dare to dream

Getting gratitude

I have not been able to get Anna Kerr's comment that "we are desperate and depressed because our society encourages us to be dissatisfied" off my mind.

It was a reminder that we need to not only look up and ahead, but down and back, and that as we dare and dream, and then 'get', if we aren't grateful for 'what we get', we'll still be desperate and depressed.

With a nod and big thank you to Anna, here's a list of things (and their respective categories) that I am grateful for:

1) God's grace -- God's grace is something we don't deserve, but are given anyway, unfettered and unconditionally. For me, it is the fall foliage in New England. It is glorious to behold.

What providential gift, or gift of grace, are you grateful for?

2) Gift of another's self -- This is a gift that comes when people play to their strengths and give us something we very much need or want, but can't give to ourselves. Because it is generously given, it is systergy at its purest, but certainly not the exclusive domain of women, as my friend Aaron demonstrated this past week.

LaNola Kathleen Stone is a superb example of this 'gift of self'. Kathleen has taken our family's Christmas pictures since Miranda was a baby. Because she is willing to play to her specific strengths and intelligences, every year Kathleen sees magnificence in my children that I certainly couldn't, and dare I say, few photographers could, as seen below.

What gift of another's self are you grateful for?

3) What I'm good at -- This will likely be the hardest one to come up with as it requires us to do precisely what Anna Fels' research and the Bem Sex Role Inventory indicate that feminine women don't do -- pull attention toward ourselves. Even after months of 'soapboxing' about this, I would have readily deflected had my friends Brooke and Stacey not gently encouraged me to stiffen my spine. And so.... I'm grateful that I am good at coming up with an idea or vision for a project AND that I can then execute against my vision; take Know Your Neighbor, for instance.

What are you grateful to be good at? What are your strengths? Is there a way that your 'good at' can be given as a gift of your self?

4) Simple pleasures -- This is something that makes us happy. Period. Like listening to Earth, Wind and Fire's Can't Hide Love. I loved this song as a 16 year-old. And I still love it. Every time I hear that magnificent horn introduction on my iPod, I am happy. A simple pleasure.

What simple pleasure are you grateful for?

P.S. Just this morning there was a terrific article in the NY Times titled Let us give thanks. In writing., and includes a quote from Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

Why I liked Wicked

It's been nearly three years since my friend Vanessa introduced me to the music of Wicked, a prequel to The Wizard of Oz about two young witches, Elphaba and Glinda, who came to be the Wicked Witch of the West, and The Good Witch of the North, respectively.

I finally saw it last month; it was worth the wait.

There is so much I could say, but here are the highlights, including a special YouTube treat:

1) Elphaba = Leah. Though clearly more talented than Glinda, because no one thinks her so, except those that want to use her, Elphaba feels undervalued and isolated. What would have happened if she could have believed, and others had believed, especially her parents and teachers, that she was Rachel? Would she have become The Wicked Witch of the West? Likely not.

Do we as parents, teachers, friends, family ever contribute to those in our care believing they are Leah?

2) Glinda = Rachel. I often talk of remembering we are Rachel, yet Wicked taught me that there are women who happily haven't forgotten. It also prompted the realization that just as Leah has her light side (stretching and striving), there can be a dark side to Rachel (being corrupted by the power and privilege that redounds to Rachel).

When in a situation in which we are beloved, as was Glinda the Good Witch, do we ever pull a Popular? Do we become so enamored with the fairy godmother persona that we inadvertently demean others? Can we guard against this corruption?

3) For Good, which celebrates the friendship of Elphaba and Glinda, could also be a systergy anthem. Listen to the lyrics as Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, the original stars, rehearse; I'll be curious to hear if you agree.

Who has changed your life for good? Have you seen Wicked? What were your highlights?

Systergy in St. Louis

Systergy, n. A collection of women, who by daring and dreaming together, will make synergistic contributions to their own lives and the world.

Dana King sent along an article from St. Louis At Home on The Spirit of St. Louis Women's Fund, a superb example of systergy.

As founder, Shelby Schagrin explains, women who join this organization commit to do just two things:

1) Give money -- Each member promises to give $1,200 a year for five years; 90 percent goes to the charities; 10% to overhead. With over 100 women in the Fund, that's over $100k/year for five years (at least) that will be invested in the community.

2) Vote on where the money goes -- Last year over 300 proposals were presented. A committee reviewed the proposals, visited applicants and put together a final ballot of candidates. Among the nine organizations funded were Gateway to Hope, an outreach for women with breast cancer who can't afford medical treatment, and La Clinica, a prenatal healthy baby program.

Ms. Schagrin concludes her interview with the words, "Together we can do more than we can do apart."

Systergy in word and in deed.

Atta Girls Shelby Schagrin and Susan Block!

Are there any "investment" clubs like this in your community?

If not, have you thought about starting one? Possibly in Boston?

The Spirit of St. Louis Women's Fund is an example of institutionalized systergy. Any other institutions that you can think of where systergy is formalized? What about on an informal, ad hoc basis?

What I learned about seeing from my glasses

I recently bought glasses.

Having never needed nor worn glasses, this was a big deal.

But my choice to get my eyes checked, and buy glasses on my birthday, left me wondering.

It's good to again read fine print, but of all the things that I could do on my birthday, why would my focus shift to eyeglasses?

Surely there was a bigger picture.

In buying glasses, was I acknowledging that even as my physical eyes deteriorate, I am seeing myself -- my who I am, my competence -- better than ever?

Further, are my glasses a tangible reminder of how important it is to me to mentor, to be a see-er of the magnificence in others, until they can see the magnificence in themselves?

And the answers to these rhetorical questions are --

Yes and yes.

I couldn't have given myself a better present.

What do you see more clearly today than you did last year, five years, ten years ago?

Who can you be a see-er for while she/he learns to see for themselves?

Pew Research Center's "Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work"

Hello, hello!

We’ve been on vacation for the better part of two weeks -- plenty of time to think, little time to write. Next time I plan to go on hiatus, I will let you know.

The first order of belated business is to direct you to the blogs of Barbara Torris and Brett Farmiloe. Brett, the founder of Pursue the Passion, put finger to keyboard to tell his story, while Barbara, a 65 year-old retired educator and grandmother who helps me see my possibilities, has identified her heros.

The second order of business is to flag a report (with a nod to Entrepreneur Daily and USA Today) published by the Pew Research Center Social and Demographic Trends Project titled Fewer Mothers Prefer Full-Time Work.

I wasn't all that surprised to learn that 6 in 10 full-time working moms would prefer to work part-time; however, I was intrigued to learn that the divide between working and at-home moms has widened.

In the 1997 study, about 4 in 10 of all mothers (38% of at-home moms; 39% of working moms) believed that an increase in working mothers was a negative societal trend. However, by 2007, 44% (15% increase) of the at-home mothers saw this as a negative; only 34% (an 8% decrease) of the working mothers concurred.

Why is this the key finding?

Because the digging in our heels around our work/life decisions suggests that our society's oft-repeated mantra of "live and let live" notwithstanding, mothers are becoming more, not less, judgmental of one another, and that sibling rivalry continues on the rise.

Which makes me quite sad.

Happily, there are mothers who shun the rivalry, embracing systergy in its stead.

While vacationing in Jackson Hole last week, I spoke with three such mothers, Stacey, Heather and Jane. Stacey I have known for many years; I've just become acquainted with Jane and Heather.

Photogaph courtesy of Melanie Mauer, a woman who is the picture of systergy

All of us have children under twelve. Each of us has a college degree, two have advanced degrees. Two of us work full-time; two are at-home.

Given our respective choices, and the trend identified by the Pew study, I suppose our interchange could have deteriorated into intransigent finger-pointing.

But it didn't.

On the contrary.

We asked one another how we’d made our decisions; we spoke of the trade-offs, sharing our struggles, validating and encouraging one another.

Does this kind of conversation, one in which we experience systergy, help us to rethink our competence, and bolster the belief that we can be the hero of our story?

I can’t speak for others.

But the answer for me is -- Yes, and again, yes.

Absolutely.

Can you think of a time when you have been critical of others’ choices related to how they were balancing motherhood and career? Any thoughts as to why you were critical?

My husband and I waited several years (10 to be exact) before having children. There were some who criticized us, but truth be told, I was critical of women who chose to have children immediately. In retrospect, my criticisms were a manifestation of my own insecurity: if I could believe others were wrong, then I could be definitively right.

Can you think of a conversation in which you encouraged and validated others? How did you feel? How do you move from sibling rivalry to systergy?

Farmer's market metaphor

My friend Lana Grover has likened systergy to the experience we have at a farmer's market.

As shown in these beautiful images, courtesy of Tableau Vivante, fresh fruits and vegetables and homemade goods are bought and sold. There is bounty, there is exchange, there is a personal touch that is nurturing; there is community.

But isn't there bounty, exchange, a personal touch at a flea market, an antique market, at Nordstrom?

Just looking at these images tells me it's not the same.

And after several days of thought, I think I know why.

With the release of the film An Inconvenient Truth, going green/being green have become household words, part of our mainstream culture.

And I will confess there are times when this movement seems all too conveniently impersonal -- save the planet, save the forests, save the animals -- even as I have become much more conscientious about recycling.

But when I read Bill McKibben's words (thanks to Mary Pipher), "The emergent science of ecology is easily summed up: Everything is connected. But interconnection is anathema to a consumer notion of the world, where each of us is useful precisely to the degree that we consider ourselves the center of everything."

I had an a-ha moment.

For many people, environmental concerns moving mainstream aren't about the environment per se, they are about people feeling disconnected. We don't know that we feel this way, but I believe we do. And because we don't know what to do to make it better -- we look for something tangible, concrete to help us re-connect -- like save a tree.

Which is why a farmer's market nourishes us in ways that other markets can't.

Because when we buy fresh fruits and vegetables, something deep inside of us knows that they are given to us by a Creator. We also know that these delicious peaches, cherries, apricots and plums aren't just for us, but will sustain, and most likely be eaten with, our loved ones.

In other words, a farmer's market reminds us that we are not the center of everything, but we are a part, that we are connected.

What comforting food.

What are your thoughts?

Do you agree with my premise about the linkage between the environment and our relationships?

Do you agree that a farmer's market is a metaphor for systergy? Why? Why not?

When was the last time you experienced systergy?

Mentoring by design

Systergy, n. A group of women, who by daring and dreaming together, make synergistic contributions to themselves and the world.

When 17 year-old Emily Trujillo wanted to learn more about interior design, she asked St. Louis designer Dana King for help. Determined to provide Emily with a hands-on experience, Dana approached the local Habitat for Humanity about decorating a newly-built home. As Dana partnered with additional interior designers, and Emily recruited her friends, the design team, including the Berry family, swelled to thirty.

The goal? Make the Berry house a home.

Drawing on the shampoo and style metaphor, let's identify the elements of systergy:

1) Even though it must have taken courage for Emily to ask for help, knowing Dana as I do, Emily undoubtedly knew it was safe to ask: Dana would be a competent and caring mentor.

2) Many would have discounted Emily's ambitions because she's 17. Dana King didn't. Instead she created a forum where Emily could learn many aspects of interior-design, including acommodating her client and how to collaborate with fellow designers. In other words, Dana was able to see the magnificence in Emily, and was willing to create a situation in which Emily could become her own see-er.

Source: Katherine Bish

3) In the thick of mentoring Emily, Dana made new friends in the community, broadened her skills as both an interior designer and project manager. Dana also discovered a philanthropic organization (Habitat for Humanity) with whom she would like to partner going forward. Contrary to generally-held opinion, in a sustainable mentor-mentee relationship, there is a give and get for both parties.

And that's as it should be.

Because we only really dream when we are together.

What would you like to learn?

In whose capable hands will you feel safe?

How can you create a win-win for all involved?

Redefining ladies who lunch

Sharing food with another human being is an intimate act that should not be indulged in lightly. M. F. K. Fisher

Source: Un jolie table -- Catamini

Over the past several decades, the phrase ladies who lunch, popularized by composer Stephen Sondheim, has come to mean "women who have so very much, but do very little."

Thanks to the clever play-on-words of Ladies Who Launch, a community for helping women start their own businesses, and to my love of lunch-ing with friends, I've wondered if a redefinition isn't in order.

How about this?

Ladies who lunch, n. Women who do so very much, sometimes with very little, because they get together for lunch.

Rings true for me.

Almost without exception, the women with whom I dream then dare, are women with whom, I have shared a meal. Typically, lunch.

I don't know why this is, and for once I'm not going to analyze.

It's enough for me to know that where there's a table set for a meal with my friends, very often I find too a place setting for my soul.

When was the last time that you had lunch with a friend who helps you see your magnificence?

Will you schedule something for the month of July?

Salon-style systergy

There are two kinds of familial likeness: one based on genes, as in families... The other...is that of a flame lighting another flame: the likenesses between two flames are [often] much greater. Harriet Rubin

Occasionally I am asked what my aspiration is for our dare to dream community, and I have fumbled for words. I could feel what I hoped for, but I couldn’t articulate it.

Now, I think I can.

On the plane to Mexico this week, I read Harriet Rubin’s The Mona Lisa Stratagem, and was captivated by her discussion of the salonistes, all the while reflecting on my real-life experience with Boston's salon-style discussion group Fusion.

Quoting from Rubin:

When youth and beauty failed women in seventeenth-century France, when…institutional…rewards did not satisfy them, they relied upon moral courage to make history in their image...They [did so by] creating salons of talk and friendship, gathering…in which ideas of freedom and revolution…changed the world.

From dining room to dining room, the walls of each outfitted in dark red or blue damask silks and curtains, the woman at the center kept changing, but the circle stayed the same. These beautiful courts, which turned the most unlikely fellow travelers into kin, not just colleagues, enlivened and democratized the world more completely than any routine form of organization.

With these words top-of-mind, dear friends, here is my first pass at what I want for our dream to dream community:

As individuals, may we each do something that is uniquely ours to do, becoming each of us dare to dreamgirls. As a community, may we practice salon-style systergy, and in so doing, enliven the world.

What is your goal for the dare to dream community?

P.S. For those of you that find statistics intriguing, and because the brand dame inspired me to do so, according to Feedburner, during the month of May our dare to dream community grew from 71 to 94 subscribers (mostly RSS feeds), an increase of 30% plus.

Systergy and our strengths

If you are ready to be the hero of your story by playing to your strengths, click here for a step-by-step approach.

However, I must warn you. It won't be quite as simple as you'd like. As part of the exercise you will need to ask others to share with you what they think your strengths are.

You may be ready to do this right now, you may not.

Regardless, why not practice a little systergy and outline the strengths of someone else?

On a milestone birthday, for instance.

And just to make giving this gift easier, here's what you could say to each of the guests once they've RSVP'd:

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The only true gift is a portion of thyself.”

So, for [Cynthia's] 40th birthday, we’d like to collectively give her a gift of each of ourselves. For this gift, we envision that we will share with Cynthia what we love about her.

Several years ago, the Harvard Business School published a case study entitled “How to Play to your Strengths” by Laura Morgan Roberts, et al. The thesis of this paper is that we can best contribute to our family and world by developing our gifts and leveraging our natural skills rather than by trying to repair our weaknesses.

The first step in identifying our natural skills and gifts is to ask friends, family, and colleagues for feedback.

For many, if not all, this exercise quickly becomes a double bind because while we probably want more than anything to hear what is wonderful about us, we are loath to ask. That is why this will be such a wonderful gift.

Here’s the template we’d like you to use:

1. Cynthia, one of the wonderful things about you (or ways you add value OR make the world a better place OR make my life happier OR make me happy you were born) is (provide an example).
2. Cynthia, another wonderful thing about you is (provide an example).
3. Cynthia, a third wonderful thing is (provide an example).

The bottom line is, what do you see as being magnificent or wonderful about Cynthia. We are looking to you to identify things that you see that she may not (the what), and then explain them (the why).

So that we have time to compile all of the tributes, will you e-mail your tribute to me by XXXX date?

Thank you taking the time to write this – I have no doubt that this gift -- from our selves to Cynthia’s self -- will be a gift that she will treasure for many years to come.

You may be wondering -- has Whitney done this?

The answer is -- yes.

And it was pure joy.

Do you have a friend that is approaching a milestone birthday?

Is this something that you'd like to do for her?

Is it something that you'd like to do for yourself -- because you are ready to dream?