dare to dream

HBR Blog: Brooksley Born and the Power of an Opposing Idea

Here's the link to my latest post over at HBR blogs: 

Ms. Born is a Stanford-trained lawyer, first female to graduate top of her class, etc.  Her story is riveting.  After you read the post, see below for some of my wonderings.

 
Source:  JFK Library -- Ms. Born is receiving the JFK Profiles in Courage award

Whereas I focused on what we as individuals or organizations do when we deal with ideas in opposition to ours over at HBR, here I'd like to focus on what it must feel like to be opposed, opposed (and right) such that she has been dubbed the Credit Crisis Cassandra:  Cassandra is the Greek Goddess who was granted both the gift of seeing the future, and the curse of no one believing her predictions.

Here are my questions:

1)  As Wikipedia describes Cassandra, she is a figure both of the epic tradition and tragedy, where her combination of deep understanding and powerlessness exemplify the tragic condition of humankind.  How must it have felt to have this burden?

2)  In watching the Frontline episode, the attacks were harsh and unrelenting by very powerful people.  How did she bear up under this pressure?

3) She was right.  Others were wrong.  And they were mean about it.  And yet, when you listen to her speak, there is no anger, no recrimination in her voice - only graciousness.  How?  How did she get to this place, a place I would hope we all get to?

4)  Are we not as Cassandra with the people we love, in particular with our children?  We can see where certain decisions will lead; we also know that our utterance of those predictions will more than likely go unheeded.

5) What wonderings do you have? Do you and I have the courage to say what we know to be true? Articulately, but kindly, even under pressure?

6)  When faced with an idea in opposition to our own do you think that Sally's Harker's theory of morning sickness is apropos?

Oh, to ask Ms. Born all these questions -- and more.

What are your questions?  Thoughts? 

Shark Tank: There are Boy Sharks, and Girl Sharks

Shark Tank is a new reality show in which entrepreneurs pitch their business ideas to potential investors. There are five total investors or sharks, four men, one woman.  I am intrigued by how gender differences (as highlighted in the following clips) seem to inform or influence deal negotiations:

Clip 1:   Two female entrepreneurs are pitching a playpen cover called Coverplay. Their portion of the show starts at 30:37.  Notice the terms on which the male vs. females are willing to do a deal.  Not to say the female isn't tough, but even in driving a hard bargain, listen to how she thinks.  Who would you want as a partner?  Here's another example of her feminine style, a style you'll note rather befuddles the toughest of the male sharks.

Clip 2:  A male entrepreneur is pitching custom energy bars or Element Bars.  Female shark bows out early.  He negotiates hard.  Male sharks are eating out of his hand; he even jokingly offers him a job.  Would the male sharks have responded so warmly to a woman with the same approach?  Would a woman have even negotiated?

Clip 3:  Titled Pretty the female entrepreneur's product is good enough, but the male sharks are surprisingly eager, like sharks to the bait.  She doesn't ask (If women aren't asking for something, we are playing within societal norms of femininity), but situates herself such that the men ask.  As the sharks vie for her attention they in effect negotiate on her behalf.

What differences have you observed between the negotiating styles of men and women, including your children?

Having observed these differences, how can you use them to your advantage so as to get done what you need/want to get done in the world?

Whether in our business, civic or church communities, how do we decide who gets 51%?  Or more broadly speaking who has ownership of a project?  When we don't have control, how do we stay engaged?

Can Nice Girls Ask?

I was just a year out of college, and interviewing for a sales assistant position at PaineWebber.

One of my prospective bosses offered me $24,000.  I countered with $27,000.  He pulled out his calculator like a gun from a holster, punched in $3,000, divided it by 52, and in a clipped tone responded, "That's only $57 more a week, why do you care?"

To which I responded, "Precisely".

PaineWebber subsequently agreed to $27k. I took the job.  Two years hence my bosses championed my hop, one that rarely happens in the investment banking world, from the admin to a professional track.

And I tucked away in my brain the belief  -- 'nice girls can ask'.

 
Source:  istockphoto

Nearly two decades later, I recognize that my experience with this employer was anomalous.

'Nice girls can't ask' has tended to more true.

For example, at the end of 2004, I'd had a great year at Merrill Lynch.  From stock-picking to commission dollars to peer reviews, I was top of the class.  Surely I was on solid ground when I conveyed to management that I expected to be a top 10% earner.  Instead I was told I was out-of-line.  And yep, you guessed it, my pay wasn't in the top 10% -- it wasn't even top quartile.

Which is why I wasn't at all surprised when I recently read about an academic study in a Washington Post article Salary, Gender and the Social Cost of Haggling, the findings of which are summarized below.

Although it may well be true that women often hurt themselves by not trying to negotiate, this study found that both men and women were more likely to subtly penalize women who asked for more, the perception being that women who asked for more were 'less nice'.  'What we found across all the studies is men were always less willing to work with a woman who had attempted to negotiate than with a woman who did not.  'They always preferred to work with a woman who stayed mum.'

 
Source:  istockphoto

Use your words.  Ask for what you want.  My experience and this study indicate there can be a social cost when women negotiate.  A cost that is consistent with the findings of Cornell professor Anna Fels' findings:  when we are giving something to someone else, we are feminine; when we are asking for something from someone, we are not.

It's a double bind.

I don't have an answer.  But, I do have some thoughts:

1. I was relieved to read about this study, to recognize that my professional rebuff was due to societal norms; it wasn't about me per se. 
2. If we are reluctant to ask for what we want, maybe we aren't being wimpy, but calculating the social cost of asking.
3. I am both surprised, but mostly appreciative, of my bosses at PaineWebber who were willing to negotiate with me -- and still wanted to work with me.I want, I need to, be nice -- to be attuned to others' needs.

AND
I want to, I need to, ask for what I want.
Being my self depends on it.

What are your thoughts?

For more on my work experiences, you can read:

1. HBR's How Star Women Build Portable Skills
2. The Hazards of Getting in the Game
3. Valuing What Women Do
4. Sucker Punch
5. Telling My Wall Street Story
6. The Allure of the Pom-Pom     

For further reading, you may enjoy Nice Girls Don't Get Raises which offers up another explanation for the gender pay gap, as well Gender Stereotypes and the Double Binds for Women in Leadership, which explains 'professional women are generally considered ill-equipped to handle jobs traditionally held by men AND we typically induce disapproval and social penalties when we are successful in these positions'.

P.S.  Thanks to Stacey Petrey for forwarding me the Washington Post article.

Celebrating Our Woman-ness

I wonder if you will see these two poems in opposition to one another, or as two sides of the same coin.

After you read them, will you share your thoughts?

***  

The final (and my favorite) song in Macy Robison's cabaret-style recital Children Will Listen is The Story Goes On by Maltby and Shire.  Her rendition gives utterance to the raw joy that I felt as I welcomed children into my world. 

So this is the tale my mother told me
That tale that was much to dull to hold me
And this is the surge and the rush she said would show
our story goes on.

Oh, I was young
I forgot that things outlive me.
My goal was the kick that life would give me
And now, like a joke,
something moves to let me know
our story goes on.

And all these things I feel and more, 
my mother's mother felt, and hers before
A chain of life begun upon the shore of some dark sea
has reached to me.

Source:  istockphoto

And now I can see the chain extending
My child is next in a line that has no ending
And here am I full of life 
that her child will feel when I'm long gone
And thus it is 
our story goes on.

***

During the Resolutionary Challenge, Janna Taylor shared Mary Oliver's poem The Journey with all of the resolutionaries, reminding that in the midst of caring and connecting -- and especially mothering -- it's important to care for and connect to ourselves.

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.

Source:  istockphoto

But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save. 

***

The article 5 Scientific Reasons Mom Deserves Mother's Day is both interesting and affirming.  Is it affirming in part because it was written by a male scientist? (Thanks to @guykawasaki for flagging).

What do you think?  And how do you feel?

Are women both/and?  Or either/or?

Enchanted anger

Were you surprised by the title of the above article?

Me neither.

We girls learn from a very young age that we shouldn't get angry.

But is it anger that we shouldn't do?

Or rage?

Rage is yelling at our child, maybe even hitting him, when he spills juice on a brand new carpet we can't afford to replace.

Rage is a mother sabotaging her daughter's attempts at life and love when she sees her daughter having opportunities the mother either didn't have, or gave up.

If we have reached the point of rage, but have managed to hold it in (because nice girls don't get angry), we just might be depressed: depression is rage turned inward.

Rage is about losing control, when we say things and do things that we will long regret.

So, rage is definitely out.

But anger?

Oh yes -- definitely in.

Anger tells us something is amiss, that something or someone (possibly our selves) needs to be attended to, that a boundary has been crossed.

Courtesy: istockphoto

Anger is locking ourself in the closet, calling our closest friend, and sobbing about the juice spill, knowing that our 2 year-old is safe because he is banging on the door as we speak.

Anger is recognizing that in any choice made there are trade-offs. That we may be angry with our daughter not because of her but because we have become so Martha-like, we've forgotten that we get to be Martha AND Mary.

When we acknowledge our anger, rage never happens.

There is a wonderful lesson about anger in the film Enchanted.

Innocent Princess Giselle is back-and-forthing with Patrick Dempsey's cynicism and the words, 'You....you....make me so angry', spill out. With this utterance, Princess Giselle has defined a boundary for her self, thus undergoing a rite of passage necessary to becoming more of who she is.

Has your anger recently helped you identify a boundary you didn't know you had?

When we become angry, are we not saying 'no', as Psyche was required to do in her 4th task?

The next time you become angry, will you pause and be grateful for the information your anger is giving you: about what matters to you, about how you want your life to unfold?

When we attend to the anger, what Giselle-like thing can happen in our life?

P.S. If you'd like to read more in praise of anger, there is a powerful essay titled 'Damning the River' in Rachel Naomi Remen's book Kitchen Table Wisdom.

P.P.S. If you ever have something you feel others would find helpful to hear, but tend to be a private person, just send to me your thoughts, and I'll post it as 'Whitney's friend who would like to remain anonymous"...

Related posts:
A down payment on our dream
The Myth of Psyche
Martha and Mary
When we say no
Dreaming or deflecting?

Dreaming or deflecting?

Why, oh why, do I put my ideas in writing?

Well, I know why.

Because, among other things, going 'on record' pushes me to 'walk my talk'.

It is ironic, though, that not less than twenty-four hours after writing Asking for what we want, I read Matt Langdon's post in which he outlined his Hero Workshop accomplishments for 2007 and goals for 2008 (you can either squint or click on the graphic).

My immediate thought was "Good for you Matt". You've set concrete, achievable goals for yourself, goals that will make the world a better place. You've achieved them, and now you are setting more goals.

I considered following Matt's lead and putting my goals for 'dare to dream' on this blog, but immediately quailed. The mere thought of doing what Matt had done made me feel uncomfortable, awkward, embarrassed -- did I say uncomfortable?

Which led me to wonder -- what is GOING on?

Why am I having a such a visceral reaction?

Here's what I've come up with thus far, though more questions, than answers:

1) When we list our accomplishments publicly, aren't we making the decision to acknowledge ourselves, to accept, rather than shun praise?

2) When we state our goals, are we not implicitly, if not explicitly, asking for support?

3) When men 'list and state', how do they feel? How do we respond?

4) What about women? How do we feel? And do we respond as I did to Matt, thinking "Atta boy or girl"? Or do we instead think -- 'she's a bit full of herself, now isn't she?'

I'll confess that even amongst my closest friends it's painful to say 'Look what I did," and so I don't very often. In fact, if you want to see just how masterful most women have become at deflecting (a signal at just how painful the praise is), the next time you are talking with a group of your girlfriends -- ask them to talk about something they (not their husband or children) have done well this past year.

That's right - we probably won't; we will quickly and deftly re-direct the conversation far, far away from us.

The ideal of a feminine woman seems pretty hard-wired.

Does it feel this way to you also?

If this is true, then aren't we in a bit of a double bind?

Related posts:

Asking for what we want
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task
Leah leaves the building
Et tu, Whitney?
NY Times -- Now the News: Couric Still Isn't One of the Boys

Asking for what we want

About a week before Christmas, my daughter Miranda asked me if the two of us could go see The Nutcracker.

She seems to want more mom-daughter time of late. Perhaps because she's getting older, perhaps because she feels 'work time' is displacing 'mom time'. (My friend Stacey has encouraged me me to share the challenges of my recent on-ramping. There are many; one day I'll go into more detail.)

For now, it's enough to know that one of the challenges is -- my children liked having mom around more, and now that I'm around less, they miss me. So I wasn't all that surprised that Miranda suggested a girls' night out.

What did surprise me was her ability to articulate so easily what she wanted. Because -- I just don't know that many women (including myself) who ask for what we want all that well.

Think about it.

When was the last time that a woman you know (or you yourself) asked simply and directly for something?

No martyrdom, no manipulation, etc., etc, -- just stated their want (without making it a need) and asked.

That's what I thought.

In Anna Fels' article titled Do Women Lack Ambition?, she writes that our cultural ideals of femininity do not include women asking for resources, whether those resources involve time, money, praise. If we do ask, we feel selfish, and others are likely to believe us to be selfish as well.

This Christmas there were many lovely gifts given and received (including my Blackberry Curve), but taking Miranda to see The Nutcracker (as my mother did me), and hearing her ask for this outing, without even a nanosecond's worry that she would be jeopardizing her femininity, was without a doubt, among the best gifts.

When was the last time that you were direct about what you wanted? For example, just today, when I wanted something I'd left in the car, instead of asking my husband, "Will you go out to the car and get me x", I said "Are you going out to the car?"

Do you know an adult woman who ask for what she wants -- and gets it? What can we learn from her?

What can we do to encourage our daughters to continue asking, and believing they'll receive?

P.S. Is this one happy girl or what?

Related posts:

Rachel vs. Leah: reclaiming the power to dream
Throw down your pom-poms
Psyche's 3rd Task: Fill the Flask
NY Times article: For Girls, It's Be Yourself...
Psyche and choice

Getting gratitude

I have not been able to get Anna Kerr's comment that "we are desperate and depressed because our society encourages us to be dissatisfied" off my mind.

It was a reminder that we need to not only look up and ahead, but down and back, and that as we dare and dream, and then 'get', if we aren't grateful for 'what we get', we'll still be desperate and depressed.

With a nod and big thank you to Anna, here's a list of things (and their respective categories) that I am grateful for:

1) God's grace -- God's grace is something we don't deserve, but are given anyway, unfettered and unconditionally. For me, it is the fall foliage in New England. It is glorious to behold.

What providential gift, or gift of grace, are you grateful for?

2) Gift of another's self -- This is a gift that comes when people play to their strengths and give us something we very much need or want, but can't give to ourselves. Because it is generously given, it is systergy at its purest, but certainly not the exclusive domain of women, as my friend Aaron demonstrated this past week.

LaNola Kathleen Stone is a superb example of this 'gift of self'. Kathleen has taken our family's Christmas pictures since Miranda was a baby. Because she is willing to play to her specific strengths and intelligences, every year Kathleen sees magnificence in my children that I certainly couldn't, and dare I say, few photographers could, as seen below.

What gift of another's self are you grateful for?

3) What I'm good at -- This will likely be the hardest one to come up with as it requires us to do precisely what Anna Fels' research and the Bem Sex Role Inventory indicate that feminine women don't do -- pull attention toward ourselves. Even after months of 'soapboxing' about this, I would have readily deflected had my friends Brooke and Stacey not gently encouraged me to stiffen my spine. And so.... I'm grateful that I am good at coming up with an idea or vision for a project AND that I can then execute against my vision; take Know Your Neighbor, for instance.

What are you grateful to be good at? What are your strengths? Is there a way that your 'good at' can be given as a gift of your self?

4) Simple pleasures -- This is something that makes us happy. Period. Like listening to Earth, Wind and Fire's Can't Hide Love. I loved this song as a 16 year-old. And I still love it. Every time I hear that magnificent horn introduction on my iPod, I am happy. A simple pleasure.

What simple pleasure are you grateful for?

P.S. Just this morning there was a terrific article in the NY Times titled Let us give thanks. In writing., and includes a quote from Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project.

Why we are skeptical of Hillary Clinton

When I read Katharine Seelye's NY Times article titled, Women Supportive of Clinton, But Skeptical, I found myself wondering....

Why?

Why do so many want to want to vote for Hillary Clinton, but won't?

Is it a question of competence?

Most would agree she's quite capable. So -- No.

Is it because we don't agree with her politics?

Within a few seconds, I rattled off the names of several women for whom I would vote despite our differing political views. So again -- No.

If it's neither a question of competence, nor of political views, then why are we skeptical?

1) We don't identify with Senator Clinton's hero's journey -- As with Katie Couric, there's an archetypal mismatch, though for an entirely different reason.

While we don't doubt that Senator Clinton can successfully take on Psyche's four overwhelmingly difficult tasks, it feels like she's taking on the adventure for herself, not for us. That she's ready and willing to do some genuine head-butting, rather than to wait and pick up the fleece off the fence once the rams have gone home. In other words, she seems to want power, not for us, but for her. That's not the female hero's journey that resonates with us, so we can't quite get comfortable.

Ok, she's not perfect, but isn't there a double standard here?

Absolutely.

Most of us feel quite comfortable if men are ambitious and even a little bit 'naughty' -- after all, 'boys will be boys' (remember Arnold Schwarzenegger smoking his cigar in the tent near his office), but with women....

2) We want a fairy godmother -- The Princess Diaries, provides a great look at this archetype. The film stars Julie Andrews as Queen Clarisse (for anyone over the age of 40, she is the practically perfect fairy godmother Mary Poppins) preparing her granddaughter Princess Mia, played by Anne Hathaway, to ascend to the throne of the imaginary kingdom Genovia.

Princess Mia is qualified to be a princess because she's "bright, sensitive and caring," says Queen Clarisse. (Imagine Senator Clinton, let alone the male presidential candidates, described as such!) Further reinforcing the fairy godmother archetype, Queen Clarisse sings to Princess Mia:

When they tell your story,
They'll call your heart of gold your crowning glory,
The most glorious part of you

In other words, inscribed in our minds and in our hearts, is the view that a woman who leads us must be smart and capable, and most especially good and kind.

That her hero's journey, no matter how difficult, is ultimately undertaken on our behalf.

And that whether Princess Mia, Mary Poppins, or Psyche -- she'll be our fairy godmother.

If you are comfortable with Hillary Clinton, what are your thoughts on archetypes? Is there one that fits?

There was an interesting article in the Australian papers not too long ago titled When one man's ambition is another woman's evil curse, comparing and contrasting how people respond to ambition in women versus men.

Given how beloved Bill Clinton is, and what I understand to be an uncanny ability to make people feel that it is all about them, could he be the key to her winning?

What are your thoughts on other presidential candidates? Which archetypes are working for or against them?

P.S. Maureen Dowd of the New York Times published an Op-Ed piece (Oct 31 2007) titled Hilary La Francaise, Cherchez la Femme? which certainly underscores the comments (see below) made by Margaret Busse and Elizabeth Harmer-Dionne. Also interesting to read Ms. Dowd's comment, "Maybe the qualities that many find off-putting in Hillary — her opportunism, her triangulation, her ethical corner-cutting, her shifting convictions from pro-war to anti-war, her secrecy, her ruthlessness — are the same ones that make people willing to vote for a woman." May this not be true.

Several weeks ago, my friend Lorna shared with me that while still in her early 20's, she bought her dream car, a red Corvette.

Her dad helped her finance the purchase, but I was surprised nonetheless.

Though I've "wanted" a Porsche Carrera for over 20 years, I've never really been serious about buying one. I've never even test-driven one, unless you count the time I drove around the block of the car dealership several times before losing my nerve.

You may be thinking, of course you didn't buy it -- Porsches are a luxury car and they aren't exactly kid-friendly.

But, you know what?

There were several years of Wall Street bonuses, and no children until my mid-30s.

And I didn't buy one.

I wonder why.

Lorna offhandedly said something which I think is quite important.

"I looked really good then."

There are many possible takeaways from her comment, and by the way, she continues to look fabulous, actually more fabulous now, because of who she is.

But my key takeaway was this.

Lorna bought a Corvette.

Because Lorna believed she deserved to own a Corvette.

Because Lorna (as did her father) believed she was Rachel.

For some, not all, no matter how successful we become, we occasionally have to remind ourselves that Leah needs to take a backseat.

When I buy my next car, will I buy a Porsche?

I don't yet know, but if Rachel has her way, I will.

Can you think of something that you really, really wanted to do, try or buy, and you did? How did you feel?

Is there something you want to do today that you haven't done? Why?

According to the Bem Sex-Role Inventory, a woman is considered feminine only when she is providing resources (time, money, praise) to someone else. How does this societal belief influence your decisions?

To what extent are we gatekeepers for our children's dreams? What would we need to do to fling open the gate?

Of Corvettes and Porsches

Several weeks ago, my friend Lorna shared with me that while still in her early 20's, she bought her dream car, a red Corvette.

Her dad helped her finance the purchase, but I was surprised nonetheless.

Though I've "wanted" a Porsche Carrera for over 20 years, I've never really been serious about buying one. I've never even test-driven one, unless you count the time I drove around the block of the car dealership several times before losing my nerve.

You may be thinking, of course you didn't buy it -- Porsches are a luxury car and they aren't exactly kid-friendly.

But, you know what?

There were several years of Wall Street bonuses, and no children until my mid-30s.

And I didn't buy one.

I wonder why.

Lorna offhandedly said something which I think is quite important.

"I looked really good then."

There are many possible takeaways from her comment, and by the way, she continues to look fabulous, actually more fabulous now, because of who she is.

But my key takeaway was this.

Lorna bought a Corvette.

Because Lorna believed she deserved to own a Corvette.

Because Lorna (as did her father) believed she was Rachel.

For some, not all, no matter how successful we become, we occasionally have to remind ourselves that Leah needs to take a backseat.

When I buy my next car, will I buy a Porsche?

I don't yet know, but if Rachel has her way, I will.

Can you think of something that you really, really wanted to do, try or buy, and you did? How did you feel?

Is there something you want to do today that you haven't done? Why?

According to the Bem Sex-Role Inventory, a woman is considered feminine only when she is providing resources (time, money, praise) to someone else. How does this societal belief influence your decisions?

To what extent are we gatekeepers for our children's dreams? What would we need to do to fling open the gate?