dare to dream

HBR Blog: Three Reasons You Shouldn't Delegate

Here's my latest HBR post.

We typically thing of delegating as good, but there are times when it isn't. 

What are your thoughts?

Do you know someone who delegates well?  Maybe you?

How did you learn?

 

So this is the hero's journey?

In his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell writes that the first element of The Hero's Journey is the Call to Adventure:  the call comes from a crisis the hero must choose to face or run from.

I don't know about you, but when I hear Call to Adventure, I think of a task that involves swash-buckling and dragon-slaying.   Perhaps Psyche had similar thoughts as she embarked on her hero's journey, a journey that would require Psyche to complete four tasks in order to be united with her beloved Eros.

Imagine her surprise when she learned her first task was to sort a huge jumble of corn, barley and poppy seeds into separate piles.

Psyche you are going on a journey; you are going to get Eros back.

Ready, Set...

Sort the seeds.

Source:  istockphoto

Was there a point to this?  Or was the task simply meant to demean and humiliate her?

What of bravery and derring-do?

At face value, the task does seem pointless.

But as Psyche completed this task, she no doubt came to understand that knowing how to sift through priorities, to delegate to and trust the ants of her intuition, would hold her in good stead as she completed the remaining three tasks.

Practicing making choices around seemingly mundane priorities may not feel like the ideal way to start our hero's journey, to dare to dream, but the more I consider Psyche's journey, and my own, I'm beginning to think it's the best way.

What are your thoughts?

For those of you who have dreamed of being a mother and rearing happy children, how did that journey begin?  With your children going off to college?  Or lots of twenty-four hour care, changing diapers and sleepless nights?

Or what of launching a career?  Are you immediately calling the shots, moving things forward?  Or doing lots of grunt work and working long hours?

Making and Owning Our Choices

The following post is dedicated to my daughter Miranda on her 9th birthday.

***
On my daughter's 8th birthday she was baptized into our church.  It was a wonderful day for our family, a milestone within our family's religious tradition, a day she described "as the most important day of her life thus far".  In addition (and as part of) its religious significance, this day marked Miranda's willingness to make and own her choices.

Miranda is in the center with friends A on the left and E on the right.

Here's some of what I learned as Miranda prepared for this milestone day:

Allowing our children to own their choices makes their dreaming less of a dare
Miranda chose where and when she'd be baptized, who she wanted to baptize and confirm her (dad and Aaron Hutchins), who would speak (Jen Riddle and Kristy Richards), sing (Sara, Emma and Anna), play the piano (me), pray (her brother and Jeff), and what kind of food she wanted (Swedish cake, cherry cake, and cheesecake).  It was also her job to ask the speakers to speak, the singers to sing, etc.

In the myth of Psyche, a story which outlines feminine psychological development, Psyche's first task is to sort the seeds, a task symbolic of learning to make choices and prioritize.  How are our children learning to make choices and prioritize?

In not making obvious choices, our children are likely trusting their intuition
Miranda chose two people to speak that she knew, but they weren't the obvious choices.  The insights of these particular speakers made the day that much more special.  She also asked David to give a prayer.  As he prayed that "whatever scares her will go away", it was a tender moment.  He teases her and she knows he loves her.

As Psyche sorts the seeds, the ants, symbolic of intuition, come to her aid.   When was the last time you, or your children, made a choice that wasn't obvious?  How did it turn out? 

Photo courtesy LaNola Kathleen Stone

Be aware of the (seemingly invisible) hands that help us
Because I spend little time organizing meals, and certainly not for groups of 50 people, I was overwhelmed by the prospect of orchestrating a celebratory party.  Roger (my husband) and Kathy Dunnigan had prepared food, but once we were at the church, the food needed to be served, the kitchen cleaned.  Women such as Rachael, Lisle and Rebecca helped, and helped without my asking.  I was and am grateful, but it would be easy to overlook their contribution to making the day what it was.

As Psyche sorts the seeds, the ants are so small, she could have discounted their role.  What projects are you currently working on for which your contribution could be overlooked?  In turn, who are the ants, nearly overlooked contributors, in your life?

***
What are your religious traditions?  In Penelope Trunk's Brazen Careerist blog she writes All Career Issues are Religious Issues. Maybe.  Assuming you agree with her assertion, how can a faith tradition which involves learning to make and own our choices help us achieve of our dreams?

Any other thoughts?

Guest post: Janna Taylor on 'The Handless Maiden'

About a year ago, Janna Taylor, a Manhattan entrepreneur, told one of her stories in the entry If You Get Defensive, You're Getting Close.  In this post, she shares her thoughts on the myth of The Handless Maiden.  As with the myth of Psyche, The Handless Maiden chronicles feminine psychological development (e.g. she preserves her uniquely feminine nature even as she makes something happen).  Note too that while some tasks along the journey can be delegated, some cannot.

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The The Handless Maiden is a fable first introduced to me through Clarissa Pinkola Estes’ seminal work Women Who Run With the Wolves, a book that explores messages about women’s nature in myths and fables.  This myth, in particular, hearkens to living our dreams even as we belligerently scream, “But, I can’t!”

As the tale begins, a young maiden’s hands have been severed by the devil. After an intense journey of physical and psychological travail, she finds safety and peace, and eventually marries a good, devoted king and births a healthy baby.  But one day, “…the young queen goes to the well. As she bends over to draw water, her child falls into the well. The young queen begins to shriek, and a spirit appears and asks why she does not rescue her child. ‘Because I have no hands!’ she cries. ‘Try,’ says the spirit, and as the maiden puts her arms in the water, reaching toward her child, her hands regenerate then and there, and the child is saved.” 

Source:  istockphoto 

 

Like the handless maiden, we have dream “babies” come along. We birth them amidst trials and challenges, and carry them close to our hearts.  But because of circumstances in or out of our control, sometimes our dreams start to slip away, losing our sense of can-do-it-ness. This happens not only because of the inevitability of distractions, but also by devaluing our dreams by saying they take too much time, attention, sacrifice.

We feel hand-less.

Mercifully and benevolently, however, there is a piece of our self, just like the maiden, who knows we must try.  Try even though it looks impossible. Try even though everyone, including ourselves, thinks we might be crazy and don’t have the skills.

In the process of reaching deep within the well of ourselves to save our dreams, internal and external naysayers notwithstanding, we get back our can-do-it-ness.

We grow the hands. 

As you have plunged your hands deep into your psyche to save your dream, what has grown or even re-grown?

 

Why can this task not be delegated?

 

Source:  istockphoto

 

*** 

  P.S. from Whitney -- I find the focus on hands especially poignant, perhaps because I am a pianist by training.  I was also intrigued by Gerald and Lindsay Saltzman's commentary in Marketing Metaphoria.  They write, "everyday conversation is rife with expressions that equate hands with the deep metaphor of connection...'Lend me a hand', to ask someone for help.  'Taking someone's hand in marriage' connects us to a social institution as well as a highly personal commitment...Hands create art, movies, clothing, books, houses, and so.  We value handmade crafts because of their connection to the jeweler, weaver, potter...bestowing handmade gifts is 'like giving a part of [our]selves to another." 

 

A 21st Century Country Bunny

I recently re-discovered The Country Bunny and The Little Gold Shoes, a book my friend Kathleen introduced to me several years ago. 

The Country Bunny illustrates the feminine hero's journey: we observe the protagonist learning to prioritize, delegate, say no, and to get things done. 

I'll comment on just a few phrases:

1)  "Some day I shall grow up to be an Easter Bunny: -- you wait and see!"

All little girls have an 'I'dentity -- they know they are the archetypal Rachel.  But then many of us forget. The Country Bunny doesn't. 

Photo courtesy:   The Little Red Hen

2)  "By and by she had a husband and then one day...there were twenty-one Cottontail babies to take care of."

Do you recall that Psyche's 1st Task, the prototypical story of feminine psychological development, is to Sort the Seeds.  To become the hero of her story, the Country Bunny must (as must we) learn to sort through the seeds of possibilities in the face of conflicting feelings and competing loyalties.  She wanted to be the Easter Bunny and to marry and to have bunnies.  We make choices, and then we get to honor our choices.

3)  "And one day, when her children stopped being babies and were little girl and boy bunnies, she called them to her and said, "Now we are going to have some fun."

Psyche's 3rd Task is to Fill the Flask during which she learns to delegate and to achieve goals against tough odds.  We too must learn to delegate, whether at home or in the workplace if we are to become the hero of our story. 

Psyche's 4th Task is to Obtain a Box of Beauty Ointment, which requires her to learn to say no.  In delegating to our children, our spouses, to those who work for us, it may feel like we are saying 'no' to them (so that we can say selfishly 'yes' to our selves), but aren't we really saying 'yes' to those in our tutelage when we delegate?  

Look at how competent and capable the Country Bunny's children are!  And what CEO wouldn't want her/his corporation to run as smoothly as does Country Bunny Inc?  

Photo courtesy:  The Little Red Hen

4)  "You have proved yourself to be not only wise and kind, and swift, but also very clever.  Come to the Palace tomorrow afternoon, and you shall be my fifth Easter Bunny."

Psyche's task of Gathering the Fleece teaches her to gets things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others.   She is innately wise and kind (deeply connected to those she loves) AND she is swift and clever (connected to her self).   

If we are already swift and clever, have we learned to be wise and kind (I digress for this is probably the masculine journey...)?

SOOO...to those of you who are wise and kind, and the ones of you I know -- indeed are!  Are you also becoming swift and clever?

Learning to connect to others and to self - to honor 'you' and 'I'.

Both/and.

Yes and no.

This is our hero's journey.

I am so happy to have re-discovered this book.

Will you go and buy it -- and share with us your insights?

When our loved ones ask 'what about me?'

When a would-be 'dare to dreamgirl' eagerly shared with her husband an entrepreneurial idea, his response was:

What about our household?  Our children?  I suspect he was also thinking what about me?

The myth of Psyche, a story that helps us understand feminine psychological development, may have been helpful here, as Psyche would not have undertaken her hero's journey had it not been for the sake of a relationship.  Meaning, consensus suggests women can't attend to their relationships and their identity:  the Psyche myth suggests otherwise.

Let's look at the first question:

1)  What about our home?

As we pursue a dream, will there be specific tasks that we currently do that won't get done (e.g. will chaos ensue?) 

Do you remember the ants that help with Psyche's first task?  The ants illustrate the importance of intuition and of delegation as we sort and sift through priorities.  Specifically, as we plan out how to get our dream done, let's inventory which of the tasks that mom currently does that can be delegated to our children. Our husband. To outside help.

Lest you worry that by delegating these jobs, you will no longer have a real place within your family, think again.  It's simply not true. 

And remember -- just as the ants sorted the seeds one-by-one, we can delegate one task, one simple task, see what happens, then delegate another.

Sort, sift, sort some more. 

Source:  istockphoto

2)  What about our relationships?

Psyche's 3rd Task, which involves filling the flask, or achieving a goal against tough odds, also illustrates the importance of delegation.  This time she delegates to Zeus' eagle.  I can't help but think that the eagle is representative of the men in our lives.  There are things that we can learn from them, not to mention our children, that will help us accomplish our goals. 

Source:  istockphoto

3)  What about the times when our journey requires we go it alone?

Psyche's 4th Task requires she journey alone to retrieve a box of beauty ointment. As she travels she must say no (word of protection) to those seeking help so she can say yes (word of connection) to her relationships. With any dream, there are moments when we must figuratively, if not literally, go it alone.

Which circles us back to our loved ones underlying query -- 'What about me?'

For Psyche's 2nd Task, gathering the fleece, that's the easy part. The trick is to gather without engaging in head-butting, thus losing her innate sense of caring and connectedness.  This is not an easy one for me.  It has been and continues to be easy to become so intent on gathering the fleece, and wanting to be good at that gathering, that I (we) can forget why we are gathering in the first place. 

Source:  istockphoto

In Orson Card's book The Call of Earth, there's a character named Hushith.  As a raveler, Hushith "lives in the constant awareness of all the connections and relationships among the people around her. Having a web-sense is naturally the most important thing in her life, as she watches people connect and detach from each other, forming communities and dissolving them."

So here's what I wonder.

Do any of us really begrudge our loved ones living their dream, fleece gathering as it were, so long as our relationships are strengthened, and the fleece they gather is spun into wool that binds them to us? 

Samuel Johnson said, "the ultimate result of all ambition is to be happy at home."

So true.

Source:  Etsy -- Swallowfield

As you have the floated an idea, have you encountered resistance from your loved ones?

Is it possible that the resistance is less about their confidence in your ability to pursue the dream, and more about their concern that you will go away?  I must say I often wonder what happens on What not to Wear after the makeover.  How do the relationships shift?

If you aren't willing to delegate, why?  Are you worried about your loss of place?  Or identity?

In what ways can we involve our children, our husbands and the men in our life in the pursuit of our dream?

If the connections between and among people were visible, what would people see? Who would we be connected to?  Five years ago?  Five years hence?

Living the dream. Life's a breeze. Not.

During a particularly challenging week at work, I happened upon an article by Robert S. Kaplan titled Reaching your Potential which offered up the teaser, "maybe you feel frustrated with your career--convinced you should be achieving more. You may even wish you had chosen a different career altogether."

I was definitely frustrated, and even discouraged, but did I wish I had chosen a different path?

Not really.

As I reflected on Kaplan's article, I realized that I'm right where I want to be.

In sharing this insight with one of my friends, she kindly, but pointedly asked,

"Did you really think that living your dream isn't challenging, discouraging, and difficult?"

To which I sheepishly replied, "No."

The truth is there's a pretty large shred of me which believes that in living my dream, life will be breezy.

This isn't, and can't be, true -- am I the only one who wants it to be?

Do you remember Psyche's 3rd task?

The task that requires her to fill a flask with water from a raging river alongside a craggy cliff, a task which is a metaphor for our learning to accomplish goals against inevitable distractions and tough odds.

This image is copyrighted by Mallika Sundaramurthy and Whitney Johnson, 2008.

Would it be accurate to say that Psyche didn't choose to be on the hero's journey? That she wasn't precisely where she wanted and needed to be? That she didn't want to accomplish her goal?

No, no and no.

But it was difficult.

It is for us too.

After one of your tough days, do you find yourself wondering if you really are living your dream? If you're not -- then that is another conversation. If you are, do you ask why things aren't easier? Why do you think we believe this?

Did you notice how Psyche delegated the task of filling the flask to the eagle? As we are dreaming, whether our dream involves full-time mothering, full-time careering, or some amalgam of the two, what tasks can we delegate?

If you were to interview dare to dreamgirl Dana King, who recently started designHop clubs, and has been featured in St. Louis Magazine, will she tell you she is happily living out her dream? Absolutely. Will she tell you it's easy? I'll let you ask her.

Or if you were to interview Rebecca Nielsen, the mother of young twin daughters, who recently wrote about Rightsizing our dream, what will she say? Easy? Hard? Both?

Related posts:
The Myth of Psyche
Psyche's 3rd Task
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
dare to dreamgirl: Dana King
Sucker punch

Will kirtsy please take a bow?

Within days of writing about Rick Riordan's Golden Fleece, I heard from Gabrielle, one of sk*rt's founders (aka Design Mom), that sk*rt could be sued for alleged trademark infringement, and would need to spend a lot of money on a legal battle royale, or change their name.

In Gabrielle's words:

Last September, Skirt! Magazine (a free monthly newspaper in the SouthEast) switched their domain name from skirtmag.com to skirt.com. Months and months after we’d already launched. And now that they’re at skirt.com, they feel our twinner domain names are too similar. So they sued us in December. And we won. But they keep the lawsuit threats coming anyway. So, we have decided to change our name and move on. Why fight an enormous corporation with deep pockets and a penchant for sueing tiny companies? And. We don’t believe in skirts fighting. The end.

So this past week, sk*rt changed its name to kirtsy, and the process by which it was done has been remarkably systergistic.

Quoting again from Gabrielle:

[kirtsy is] a name that many many many voted for. A name whose solid domain we own. A name that won all legal obstacle courses with flying colors. A name that contains the letters of our beloved sk*rt and its sk*rty adjectival format. A name that means giving greeting, nods, props and respect to something. A name that we now know as kirtsy.

Having recently met kirtsy's Gabrielle, Laura and Laurie, I wasn't at all surprised by the approach they've taken.

I was nonetheless impressed by their textbook 'fleece gathering', the second of Psyche's four tasks.

As Psyche embarks on her journey to really grow up, her second task requires that she gather fleece, fleece that has the power to heal. And yet to obtain the fleece she must wait until sundown when the rams disperse so as to safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles, else she will be crushed by the head-butting rams.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

The kirtsy ladies could could have engaged in head-butting, and in fact were encouraged to, but instead chose to gather the fleece from the brambles, to get things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others. 

Which is why I can't help but kirtsy to you -- Gabrielle, Laura and Laurie.

Won't you please take a bow?

If you have a blog, or website, have you properly trademarked the name? If you need me to refer you to someone that can do this for you, e-mail me and I'll give you some names.

Did you notice that notwithstanding their getting the name trademarked, etc, even so there was a lawsuit. One of the hazards of getting in the game perhaps?

What can we learn about how the kirtsy founders went about choosing a new name? Did you notice how in involving the community, they gave us an opportunity to rally, to experience systergy?

What else is there to learn from the kirtsy -- aka Psyche -- way of doing business?

P.S. For more on the importance of -- and how to - on trademarking, see Green and Clean Mom's post on this topic.

Related posts:
Rick Riordan's 'Golden Fleece'
Myth of Psyche
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task
The hazards of 'getting in the game'
Site I like: kirtsy (formerly known as sk*rt)

When we say no

I say No, No, No No, No, No--until I see one [an investment] that is exactly what I am looking for.  And then I say Yes.  All I have to do is say Yes a few times in my life and I've made my fortune.We say no a thousand times before we can yes.  Warren Buffett

When we say 'no', what are we saying 'yes 'to?

As a parent, when we say 'no' to TV before our children play outside, aren't we saying 'yes' to their physical and emotional health?

As a student, when we say 'no' to the internship that is handily ours so as to seek out one that isn't,  aren't we saying 'yes' to discovering new skills so as to be even better prepared for the job market?

If I'm Paula Abdul and I say 'no' I didn't like that number, am I not saying 'yes' to my words meaning something?

When we say 'no' to heading up another committee at school because we are tapped out, aren't we saying 'yes' to our children and spouse, our self?

If I'm Katie Couric, if I had said 'no' I won't take the CBS Evening News gig, wouldn't she have been saying 'yes' to my brand, 'yes' to why people hire me, 'yes' to keeping my career on track?   (I confess, however, in response to Stacey P's comment on that post, had I been there, I don't know that I would have done it differently).

What about the entrepreneurs over at sk*rt who have others begging to give them money (with lots of strings attached)?  When they say 'no', aren't they saying 'yes' to more risk, but more importantly to themselves, their vision?

Photo courtesy of Andrea Heimer, whose 'Yes' painting I recently purchased and love

When we say 'no' to living out the dreams that others (parents, spouse, friends, children) have for us, aren't we saying 'yes' to the vision we have for our self?  Or at least to figuring out what vision we have for our self?

When we say 'no', we have said 'yes' to something else -- an emphatic, meaningful 'yes.'   

In learning to say 'no', we are indeed learning to say 'yes', not only 'yes' to others, but 'yes' to our selves.

To prioritize.
To discern.
To choose.
To be wise.

There's always a 'yes' on the other side of the 'no' -- who and what are we saying 'yes' to?

How are we saying yes to our self?

Over the next few hours, every time you say 'no', will you think about what you are saying 'yes' to?

P.S.  Thank you to Peggy D for inspiring this post.

Related posts:
Morning sickness metaphor
A down payment on our dream
Learning to say no
Psyche and choice
Words to dream by:   Anne Morrow Lindbergh
   

Rick Riordan's 'Golden Fleece'

In Rick Riordan's book The Sea of Monsters, the second in a series of children's novels loosely based on ancient Greek mythology, the magical tree that guards Camp Half-Blood has been poisoned.  Perseus (Percy) Jackson, a half-blood son of Poseidon, and Annabeth, half-blood daughter of Athena, have only days to find the Golden Fleece, the one magical item, that will heal the tree before Camp Half-Blood is overrun by monsters. 

After the Golden Ram was sacrificed, the Golden Fleece hung on a tree in the middle of the kingdom. Riordan's character Annabeth explains, "The Fleece brought prosperity to the land. Animals stopped getting sick. Plants grew better. Farmers had bumper crops. Plagues never visited. That's why Jason wanted the Fleece. It can revitalize any land where it's placed. It cures sickness, strengthens nature, clean up pollution...."

It's striking that as Psyche continues her journey to really grow up (aka her hero's journey), her second task requires that she gather fleece, fleece that has the power to heal. And yet to obtain the fleece she must wait until sundown when the rams disperse, so as to safely pick strands of fleece off the brambles.

Psyche’s ability to acquire the golden fleece without being crushed is a metaphor for every woman’s task of gaining power without losing her innate sense of connectedness and compassion.

The Fleece thus symbolizes the power to get things done in a way that gives life to and revitalizes others. 

In the How Star Women Build Portable Skills post, Stacey P observed that we need to beware the steam-rolling, head-butting approach. Should we go down this path, we are likely to get crushed.  Worse yet, in our effort to get the fleece in order to make a difference, we may ultimately get fleeced (aka become corrupted) by what we did to get there. 

When we decide we are ready to go on our own hero's journey, are we able to do so without upending relationships (e.g. butting heads) with our loved ones? Is it possible to get something done for ourselves, even as we give life to others, whether children, husband, friends?

Related posts:

Psyche's 2nd Task:  Obtain golden fleece
Second Thoughts on Psyche's 2nd Task
Doorsteps, doors and dreams
The Galadriel Test