dare to dream

The Optimist Challenge

Everything was going my way last Thursday until one of my shortcomings punched me in the stomach.

How I wish I could recover from these blows easily.  But I can't quite.  Ask me in that moment to list ten things that went well just prior.  I can do it, but the punch to the gut still eclipses the ten good.  Living in anticipation of that one bad thing has resulted in my being a near-term pessimist. Optimists are hopeful about future outcomes.  Underlying that hope is that there will be enough.  Enough resources, whether money, praise, recognition.  And the truth is, I don't believe there will be enough, at least as resolutely or frequently as I'd like.  Sure, over the long-term I believe everything will work out.  But in the very short-term, I tend to see the glass as half empty. 

What I do believe, however, is that we can rewire how we view the world.

Perhaps that is why Tony Schwartz' article How I Became an Optimist resonated so strongly. In his blog post, he tells of when his business partner with whom he had just co-authored a bestseller, announced he was ready to move on.  Taken aback, and given his pessmistic bent, Schwartz was inclined to wallow in his misfortune.  With a young family to support, however, he had to decide if he could see the glass as half-full.

 
Source: stockphoto

Having decided that he would become an optimist, every day for several months, Schwartz did the following:

1. Wake up and write down what he was worrying about -- just the facts.
2. Write down the story he was telling himself about the facts.
3. Work to write the most conceivably optimistic story he could tell himself based on the same incontrovertible facts.

"A fact is irrefutable," Schwartz writes.  "It can be objectively verified by any person.  A story is something we weave to make sense of the facts.  We are meaning making creatures.  We seek to understand."

I've decided I'm going to do this too.

Every day for one month; I'll report back during Memorial Day Weekend.

Are you an optimist?  Long-term?  Near-term?

How does learning near-term optimism help you move toward your dreams?

In Kare Anderson's post Say It So You Lift Your Spirits she suggests that when we tell stories about our lives, we notice those incidents that are anchored with negative emotions, and then try to reframe them by searching for the redemptive details.

You may also enjoy Why Your Negative Outlook is Killing Your Career.  It applies not just to a career, but to life.  Take note of the first suggestion. 

Olivia Pierce: Silver Linings

On the Simple Mom blog, guest blogger Corey Allan recently wrote a piece titled How to Live a Better Story (thanks to Janika Dillon for flagging).  Allan starts his post with, "One of the many pitfalls that lead to a monotonous life is the failure to discover the story you’re living within. In other words, "If your life were a movie, would you want to go see it?” 

He continues, "according to the guru of story Robert McKee, there are three elements that must be present in order for a story to be good.

1. There has to be a main character you care about.
2. There has to be some sort of conflict.
3. There has to be a climactic ending."

***

A movie I want to see is the life of 12 year-old Olivia Pierce.

On Silver Linings, a blog co-authored by Olivia, and her mother Michele Pierce, they write:

Olivia is a happy, healthy 12-year-old who, in the spring of 2010, was looking forward to her upcoming ballet recital and 6th grade graduation from Summit Montessori.  In mid-April, shortly before a trip to Tokyo, she started to complain about an on-and-off pain in her leg. A visit to the pediatrician suggested Osgood-Schlatter’s Disease, a common overuse injury in adolescents. Olivia took it easy on her leg and went on to perform beautifully in her spring ballet recital. A few weeks later she developed a bump on her shin, and two days before her graduation, X-rays and an MRI showed a tumor that was later confirmed as osteosarcoma.

Michele and Olivia have started Silver Linings to chronicle Olivia's story, to make meaning of her life.  I'm going to click through, and leave a comment, letting Olivia know I'm watching her movie, that I'm rooting for her.

I hope you will too!

***

Any other thoughts?

One way to bring action into our life (and marriage) movie is to ask 'What if?' questions, Allan writes. Olivia and her family don't need to ask this question.  The question showed up, and plopped itself right on their front door.  If that hasn't happened to you, what is your 'What if?' question?

I'll go first. 

Top of mind.  Stream of consciousness. 

What if I really got serious about venture capital, of finding a way to incubate and fund early stage businesses, with an emphasis on those owned by women? 

You? 

The Mirror of Erised

I'd been thinking all week about dreams that can't come true.

No thoughts worth thinking...until I saw my daughter devour yet another Harry Potter book, and with Harry Potter on the brain, I went to bed.

Grapple with a problem, grapple with it some more, and then go to sleep (in others words, let the ants sort the seeds!)

In the morning, the Mirror of Erised, a mirror that "shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts" came to mind; I often have epiphanies in the early morning.

When Professor Dumbledore discovers Harry entranced, he explains why the mirror is so beguiling and therefore dangerous:  "You, who have never known your family, see them standing around you.  Ronald Weasley, who has always been overshadowed by his brothers, sees himself standing alone, the best of all of them.  However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge or truth.  Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible....It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

I suspect that most of us have a desperate desire of our heart, something we even desperately deserve, that we don't have, and can't have... 

...at least in the way we imagine it.

Will you take a moment and think about what your desperate desire is, hold it in your hands, and examine it?

Inside of this something we can't have, there are likely the seeds of a dream that is within reach. 

Harry can't have his parents, but he can be surrounded by people he loves and who love him.  Ron can't be an only child, but he can distinguish himself as he, Harry and Hermione move through their hero's journey.

Have you ever found yourself enthralled by, wasting away in front of the Mirror of Erised?

I have.

I'm also learning to walk away from the mirage, and live my life.

No doubt you are too.

Mother's Day Concert Featuring Macy Robison

You are cordially invited to a Mother's Day concert featuring Macy Robison on May 8 in Weston, MA. 

This will be a cabaret-style performance titled Children will Listen:  Reflections on Mothering, comprised largely of Broadway songs about mothers and mothering, including Just a Housewife from Working and The Hardest Part of Love from Children of Eden by Stephen Schwartz.

Macy Robison is a music educator in Shrewsbury, MA, was a Young Ambassador at Brigham Young University, recently directed the Boston, MA musical Savior of the World and performed in the first casting of that show in Salt Lake during the 2002 Winter Olympics.

Macy first performed Children Will Listen in January at Fusion, a salon-style discussion group to which I belong.  As she sang of her longing for children, grief at the sudden death of her own mother, and joy at the birth of her son, there wasn't a dry eye amongst us.

I can't think of a better way to celebrate Mother's Day than by attending this event with women I love and admire -- I do hope you'll join me! 

P.S.  After the Fusion event, I asked Macy if I might accompany her on May 8.  If you know of my love-hate relationship with music, my asking to participate should give you some sense of how moved I was by Macy's performance.  Her prior accompanists were kind enough to share this privilege with me.  Lots of practicing to do -- but I can't wait!

P.P.S.  Those of you that are Resolutionary Challenge alums, don't forget that I will be hosting a luncheon May 8 at noon at Henrietta's Table in Harvard Square.

Read with Me

The destiny of the world is determined less by the battles that are lost and won than by the stories it loves and believes in.  Harold Goddard

I love books.

I love bookstores.

I love to gift books.

I love to read.

By myself.

And especially with my children.

 

I eagerly read The Amaranth Enchantment to my daughter Miranda.  It was especially fun to brainstorm with her around a list of questions for Mother-Daughter book clubs.  When author Julie Berry posts some permutation of what we've written, I'll include the link.  

I was also thrilled when my son David finally started reading Ender's Game, a book that has long been a favorite of my husband's and of mine.   It took some 'righteous bribery' to get David to read the book (e.g. you can't play your video game until we've read a chapter together).  But he finally started, and once he started, he didn't stop; a week later, he's on the second read-through. 

There aren't many things that I LOVE, WANT to do with my children...

But when it comes to reading, my children aren't doing the asking, I am.

 
Courtesy:  Sarah Jane Studios

Why I love books and reading -- and what this all has to do with 'dare to dream', I'm not yet sure.

When I figure it out, I'll let you know.

In the meantime, perhaps there are clues in the question a reporter recently asked me.  It was --  'Why are so many Mormon women writing Young Adult fiction?'

Here are some answers, all with slightly different takes.

1. Faith and good works
2. The fantastic world of the Mormon Mom
3. Mormon mompreneurs make their mark in literature and beyond

Here's mine.

Mormon women writing YA Lit is at the confluence of several cultural dynamics:  love of learning, an emphasis on stay-at-home mom-ing, and a desire for self-expression, but in snatches.

Love of learning
In our canon of scriptures there’s a verse (Doctrine & Covenants 93:36) which reads “The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.”   This verse is not only oft-quoted, it is embraced.   It has been said that Mormonism is one of the few religions for which religiosity and education are positively, rather than negatively, correlated.  More recently, church leader President Hinckley said, “Get all the education you can.”  From a very young age, we are taught to love and seek out learning.

Emphasis on Stay-At-Hom Mom-ming
Parenting is important to us.  We view God as our Father, which is why you will so often hear Mormons refer to God, not as God, but as Heavenly Father especially when we pray, at least that is how I refer to Him.  We place an especially high priority on mothering, on rearing and nurturing children, and doing so as stay-at-home moms.

Because nearly all parents want their children to believe what they believe, to love what they love, many Mormon mothers instinctively gravitate toward children’s books that clearly delineate between right and wrong.  One of my happiest childhood memories is of my mother reading to me.  My best-loved books are, in retrospect, those with a strong moral bent.  They include A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L’Engle and The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, books which I’ve read to my own children.

Self-expression in snatches
Many Mormon women have interests, hobbies, and an ambition to build or create something.   Money isn’t necessarily a constraint, but time is.   Whatever form self-expression takes, it has to happen during discretionary time - when the kids are napping, sleeping – at school.

Do you enjoy reading to your children?  What have you loved reading to them?

For those of you that participated in the Resolutionary Challenge, did you notice that when books came up, we couldn't stop talking?

Why do you think Mormon women are writing YA literature?

Related posts:

1. Stories we love and live by
2. Tell your story
3. Asking and answering the big questions
4. Storytellers wanted
5. When our loved ones ask 'what about me?'
   

Looking for the 'I' in the Twilight Series

I just finished Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn which, like the first three novels, I read in less than 24 hours.

But even as I continue to read and buy her books, I find myself increasingly discombobulated.

There are so many things to like.

The deeply romantic 'girl-gets-swept off her feet by two knights in shining armor' plot.

The fact that 'Bella is loved because she exists - not because she does everything right - and deep down this is what we all want -- to be loved for our very existence', as Janna commented in my "Allure of the pom-pom" post (see below); being loved for our very existence should be (I believe is) an inalienable right.

Then there's Bella's relatedness and nurturing and connecting, traits innate to women, which all too often are under appreciated by others, as well as ourselves.

And yet, believing as I do -- in the importance of moving ourselves to the center of our life story, learning to establish priorities, to accomplish goals, to learn to say no -- I've found myself in a surprising love/hate relationship with Meyer's books.

Because as hard as I try, I just can't find the 'I'-dentity.

Whether it's Bella having no interest in an education, to her continual physical danger from which she needs to be rescued, to her inability to set boundaries.

In response to a prior post (see 'An A or F on the Galadriel Test' below) some have noted that Bella and Edward do not engage in pre-marital sex. Which is true. But only because of Edward's unusual self-control.

Even if I set aside the unrealistic world view that there are more than a few men who could resist their beloved throwing herself at him, I am very uncomfortable with the idea of being beholden to another's integrity. Of doing the right thing not because I choose to, but because I happen to be surrounded by others who do.

Some days it would be nice -- I would like to be two again -- but most of the time I really do want to grow up, to embark on the Psyche-like journey of feminine development. I think most of us do.

Being loved is an inalienable right, but exercising choice is too.

Can you recommend any books with female characters that are both/and? Connected like Bella, but also learning to establish priorities, achieve goals, to exercise choice?

My friend Kathleen P just recommended the Sandra Gulland series "The Many Lives & Secret Sorrows of Josephine B."

I've only just begun the book, but maybe.

Any others?

Some of you are going to disagree with me -- some of you are going to wonder why I am spending so much time thinking about this, whatever your thoughts -- I'd love to hear them.

P.S. Sarah Palin was appointed the Republican VP nominee yesterday. Perhaps she's a both/and role model. Too early to really know. But early indications tell me she's someone to watch.

Related posts:
An 'A' or an 'F' on the Galadriel test?
Et tu, Whitney?
The allure of the pom-pom
What I've learned by identifying my heros
Second thoughts on Psyche's 2nd task

Enchanted anger

Were you surprised by the title of the above article?

Me neither.

We girls learn from a very young age that we shouldn't get angry.

But is it anger that we shouldn't do?

Or rage?

Rage is yelling at our child, maybe even hitting him, when he spills juice on a brand new carpet we can't afford to replace.

Rage is a mother sabotaging her daughter's attempts at life and love when she sees her daughter having opportunities the mother either didn't have, or gave up.

If we have reached the point of rage, but have managed to hold it in (because nice girls don't get angry), we just might be depressed: depression is rage turned inward.

Rage is about losing control, when we say things and do things that we will long regret.

So, rage is definitely out.

But anger?

Oh yes -- definitely in.

Anger tells us something is amiss, that something or someone (possibly our selves) needs to be attended to, that a boundary has been crossed.

Courtesy: istockphoto

Anger is locking ourself in the closet, calling our closest friend, and sobbing about the juice spill, knowing that our 2 year-old is safe because he is banging on the door as we speak.

Anger is recognizing that in any choice made there are trade-offs. That we may be angry with our daughter not because of her but because we have become so Martha-like, we've forgotten that we get to be Martha AND Mary.

When we acknowledge our anger, rage never happens.

There is a wonderful lesson about anger in the film Enchanted.

Innocent Princess Giselle is back-and-forthing with Patrick Dempsey's cynicism and the words, 'You....you....make me so angry', spill out. With this utterance, Princess Giselle has defined a boundary for her self, thus undergoing a rite of passage necessary to becoming more of who she is.

Has your anger recently helped you identify a boundary you didn't know you had?

When we become angry, are we not saying 'no', as Psyche was required to do in her 4th task?

The next time you become angry, will you pause and be grateful for the information your anger is giving you: about what matters to you, about how you want your life to unfold?

When we attend to the anger, what Giselle-like thing can happen in our life?

P.S. If you'd like to read more in praise of anger, there is a powerful essay titled 'Damning the River' in Rachel Naomi Remen's book Kitchen Table Wisdom.

P.P.S. If you ever have something you feel others would find helpful to hear, but tend to be a private person, just send to me your thoughts, and I'll post it as 'Whitney's friend who would like to remain anonymous"...

Related posts:
A down payment on our dream
The Myth of Psyche
Martha and Mary
When we say no
Dreaming or deflecting?

Martha and Mary

Do you remember the biblical story of Mary and Martha, the two sisters who host Jesus in their home? Martha focuses on preparing and serving the meal, while Mary sits at His feet, listening and learning.

Do you also remember that when Martha says to her Guest -- Is it really alright that Mary isn't helping me attend to preparing and serving?, and He responds, Yes, for "Mary hath chosen the good part."

Painting by Minerva Teichert

As a study in feminine psychology, I find this story intriguing.

We generally consider women to be feminine within the context of a relationship, or when we are giving something (resources or recognition) to someone else.

And yet, this story -- which is revered, and believed to be true, by billions of Christians -- gives women permission to listen and learn, to find our self. When we consider the historical context (c. 2,000 years ago when women's roles were far more circumscribed), this 'permission' is even more powerful.

Does this mean that women shouldn't care for and nurture others?

Of course not.

But it does suggest that to develop into our full self we need to do both: say Yes to our relationships (be Martha-like), and Yes to our self (be Mary-like).

What we need more of will depend.

Some of us may need to be a bit more Martha-like.

But if my sample set is any indication, most of us could use a little more Mary.

What about you? Do you tend toward Mary or Martha?

Have you noticed that when we learn to marry Martha and Mary, we are completing Psyche's four tasks, the prototypical female hero's journey?

Related posts:
Say yes to you
Play to your strengths
Psyche's 4th Task: Learn to say no
Why I liked Wicked
Rachel and Leah: Reclaiming our power to dream

The hazards of 'Getting in the Game'

"Throw down your pom-poms and get in the game."  A phrase I heard frequently during the late 80's, early 90's while working on Wall Street.

In one of my very first posts (see below), I boldly implored women to throw down our pom-poms, get in the game, our game, and be the hero of our story.

Photo courtesy of john carleton @ istockphoto

1 1/2 years later, I am astonished that I employed this metaphor.  I knew about being a cheerleader, but as an early days Title IX gal, I've never played competitive sports, and thus had no experience with 'literally' getting in the game.

Ahh, the bluster of inexperience.

Obviously, I knew that football players wear helmets and pads because it's dangerous, you get bumps, bruises, and broken bones.  But I didn't know.

No doubt I had glorified the 'getting in the game' of my life whether at home, work or in the community, not recognizing that this would involve saying no and negotiating conflict, none of which my cheerleading had prepared me to do.

I'm learning, but because I'm not good at it, I can feel pretty beaten up some days.

Photo courtesy groveb @ istockphoto

As I've nursed my wounds by sharing them with my friends, two of them, both of whom are psychologists by training, said something strikingly similar:

Learning to negotiate conflict is an important developmental milestone, one that ultimately enhances and strengthens our relationships.

Did you know this?

I didn't.

Does this mean that if we throw down our pom-poms, and get in the game, when we pick our pom-poms back up, we'll be even better cheerleaders, better heros of support?

Isn't this what Psyche did?  She went on a hero's journey, which required her to learn to say no, so that she could say yes to her relationships.

When have you set boundaries recently?  Said no?  Negotiated conflict?

Hard?

For me too.

Helmet and pads required.

Related posts:
Throw down your pom-poms
It's just a game!  Precisely!
Three cheers for oxytocin
Psyche's 4th Task:  Learning to say no
What I've learned from identifying my heros

Et tu, Whitney?

"It is only when an anomaly is identified....that the opportunity to improve theory occurs." Paul Carlile, Clayton Christensen

In responding to "An 'A' or an 'F' on the Galadriel test?" in which I discussed my love-hate relationship with the Twilight trilogy, Amy politely wondered if I would feel as I do had these books been penned by a man.

Specifically, Amy asked, "Is there more to your view than expecting more of people because we know their beliefs? Does it goes back to your discussion of what it means to be feminine? Perhaps your ideas about women and ambition are broader than you had supposed. That it's not just about large-scale power, but rather any time women move outside of perceived guidelines our society squirms?"

A is for Amy, anomaly, and Amy appears to be absolutely right.

I have read over 25 books by Orson Scott Card, another fellow Mormon. Yet I've never had the kind of visceral reaction to his books, frequent Ten Commandment non-compliance notwithstanding, as I did to Meyers' book.

Do you remember the Bem Sex-Role Inventory's finding that women are only feminine within the context of a relationship and when we are giving something (resources, recognition) to someone else?

And isn't it true, that when women move beyond perceived guidelines (as did Ms. Meyer), we are crossing into a territory in which we are not sovereign, and are thus figuratively taking something from someone else?

Et tu, apply the double standard Whitney?

Lamentably, yes.

What are your thoughts?

Related posts:

An 'A' or an 'F' on the Galadriel test?
Why we are skeptical of Hillary Clinton
Do you need to 'Do it yourself?'
NY Times -- For Girls, It's Be Yourself, and Be Perfect, Too
Throw down your pom-poms
A space for women's voices