb job of changing their habits, but reverted to old ones in championship games. It was only after the tragic death of Dungy's son did the team have the 'belief' they needed to win. In 2007, the Indianapolis Colts won the Super Bowl.
As we rework the habit loop of daring and dreaming, it will be easier when we do this as a community: we dream best when we dream together.
***
One last idea:
If you are a Gladwell Tipping Point fan, you will likely find this interesting. Dissecting the Civil Rights movement from the perspective of habits, Duhigg concludes "it wasn't inevitable that Parks' rebellion would result in anything other than her arrest. Bu then habits intervened, and something amazing occured." Summarizing:
1) A movement starts because of social habits of friendship and the strong ties between close acquaintances -- Because Rosa Parks was deeply respected and embedded within her community, when she was arrested it triggered a series of social habits -- the habits of friendship -- that ignited an initial protest.
2) It grows because of the habits of a community, and the weak ties that hold neighborhoods and clans together. -- The Montgomery bus boycott became a society-wide action because the sense of obligation that held the black community together was activated when Parks' friends started spreading the word. People who hardly knew Parks decided to participate because of social peer pressure.
3) It endures because a movement's leaders give participants new habits that create a fresh sense of identity and ownership. Duhigg writes, "these social habits weren't strong enough on their own to extend a one-day boycott into a yearlong movement...but these fears evaporated when the protesters stood their ground freed from fear, and were now sustained by new habits that had changed their sense of self."
***
What habits would you like to change?
Does this strengthen your resolve to require your children to create good habits? I kept thinking.. "Train up your child in the way she should go."
How have you seen social habits effect change?
***
Giveaway: When you leave a comment (or tweet, Facebook, Linkedin, etc.) you'll be entered to win a copy of The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg. The giveaway will close on Wednesday, April 4 at midnight (ET); I'll announce the winner on April 5. Here are some sample tweets:
"There's something magical about the neurology of habits." - @cduhigg http://bit.ly/HAVFrP
“Champions don’t do extraordinary things. They do ordinary things without thinking, too fast for the other team to react.” - @cduhigg http://bit.ly/HAVFrP
“Routines are the organizational analogues of habits.” -- @cduhigg http://bit.ly/HAVFrP
“Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion that favor another small win.” - @cduhigg http://bit.ly/HAVFrP
“A community creates belief.” -- @cduhigg http://bit.ly/HAVFrP
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